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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about mum?

87 replies

IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 11:56

My mums 60 later this year.

Announced today she’s giving up her driving license and moving in with me. She means her and my disabled brother.

Neither of them work. Brother can’t drive. I can. They hate where they live always have. My mum is also rubbish with money, she admits it herself. She doesn’t claim any benefits and has no money, she split with my dad because he didn’t earn enough according to her (enough so she didn’t have to work that is, she worked part time when they were together).

I’m a single parent my DD has some SN and disabilities and I finally feel like I’m getting my life together after 4 years of being split from her violent father. I work from home and need an uninterrupted internet connection, and I also need quiet to concerntrate.

My brother can’t cope with DD due to his disabilities, and I suspect my DD won’t be very happy having her life disrupted either.

I’ve pointed out I only have a 2 bed house so it won’t work. Apparently we can move to a 4 bed but mum gets to pick the rooms and me and DD get the smallest two. I said no, I’m not paying more in rent to get something worse than I have now.

Also we both have pets.

Apparently I’m leaving them in an impossible situation.

I pointed out both of them can work, and between them have a much higher earning potential than me, but according to mum she should be calming down and retiring now. My brother apparently can’t and never will work due to his disabilities.

Her own parents died in their 90s, I’m not keeping them for potentially 30-35 years. Aside from the fact that I can just about financially fending for 3 of us (if you count my pet) I don’t really want two extras.

I suspect it’s because my dad is retiring in the next 6 months and giving me a lump sum from his pension, this is in lieu of inheritance and is to clear some debts so I can hopefully improve my credit score so I can get on the housing ladder (I’m saving and paying them off at the same time currently). My mum got a financial pay out from my dad when they divorced but the money is gone – she admitted she had an extended holiday with it and didn’t keep any aside to retire with.

My dad’s also younger than mum so I expect she’s jealous.

I am like my dad with money. I know what I have, what I’m aiming for, and where it all goes. My mum says I am “too good” with money and I should share what I have.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mum to turn up one day with all her stuff or try and get a rental in my name. So what do I do?

I really don’t want to live with her.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 18/02/2022 12:10

D mum, I love you but living with each other will be a disaster for us all. I need to put my dd first and living with db with his additional needs will upset both of them. So this is my final decision.

And every time she mentions it, just text the same message.

forrestgreen · 18/02/2022 12:12

If she got a rental in your name report her to the police, keep an eye on your credit report for checks being done.

Have a list of air b n bs in the area, so if she turns up you can hand it to her.

Make sure the door is always locked, get a ring doorbell so you can see what's going on without opening the door.

Be strong for your daughter.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 18/02/2022 12:14

You tell her no. Outright. She is not your responsibility. You have your own life, your own home. If she turns up with all her stuff she can sleep on the pavement. Don't let her in. Bloody hell, what a cheeky fucker she is!

Bonheurdupasse · 18/02/2022 12:16

Can you check if you can lock your credit report so she can't get a rental in your name.

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:17

Thanks everyone.

I think she still thinks I'm the vulnerable person I was when I left my husband. I admit that I took the loans and credit cards out to cope financially, I wasn't working (ExH wouldn't let me) and so when I left him lost over 90% of my income.

But then I got my job and I'm now on top of it all.

Mum always thinks I'm helpless. Or she's jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:17

@Bonheurdupasse

Can you check if you can lock your credit report so she can't get a rental in your name.
@Bonheurdupasse Thats one thing I don't know how to do.
OP posts:
cutebutstabby · 18/02/2022 12:21

@forrestgreen

D mum, I love you but living with each other will be a disaster for us all. I need to put my dd first and living with db with his additional needs will upset both of them. So this is my final decision.

And every time she mentions it, just text the same message.

This. Flowers
Skyeheather · 18/02/2022 12:21

If her and your brother turn up on your doorstep give them the telephone number for the council emergency housing department. The council will put them in temporary accommodation if they are homeless and have nowhere to stay. They should then get help from the council to find somewhere to live. Do not let him otherwise they won't be homeless and won't be a priority for housing.

Luckygrey · 18/02/2022 12:22

It is perfectly ok to say no to your mum. I too come from a family with a bit of dysfunction and I know it's really, really hard to not go along with what your mum wants.
But you can say no, and the sky won't fall in Flowers

UghFletcher · 18/02/2022 12:22

No. On repeat.
No. That doesn't work for me
No. I am not responsible for you.

I would doubt she would use your name to obtain a flat. She would have to provide references, ID & proof of earnings in your name. Does she have access to provide that?

Luckygrey · 18/02/2022 12:24

Ps: I'm around your mum's age, and no I'm not slowing down on work, nor have I ceased driving. Your mum is toxic. You were not put on this earth to provide for your lazy mother!

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:25

@UghFletcher

No. On repeat. No. That doesn't work for me No. I am not responsible for you.

I would doubt she would use your name to obtain a flat. She would have to provide references, ID & proof of earnings in your name. Does she have access to provide that?

@UghFletcher Thats a point, I don't think she does.
OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 12:27

Please please don't let her gate crash your lives...
She may be your dm but you don't owe her anything.
Cut any conversations off or hang up. Do not get into a place where you have to justify yourself.
No means no.

Mo1911 · 18/02/2022 12:27

I'm not sure if she does think you're helpless, if she did then she wouldn't be adding to your burden and putting you in an impossible situation.

60 is still very young and much too young to be settling into retirement unless you can afford to or have health issues, but that's the same at any age.

I really think that you have to tell them to take a hike. They're potentially going to be in control of the next goodness knows how many years and what do you do if they move in, it really doesn't work, but you can't get them to move out?

It's potentially a very toxic and unhealthy situation for anyone. For me, it would have to be a "not on your life!"

Wartywart · 18/02/2022 12:29

@forrestgreen

D mum, I love you but living with each other will be a disaster for us all. I need to put my dd first and living with db with his additional needs will upset both of them. So this is my final decision.

And every time she mentions it, just text the same message.

^ This.

I think that if you agree to this, you will soon find yourself acting as their taxi also because neither of them drive and whenever you try to say no, because you're working or something, they will put emotional pressure on you.

It will be a disaster if you let them strong-arm you into this.

ukborn · 18/02/2022 12:29

Jeez I'm 60 next month and still have a kid in school! She's in her prime, not one foot in the grave!
Tell her absolutely not. Stick to your guns it will be a disaster for all of you. She is being a terrible mother pressuring you.

Southbucksldn · 18/02/2022 12:30

Point out that your daughter is your priority now and just ignore.
I’d keep some distance and avoid these discussions.
She cannot seriously expect you to support her financially. Any excess cash should be for your daughter, surely!

thatsnotabadger · 18/02/2022 12:32

I feel for you. She's put you in a horrible position. If you buckle you're going to regret it, but you're going to need to accept that by saying no you are going to be put under pressure by your mum and you will feel guilty. You need strong boundaries here, messages from PP are great, be firm, remind her you love her but you cannot do this for the sake of the quality of life of you & your DD. Good luck.

Dibble135 · 18/02/2022 12:38

I understand the level of detail in your post as it’s background info but hope you are not going to these lengths to justify your decision to your mum.

You don’t want to live with her and that is good enough. Don’t offer reasons as she will weaponise them against you to change your mind.

The way I put it to mine when she hints about moving in with me is not that I don’t want to live with her but me and DH want to live alone.

So I’m not rejecting her. It’s not personal. I don’t want to live with anyone but my DH.

lechatnoir · 18/02/2022 12:39

She's 59 not 79 why on earth is she giving up her driving license and settling in for retirement when she's likely got another 30 years and no money. And your DB has disabilities - do they prevent him from working is it that a lifestyle choice? I get the impression it's the latter in which case the pair of them need to get a bloody job and support themselves.

No. No. No don't do it OP you sound like your life is on track after a difficult time so don't let lazy fuckers turn it upside down.

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:40

@lechatnoir

She's 59 not 79 why on earth is she giving up her driving license and settling in for retirement when she's likely got another 30 years and no money. And your DB has disabilities - do they prevent him from working is it that a lifestyle choice? I get the impression it's the latter in which case the pair of them need to get a bloody job and support themselves.

No. No. No don't do it OP you sound like your life is on track after a difficult time so don't let lazy fuckers turn it upside down.

@lechatnoir Brother is HF Autism, but says he gets brain fog so can't work. He's never worked, not even attempted it so I don't know how he can say he can never work without trying.
OP posts:
woodhill · 18/02/2022 12:42

No yanbu op

Don't let them ruin your life

Hen2018 · 18/02/2022 12:46

Keep saying no.

Change all passwords that she might know.

Change the locks if she has keys.

Hen2018 · 18/02/2022 12:48

Also, (and I’m a bit vague about this as it’s been years since I did it) get your credit checked by Experian and make sure there are no debts in your name that your mum is running up.

Hen2018 · 18/02/2022 12:50

I would also have an honest conversation with your dad and perhaps delay the inheritance for now.

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