Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone Meghan Markle’d their husband?

97 replies

manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 13:33

I’m wondering if anyone has managed to extract their husband from a difficult/toxic family situation in the way it seems that Meghan Markle has for Harry? Or just put some healthy distance between the extended family and the new, nuclear family unit the two of you have created?

A couple of things have happened recently in my husband’s family that have made me feel it might be time to put some distance between us all, as I’m not sure some of them are people I want to have much influence over our children. My husband is sort of in agreement but I think feels in a difficult situation as blood is blood etc.

Short of an Oprah interview, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 14:50

anyone? Smile

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 14/02/2022 14:52

Move a long way away.

Original poster
manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 14:55

@KaptainKaveman we’re already geographically quite far (3 hours driving) - it’s emotional distance we need. I basically want him to stop being friends with his brother, who has recently shown his true colours. My MIL has also shown hers as she has stuck by her son in a very surprising and completely disappointing way. The family has completely marked their cards for me.

OP posts:
veevee04 · 14/02/2022 14:55

Move away but don't stop contact between him and his family he will eventually resent you possibly blame you for it.

MrsTophamHat · 14/02/2022 14:56

It's really up to your husband what contact he has with his own family. You don't have to see them. You also need to come to an agreement between you both of how much contact your children have.

Without knowing the circumstances we can't tell if you're being unreasonable. If it's just because you don't enjoy spending time with them then it would be controlling to manipulate him. If they are awful, dangerous people then he should be making the decision himself.

Triffid1 · 14/02/2022 14:59

I'm not wild about the reference to MM, but I do know what you mean.

Not toxic as such, but over time some of the behaviours of DH's family have been moderated by DH being able to see it from my perspective (aka a normal perspective) and to impose certain boundaries as a result (unfortunate side effect is that SIL has had to take on more from them as DH doesn't dp it any more and she can't even see the need for boundaries. But that's a separate conversation).

But I was not the one who intrinsically put those boundaries in place.

One thing I have done, consistently from the start, is refused to accommodate them if I was not also being accommodated. It's hard to explain but for example, they had a tendency to just turn up whenever they feel like, stay for weeks, invite people to MY home etc. I realised that wasn't going to stop so I stopped accommodating them. SIL invited to my house at supper time without me knowing, "Sorry SIL, I don't have enough food for you as I didn't know you were coming". MIL turning up without letting me know she wanted to stay? "No worries, but I've made all these plans for days/evenings/weekends out and I can't and won't change them."

Triffid1 · 14/02/2022 15:00

Also, to say that on the refusal to accommodate, that was one DH also had to get behind. At first, he'd expect me to block out 8 weeks at a time because his mother was in town. But as I was never consulted on when she was coming, and whether it was convenient, I told him that I wasn't going to simply abandon my life. And to be fair to him, he accepted that.

Original poster
manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 15:00

What his brother has done is not illegal but is immoral, and has shown him to be a very bad person iyswim. If a friend or a friend’s husband acted the same way I would cut contact. I just feel that if my husband wants to continue a social relationship with his brother, at least at the moment, it shows that he is condoning his behaviour and is also a bad person. Feel the same about MIL. I just wouldn’t otherwise choose to have people who have behaved like this in my family’s life.

It’s a frustrating situation, I feel very sorry for my husband and the impact on his previously very normal, nice family who we’ve always loved.

OP posts:
Figrollface · 14/02/2022 15:05

Ah but MM was willing to stay part of her husband's family if certain demands were met. She only cut ties because, titles, money and new roles weren't agreed to.

I think what you're talking about is very different and if there's anything to be learned from M&H it's that the spouse with the family issues should be the one to set boundaries and navigate their way through the relationship.

AnotherSillawithanS · 14/02/2022 15:08

Your husband is not condoning his brothers behaviour by having a relationship with him. That's a ridiculous statement and you sound quite controlling.

RonCarlos · 14/02/2022 15:12

I just feel that if my husband wants to continue a social relationship with his brother, at least at the moment, it shows that he is condoning his behaviour and is also a bad person

Wait, what?

Louisianagumbo · 14/02/2022 15:13

If your child did something immoral, would you cut them out of your life and expect your other children to have nothing more to do with their sibling? I think that would be a big ask.
It's OK for you to want nothing more to do with them because they're not your family, but to pressurise your husband to conform to your way of thinking is quite controlling. He needs to decide for himself or ultimately it will be you he will end up resenting.

MrsTophamHat · 14/02/2022 15:14

@manningtreeladies

What his brother has done is not illegal but is immoral, and has shown him to be a very bad person iyswim. If a friend or a friend’s husband acted the same way I would cut contact. I just feel that if my husband wants to continue a social relationship with his brother, at least at the moment, it shows that he is condoning his behaviour and is also a bad person. Feel the same about MIL. I just wouldn’t otherwise choose to have people who have behaved like this in my family’s life.

It’s a frustrating situation, I feel very sorry for my husband and the impact on his previously very normal, nice family who we’ve always loved.

Cutting contact is very drastic and again, not a decision you can or should make for your husband.

You say they've not committed a crime, so perhaps it's an affair or something like that. I think it is possible to show strong disapproval without permanently cutting contact with someone who might be an otherwise loved family member. I can't imagine erasing my son or my sister from my life even if I were furious with them.

RonCarlos · 14/02/2022 15:16

MIL can't win here; she's not going to cut ties with her son who has done something immoral not illegal, is she? You're therefore setting her up for failure.

The other 'nice, normal' family members will also suffer by you randomly cutting out BIL and MIL, by the way.

Bananarama21 · 14/02/2022 15:16

There's alot of background with MM, for a start shes had fractured relationships with her own family and an ex husband, she was pissed certain demands were agreed to and had allegations of bullying to staff members of the Royal household. She's not really someone you want to reference really.

wordler · 14/02/2022 15:17

I opened this thinking it was going to be about all the 'improvements' Harry has made to his appearance since being in the USA.

EssexLioness · 14/02/2022 15:18

No but I grew up in a very toxic home, completely dysfunctional with an abusive mum. My DH would see their behaviour and how much it affected me. He waited until I was ready to sever contact. He never offered anything but support for me and was courteous when we did see my parents.
Had he been pushing me to cut contact I think that would’ve been pretty controlling of him and would’ve hurt me more in the process. He was always there for me to talk honestly too, offer advice etc but certainly never swayed me and I really respect him for that.

RonCarlos · 14/02/2022 15:18

I did too @wordler!

Bananarama21 · 14/02/2022 15:18

You sound a very poisonous person and I have a sil equally as vindictive as you who would punish anyone who didn't agree with her.

Original poster
manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 15:18

@Louisianagumbo

If your child did something immoral, would you cut them out of your life and expect your other children to have nothing more to do with their sibling? I think that would be a big ask. It's OK for you to want nothing more to do with them because they're not your family, but to pressurise your husband to conform to your way of thinking is quite controlling. He needs to decide for himself or ultimately it will be you he will end up resenting.
If my son one day behaved like DH’s brother, I wouldn’t support him in the way MIL has. I also wouldn’t expect my daughters to continue their relationship with their brother if they were uncomfortable with his behaviour.

Maybe I have a skewed view on this. My paternal Grandparents didn’t speak to my Dad for 5 years due to his affair and divorce. I personally think being blood related to someone doesn’t mean you have to stand by them through thick and thin.

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 14/02/2022 15:19

It's not really going to help your kids causing so much conflict in the heart of your husband.

I would not ask the question of total strangers. To do this makes it an academic problem, and puts you at some distance from your own conscience and instincts.
You could jump at the chance to model to your family how to be kind but firm: stating disapproval to relatives when you have to, but kindly tolerating and nurturing all the time.

He who is perfect, throw the first stone.

In fairness, MM had the advantage of having practised on her own family first, so you probably wouldn't manage your Houdini act with as much proficiency as she achieved.

Bananarama21 · 14/02/2022 15:20

Guessing it was an affair its none of your business and you have no right to cause problems within the family.

Original poster
manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 15:20

I’m also not asking him to cut contact completely, but rather I can’t see how he could want to continue his social, friendly relationship with him at the moment. Going for visits and hanging out/playing video games together online etc. I couldn’t be friends with someone when they’d behaved so badly, I don’t really understand how he can.

OP posts:
Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 14/02/2022 15:20

Cutting contact is massive and incredibly painful, it has to be something the person needs to do for themselves. It isn't the business of anyone else.

I say this as someone who has done it.

RonCarlos · 14/02/2022 15:22

Me too @bananarama21

OP, yes, your opinion is skewed. That's not a normal way for a family to react to an affair in the 21st century. I feel sorry for you that you have such a strange relationship with the concept of family.