I know that I should end this unhealthy marriage but I don't know how

[dragonstitcher]

It all came to a head last night. Earlier in the evening he had overreacted to something I said, by throwing something and snarling into my face "Don't you ever speak to me like that again", with real venom. Later he asked "Are we speaking?" which is basically a test of whether I am standing my ground or not. Well, I was speaking because it's childish not to, but it doesn't lead to anything constructive.

Come bedtime, he asked if I was up to 'a little fun' which of course I was not. I knew what was coming next. Vitriol, venom, intimidation, belittlement, spite and hatred. All the usual stuff he uses to try to control me. I didn't cry, I didn't try to defend myself, I didn't retaliate. I just laid there and let him pour it out. He was digging himself a big enough hole by himself, he needed no help from me. I just told myself that it was a load of bollocks and waited until he finished and turned over.

After being accused of infidelity because I had a cold sore and then the way he has treated me and my girls over christmas and new year, I have told myself that 2008 is the year to end it.

Trouble is, I haven't a clue how.

He refuses to leave and I have absolutely nowhere to go. I don't have many friends and certainly noone who could take us in. Mum and Dad have no room for me and 3 girls. I don't have any money. Thanks to x-h who forced me into bankruptcy, financial institutions won't touch me with a barge pole and I had to sign a waiver with the mortgage company so I have no claim on the house if H left and let the mortgage go.

Basically I am screwed. I don't seem to have any choice but to stay with an emotional/pschological abuser who appears to hate my guts. I am more worried for my children who are failing at school because his abuse chips away at their confidence.

dragon, this sounds terrible and I believe you are right 100% to get out. have you got a local womens refuge/ shelter for short term. You must do something now, it is really really important not to let this continue for your sake and for that of your children

What is your housing situation? How long have you been together? Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Or the domestic abuse people at your local police station? Domestic abuse isn't just about physical violence; it covers emotional, physical and financial abuse.

It sounds horrendous and you are definitely doing the right thing in ending this.

I think as a start you should contact Womens Refuge www.refuge.org.uk/ and Shelter to find out what your options are.

There is always a way out. Your children cannot certainly live like this any more, the damage to them if you were to stay with him in the long term will be incalculable (their own adult relationships could follow this unhealthy abusive pattern and I do not think you wish this for them whatsoever) and as it is they are suffering too. They are learning from both of you; we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I would suggest you speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau re your finances and the past bankruptcy. Would also talk to your mortgage company particularly if the mortgage is in joint names.

Contacting Womens Aid is another way forward for you.

Find a good solicitor as well; many of these people offer free 30 minute consultations.

Am sure other posters will come along with good advice; I hope you can make a complete break from him.

So sorry to hear this Dragon - just wanted to add support. Agree completely you are definitely making the right decision. Let us know what refuge say.
Also, a lot of solicitors will give you 1/2 and hours legal advise for free. Look in yellow pages and see how quickly you can get in to see them, at least you then know what your rights are.
Good luck

You're right, you do have to leave. I think as a first step you should go to your local CAB, who should be able to advise you of your options. You are suffering domestic violence - even if he's not physically abusing you - so also contact your local domestic violence helpline.

It will be hard to sort everything out, but as you say it's having an effect on the children. Are any/all of your DDs his? If so he would need to provide you with some financial support. What about xH - is he providing you with any financial assistance?

If you become homeless, I imagine the council would have responsibility to find you somewhere to live.

I am fairly sure that if he is abusive, you can have him removed.

BUT

1. talk to womens aid - ring them and tell them the whole story. They are fabulous, and they can tell you what to do without putting pressure on. they listen and don't judge.

2. Put your name on the council housing register.

3. talk to CAB - the chances are the council will say "Oh no, not if he's not hittng you" but this isn't acuurate.

the fact that you aren't on the mrtgage will be useful if you have to apply for benefits or council accomadation. It means you can prove that you have no equity in a property, (and they won't help0 you if you do)

Is your name on the deed?s

I have emailed Womens Aid and am waiting for a reply. I have found the tel no for my most local branch but I haven't phoned them yet because the girls are around and I don't want them to hear. I will have to wait until they go back to school.

I went to CAB last time I decided enough was enough and they just told me to go to a solicitor. I went to a solicitor who told me that it I sounded like I didn't really want to leave and told me to come back when I was ready. I am a typical abuse victim who tolerates too much and gets upset at the fault of leaving, so I can imagine the same thing happening again.

The mortgage is in H name only and not joint names. The mortgage co. would not let me be on the mortgage due to the bankruptcy. I have been solvent for 3 years but it stays on record.

I get the impression that refuges are for escaping physical abuse and life threatening situations, therefore I wouldn't qualify. I went to the councils housing office a couple of years ago and they said that as I wasn't homeless, they couldn't help me.

My 15yo and 12yo are from my first marriage. My 7yo is his. My xh doesn't give us a penny. He used to once in a blue moon but it fizzled out. H didn't was adamant that he didn't want his money, so it became impossible to persue it. The CSA found it hard to get anything from him as he is self employed.

I have no idea if my name in on the mortgage deed.

I forgot to say before that we have been married 9 and a half years.

Dragonstitcher, I've read some of your previous threads and I'm pleased you are thinking positively about moving on. I would certainly see a solicitor for an initial free consultation on the situation. You are married and so I'm sure you will have some rights to assets.

It is a scary situation to be in, but you know it makes sense for the sake of your DDs.

Good luck and keep posting.

find another solicitor dragon. What an awful thing for someone to say.

You are right you need to get out for all your sakes. As someone said, there is always a way out.

My ex was mentally abusive, i saved, scrimped and borrowed where I could to put a deposit down on a house for me and DS, got out in the end and I never looked back Keep us updated

Dragonstitcher, I've x posted with you. The solicitor may have been right that you previously weren't really ready to leave, but, if you were uncomfortable with what he/she said, then go to another one. Do you know anyone who could recommend a divorce solicitor that they have used?

Oh hell! H has just phoned and doing the usual backtracking thing. First he asked if I'm speaking to him. Then he asked if I'm going to be nice to him!!! Bloody cheek! I pointed out to him that it was him who spouted all the nastiness. Trouble is, now he is going to pretend that he didn't say anything or he didn't really mean it, and act pleasant. I'd find it a lot easier going for help if he carried on being a jerk.

Dragonstitcher, he is still being a jerk, he'#s just being less of a jerk than he was earlier. It's a classic way of making you feel like he's being reasonable when he's not.

I know it is hard to keep going when they are giving you every sign that they are perfectly reasonable human beings and you are overreactionary and hysterical, but I found mumsnet very helpful for this.

read back on all your posts about him, read about what he really did, what he really said .. did you make that up? No. He is trying to pretend it didn't happen - don't collude with him.

He's just scared you might not put up with the shit any more, dragon

But that's his problem, because you're not going to, are you

I would be happy to put you and your children up, it would be squashed but we are friendly.

Well, he is being a jerk again. He thought that I would make it up to him in bed last night after the talking to I got the night before. He was wrong. Which meant I got another long lecture about what a bad wife I am, how I sponge off of him and put nothing into the house etc. Apparently I have done nothing but take from him. He who put a roof over my head, who rescued me from homelessness when my x-h let the flat I was living in get reposessed. Funny, the way I remember it, I took him in when his xw threw him out because she decided to move back in and keep their house. Then we rented a house together for two years after the flat was taken away from me.

He still believes that I have been unfaithful. He also stated that I married him because he is 21 years older and I'm hoping that he'll die and leave me everything.

I muttered that I was tired of his abuse and he went up the wall.

"How dare you! How dare you accuse me of abuse! How VERY dare you! I have never hit you or forced sex onto you! How dare you say that to me!"

He then admitted that he had only ever hit his ex wife once. That it was a one off mistake that he always regretted and he didn't know why he did it, it just happened. After that he vowed never to hit anyone again. That doesn't reassure me that he won't hit me. That tells me that there is a strong chance that he might. In fact, I'm starting to believe that the only reason he hasn't hit me yet is because I am very careful at not provoking him. I am so lightfooted on the eggshells that I walk upon, I don't leave footprints.

Anyway, he announced that the marriage is over, as he has done many times before when he pretends that he hasn't the next day. He says that he wants me out of the house NOW and that I will get none of it.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical.

Stay calm. What steps have you taken and what can you do today? It's not going to be easy - and he knows that, but you do need to get some legal advice. The fact that you are bankrupt and have signed a clause on the mortgage does mean that things may not be straightforward, but a way out is always possible. Do you have any relatives or friends that you can turn to for temporary accommodation?

Keep posting.

dragon, I hope you are ok. Sounds like you need to see a solicitor or somebody who can advise you as soon as possible. I don't have any experience in this, but surely he cannot just kick you out. However, you may not want to stay in the same house as him.

I know you will get some good advice from others on mn, who may have better ideas. Just make sure you and your dcs stay safe.

Morning Dragon - sorry to hear he is still being a complete shit. Then again, he is just reinforcing you are making the right decision.
He does abuse you - emotionally and mentally so far, and yes I agree, it looks likely it might become physical if you don't get our quick.
Have you had a response from your email to Woman's Aid yet? If not, please call Refuge or a different solicitor asap - you need to know your rights. Is there a way you can find out if your name is on the house deeds? (tbh would doubt it if dh is sole person on mortgage)
Are you at home alone or is he there now?

Sorry OUT not our

Surely if you are married you are entitled to half of any assetts regardless of whose name is on the mortgage? Especially if you have children. I would go to CAB and ask for advice.

I was where you are once if you are married you still have some entitlements regardless of the house being in your Husbands name,

If you want to leave then you just have to do it go to the council explain the situation you are living in and then unfortunatly you have to make yourself homeless (if you find there isnt a legal reason to keep you in the home for the time being)

I had my DH removed by force by the police they couldnt keep him from coming back but they did stop him from living there (it was in his name) fr the time it took the council to find me a place to live

I had no money no job and noone I could live with the council found me a flat they only offer one you you have to take whats offered but they did say it would be within easy distance of the school my son attended so not to disturb his education,

writing this makes it ound so easy doesn't it I know its the hardest thing I have ever done and like you I found it incredably hard to go to solicitors and alike because I didnt want to say horrible things he did or had done I thought that it wasnt as bad as what other people have lived through.

find a family law solicitor that is used to dealing with these things if your a SAHM or low income you will qualify for legal aid

also you can apply for seperation even if you live at the same property I cant remember how this works or if its a safe thing to do in your situation

if you ever need to talk get in touch I'm not a legal expert but I have been there an dI am willing to listen

I have just had a 45 minute phone conversation with a very nice lady at Shelter, my most local Womens Aid outpost.

She has filled out a referal form while speaking to me and someone is going to contact me to arrange to meet and discuss my options.

They have 3 refuges in my area but unfortunately they are all full at the moment. There is a group that meets in my town that she feels that I may benefit from. They are women who have suffered abuse and give each other support.

I just want to say Thank you to everyone who is supporting me here. I couldn't have made that phonecall without you.

Well done Dragon - so pleased you made that call and will soon get some help you deserve. Will keep checking to see how you are doing