I know that I should end this unhealthy marriage but I don't know how

[dragonstitcher]

It all came to a head last night. Earlier in the evening he had overreacted to something I said, by throwing something and snarling into my face "Don't you ever speak to me like that again", with real venom. Later he asked "Are we speaking?" which is basically a test of whether I am standing my ground or not. Well, I was speaking because it's childish not to, but it doesn't lead to anything constructive.

Come bedtime, he asked if I was up to 'a little fun' which of course I was not. I knew what was coming next. Vitriol, venom, intimidation, belittlement, spite and hatred. All the usual stuff he uses to try to control me. I didn't cry, I didn't try to defend myself, I didn't retaliate. I just laid there and let him pour it out. He was digging himself a big enough hole by himself, he needed no help from me. I just told myself that it was a load of bollocks and waited until he finished and turned over.

After being accused of infidelity because I had a cold sore and then the way he has treated me and my girls over christmas and new year, I have told myself that 2008 is the year to end it.

Trouble is, I haven't a clue how.

He refuses to leave and I have absolutely nowhere to go. I don't have many friends and certainly noone who could take us in. Mum and Dad have no room for me and 3 girls. I don't have any money. Thanks to x-h who forced me into bankruptcy, financial institutions won't touch me with a barge pole and I had to sign a waiver with the mortgage company so I have no claim on the house if H left and let the mortgage go.

Basically I am screwed. I don't seem to have any choice but to stay with an emotional/pschological abuser who appears to hate my guts. I am more worried for my children who are failing at school because his abuse chips away at their confidence.

How dare he try and turn it round on you to make you feel bad. Classic PA behaviour and you know it. Don't feel like a heel, he has brought this on himself. You have not ruined his life - he has ruined his marriage and you are not going to stand for him ruining your life.
Please call someone else if you have not had a response still. I do not want anyone or anything to stand in your way now you are a on a roll to your new life.

Don't waver DS!!

Of course he is going to make you feel bad, you will do anyway but he'll score points to make you change your mind. Don't give in it's all part of his game playing!

dragon, your last post reminds me so much of my own state of mind a few years ago. Ex ismanipulative, mysoginistic, aggressive, suspicious...sound familiar??
He has fallen apart since I left, eg phoning me from a call box last week to scream abuse at me and make death threats, because I had finally cancelled the phone account in my name at our previous house, and that meant that he had to set up his own phone account.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is - that inspite of all the problems, this past year has in many ways been the happiest of my life, and I finally feel able to relax and enjoy some time with my children.
I stayed for ages because I thought my children needed their father, but his behaviour impacted more and more on them as they got older.
I wouldnt go back for anything.
Keep reminding yourself of the basic reasons why you want to finish it, to get over the guilt. If you really know that they are valid, then the guilt is just a fearful smoke screen.

We had an almost reasonable discussion last night. It was short because I got upset. He said that he wasn't being horrible (he was being careful to put it gently) but he feels that the marriage is over. He doesn't think I love him because I don't show it. He says I'm in a mood when he comes home from work, I don't touch him or make an effort and we don't make love enough.

I am usually frazzled when he comes home from work because I am cooking tea for people who are difficult to feed. One of my stepsons usually turns up unexpected and I am expected to feed him at a moments notice. Usually this is not long before I have to go to work myself (I start at 6pm). Things irritate me which I have to bury because I haven't the freedom to express them openly, i.e. having to bend over backwards to do things for my stepsons that not even their own mum would do. I don't resent stepsons for it, I resent H, because it's him that expects it, not them. This resentment builds up together with the strain of walking on eggshells not to say the wrong thing and cowering while he loses his temper because he has lost something or the girls bedroom is a bombsite, so feeling intimate with him is the last thing on my mind.

He says that we should never have gotten married and I feel guilty because I feel he is probably right. We were both raw from failed marriages and both needed to feel loved again. I feel as though he just needed a surrogate mother for his boys, he feels as though I just needed a roof over my head. I can't regret marrying him, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have my youngest DD and I couldn't imagine my life without her.

We both know that this marriage has run it's course, but he is leaving it up to me to do something about it. He says that I should contact a solicitor and get on with it. He says that he isn't going going to be the one to end it. He says that I blame him for everything but he can't see that he has done anything wrong. He says that I expect too much from him.

Basically he is making everything all my fault, just as he always does. It's my fault that the marriage is over because I don't love him. It's up to me whether I end it or not. So if I do, it'll be me breaking his heart.

I don't know what he really wants. Does he really want me to go through with it or is he just trying to frighten me into changing my ways and make an effort to save the relationship, which would mean demeaning myself, letting everyone walk all over me and being happy about it?

Dragon, think of what you want, for you and your girls, not what he wants.

Have you had a discussion with a solicitor yet? There are some complications in your financial arrangements which does make it less straightforward, but I think it is important to find out how you stand financially so that you know how to proceed. Can you continue to work evenings if you separate? Will your older DD be around for the younger one?

He wants a divorce from you. that's what 'this marriage is over' and 'we should never have married' mean. He just hasn't got the guts to drive it himself or take any of the responsibility or blame for it.

And you want a divorce too. So you will have to get on and do it. Go to a solicitor and get the process rolling, like he said. If he wants you to be the one to end it then that's great, you are in control.

Dragonstitcher, I have so much sympathy - a few years after I separated from DH I realised how his manipulation and unwillingness to take any blame had chewed away at my selfesteem and made me feel I had no control over my life. Down the track I have found myself again - confident, capable, and in full control of myself and my happiness. It is so worth it.

Pick up the phone to a solicitor, and move into DDs room tonight.

[hug]

He has just phoned me from work. He asked me if I was OK. I said No not really. He asked what was wrong now? I replied Nothing new. He carried on chatting as though nothing had been discussed the night before. We chatted about the girls being unable to tidy their room. We joked about something else. He certainly didn't sound as though our marriage was over. It was business as usual.

It's SO frustrating!

he is manipulating you; trying to make YOU take respomsibility for the end of the marraige. If this tactic doesn't work (ie you persist in wanting to end your marriage) he will become agressive agin. After that he may try self harm, He will do anything to keep you 'under te thumb' I disagree with missingtheaction. He DOES NOT want a divorce, why would he?? everything is done for him. He wants to keep you as his cowed abused slave at home. and he will manipulate as hard as he can to keep the status quo.
Try to stay focussed on YOU and you DDs. Try to see his manipulation for what it really is.

good luck

I spoke to my 15yo DD this morning in private and asked her, if I did ever leave H, did she feel that she would be able to look after her sisters when I went to work, i.e. make sure that they got washed and went to bed on time? She said immediately 'Of course!" Then asked if I was thinking about it. I said that I was considering it. She became instantly animated as though it were the best thing that could ever happen to her.

I've got to do it, haven't I?

WHat a complete KNOB he sounds. All his whining boils down to 'you won't let me have sex on you often enough and you won't obey me all the time. You bitch how dare you think you're a human being rather than one of my possessions.'
Stay tough girl, you can get away from him. It's his fault, not yours. ANd if he married you when you were on the rebound from a bad marriage, that's because he's a predator who knew (consciously or not) that a hurt, vulnerable woman would be easy to control.

Sorry missingtheaction, lemon summed it up in a nutshell. He doesn't want a divorce at all, it is all manipulation. He has me literally not knowing whether I am coming or going. I have had enough, but he is making it feel impossible to leave. It is as though he has me on a lead. He lets me get as far as the door and then yanks me back in again.

I phoned womens aid again just now but it is an answering machine. I left a message. I need their help before going to a solictor. I can't get things moving while we are still together.

BTW, a man at the CAB told me that he couldn't help me and that I need a solictor. He also said that he couldn't imagine me in a refuge, that they were horrible places and I was too nice for one, which was sweet but very unhelpful.

Dragon, why do you feel that you need to leave before consulting a solictor? I understand that you feel that the CAB man was unhelpful when he spoke about the refuge, but it's probably not going to be a bed of roses for you or the girls. You may be entitled to a lot more finacially than you think, which might enable an easier split.

Chopchop - How is he going to react when things start happening? The first thing a solictor is going to want to do is have the house valued.

Well, initially the solicitor will just be advising you about your rights and what you can expect. I think you really need to know how you stand with regard to the waiver form you signed. Everything can move at the pace you need it to, so until you invite an estate agent to value the house it won't happen. He has said he thinks you should contact a solicitor. Do you think he will become violent if you do that - or try harder to manipulate you into staying? I just think that if you and the children leave the house voluntarily you might be making things difficult for yourself. A solicitor could advise you if that is true or not.

I guess I'm putting off the solictor because I'm scared that I'll go, get upset and get sent away again.

Please don't put it off. Choose a different solicitor. Remember they will want your business. It's as much about you interviewing them for their suitability to be your solicitor as it is about them providing an initial consultation.

Have just made an appointment for 12 noon tomorrow.

Well done and good luck!

Sorry to butt in here, but I have just read this and felt I had to comment as I have a friend who has been through a very similar situation. Her h was controlling and manipulative, (basically a pig), but she did not realise how bad it was until after he had gone, she said before he left she wished he would either have an affair or actually hit her so she could finish it without guilt and nobody could blame her,(we could all see what he was like but she obviously didn't realise it). She was so browbeat she didn't think the mental abuse was bad enough either.

Can I just make some practical suggestions, I hope they are not too "real" for you. I know my friend was asked to bring in relevant information for the solicitor so they had the whole picture, it might be an idea for you to write a bit down in case you struggle at your appointment tomorrow, (don't worry I'm sure that most people in this situation would be in floods of tears, they'll be expecting it). Find, photocopy and then return any paperwork that may be of use in the future including mortgage papers, bank statements, etc. He may decide to hide it if you say you are leaving, which may hinder a divorce,(my friends h locked it all in the boot of his car).

My friend had a joint current account with her h, she tried to close it but the bank would not allow it without his signature as well, with direct debits taking it into un-authorised overdraft which she was made to pay -off as he would not give his address. Don't know how you could prevent this but please be aware.

Phone any companies that you have joint accounts with & check that bills have been paid, (ie credit cards, electric, water etc). My friend was giving him money every month for her share of the bills only to find he wasn't actually paying them, so when he left she was left with some very nasty surprises.

I know this is horrible, but I think your daughter has made it quite clear that you need to do this, for all your sakes.

Please be strong, you are worth so much more than this, it will be hard but so worth it in the end. We will be here for you and thinking of you tomorrow.

Thank you Helen. Feel free to butt in, the more the merrier. Any advice or experience shall be gratefully received.

We don't have any joint accounts but the TV licence and utility bills are in my name, so I will have to make sure I get those changed.

I am sorting out some paperwork for the solictor now. So far I have bank statements, P60s, Child Tax credit award notices. I will dig out any relevant mortgage info next, thanks.

Sounds like you are doing a great job then!

Sorry to be the real harbinger of doom here but my friends h found out she had been to the solicitor, (no idea how), and went mad. So please be careful who you tell or watch for any odd jottings you may make by the 'phone etc. Best to make sure of your course of action before you tell him so you are clear in your head.

Just another thought, do you have a friend who could go with you? You may find it hard to take in all the information yourself. If not, make notes!

Hope all this helps,

Dragonstitcher, nothing to add really to what the others have said, but just read through your thread and wanted to wish you luck. Be strong, if only for your dds sakes - you owe it to them and to yourself. Don't let him play with your mind, you are not underplaying what you've been through - you WILL get out, you WILL get through. And you have wonderful daughters who will help. Your eldest sounds a gem.

Well done Dragon and am glad re your daughter's reaction.
Every little thing that happens further in your situation makes me feel you are so doing the right thing.
Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, will be thinking of you (and working from home so will have MN on!)

Meant to say - from your 10.08 post this am you seem to have a more calm, honest and detached understanding of the situation too which is another step forward

Go for it DS- ggod luck 7 keep us posted- agree with Tanee58-your eldest DD sounds a gem-bless her!