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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about mum?

87 replies

IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 11:56

My mums 60 later this year.

Announced today she’s giving up her driving license and moving in with me. She means her and my disabled brother.

Neither of them work. Brother can’t drive. I can. They hate where they live always have. My mum is also rubbish with money, she admits it herself. She doesn’t claim any benefits and has no money, she split with my dad because he didn’t earn enough according to her (enough so she didn’t have to work that is, she worked part time when they were together).

I’m a single parent my DD has some SN and disabilities and I finally feel like I’m getting my life together after 4 years of being split from her violent father. I work from home and need an uninterrupted internet connection, and I also need quiet to concerntrate.

My brother can’t cope with DD due to his disabilities, and I suspect my DD won’t be very happy having her life disrupted either.

I’ve pointed out I only have a 2 bed house so it won’t work. Apparently we can move to a 4 bed but mum gets to pick the rooms and me and DD get the smallest two. I said no, I’m not paying more in rent to get something worse than I have now.

Also we both have pets.

Apparently I’m leaving them in an impossible situation.

I pointed out both of them can work, and between them have a much higher earning potential than me, but according to mum she should be calming down and retiring now. My brother apparently can’t and never will work due to his disabilities.

Her own parents died in their 90s, I’m not keeping them for potentially 30-35 years. Aside from the fact that I can just about financially fending for 3 of us (if you count my pet) I don’t really want two extras.

I suspect it’s because my dad is retiring in the next 6 months and giving me a lump sum from his pension, this is in lieu of inheritance and is to clear some debts so I can hopefully improve my credit score so I can get on the housing ladder (I’m saving and paying them off at the same time currently). My mum got a financial pay out from my dad when they divorced but the money is gone – she admitted she had an extended holiday with it and didn’t keep any aside to retire with.

My dad’s also younger than mum so I expect she’s jealous.

I am like my dad with money. I know what I have, what I’m aiming for, and where it all goes. My mum says I am “too good” with money and I should share what I have.

It wouldn’t be beyond my mum to turn up one day with all her stuff or try and get a rental in my name. So what do I do?

I really don’t want to live with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:50

@Hen2018

Also, (and I’m a bit vague about this as it’s been years since I did it) get your credit checked by Experian and make sure there are no debts in your name that your mum is running up.
@Hen2018 I use a free site every month to check my score but will have a look into the paid for ones just to see if anythings missing from the free one.
OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 12:51

@Hen2018

I would also have an honest conversation with your dad and perhaps delay the inheritance for now.
@Hen2018 She only knows about it because my brother was offered the same amount of money and discussed it with mum. I'm not sure if he's taking his, but if he is he probably won't see much of it.
OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 18/02/2022 12:55

Apparently I’m leaving them in an impossible situation

Did you manage to keep a straight face when she said that?
She’s beyond awful-lazy entitled freeloader

I’m 52 this year and feel that I’m just coming into my prime, having spent 20+ years bringing up kids and caring for parents. She’s only 8 years older than me!!

ColleysMill · 18/02/2022 12:56

Good lord this has disaster written all over it.

I know similar arrangements can work for some families but it needs planning and give and take on both sides both financially and practically. I can't see anything in your post that suggests this will ever happen. Neither can you be coerced into living with them - you've left one abusive relationship- please don't let them entangle you in (potentially) another

Sundancerintherain · 18/02/2022 13:02

No, just no.
In only a few years younger than your mum , she must be a pretty lazy sod to want to leach off you .

crosstalk · 18/02/2022 13:06

Poor, poor OP. I presume she is hardly going to turn up outside your door with all her worldly goods and your disabled brother? She will have made herself intentionally homeless. Especially when you will not have moved to a 4 bedroom flat? where does she think the money for the bigger flat will come from?

Of course say no. Can you ask your father's advice? Presumably your mum may not qualify for a state pension if she's not worked, and your brother is collecting a disability pension, she has a carer's allowance etc. Yet you think she and he can both work ....could they really out earn you?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 13:09

Send her links to citizens advice and tell her best speak to the professionals
. Every time.

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:11

@crosstalk

Poor, poor OP. I presume she is hardly going to turn up outside your door with all her worldly goods and your disabled brother? She will have made herself intentionally homeless. Especially when you will not have moved to a 4 bedroom flat? where does she think the money for the bigger flat will come from?

Of course say no. Can you ask your father's advice? Presumably your mum may not qualify for a state pension if she's not worked, and your brother is collecting a disability pension, she has a carer's allowance etc. Yet you think she and he can both work ....could they really out earn you?

@crosstalk My brother gets UC but thats all, he doesn't qualify for PIP or ESA so no carers allowance. He'd lose his UC if he moved in with me, so it would be my wages, CB, and CM that would have to cope with us all (assuming I'd lose the small amount of UC I get to pay for my childcare).
OP posts:
PiperPosey · 18/02/2022 13:11

OP I used to teach assertive training.
Here is the Broken Record Response
" Honey we're movin in."
Mom I am going to tell you something and I don't want you to interrupt me when I talk to you.
" Mom I am NOT responsible for you and " Tommy. " You have been financially irresponsible and I am not going to help you. "
" But you are being selfish. Where am I supposed to live?"
" Mom I am NOT responsible for you and " Tommy." You have been financially
" But.."
Please Do NOT interrupt me again.
As I was saying..." Mom I am NOT responsible for you and " Tommy. " You have been financially irresponsible and I am not going to help you. "
" You have to. You are my daughter. You are being cruel."
" Mom I am NOT responsible for you and " Tommy. " You have been financially irresponsible and I am not going to help you. "

She will interrupt, she will cry and attempt to manipulate you...Do NOT give into her. You be a warrior! You got this!
" I will NEVER talk to you again!"
" Mom I am NOT responsible for you and " Tommy. " You have been financially irresponsible and I am not going to help you. "
She will get the message...The more you practice the easier it becomes. Good Luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/02/2022 13:11

Well, that's an obvious "no" isn't it?
I don't want to assume anything about your brother's condition, but can't help wondering if they both just expect others to pick up the pieces - first your dad and now you

Anyway they can't do anything without your say-so and frankly you'd have to be mad to go ahead with this

MingeofDeath · 18/02/2022 13:12

Nay, nay and thrice nay. This would be an absolute disaster for you and your DD. Your mother and brother are not your responsibility.

midlifecrash · 18/02/2022 13:15

God. No. She can’t get in can she?

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:17

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Well, that's an obvious "no" isn't it? I don't want to assume anything about your brother's condition, but can't help wondering if they both just expect others to pick up the pieces - first your dad and now you

Anyway they can't do anything without your say-so and frankly you'd have to be mad to go ahead with this

@Puzzledandpissedoff Before her dad died but after she split with my dad she expected her dad to help her loads. She justified it by saying she helped him out, and was the oldest child, but really compared to my Aunts she did nothing for him but expected loads.

She split with my dad when I was a teen (I'm not in my 30s) so has had nearly 20 years to get used to managing without my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:17

*now in my 30s that should say

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:18

@midlifecrash

God. No. She can’t get in can she?
@midlifecrash thankfully not, I live in a block of flats but even if the downstairs door is open she doesn't have a key to my actual flat.
OP posts:
ISmellBurnings · 18/02/2022 13:20

This is absolutely nuts. You need to keep saying no, practise what the pp said, over and over.

Don’t ruin yours and your DD’s life.

CorrBlimeyGG · 18/02/2022 13:25

He'd lose his UC if he moved in with me

He would not. He is not your partner, your income would not affect his.

It's still a very bad idea for them to move in.

Christabellaxx · 18/02/2022 13:29

I think for your sanity and your DD you need to stand firm and say no.
Tell her you love her but she and your brother cannot be "your responsibility".
I'm in a similar position , my parents moved next door 20years ago with Dsis with severe learning difficulties. Now DF dead and DM 85, I have taken on more and more of the responsibilities of both of their lives but I absolutely will not have my mother move in with me ( I have accepted that I will have my DSis living with me when mum passes or can no longer live independently) it is so hard saying no , but you just need to be really clear where your boundary is and stick to it. I'm sure your mum - even if she is a bit piqued will still love you .
Staying strong for your own core family is not being unkind or thoughtless or selfish. It's what we need to do to survive and thrive .

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:40

My dad would probably tell me not to give any to my mum as I won't get it back and if he was really worried I might would probably not give me the money at all.

Which actually doesn't bother me, because as I said, I am managing financially now. It's just a nice to have rather than an expectation.

The reason I feel so bad about it was if it was my dad who was struggling I'd step in and help. Probably not living with him but I'd help him financially, but then he wouldn't expect it or tell me what I do isn't enough.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 18/02/2022 13:41

You mum sounds quite crazy let alone entitled. Even if she is entitled to a state pension that's still 7 years away at least. Utter madness I think I would want to move hundreds of miles away.

Original poster
IDontWantToMove · 18/02/2022 13:44

@RaininSummer

You mum sounds quite crazy let alone entitled. Even if she is entitled to a state pension that's still 7 years away at least. Utter madness I think I would want to move hundreds of miles away.
@RaininSummer I actually want to move closer to my dad (he lives about 50 miles away) but can't, my DDs still in primary school and her dad and his family all live nearby so I couldn't do that to her.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/02/2022 13:44

Oh you poor thing. Of course you shouldn't live with her - nobody would want to do that! You have enough on your plate and she's young enough to manage her own life. I'd just refuse to discuss it and keep saying, "That's impossible. It's not going to happen." If she keeps on, I'd stop seeing her as much.

haikyew · 18/02/2022 13:45

She sounds so pushy
“No” is a complete sentence
Repeat as needed

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/02/2022 13:45

Thanks for the update, IDontWantToMove, and that's what I meant about her expecting everyone else to stump up and possibly passing that attitude on to your brother

I guess we'd all like it (or maybe not) if someone else always paid for everything, but life doesn't work like that and it's about time she discovered that for herself

Stressedout1009 · 18/02/2022 13:45

She actually sounds toxic op. What an entitled person she is, expecting everyone around her to server her needs. You did amazingly well to get yourself out of your situation with your ex and provide a good home for your dd, your dm doesn't have any right to ruin that. Be firm and blunt, people like her just don't take to nicely being told.

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