I know that I should end this unhealthy marriage but I don't know how

[dragonstitcher]

It all came to a head last night. Earlier in the evening he had overreacted to something I said, by throwing something and snarling into my face "Don't you ever speak to me like that again", with real venom. Later he asked "Are we speaking?" which is basically a test of whether I am standing my ground or not. Well, I was speaking because it's childish not to, but it doesn't lead to anything constructive.

Come bedtime, he asked if I was up to 'a little fun' which of course I was not. I knew what was coming next. Vitriol, venom, intimidation, belittlement, spite and hatred. All the usual stuff he uses to try to control me. I didn't cry, I didn't try to defend myself, I didn't retaliate. I just laid there and let him pour it out. He was digging himself a big enough hole by himself, he needed no help from me. I just told myself that it was a load of bollocks and waited until he finished and turned over.

After being accused of infidelity because I had a cold sore and then the way he has treated me and my girls over christmas and new year, I have told myself that 2008 is the year to end it.

Trouble is, I haven't a clue how.

He refuses to leave and I have absolutely nowhere to go. I don't have many friends and certainly noone who could take us in. Mum and Dad have no room for me and 3 girls. I don't have any money. Thanks to x-h who forced me into bankruptcy, financial institutions won't touch me with a barge pole and I had to sign a waiver with the mortgage company so I have no claim on the house if H left and let the mortgage go.

Basically I am screwed. I don't seem to have any choice but to stay with an emotional/pschological abuser who appears to hate my guts. I am more worried for my children who are failing at school because his abuse chips away at their confidence.

Have been to solicitor. I took my mum for moral support. My head was in a mess and the solicitor got a bit impatient until I revealed that I was suffering mental abuse, at which point she immediately softened. I think she even let me run over my alloted time.

Right. She does not want me to leave the house unless I really have to. She said the waver I signed means that if the mortgage wasn't paid and they have to repossess, then I wouldn't be able to claim any right to stay in it. It doesn't mean that in divorce law that I have no claim on the house. I am entitled to stay in the house until my youngest child is grown.

I have a decision to make. Preferably, I should tell him that the marriage is over and I want him to leave. If he refuses and gets abusive, I'd have to weather it until he relents. If he gets physically violent, I phone the police and have him removed. If I can cope with that it would work in my favour. Or, I would have to find someone to take DDs and I in temporily while I start divorce proceedings and the courts can then make him leave.

She says that it would be unwise for me to leave and try to pay rent on my meager income. I couldn't do it.

So, at the moment my plan is:
Try to get hold of Womens Aid again.
Research financial help.
Pack up and ship out to my Mum and Dads house anything of sentimental value.
Wait until he threatens the end of the marriage again and agree with him and stick to my guns. Try to get him to leave.
In the meantime (after sentimental stuff is safe) stick up for myself, state my opinion, be less guarded about avoiding provacation and weather the storm.

Dragonstitcher - Good for you! You sound surprisingly composed and together.

I really can't offer any advice other than you are going in the right direction. I'm sure it won't be easy when he finds out you are not the doormat he thinks you are and that you have found out your rights, so you are going to have to be tough and determined, as we know us women can be when we want to be!!

Persevere with the Women's Aid, my friend found them very helpful, and sympathetic.

Keep us posted on progress!! Good luck.

Thank you Helen. I'm not as composed as my post may make out though. I'm serious, but to be honest, I'm scared witless. I honestly don't know if I can do this.

Oh well done you ds!! Glad you took your Mum too it's always good to have a back-up support. Bet she was horrified at some of the things she heard yo uhad to put up with ?

You have a plan which is always encouraging,hope it doesn't get nasty(-er) for you.Let's face it you've had some pretty big shit from him before so at least now you know the end is in sight it will give you the strength to ignore him or fight back. If you EVER feel in any danger though just get out with your DD's.

Hope you feel justifiably pleased with your self!

Wow Dragon - I got a lump in my throat as I read that. Am so impressed by how far you have moved on in this. Your determination and love for your dcs makes me know you CAN do this. (And don't forget how many mners are behind you!)

You can for your DD's & YOU

Just think of DD1's face when you discussed leaving with her, that should help?

please believe when we say you can This bit is the shit bit because of the amount of a battering your self esteem has taken

your oldest DD sounds like a star she believes in you. you have to start believing in yourself

Just a thought. Could you leave a packed bag with some basic clothes/toiletries for you & the DD's at your mum's? Then if you ever felt really you had to get out you could just go but at least have some supplies to tide you over at the refuge? ( I know they have stuff but it's nice to have your own)

just want to say DS - you're doing brilliantly, you've come so far already you CAN do this, you WILL make the right choices for you and the girls. just think of the end of the journey when you're all free of H and able to do as you wish.

I wish you all the very best of luck

DS, you CAN do it - you will have so much support - your mother, your friends, your daughters, solicitor, Women's Aid - and us!

We know you must be scared - the idea of an emergency bag at your mother's is a good one - but only leave as a last resort - it's your and your children's home and you have a legal claim on it whilst your children are under age - as someone else and the solicitor said. If he threatens violence, the police will remove him. And don't hesitate to call the police even if he only threatens violence. Don't wait for him to actually strike.

You will feel SO much stronger once you've made the first move.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on. If you waver, we'll give you all the support we can.

Keep talking to us DS-when you can- back later x

You Ok DS??

Thanks so much for your support everyone.

H is in the bath as I write. Off to bed soon. He is acting cold towards me. I am just trying to be civil/friendly. We both have colds, so I'm hoping that we can just go to sleep without a fight.

Glad it went well Dragon. I think he's calling your bluff a bit, so it's great that you are now a step ahead of him and armed with information. If you can manage to get hold of the woman from Woman's Aid, it might be worth discussing your visit to the solicitor and see if she has anything to add to help you make the next move.

I phoned Womens Aid again. They do a security check thing with my Dr but are waiting for him to get permission from me to talk to them. I will take a letter of permission to the surgury today.

Well done, you are doing something pro-active every day!

I am not surprised you are scared witless, this is a huge thing to have to go through. Please do take all the help you can get, ie. G.P., women's aid, talking to friends and your mum, odd glass of wine!! What about taking up Judo lessons - might make him think twice and be good for your self-confidence.

Sorry can't offer any better advice, if you need any reassurance that you are doing the right thing why not start a new thread, (as well as this one), asking for advice and encouragement from people who have gone through it. I have read plenty of threads over the years on here and I am sure they could give you some extra strength knowing how much better the future could be.

Stay strong.

Not surpised he is acting cold DS - he might actually be realising you are serious about this and sulking that he can't get his own way anymore!
Hope you have a good night's sleep and keep up with your positive steps tomorrow

Hope your w/e is going Ok DS?

Just checking how your weekend went DS - did you get some talking done? Anyway been thinking about you and just wanted to send you some more support.

Morning DS-hope you are OK??

What's on your to-do list today??!!

Sorry - should have said that I started a new thread 'Planning The Great escape'. The great escape isn't going to plan though. I dropped the bombshell. We have talked loads. He hasn't reacted in the way I expected. He is very scared, humble and apologetic, promising undying love, he is nothing without me etc. I don't think he can keep that up forever though. I expect as soon as I drop my guard and he becomes comfortable again, he will revert back to how he was before. I will just have to make sure I don't.

IT's OK Ds -=did wonder if there was another one! "The Great Escape" sound good-very positive!

Glad you've talked, but don't lower your guard-he's seeing a new you that won't be bullied any more so he's going for the nicy-nicy approach.

Go with it Ds. He will not become Prince Charming. He's a frog.

Hope you're ok.