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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me make sense of his behaviour

118 replies

nomorealexa · 16/02/2022 23:00

Partner of over a year. We don't live together. He did something shitty and let me down. I considered finishing it but thought I'd see how things would play out.
Firstly, he didn't bother to contact me for six hours after the event.we're normally in very regular contact throughout the day so that was unusual.
He then wasn't apologetic.
I told him not to bother contacting me, such was his behaviour.
He apologised profusely via messenger the next day weirdly and said he got why I felt let down. He took responsibility via messenger but no call.
I felt really upset and lashed out verbally via message. Told him to leave me be.
The days went on. He didn't contact me. I mellowed. I suggested we meet so we could say whatever needed to be said. I was still undecided about staying in the relationship as I was so hurt.
I expected he would want that in an effort to express his apology and maybe promise that it would never happen again.
He simply replied the next day( we normally respond to one another straight away and he had read message straight away) that he was confused as I said I originally didn't want contact.
He didn't agree or accept invitation to meet. I really thought he would want to sort this and express some remorse in person He simply said ...I thought you didn't want contact and now you want to meet me..???.'
He is right in what he said but that was days ago. As I said, I've calmed down.
What is he up to here ?

OP posts:
StrongSunglasses · 17/02/2022 12:10

[quote Watchkeys]@StrongSunglasses

Not contacting is leaving it in the hand of the gods and retaining dignity

Only if it's with the intention of rejecting him in the event of him coming back. There's no dignity in playing a silent, hopeful version of the 'pick me!' game.[/quote]
I am not advocating a silent hopeful version of the “pick me” dance. My first sentence literally was:

StrongSunglasses

I think just draw a kind under this whole situation and move on.

The point is, if it’s meant to be then it will happen. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen. Chasing someone who isn’t engaged enough to treat one with respect or who doesn’t want to continue the relationship is not an advisable path.

The no contact will be for the op to move on from this unhealthy situation. If he suddenly realises that op is the live of his life and can’t be without her, then he’ll come back. If he doesn’t then it’s not meant to be.

Fwiw I agree that there have been games and confusion caused by the op’s reactions and expectations, but this just indicates the whole situation is toxic.

Hence the advice of no contact.

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 12:19

The point is, if it’s meant to be then it will happen. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen

No. The point is that OP needs to realise that this guy is hurting her, making a poor show of apologising, and then leaving her hanging, so she needs to reject him. It's not 'in the hands of the gods' as suggested upthread. It's in the hands of OP to make a decision about what's good for her, and the feelings this guy gives her are clearly not good feelings.

StrongSunglasses · 17/02/2022 12:21

It’s not “up to the op” actually, it’s up to both parties. The chap does seem that bothered do why should op chase him or set any expectations for him or how he should behave?

StrongSunglasses · 17/02/2022 12:21

Doesn’t*

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 12:23

Whether OP decides to end an unhealthy relationship is 100% up to her. Whether he reappears or not is irrelevant if she's decided it's over. He doesn't get a say.

StrongSunglasses · 17/02/2022 12:27

I agree that it’s toxic and op should move on btw. Hence the “move on” and “no contact” advice I’ve given throughout.

In the hands of the gods pertains to the fact that if there was a soulmate-esque situation, that they’ll eventually end up together.

Dwelling and focusing on and trying to pursue conversations around these toxic games and events when he doesn’t want to won’t help anyone. Hence no contact and move on.

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 12:31

In the hands of the gods pertains to the fact that if there was a soulmate-esque situation, that they’ll eventually end up together

There is no such thing. If they end up together, it'll because they both made a decision to. The suggestion that the gods might have something to do with it is a suggestion to remove part of OP's agency. She is responsible for whether or not she is in a relationship with somebody. The gods haven't got a say in it.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 12:36

@nomorealexa

So is it fair to think that because he's hurt me originally, only messaged to apologise despite knowing how hurt I was , me communicating so badly and him responding in an obtuse manner, that I should just get rid at this stage? I have no intention of sending anymore messages as he has left me unanswered again since yesterday evening btw.
Nothing he does is right. He's angry and doesn't contact you in that time - he's ignoring you. He apologises - he did it in the wrong way. He leaves you alone when you ask him to - he's not trying hard enough. You ask to meet and he questions whether you still want to be left alone - he's pushing you away.

He's not a mind reader. Neither of you are happy. I didn't see your original post so I can't comment on his behaviour but he can't win with you. Let him go and start afresh. This relationship clearly isn't 'the one'.

bluebell34567 · 17/02/2022 12:39

he seems he doesnt like conflict.
that relationship sailed op.

RantyAunty · 17/02/2022 12:46

Just leave him be.

His actions show that he really doesn't care all that much and you probably care more about him than he does you.

Yes, it's hurtful. Delete and block him as this would end up some toxic off/on thing if continued.

SortingItOut · 17/02/2022 13:24

Previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4480449-i-need-to-finish-this-don-t-i

Hen2018 · 17/02/2022 13:42

Oh, not this prick again!

Get rid of him.

Original poster
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 13:42

Thanks@SortingItOut
Might clear up a few things for pps.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 14:00

To be fair you both had your own cars and you'd already had a shit night so he probably wanted to get home and to bed. I don't think you deserved the massive apology you're expecting and it's made you seem more unreasonable to me.

Original poster
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 14:06

Fair [email protected] all have different expectations in our relationships I guess. Thanks.

OP posts:
Wreath21 · 17/02/2022 15:33

Thing is, it sounds like he's had enough of you. It doesn't really matter who was more right or more wrong - he's decided to move on, which he has every right to do.
The only justification you have for contacting him again would be if you have linked finances to sort out - or if you have valuable belongings at his home, or some of his belongings are at your home.

You seem to think that he needs to earn another chance at being with you, but it looks like he doesn't want one.

wingscrow · 17/02/2022 15:37

He is a waste of space. Why would you want anything more to do with him after he left you behind at the guesthouse? way too much drama and game-playing here. This is not a healthy relationship.

Original poster
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 15:48

Agree with you @Wreath21. He's had enough of me and that's fine.I want
More than a man who would leave me again like that and apologise after a day through message and then have intermittent texting whenever he felt like it.
I hold my hands up and know I've a lot of work to do on my communication skills and assertiveness.
Also agree @wingscrow. I would like more from a relationship and it's too full of drama with conflicting compatibilities.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 17/02/2022 15:53

Easy. He doesn't give a shit.

That's why he stormed off and that's why it ended that way.

Leave it OP.

Original poster
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 15:54

I think you're right @whatisheupto and so does the majority of both threads.Thanks.

OP posts:
IsItTooHotInHere · 17/02/2022 15:59

stop playing stupid mind games with the bloke. You don't want him to contact you, then you do. I hope he tells you he's no longer interested.

Original poster
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 16:03

He has already done that by not replying to my last message yesterday so it's pretty clear @IsItTooHotInHere

OP posts:
haismfh · 17/02/2022 16:07

Going to check out the other thread now but from what you've written here it sounds like you don't know what you want.
He apologized.
You weren't happy and got annoyed with him and told him to not contact you again.
He didn't contact you again
You then wanted to meet up so he can apologize again.

Do you want contact with him or not?? And how can you be bothered with all this drama. It's obviously not working if the communication between you is this poor.

Hufflespuff · 17/02/2022 16:12

From your previous thread I agree that he acted like an arse. He threw his toys out of the pram and acted like you were the one at fault. Yanbu to expect an apology for that.

He gave you an apology, just not in the way you wanted. You told him to leave you alone and got pissed off when he did. To me it all just sounds like a lot of hard work for the relatively early stages of a relationship.

The way I see it you have two choices - move on from the guesthouse incident and accept you may not get the heartfelt face to face apology that you desire. Or bin him because you are incompatible. At this stage I certainly wouldn't advise any more back and forth text exchanges or game playing as it all seems a bit silly.

whistleryukon · 17/02/2022 16:31

I've read your other thread now and I still think that you sound a bit dramatic. I'm not saying he sounds great either, but if I had had a drink and was locked out of my accommodation overnight and had to sleep in my car I would want to go home too. You weren't left stranded by him, you had both driven there in your own cars. And he contacted you after he had had a sleep? I would get you huffing and puffing a bit to him about how he could have been less brusque but you seem to want to turn the whole thing into a big drama and for him to be on bended knee sobbing his apologies.