What to do about mum?

[IDontWantToMove]

My mums 60 later this year.

Announced today she’s giving up her driving license and moving in with me. She means her and my disabled brother.

Neither of them work. Brother can’t drive. I can. They hate where they live always have. My mum is also rubbish with money, she admits it herself. She doesn’t claim any benefits and has no money, she split with my dad because he didn’t earn enough according to her (enough so she didn’t have to work that is, she worked part time when they were together).

I’m a single parent my DD has some SN and disabilities and I finally feel like I’m getting my life together after 4 years of being split from her violent father. I work from home and need an uninterrupted internet connection, and I also need quiet to concerntrate.

My brother can’t cope with DD due to his disabilities, and I suspect my DD won’t be very happy having her life disrupted either.

I’ve pointed out I only have a 2 bed house so it won’t work. Apparently we can move to a 4 bed but mum gets to pick the rooms and me and DD get the smallest two. I said no, I’m not paying more in rent to get something worse than I have now.

Also we both have pets.

Apparently I’m leaving them in an impossible situation.

I pointed out both of them can work, and between them have a much higher earning potential than me, but according to mum she should be calming down and retiring now. My brother apparently can’t and never will work due to his disabilities.

Her own parents died in their 90s, I’m not keeping them for potentially 30-35 years. Aside from the fact that I can just about financially fending for 3 of us (if you count my pet) I don’t really want two extras.

I suspect it’s because my dad is retiring in the next 6 months and giving me a lump sum from his pension, this is in lieu of inheritance and is to clear some debts so I can hopefully improve my credit score so I can get on the housing ladder (I’m saving and paying them off at the same time currently). My mum got a financial pay out from my dad when they divorced but the money is gone – she admitted she had an extended holiday with it and didn’t keep any aside to retire with.

My dad’s also younger than mum so I expect she’s jealous.

I am like my dad with money. I know what I have, what I’m aiming for, and where it all goes. My mum says I am “too good” with money and I should share what I have.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mum to turn up one day with all her stuff or try and get a rental in my name. So what do I do?

I really don’t want to live with her.

Just tell her straight. You owe her and your brother nothing.
What does your dad think of all.this?

I'm proud to have got myself out, and yes I have debts but I'm paying them off slowly and earn a decent wage for me and my DD

Nice one, OP [flowers}

And no, I woudn't want these kind of bailouts either, but for some who do the normal attitudes don't seem to apply

@IDontWantToMove Yeah, my mother has told a lot of lies as well. Stalin would have been proud of the job she's done, trying to rewrite our family history.

When my father left she destroyed all the diaries she had kept...about 12 years worth. What she doesn't realise is that I saved a few from the rubbish and read them. So I know from her own contemporaneous words that she lies... I find it quite insulting, I was 10 when she started keeping these diaries, and I remember a lot of what happened myself, does she think I went around with my eyes closed and my ears shut?

Set boundaries.
She's being totally unreasonable,
And don't discuss your finances with her.
The set up is a recipe for disaster!! Or complete and utter destruction ....

Your mum is off her rocker.

Just keep saying ‘that doesn’t work for me’. Or an outright no. With a little laugh of disbelief.

I’d use the grey rock technique I’ve heard of in here and go low contact and then no contact.

This woman is an emotional vacuum and just brings misery and ‘woe is me’ with her.

If you didn’t see or hear from her for a year how would you feel?

I’d just laugh and say no, and then joke about getting the police around. Make sure she doesn’t have a key to your place or anything. Stop taking her seriously, she can want what she wants but she can’t make you actually take her in.

Sorry op but your mum sounds like an arsehole and between them a pair of lazy feckers. Please don't give in to her apauling behaviour. How dare she 'announce' they're moving in with you... stick to your guns

So you escaped a controlling man, and now your mum's stepped in to fill the vacancy.

I like the pp's broken record approach. "Mum, I'm not responsible for you and (brother)" On repeat, and in answer to every single thing she tries to guilt you with.

@saraclara Thank you sara... It works. You don't argue, you don't allow interruptions, you don't allow manipulations. You just stick to what you want to say and PUT A PERIOD at the end of it.

Don't do it.You'll become her slave;you'll end up her having to do all of hers and your DB's shopping,cooking,cleaning,laundry etc,will be constantly expected to play chauffeur,handle their finances,do their pet care,deal with their mental load and put up with emotional and probably verbal abuse.

It will be detrimental to your relationship with your own child,affect your child's well-being having these people in your home and you'll won't ever be free to meet anyone else.

You might want to in the future have a live in partner/get remarried/have more children etc;this won't happen if your stuck under the same roof as your mother.

An aside how did you end up seeing your parents CM arrangements? The minimum isn't the ideal so non resident parents don't get awards for paying more than the legal requirement. I'd just be careful not to idealise one parent because the other one is more obviously thoughtless.

Although it is not at all funny I almost laughed at your OP. I am 60 this year, as are my two best friends. Our lives could not be less like your mother's!! Why is she so hopeless? We (my friends and I) are all the driving forces in our families, the do-ers, we are always busy, all work. Give up driving? At 85 maybe but 60? Good lord.