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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me make sense of his behaviour

118 replies

nomorealexa · 16/02/2022 23:00

Partner of over a year. We don't live together. He did something shitty and let me down. I considered finishing it but thought I'd see how things would play out.
Firstly, he didn't bother to contact me for six hours after the event.we're normally in very regular contact throughout the day so that was unusual.
He then wasn't apologetic.
I told him not to bother contacting me, such was his behaviour.
He apologised profusely via messenger the next day weirdly and said he got why I felt let down. He took responsibility via messenger but no call.
I felt really upset and lashed out verbally via message. Told him to leave me be.
The days went on. He didn't contact me. I mellowed. I suggested we meet so we could say whatever needed to be said. I was still undecided about staying in the relationship as I was so hurt.
I expected he would want that in an effort to express his apology and maybe promise that it would never happen again.
He simply replied the next day( we normally respond to one another straight away and he had read message straight away) that he was confused as I said I originally didn't want contact.
He didn't agree or accept invitation to meet. I really thought he would want to sort this and express some remorse in person He simply said ...I thought you didn't want contact and now you want to meet me..???.'
He is right in what he said but that was days ago. As I said, I've calmed down.
What is he up to here ?

OP posts:
FumingFredericka · 17/02/2022 10:28

"Not contacting is leaving it in the hand of the gods and retaining dignity"

Only if it's with the intention of rejecting him in the event of him coming back. There's no dignity in playing a silent, hopeful version of the 'pick me!' game

It's not necessarily about intending to reject him should he return or playing the "pick me" dance though. It is about trying to ascertain her bf's level of sincerity about their relationship. Whether he puts in enough effort. Whether she feels he cares enough. His original apology, written by text, a day late, didn't really satisfy her. So by waiting she gets to check this again. Obviously if he doesn't come back she has her answer. If he does, she gets to decide whether to continue with him or not. This has all come about because he behaved badly in the first place.

TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 10:28

You went away and did not like how you saw him behave. You made the decision to end the relationship. Now youre only acting like this because you are afraid to be alone.

Move on.

FumingFredericka · 17/02/2022 10:30

Andyouwere the one complaining about thread police!

Yes Dropyoursword can you not recognise gentle sarcasm?

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 10:52

@FumingFredericka

How many goes do you think he should get to 'prove himself'? He's hurt her in the first place, let her down in his apology, and now she's left waiting. Should she wait until 2025 or 2030, d'you think?

FumingFredericka · 17/02/2022 10:56

[quote Watchkeys]@FumingFredericka

How many goes do you think he should get to 'prove himself'? He's hurt her in the first place, let her down in his apology, and now she's left waiting. Should she wait until 2025 or 2030, d'you think?[/quote]
I think that's up to the op to decide.

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 11:01

@FumingFredericka

She's asking for advice on it. 'Decide for yourself, OP' isn't very kind advice. Doesn't it rather obviate the point of having a forum in the first place?

nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:08

So is it fair to think that because he's hurt me originally, only messaged to apologise despite knowing how hurt I was , me communicating so badly and him responding in an obtuse manner, that I should just get rid at this stage?
I have no intention of sending anymore messages as he has left me unanswered again since yesterday evening btw.

OP posts:
LeifSan · 17/02/2022 11:13

I think it’s already ended though. He’s clearly doesn’t want to apologise further or make any other moves to make amends. You’ve tried to force that from him in a way that has lost you a bit of the moral high ground. He’s not going to come back now and say sorry so your only choice is to leave it or swallow it and try and make amends to him. That doesn’t sound like a good idea!

formalineadeline · 17/02/2022 11:13

You don't treat people well, op.

That's how you showed yourself in the previous thread and what is confirmed by this further insight into what you consider acceptable behaviour towards those you claim to care about.

Firstly, he didn't bother to contact me for six hours after the event.

Was that not the time period where both of you were asleep having been awake all night? Six hours during which you were asleep for 3-4 then having breakfast and travelling home for an hour.

Seems reasonable to wait until you had both rested and returned home actually.

I felt really upset and lashed out verbally via message

That's a shit way to behave, let alone in response to an apology.

Do you think it's ok for you to treat him like that because you're a woman? That's the vibe you give you consistently on your threads.

I expected he would want that in an effort to express his apology and maybe promise that it would never happen again.

That's so manipulative of you.

Why do you expect that men should treat you like some sort of princess to prostrate themselves before? I wondered the same on your previous thread about the non-event.

Were you going to apologise to him at any point for lashing out and being manipulative? Were you going to show remorse and promise not to do it again?

He simply said ...I thought you didn't want contact and now you want to meet me..???.'

Well yes. You told him to leave you alone and now you expect him to want to meet you to beg for forgiveness? Hmm

What is he up to here ?

Reacting like any normal human being would react to such unpleasant and manipulative behaviour.

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 11:13

Who decides what's 'fair', @nomorealexa? Which rules do you think we're all referring to to give you an answer to that?

There is no external locus of evaluation here. You get to decide what you think is fair, according to what you feel.

You can leave a person because you don't like the way they eat toast. There are literally no rules. The way you leave is what matters.

FumingFredericka · 17/02/2022 11:15

[quote Watchkeys]@FumingFredericka

She's asking for advice on it. 'Decide for yourself, OP' isn't very kind advice. Doesn't it rather obviate the point of having a forum in the first place?[/quote]
Well for a start op is capable herself of telling me whether she finds my responses unkind or not.

My advice has been fairly clear I think. And I hope it's helpful. But that's for op to decide.

If you read down the thread you will see that I have already advised op, having reached out once and been rejected, to cease further contact now and not pursue him. If he doesn't come back to her, then she has her answer, that he doesn't care enough. If he does come back, then she can decide for herself.

Personally, based on what is written here, I would not be pursuing this relationship, but I don't know either of the individuals involved, or their back story. Only the op can assess her bf's level of sincerity.

formalineadeline · 17/02/2022 11:17

@nomorealexa

So is it fair to think that because he's hurt me originally, only messaged to apologise despite knowing how hurt I was , me communicating so badly and him responding in an obtuse manner, that I should just get rid at this stage? I have no intention of sending anymore messages as he has left me unanswered again since yesterday evening btw.
You're actually calling him obtuse because he didn't read your mind?! Hilarious. Grin
Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 11:21

On the first issue, the guest house, he was wrong. On this one it’s you. Don’t play these ridiculous games telling him to leave you alone on the hope he comes crawling to you. If you do insist on doing it accept you run the very real risk he will do exactly as you asked, as you’ve just seen. Instead deal with it maturely and via communication. You’re both behaving like immature children.

nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:21

I remember your responses @formalineadeline on my other post. You were called out on a number of occasions for the content of your responses.
To you it was a non event. To me and approx 150+ others , he behaved in a shitty way and it was understandably hurtful.
Why are you making this a gender issue? It makes no sense.
I communicated badly. I was impulsive and abrupt and hurt. My bad and it's something I needs to learn from.

Still doesn't take from the fact that he wasn't caring or kind either.

OP posts:
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:23

I'm calling his behaviour obtuse because he knows me and I know him and we both know damn well that he isn't one bit confused.

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 11:30

Op you’re just panicking he’s sacking you off and taking you at your word.

nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:34

I don't know if I even want to continue this @Chestofdraws .. it's all a mess but there may be some truth to what you said.

OP posts:
qpmz · 17/02/2022 11:45

If you have expectations you have to communicate them. If you feel disappointed he apologised via message you should have told him instead of getting into a huff. Your feelings are valid but the way you communicate is wrong. Don't give mixed messages.

nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:47

I know you're right @qpmz.
Definitely poor communication there and very impulsive in my part.
He hates being pulled up on stuff and actively avoids conflict at every opportunity so this will suit him.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 11:48

@nomorealexa

I hated that it ended like that and was disappointed that the apology was through messages.
You don't need an apology. You need exactly what you asked him for - to leave you alone.
nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 11:50

Based on what he did?@ChargingBuck

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 17/02/2022 11:53

If the relationship is as hard to understand as your posts then I’m not surprised that he’s got no idea what’s going on.

Probably best to call it a day.

whistleryukon · 17/02/2022 11:58

Without knowing the back story, you come across worse in this scenario.

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 12:00

@nomorealexa

Based on what he did?**@ChargingBuck**
Yeah. Also based on the fact that the relationship with this guy you've only been dating for a year seems built on power-plays & drama.

I don't think you are compatible, & I think you also need to work on your communication style & assertiveness before considering your next relationship.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

nomorealexa · 17/02/2022 12:06

Thanks@ChargingBuck. Good advice.
I wish I knew how to link a post

OP posts:
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