What to do about mum?

[IDontWantToMove]

My mums 60 later this year.

Announced today she’s giving up her driving license and moving in with me. She means her and my disabled brother.

Neither of them work. Brother can’t drive. I can. They hate where they live always have. My mum is also rubbish with money, she admits it herself. She doesn’t claim any benefits and has no money, she split with my dad because he didn’t earn enough according to her (enough so she didn’t have to work that is, she worked part time when they were together).

I’m a single parent my DD has some SN and disabilities and I finally feel like I’m getting my life together after 4 years of being split from her violent father. I work from home and need an uninterrupted internet connection, and I also need quiet to concerntrate.

My brother can’t cope with DD due to his disabilities, and I suspect my DD won’t be very happy having her life disrupted either.

I’ve pointed out I only have a 2 bed house so it won’t work. Apparently we can move to a 4 bed but mum gets to pick the rooms and me and DD get the smallest two. I said no, I’m not paying more in rent to get something worse than I have now.

Also we both have pets.

Apparently I’m leaving them in an impossible situation.

I pointed out both of them can work, and between them have a much higher earning potential than me, but according to mum she should be calming down and retiring now. My brother apparently can’t and never will work due to his disabilities.

Her own parents died in their 90s, I’m not keeping them for potentially 30-35 years. Aside from the fact that I can just about financially fending for 3 of us (if you count my pet) I don’t really want two extras.

I suspect it’s because my dad is retiring in the next 6 months and giving me a lump sum from his pension, this is in lieu of inheritance and is to clear some debts so I can hopefully improve my credit score so I can get on the housing ladder (I’m saving and paying them off at the same time currently). My mum got a financial pay out from my dad when they divorced but the money is gone – she admitted she had an extended holiday with it and didn’t keep any aside to retire with.

My dad’s also younger than mum so I expect she’s jealous.

I am like my dad with money. I know what I have, what I’m aiming for, and where it all goes. My mum says I am “too good” with money and I should share what I have.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mum to turn up one day with all her stuff or try and get a rental in my name. So what do I do?

I really don’t want to live with her.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Thanks for the update, IDontWantToMove, and that's what I meant about her expecting everyone else to stump up and possibly passing that attitude on to your brother

I guess we'd all like it (or maybe not) if someone else always paid for everything, but life doesn't work like that and it's about time she discovered that for herself

@Puzzledandpissedoff I actually don't, my Ex was very controlling, wouldn't let me work, expected to spend every single spare penny on himself.

I'm proud to have got myself out, and yes I have debts but I'm paying them off slowly and earn a decent wage for me and my DD.

On the credit report side- they don't publicise it, but you can pay Experian/ equifax £2 for your statutory credit report. It doesn't give you a 'score' but that's a made up number anyway. It does tell you exactly what credit/ balances/ history you have.
www.experian.co.uk/consumer/statutory-report.html

[quote KnobJockey]On the credit report side- they don't publicise it, but you can pay Experian/ equifax £2 for your statutory credit report. It doesn't give you a 'score' but that's a made up number anyway. It does tell you exactly what credit/ balances/ history you have.
www.experian.co.uk/consumer/statutory-report.html[/quote]
@KnobJockey Thank you will look into that

I'd move. How often does she see her Dad ? 50 miles is nothing. It's my daily commute. Your mum is mad.

As her parents lived until their 90s, she needs to keep driving and earning for as long as possible. It is not up to you to facilitate her life.

I wouldn't have a lot of respect for anyone who has no money but says they are too old to work at 60 when they are physically and mentally fit and able.

@newbiename

I'd move. How often does she see her Dad ? 50 miles is nothing. It's my daily commute. Your mum is mad.

@newbiename 2 nights for tea and EOW for 1 overnight, there's a CAO in place though and I have to live within 15 minutes drive of each other unless we agree between us due to DDs SN.

He currently lives 10 minutes drive from me on a bad day. We can walk it in about 20 minutes at DDs speed, I can walk it in 10 minutes.

If you want more information about debt, try moneysavingexpert.com and put a post on their debt forums.

There are all sorts of things you can do to make debts more manageable.

This is an aside from your mother’s behaviour and moving in (still a big, fat NO from me).

Just say NO NO NO. Grey stone wall.

You know it won't work, don't get suckered b y more abusers.

Congrats on getting your life back together.

Lucky you've got some past experience at extricating yourself from abuser partner; use that strength and grit to your advantage now.

Keep saying no to your freeloading financially irresponsible mother. If they turn up at your door do not let them in.

Neither she nor your brother are your responsibility here. I also think this is being done by your mother due to the sum of money you will receive from your father's pension pot. She is seeing pound signs.

@Hen2018

If you want more information about debt, try moneysavingexpert.com and put a post on their debt forums.

There are all sorts of things you can do to make debts more manageable.

This is an aside from your mother’s behaviour and moving in (still a big, fat NO from me).

@Hen2018 I'm managing them tbh, I've over paying my credit cards, and the one loan I have outstanding is now at under £1k, so should be paid off in the next 2 years.

Stay strong, IDontWantToMove. Your mother is younger than me and I'm still working and expect to do so for some years yet. She's a right chancer.

When I divorced my 1st husband when I was 23, I made the mistake of moving back to my home country and getting a 3 bedroomed flat with my younger brother and my mother. OMG, I would rather set fire to myself than do that again! It was a year of utter hell. My mother reverted to being 'mum' again and treated me and my 21 year old brother like we were teenagers again. Add in that she was constantly fighting with her family and dragging me into it...I ended up suicidal and had a massive nervous breakdown.

I wasted all my divorce settlement on it, 7K down the drain. I ended up back in the UK with less than £50 in my pocket, I was homeless for about 2 months. Even that was better than living with my mother!

Just keep saying NO.

Forgot to add my mother was 48 at the time. Refused to get a job as she was still very angry that my father had left her for OW and she felt (and still does) that he owed her financial support for life for having his children. Obviously once he'd gone she thought I should support her.

You can sign up to clearscore to check your crediters and history. Means you can keep an eye on it.

Personally I'd tell her if she brings up again you'll be cutting her off for good. It's a no and that won't change.

@noirchatsdeux

Forgot to add my mother was 48 at the time. Refused to get a job as she was still very angry that my father had left her for OW and she felt (and still does) that he owed her financial support for life for having his children. Obviously once he'd gone she thought I should support her.

@noirchatsdeux My mum is constantly on about my dad, how it's not fair he's worked part time the last few years and is no retiring, it should be her, she's worked for 30+ years you know?

She also goes on about how he didn't pay CM when they split up which I know to be a lie. I've seen his bank statements. He paid £280pm for a year then I went off to University so he reduced it to £250pm then stopped completely as my brothers only a year younger than me. The CSA as it where then told him he only needed to pay £180pm for both of us.

@gamerchick

You can sign up to clearscore to check your crediters and history. Means you can keep an eye on it.

Personally I'd tell her if she brings up again you'll be cutting her off for good. It's a no and that won't change.

@gamerchick I use clearscore, it seems pretty good and shows me all the things I was expecting. So for now it looks like mum hasn't take anything else out in my name.

I’m glad you’re on top of it (the debt) but often if you offer 50% they’ll waive the rest. It’s astonishing what you can do.

I really don’t want to live with her.

And you don’t have to. If she does turn up with her stuff just don’t let her in. Keep saying no- just no, no excuses or reasons just no. She is not your responsibility.

@Hen2018

I’m glad you’re on top of it (the debt) but often if you offer 50% they’ll waive the rest. It’s astonishing what you can do.

@Hen2018 I've paid more than half of the loan off (it was just over £4k) and the credit cards are less than half, but I do occasionally use them to cover a bill if ExH pays CM late.

It’s no surprise that you ended up with a toxic marriage when your mum is such a hideous freeloading horror! Do not give an inch.

And they should both apply for ALL benefits.

@IDontWantToMove oh it's a shame you can't move. Good luck.

This sounds awful.
I noticed that your OP was a list of justifications for why you can't do this which I get because it's causing you stress and you've been going through it in your head. The reality is though that it's a request/demand that is beyond unreasonable and would make your and your daughters lives much worse. It's okay to just say no, you won't be doing this. Going over the details might give the impression that you are considering it- it needs to be put to bed asap

My banking App shows my credit score. You shouldn't have to pay for it.

@Skyeheather

If her and your brother turn up on your doorstep give them the telephone number for the council emergency housing department. The council will put them in temporary accommodation if they are homeless and have nowhere to stay. They should then get help from the council to find somewhere to live. Do not let him otherwise they won't be homeless and won't be a priority for housing.

Get used to keeping the chain on the inside of your door, OP, so they can't push their way into your home.

It's outrageous the way your mother is behaving towards you so do, please, stay strong. 🌹

Regarding credit reports you can get it for free using an app called credit karma. I use it and you get weekly credit reports emailed to you as well.