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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know that I should end this unhealthy marriage but I don't know how

99 replies

dragonstitcher · 02/01/2008 12:09

It all came to a head last night. Earlier in the evening he had overreacted to something I said, by throwing something and snarling into my face "Don't you ever speak to me like that again", with real venom. Later he asked "Are we speaking?" which is basically a test of whether I am standing my ground or not. Well, I was speaking because it's childish not to, but it doesn't lead to anything constructive.

Come bedtime, he asked if I was up to 'a little fun' which of course I was not. I knew what was coming next. Vitriol, venom, intimidation, belittlement, spite and hatred. All the usual stuff he uses to try to control me. I didn't cry, I didn't try to defend myself, I didn't retaliate. I just laid there and let him pour it out. He was digging himself a big enough hole by himself, he needed no help from me. I just told myself that it was a load of bollocks and waited until he finished and turned over.

After being accused of infidelity because I had a cold sore and then the way he has treated me and my girls over christmas and new year, I have told myself that 2008 is the year to end it.

Trouble is, I haven't a clue how.

He refuses to leave and I have absolutely nowhere to go. I don't have many friends and certainly noone who could take us in. Mum and Dad have no room for me and 3 girls. I don't have any money. Thanks to x-h who forced me into bankruptcy, financial institutions won't touch me with a barge pole and I had to sign a waiver with the mortgage company so I have no claim on the house if H left and let the mortgage go.

Basically I am screwed. I don't seem to have any choice but to stay with an emotional/pschological abuser who appears to hate my guts. I am more worried for my children who are failing at school because his abuse chips away at their confidence.

OP posts:

colditz · 03/01/2008 12:52

well done dragonstitcher.

i suggest you start signing out after you finish on mumsnet, and change all your passwords too if i were you/

fireflyfairy2 · 03/01/2008 13:05

Well done on taking the first step, it's always the hardest.

My sister is in the same boat, except it's phsyical too.

She's not ready to leave yet though

bossybritches · 03/01/2008 13:16

Good advice Colditz.

Dragon you have made a small but powerful step to freedom & a happier life. It's not going to be easy but do use us all for back up & support.

Just take each day as it comes & if you can squirrel away bits of money here & there (your child allowance?) so you have a bit to fall back on it all helps.

Not sure if you're a huggy person but I am so ((((good on you)))))

peanutbear · 03/01/2008 23:15

I am so pleased for you best of luck the future loks brighter x

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 04/01/2008 09:54

Thanks Colditz. My account is already set to log off automatically when I close the browser window. I think I will change my passwords though, when I work out how. I'm going to have to change them on other things too, ie my hotmail account. I suspect he has been checking my email.

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 04/01/2008 09:58

Dragon, if you believe he is checking up on you then make sure you clear the internet history too after you use it.

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 04/01/2008 10:01

BTW My 15yo DD heard him shouting and swearing at me the other night. He woke her up with it. I asked her how she would feel if I managed to leave him and she said that she would be very happy. I asked about my other two DDs. She said DD#2 would be OK, DD#3 (aged 7 and his DD) would be upset but would go with me anywhere. It's DD#3 that I am most worried about being affected by my leaving. She loves him because he is her Dad, but she doesn't always like him. I still think that she will find it hard.

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 04/01/2008 10:08

It's really hard because at 7 she won't understand, but you know what he is like and that you will all have a better life without him. When she gets older she will see that too. You are clearing your internet history aren't you?

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 04/01/2008 10:17

Yes, I am clearing the internet history.

OP posts:

newnamefornewyearbookwormmum · 04/01/2008 10:31

I'd also suggest setting up a windows account for you if possible that you can password protect so he can't even get into your documents you've got stored on the pc. Unfortunately this might not be practicable, depending on your pc, or your H's reaction when he finds out but it's worth thinking about.

Thinking of you.

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 05/01/2008 09:42

Now I'm getting the look that someone might give a naughty child after they have told them off and made them cry. You know, the 'I love you but I'm sorry it had to be done' look.

OP posts:

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 05/01/2008 12:27

I'm really worried that the womens aid thing is going to fizzle into nothing, just like every other time I have saught help. I went to family therapy, first with the kids and then with H (because he wouldn't go with the kids) for 18 months and that ended up with them saying that they couldn't help, that I had to help myself. I took DD#1 to the Drs because of her panic attacks, thinking they would offer her CBT and they didn't want to know. Everytime I discuss my worries with all three DDs teachers, they think it's not such a big deal.

What if H is right and it's all in my head. Perhaps I exagerate when I come on here, for attention and I don't realise it. What if there is something mentally wrong with me and I can't see it but everyone else can and that's why I get fobbed off all the time. Is that why every thread I post here dies off so quick all the time?

I'm scared that the woman who is going to meet me is going to say, "Well, actually I don't think you are being abused at all. You are just over sensitive. I recommend you go for councelling." And then I'll try to get councelling and they'll say go away, there is nothing wrong with you.

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 05/01/2008 12:56

You sound to be like you have been ground down by him. The fact that you are doubting that your situation is bad, if you are so very unhappy and you think things are bad, then they are. You may have lost all confidence and the ability to ask for what you want or fight for it.

You do need help and support to give you the strength to do what you know is right.

Re the family therapy, I'm no expert at all, but maybe they are right that in some ways you do have to use the tools they give you to help yourself to a certain extent?

I'm sure someone more experience of this will come along and offer better advice.

bossybritches · 05/01/2008 21:03

I do think dragon,that like Mutha says, you have been mentally abused by your DH that you even start to doubt your own sanity. I have seen this before with several of my friends & it is only AFTER they get out & start re-building their lives that they realise how "ground" down they were. That is how psychological bullies work.

Maybe when you have sought help before they could tell you weren't really in the mental space to help yourself ( with their help) to get out. Now,maybe, the time is right you are feeling more determined (angry?) & therefore you will use them more effectively to get out.

The problem is all these support systems can only help when the time is right for you to move forward & use them positively- sounds to me like you HAVE reached that point
so deep breath & baby steps-don't look at EVERYTHING you have to do just what the next step is.!!

Good luck & keep posting.

colditz · 05/01/2008 22:46

I thought that, Dragonstitcher. I thought I was exaggerating on here for sympathy. I really did think that - but the truth is, I wasn't posting about even half of what was going on. I have experienced the lack of self esteem, the lack of confidence in my judgement, that can be produced when someone is treating you badly.

It's YOUR life. It's not up to other people how much you decide to put up with - it's up to you. Nobody else knows your sticking point, your red flag, the point where you draw the line.

Nobody here has said "Oh my, what a sweet man, how lucky you are to have him". He sounds like a prize twat.

I also found that people wouldn't, couldn't help me. They can't. You really do have to do it yourself. It's a decision you have to make.

It would have been pointless anyone removing exp before the day I made him leave - I would have let him straight back in again.

YOu need to ball up your courage into a cannon ball, and charge with it. You CAN do it. If I could, as far in denial as I was, then you can too.

bossybritches · 05/01/2008 23:24

Exactly colditz -when the time is right eh?

Good for you.

Dior · 05/01/2008 23:32

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 05/01/2008 23:40

dragon, please get advice from womens aid.
like colditz, I spent ages getting myself together before taking action. An important part of preparing to leave, is researching it, to find out the answers to all your scarey questions.

Jackstini · 06/01/2008 21:24

Dragon, you are at the stage now where you won't let it fizzle into nothing because you are ready to do something about it.
Now is when you have been pushed over your limit, now is when you are strong enough to see it through.
If you don't hear anything tomorrow from women's aid, call a solicitor, refuge or CAB.
Positive steps, one at a time, to a positive future. You can do it.

bookwormmum · 06/01/2008 21:28

Dragon you have got as far as posting on here so you do have the courage to do what you need to, to get your life back.

You have to do it yourself but keep reminding yourself of why you want this to happen since you will get days when you just want the 'old' H back and things'll be fine. Bookmark these threads if necessary .

peanutbear · 06/01/2008 21:36

Hello just read your updated posts its not all in your head, someone has been telling you that for so long you are beginning to believe it
Take a deep breath you have made the first step you just need to find the strength to see it through

You will feel so much better when you have come out the otherside this much I can promise

bookwormmum · 06/01/2008 21:39

You might find it helpful to read
this book as well.

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 07/01/2008 10:41

I've just read the passive agressive thread. That's what he is!

OP posts:

Jackstini · 07/01/2008 12:49

Saw you on there Dragon! Have you had any response from WA yet?

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 07/01/2008 13:10

No, I'm still waiting. I just want to get on with it now that I have taken the first step by calling them. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I'm being civil and friendly to H but he knows that something is up. He isn't phoning me from work because he wants me to phone him to test whether I love him. He knows that I feel cool towards him and keeps asking me (in a kind way which is also kind of creepy) to stop it and for us to get back to normal.

I told him yesterday that I don't know how to feel about him and act with him after what he said the other night. He sighs and looks dejected. (Why are you doing this? I'm so sad). He makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong, stirring things up and refusing to let them settle.

If someone said to me "Here is a house (or even a flat) you can move into now" I'd go like a shot. I'd feel sad, but I'd go. I keep dreaming about the freedom the kids and I would have. We could have things the way we wanted them, make a mess if we wanted to, have our own rules. But then I think about how H would be if we went. I can imagine him falling apart. He is going to tell me that I have ruined his life. And I feel like a heel.

OP posts:

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