Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW moved closer

119 replies

Confused455 · 17/02/2022 19:14

My DH and OW at his work place had an emotional affair 10 years ago when i was pregnant with my son, he was telling her they were spiritually connected when my son was two weeks old. I caught him in contact with her again two years later when I had my second child. I told him if he didn’t cut all communication it was over.
They haven’t been in contact. We also moved out of london to the countryside.
For some reason today I checked her Instagram page. She was living in London but has now moved with her new husband and kids within 10 miles of us within the last few months.
My alarm bells are ringing. What do I do?

OP posts:
iwishu · 17/02/2022 19:39

Do they still work together? Are they connected on social media?
A lot of time has now passed, people and feelings change, do you feel you can trust him?

TheSnowyOwl · 17/02/2022 19:40

Do you have any reason to believe anything is going on.

TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 19:42

Not suprised alarm bells are ringing. Your husband is a cheating knob. It doesnt really matter where the ow lives. The issue is there was one and your dh is sniffing around her again

CagneyNYPD1 · 17/02/2022 19:44

OK, let me ask the question.. How old are her dc?

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 17/02/2022 19:51

So as far as you are aware they've had no contact for the past 8 years?
Or social contact? I can't tell if they still work for the same company?

On the face of it, I wouldn't be concerned, but if the above factors in I'd be worried.

Hawkins001 · 17/02/2022 19:52

all the best op

GettingItOutThere · 17/02/2022 20:03

eugh thats not good OP

i would not trust him after the first time to be honest!

Original poster
Confused455 · 17/02/2022 20:19

It’s strange because of couple of months ago he was going to meet a colleague nearby, but it suddenly got called off. (He doesn’t meet anyone for a coffee) now I’m thinking that’s strange. He hasn’t mentioned them rescheduling the coffee again.
They no longer work together. I don’t have access to his phone so I’m presuming they don’t have any contact. Her children her both under 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused455 · 17/02/2022 20:21

I actually rang her the last time, and told her if she kept messing around with my life I would start messing around in hers. That’s mainly when she disappeared.

OP posts:
TYU7 · 17/02/2022 20:24

Presumably she has married and had kids since then? Personally I would say that’s coincidence. However this is what happens when you forgive a cheat. You can never be 100% sure and start doubting yourself even after 10 years.

WTF475878237NC · 17/02/2022 20:26

Do you live in a small town or village? If so when she had the whole of the UK to move to my alarm bells would be ringing too. Are you wondering if he is the father of one of her children?

UrsulaBursula · 17/02/2022 20:26

I think the problem is that the trust is broken in your relationship - not that she has moved closer.

If your still checking her social media 10 years later…your not over it. You need to think about wether you want to keep doing this for the next 10 years?

What will be the plan now she has moved closer? Move again?

You can’t keep running away from the fact that your partner is a cheat and you can’t trust him anymore.

NowEvenBetter · 17/02/2022 20:26

It was your husband who was messing with your life though. Did you tell him the same? What proof do you have that he is trustworthy after the second time he was in contact with her? How has he fundamentally changed who he is as a person? Surely he must have for you to have chosen to stay with a proven liar.

Ginger1982 · 17/02/2022 20:27

You clearly don't trust him, so what is the point? I would have kicked him out long before now.

MsDogLady · 17/02/2022 20:36

Your feelings are valid, OP. You really must address this with your H.

I would tell him that you’re aware she has move close by, and that his continued NC is
non-negotiable. That she is now married makes no difference, as they’ve twice proven that their boundaries are weak for each other.

I hope he will show empathy for your unsettled feelings, and will reassure you that he will never break NC. He actually needs to provide full transparency like he surely did while rebuilding your trust during reconciliation.

Honestly, though, I would not be prepared to spend the rest of my life feeling anxious about whether he will blow his 3rd chance…

TooWicked · 17/02/2022 20:42

For some reason today I checked her Instagram page.

It’s strange because of couple of months ago he was going to meet a colleague nearby, but it suddenly got called off.

That’s your gut feeling (rightly) kicking in.

I would pick your moment and say to your DH “because of your emotional affairs, and due to something I’ve just found out about recently, I’m feeling quite insecure and paranoid, so I need to have a look at your phone, now”.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know, either way. If he stalls in any way at all with handing his phone over, you have your answer.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 17/02/2022 20:43

8 years later and you still find yourself checking her instagram. It doesn't matter if they're still in contact or if she's moved her family closer, you're not over this. 8 years later and you still don't trust your husband (I wouldn't trust him either but I'd have got rid of him a decade ago the first time he cheated).

I can't imagine what this must be like for you. Living your life with someone you can't trust. Are you worried about who he is working with now? He could have replaced her with someone else.

You'll probably never know if he's cheating again. He's cheated twice that you know about, he'll be much sneakier now and be better at hiding it.

Your options are to either leave or accept that this is your life now, turn a blind eye and distract yourself.

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 17/02/2022 20:47

"Are you wondering if he is the father of one of her children?"

If she wasn't she will be now you have said that ...

MsDogLady · 19/02/2022 21:13

Have you spoken to your H, OP?

AgentJohnson · 21/02/2022 07:12

She can move where she likes, it’s not your call. Cheating is the gift that keeps on giving, the anxiety your feeling now is sadly part of that.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 07:33

Is the place you moved to a standard place that people normally move to from London - like would it be a logical move for them?

Don't mention her move to your H if you're going to stay with him because if he still has feelings for her telling him she's so close isn't going to help the way you feel.

Ultimately, though, you can't trust him 8 years on. You had a gut feeling for good reason. Do you still want to be married to him?

AnyFucker · 21/02/2022 07:37

You will never have peace of mind if you stay with a one-time cheater, but he is a serial offender

If your relationship hangs on her proximity, it is doomed

dangerrabbit · 21/02/2022 07:57

He is to blame for this insecurity in your relationship, not her. If it wasn't her, he could find someone else. He has shown himself to be not trustworthy.

crochetmonkey74 · 21/02/2022 08:04

I think asking to see his phone is a great idea

phizog · 21/02/2022 08:39

@Confused455

It’s strange because of couple of months ago he was going to meet a colleague nearby, but it suddenly got called off. (He doesn’t meet anyone for a coffee) now I’m thinking that’s strange. He hasn’t mentioned them rescheduling the coffee again. They no longer work together. I don’t have access to his phone so I’m presuming they don’t have any contact. Her children her both under 5.
That's what triggered your spidey senses and made you check her IG. You think he was meeting her correct?

Given he re-started the affair again a few years after stopping it the first time, it's entirely possible it's always been simmering. Or he has met someone new, and her move is just coincidence. Or is really a colleague though I would have expected him to reschedule it at some point if so. I don't think you can trust him at all really. He had an EA when you were pregnant, then re-started it the second time you were pregnant and is clearly still doing things that raise your suspicion.

It sounds a terrible way to live tbh, always wondering what he's upto. You'll just have to watch for signs that he's behaving oddly again. A decade seems a long time to still harbour feelings but then they do have form for picking up after a gap so who knows?

Assuming her DH doesn't know about the EA or I can't imagine him being ok with moving so close to you?