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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW moved closer

119 replies

Confused455 · 17/02/2022 19:14

My DH and OW at his work place had an emotional affair 10 years ago when i was pregnant with my son, he was telling her they were spiritually connected when my son was two weeks old. I caught him in contact with her again two years later when I had my second child. I told him if he didn’t cut all communication it was over.
They haven’t been in contact. We also moved out of london to the countryside.
For some reason today I checked her Instagram page. She was living in London but has now moved with her new husband and kids within 10 miles of us within the last few months.
My alarm bells are ringing. What do I do?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun76 · 21/02/2022 08:45

Ah hon that's shit. If you check her social media on an occasional basis that's probably normal but quite damaging. If you haven't checked for a long time and this came out of nowhere it's probably your gut instinct, you know your DH, you've been together a long time and have seen his cheating before, even if you're not aware you could well be picking up on subliminal signals. The fact she's moved closer recently and the coffee with an old colleague may be something or nothing. I'd ask to see his phone and social media, if he's not immediately open to it you'll have your answer xxx

isthismylifenow · 21/02/2022 08:52

@TooWicked

For some reason today I checked her Instagram page.

It’s strange because of couple of months ago he was going to meet a colleague nearby, but it suddenly got called off.

That’s your gut feeling (rightly) kicking in.

I would pick your moment and say to your DH “because of your emotional affairs, and due to something I’ve just found out about recently, I’m feeling quite insecure and paranoid, so I need to have a look at your phone, now”.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know, either way. If he stalls in any way at all with handing his phone over, you have your answer.

I agree OP.

He broke the trust, it doesn't just mend again.

Is there a reason you have no access to his phone? Does he keep it pin locked etc?

Autumndays123 · 21/02/2022 09:20

OP, he's shown you in the past he has feelings for this woman that were strong enough for him to risk your marriage not once, but twice. The fact you had to ring her to tell her to stay away as your husband evidently couldn't is pretty damning IMO.

Regardless of whether she's moved to be closer to your DH, or whether they've met up again or whatever, you quite rightly don't trust him and this is because he's not trustworthy. I would personally be exploring my options as there's no way I could stay with a man declaring his love for another woman during both of my pregnancies

WouldIwasShookspeared · 21/02/2022 09:22

You caught him twice.
I seriously doubt but he had the bad luck to be caught the only two times he was at it

I imagine they're still in contact.

If they are - what will you do?
What you do now really depends what you would do if you do prove they're still in contact. You've forgiven him twice. Will you just forgive him again?

Autumndays123 · 21/02/2022 09:51

I think the PP has a good point actually. I'd think about what you would do if you found out he was still up to something, because as harsh as it is, if you would forgive him again is it really worth putting yourself through the heartache of trying to find out?

Rosebuud · 21/02/2022 09:55

I think sadly if the only way to keep your husband faithful is to go round warning other women not to accept his advances you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Honestly, don’t put yourself through the hassle of trying to find out if all that comes from it is you forgive him and warn her off.

Thewindwhispers · 21/02/2022 10:48

You do nothing.

If you hadn’t looked up her Instagram, you wouldn’t know about this.

Ten miles isn’t so close, for London commuter belt.

Yes it is stressful and upsetting having her so close, I totally understand the 😱😱😱 reaction, BUT anything you do (interrogating DH / asking to see his phone / contacting the OW etc) will make it worse.

Until something has happened, nothing has happened, and let the past stay in the past.

GreenClock · 21/02/2022 11:01

I think that the move is probably a coincidence (loads of people have moved out of London since the first lockdown, there is a long thread ongoing on that very topic) but the fact that you don’t trust him (rightly) is problematic and your instincts are telling you something. So it is more likely that he’s cheating with a different party, I think.

But TBH there’s no point making a big thing of this if you’re just going to roll over every time he cheats. You’re better off turning a blind eye and accepting what he’s like if you’re determined not to divorce him. Find a way of living with it, or separate as amicably as you can.

Original poster
Confused455 · 02/03/2022 09:41

So little update….

I’ve watched him being on what’s app but only person he talks to is his mum. His mum told me he hadn’t contacted her that day, but I can see him on and off line all morning

Then last night lying in bed he said he needs to commute into London to the office next Thursday for lunch with a colleague flying over from New York. He hasn’t been to the office in three years.

I asked him about it again this morning and he said he might cancel.

What does that say?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/03/2022 09:44

It says you’re with someone you don’t trust

Why are you still together?

Forestdweller11 · 02/03/2022 09:45

I'd think it was either her again or someone else.

wonderwoman26 · 02/03/2022 09:48

Oh OP, im sorry you had to go throught that.

Is he the type to be honest if you ask him straight up?

Lay out that facts and try and have an open and frank conversation with him. Say you have noticed he has been sketchy regarding meeting up with colleagues, you know OW has moved very close to the area and you are feeling insecure and would like reassurance.

His response should give you everything you need - if he is forthcoming and willing to prove there and then no conversations have been had then that should put your mind as ease, if not - then maybe suggest space until he is willing to be honest with you.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/03/2022 09:51

This is why, as much as I loved the man with everything I had, I left my husband after I discovered his affair. This is no way to live. Regardless of the reason for OW moving closer and whether he is/isn't still in contact with her, you don't trust him. That is his fault, not yours and you have spent 8 years living like this...are you going to spend another 10/20/30 doing the same?

Beefcurtains79 · 02/03/2022 09:54

He’s planning on meeting her, or someone else quite soon and he thinks they’ll chicken out/think better of it.
I’d follow him!

mumsie8 · 02/03/2022 09:57

That he's up to his old (never changed) tricks

Momijin · 02/03/2022 10:03

This is no way to live op. You can't police and question every move he makes.

He cheated on you twice. When you were pregnant. What kind of man does that?

He's now obviously either wrestling with his thoughts or OW is having problems getting away so that's why he said he might cancel. He's waiting to see if she can make it.

I forgave the father of my eldest because we had a child together. But it was no way to live and after a few months ot ended.

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. Without it, there is no relationship. You can't trust him when you've just had his child, how can you trust him with anything else?

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 10:05

Ask him whether it's mom he's meeting - the absolute snake

Mumoblue · 02/03/2022 10:07

OP, this sounds exhausting.

The trust is obviously gone. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life being the marriage police and keeping tabs on him.

You don’t need him to be cheating again to leave. Though it sounds like he is, anyway.

Tdcp · 02/03/2022 10:14

Honestly, you need to trust your instincts with this one.

Starcrossed2 · 02/03/2022 10:25

Encourage him to go and follow would be what I'd do. I'd like definitive proof just for my own mind. Either way I'd ltb

MazzySatire · 02/03/2022 10:30

What do I do?

What do you want to do?
Let him stay and he continues or out he goes?
You let him off the first time and any other time after and now she’s moved closer, it’s still going on I assume… you either let him continue or leave. Doesn’t sound like it’s going to stop.

I actually rang her the last time, and told her if she kept messing around with my life I would start messing around in hers.

Well that was big and brave of you. How did that work out? Sounds like she’s still around they’ve probably just been more mindful of getting caught now and instead of turfing him out you want to know what to do about her???

I dislike cheaters both the cheater and the person who willingly enters into a relationship with a married person but you’re going after the wrong person in this situation. If you’re not willing to get rid of him then you’re not going to stop this happening.

Seraphinesupport · 02/03/2022 10:33

Hes cheating. Red flag red flag. He Might cancel because hes worrying your onto him and theres a guilty concience HES SEEING HER.

What a FUCKING douche. Man i hate people who cheat. disgusting pigs

MadeForThis · 02/03/2022 10:36

If he's going to cheat then he will cheat. With her or someone else.

You can only make your own choices. Do you want to live like this?

Eloise666 · 02/03/2022 10:44

Worrying about what the OW is doing or living is a red herring to an extent. Yes it may mean that proximity makes it easier for your H and OW to meet up.

However it’s your H that is betraying/betrayed you. It’s your H who broke his vows to you. It’s your H who is in a relationship with you. It’s your H who has lied to you and gone behind your back.

Where this woman lives is irrelevant. It’s him who your problem is with.

You can control your relationship with him, not his relationship with her and certainly not what she does.

So if you can’t trust him, you can only control whether this is who YOU want to be with.

Good luck op Flowers

dottydodah · 02/03/2022 10:57

I am sorry to say I think he is cheating again . I think spidey senses may be at play here .Why did you choose to check Instagram page.If he suddenly has a mystery appointment in London , been speaking online but DM says he hasnt spoken to her ,there are a lot of red flags waving about! Do you feel able to divorce him and go it alone .ATM you are living a life based on a detective novel .Checking his phone , SM and so on. Also why has OW suddenly decided to move closer? You are worth more than this OP. Do you have support in RL ,I think for your own peace of mind you need to ask him directly ,Be prepared for him denying it . Listen to gut instincts and get all Ducks In a Row .
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