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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW moved closer

119 replies

Confused455 · 17/02/2022 19:14

My DH and OW at his work place had an emotional affair 10 years ago when i was pregnant with my son, he was telling her they were spiritually connected when my son was two weeks old. I caught him in contact with her again two years later when I had my second child. I told him if he didn’t cut all communication it was over.
They haven’t been in contact. We also moved out of london to the countryside.
For some reason today I checked her Instagram page. She was living in London but has now moved with her new husband and kids within 10 miles of us within the last few months.
My alarm bells are ringing. What do I do?

OP posts:
needingpeace · 03/03/2022 10:43

He’s disgusting. That behaviour is not ok. It’s disrespect because he doesn’t value you. Why do you keep doing things for him?

sunshinesupermum · 03/03/2022 10:52

So sorry OP. You don't need to change!

I do think you need to get your ducks in a row and let your CF go. See a lawyer, put away as much cash as you can and prepare yourself for your new and better life away from him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 11:09

@Confused455

He’s so hateful towards me at the moment and even I leave the cap unscrewed on the fabric softener or if I don’t bring a fork back from work he goes ballistic at me. If I leave something untidy he completely loses it. I’ve told him he is bullying me and he has told me to stop messing up and we won’t argue. I need to change and be tidier. I work two jobs and I cook three different meals every night on top of bathing kids etc etc. if I do one thing wrong and leave a towel out he jumps on me. It’s not rational is it? He is saying i need to change
You cannot continue to raise children in this toxic environment OP. It's so damaging and so unfair.

The relationship is over. You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. That's best case scenario. Worst case scenario is that he's also cheating again or planning to. In fact, worst case scenario is that plus you staying and this dynamic further damaging the kids by teaching them this is what a relationship looks like.

You need to make a plan to end the relationship and stick to it.

jojojane · 03/03/2022 11:16

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, I am sure it is incredibly hard.

Your partner is a prick. An absolute twat. He disrespected you, not once, but twice, that you know of.

I would just confront him. Ask him outright. Explain your insecurities.. which were caused by his actions, and see what he says.

It sounds like he may turn it on you. If he does, you have further confirmation that he's a selfish prick who does not deserve your time.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/03/2022 11:20

@Confused455

He’s so hateful towards me at the moment and even I leave the cap unscrewed on the fabric softener or if I don’t bring a fork back from work he goes ballistic at me. If I leave something untidy he completely loses it. I’ve told him he is bullying me and he has told me to stop messing up and we won’t argue. I need to change and be tidier. I work two jobs and I cook three different meals every night on top of bathing kids etc etc. if I do one thing wrong and leave a towel out he jumps on me. It’s not rational is it? He is saying i need to change
Eh, if that's the way my partner was treating me I wouldn't be giving a shit if he was having an affair, I would be leaving him.
pickingdaisies · 03/03/2022 11:20

I'm so sorry OP. But the way he treats you makes the cheating the least of your problems. It also makes it crystal clear that if he wants to cheat he won't hesitate for a second - he has no respect for you.

Original poster
Confused455 · 03/03/2022 11:22

I’ve told him it’s over this morning after talks have no resolution.
I’m going to get all my stuff sorted and get my own place until the house is sold. I can’t live there another day. He will never see he is toxic. He tried to say I can remember back when I first met you of incidents of you not being tidy. I told him I could remember a few incidents of his around that time too which he didn’t like me saying.
Peace talks are over. I’m done

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 03/03/2022 11:24

Why do you want to be with this man.

He is abusive towards you, you're walking on eggshells around him. and he's a cheater.

find a solicitor and get rid of him.

frazzledasarock · 03/03/2022 11:25

don't move out of the house till you've spoken to a solicitor. Unless you feel unsafe around him.

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/03/2022 11:28

He’s having a go at you for being untidy but it’s ok for him to have an affair? Hmm you can do so much better!

teaandchocolate1 · 03/03/2022 11:29

@Confused455

He’s so hateful towards me at the moment and even I leave the cap unscrewed on the fabric softener or if I don’t bring a fork back from work he goes ballistic at me. If I leave something untidy he completely loses it. I’ve told him he is bullying me and he has told me to stop messing up and we won’t argue. I need to change and be tidier. I work two jobs and I cook three different meals every night on top of bathing kids etc etc. if I do one thing wrong and leave a towel out he jumps on me. It’s not rational is it? He is saying i need to change
Sounds like a twat
ladydimitrescu · 03/03/2022 11:38

@Confused455

I’ve told him it’s over this morning after talks have no resolution. I’m going to get all my stuff sorted and get my own place until the house is sold. I can’t live there another day. He will never see he is toxic. He tried to say I can remember back when I first met you of incidents of you not being tidy. I told him I could remember a few incidents of his around that time too which he didn’t like me saying. Peace talks are over. I’m done
Don't you dare move out!!! You stay in your home with your children! He can bugger off and find somewhere whilst the house sells!
Dearblossom · 03/03/2022 11:49

Rock on @Confused455 - You are going to become so much happier! - Protect your assets and finances and tell him to get the feck out of dodge town fast! Go you! Wine Flowers

pickingdaisies · 03/03/2022 12:28

OP Flowers

MunchyMonsters · 03/03/2022 12:51

Good for you OP !

NowEvenBetter · 03/03/2022 12:52

Good for you, OP! He’s shit, enjoy your freedom!

Pinkbonbon · 03/03/2022 12:54

Tbh op I'm not sure how you could keep him around after reading that 'spiritually connected' drivel. He is, as the Americans would say, a total douche.

Who cares about the other woman? Why do slimey, creepy gits need to physically cheat before you decide to remove them from your life?

As for her living closer...it might be nothing. But if you're getting a feeling in your gut, listen to it. Because those warnings are usually right.

But what its telling you is 'you still, after all this time- can't trust him'. Surely that's a big enough reason on it's own to call it a day?

Pinkbonbon · 03/03/2022 12:57

@Confused455

I’ve told him it’s over this morning after talks have no resolution. I’m going to get all my stuff sorted and get my own place until the house is sold. I can’t live there another day. He will never see he is toxic. He tried to say I can remember back when I first met you of incidents of you not being tidy. I told him I could remember a few incidents of his around that time too which he didn’t like me saying. Peace talks are over. I’m done
Good on you op!

Life is too short!
Him bing a nasty person is worse than being a cheat in my books anyway.

GrimDamnFanjo · 03/03/2022 12:59

It's obvious he's taking his guilt out on you. Wishing you the best.

RantyAunty · 03/03/2022 13:23

Well done on putting an end to this bs. Flowers

ImAvingOops · 03/03/2022 15:11

Lovely, you need legal advice before you do anything. Once you are out of the house it's very difficult to control what happens to it, re selling it etc. and you might not even need to sell it, depending on your financial situations and what your legal advisors can negotiate for you re settlement. Do solicitors appointment is the priority before anything is done.
In the meantime get together all the paperwork on his salary, pensions, assets. And start to separate your own from his - if there are savings in a joint account put half into your own account he cannot access I'd take them all. If you are the main account holder on a credit card that he has a second card for, then cut off his ability to spend on your account. Get your wages paid into your own account. It's important to protect what you can.

CourtRand · 03/03/2022 16:08

Good choice in leaving OP. You've got your head screwed on straight. He's a twat.

Get legal advice.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 03/03/2022 16:29

Good. He sounds like a right knobhead.

And as for him being hateful about nothing, that's what they do when they're having an affair. They find every single little thing to rationalise why they had to have an affair.

Im so glad you're leaving him. Watch him come snivelling after you.

needingpeace · 03/03/2022 16:35

Good for you! Show him he can’t treat you like this. Rise up! Fuck him and his affairs

MsDogLady · 03/03/2022 16:40

He’s cheated twice, there is zero transparency, and he’s being nasty to you. I too would be ending the relationship.

From what you say, his behavior has recently changed: WhatsApping more and setting up unusual coffee and London meetings, then backtracking. He has also created distance by bullying you over trivial matters like leaving a towel out, etc. It sounds like he may be self-justifying something illicit.

You’re on the right path. He is untrustworthy and contemptuous, and your children are in a damaging environment. Visit a solicitor asap to learn your options. Flowers