Has anyone Meghan Markle’d their husband?

[manningtreeladies]

I’m wondering if anyone has managed to extract their husband from a difficult/toxic family situation in the way it seems that Meghan Markle has for Harry? Or just put some healthy distance between the extended family and the new, nuclear family unit the two of you have created?

A couple of things have happened recently in my husband’s family that have made me feel it might be time to put some distance between us all, as I’m not sure some of them are people I want to have much influence over our children. My husband is sort of in agreement but I think feels in a difficult situation as blood is blood etc.

Short of an Oprah interview, does anyone have any advice?

[quote manningtreeladies]@KaptainKaveman we’re already geographically quite far (3 hours driving) - it’s emotional distance we need. I basically want him to stop being friends with his brother, who has recently shown his true colours. My MIL has also shown hers as she has stuck by her son in a very surprising and completely disappointing way. The family has completely marked their cards for me.[/quote]
Can you emotionally manipulate your husband to shun his own family and only be friends with people you approve of, you mean?

No, no you cannot.

Every day I add to my silent prayer. Today's is 'please don't let my son marry someone this controlling'. Amen

OP you're focused on your DC specifically and you need to remember they're not just your DC they're your DH DC too and he has equal rights to say how they're brought up. Some things are right/wrong like eg if BIL was a peado you'd be right to put your foot down about DC spending time with him and to worry about your DH himself if he's happy to associate with his brother. But this isn't that type of black/white situation. It's a situation where it's about a matter of opinion. You can't decide that your opinion is more important than DH opinion. You can decide that you believe you're incompatible for not sharing the same opinion. But if your DH is so far proven to be a good man, I think it's a daft thing to get divorced over. He's a separate person not a clone of you, there's going to be diffences of opinion from time to time.

Yes OP I do have strong boundaries. I've been surrounded by less than ideal people for most of my life, so I've had to find a way to navigate friendships/relationships within that dynamic, whilst protecting myself from coming into contact with anyone who might cause me harm.

The problem with your statement (not just your MM analogue) is that separating a person from their family and friends is a classic abuser move.

And there is of course the context to take in to consideration

@givemeallthecheese

Every day I add to my silent prayer. Today's is 'please don't let my son marry someone this controlling'. Amen

Amen to this.

My much adored DSis has done some morally questionable things. I like to think my unconditional love and support has helped her find her way back to a path that is better for her and her family.

Woe betide anyone who tried to interfere in our relationship.

[quote manningtreeladies]@WildPoinsettia thank you for your post - you sound like you have an amazing grasp of your own boundaries. I find that so impressive, I’m going to re-read your post as I found it so helpful.

What I’m struggling with is that I thought DH was someone who had no relationship with toxic family members - he cut off his abusive bio father when he was 15, and always has spoken very morally absolutely about things like this. That’s why this has been such a shock.[/quote]
What a gushing load of bollox over the only person who agrees with you.

It’s making me worry my husband is a bad man as well and that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m concerned about his impact on our kids. I don’t want to raise them with those or around those (non-existent) morals to be honest

Sorry, OP, but you sound immature. People are a complex set of behaviours. Other than extreme examples, like serial killers, you can't just categorise them as good or bad. It's ridiculous and childish to think of your husband as a "bad man" (are you 6?) because he still loves his DB, even though his DB has fucked up.

Your DC are not going to be morally contaminated by someone who hasn't paid CS, although, when they are old enough, you can certainly talk to them about why this was wrong.

It's not your decision to make and you'll be the one that loses out if you decide who your DH spends time with.

It’s making me worry my husband is a bad man as well and that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m concerned about his impact on our kids.

This is nuts OP.

Massive overreaction. I feel sorry for your DH.

The only people who have must be unpleasant, conniving manipulators with very weak partners.

[quote manningtreeladies]@KaptainKaveman we’re already geographically quite far (3 hours driving) - it’s emotional distance we need. I basically want him to stop being friends with his brother, who has recently shown his true colours. My MIL has also shown hers as she has stuck by her son in a very surprising and completely disappointing way. The family has completely marked their cards for me.[/quote]
So you have decided his family are toxic and you want to alienate him from his family.

How about you let him make the decision about his family instead of trying to railroad him or it won’t end well for you.

My DM likes peoples full attention and there is always an enemy and someone bad in every situation she is in. She extracted my dad from his family many years ago. She would be negative to him when he visited his DP. She felt they disliked her so, very early on, decided she would not visit but he was free to. He was an only child so no siblings or cousins to worry about. She would tell him they were asking too much of him and point out their flaws constantly. She tried it with myself and my siblings but I have no negative memories of my grandparents. They weren't very involved, but, as an adult, I can see they weren't welcome. However anything they were invited to they turned up at (which is more than she does now for her grandchildren). The more they gave up and pulled away the more she would use it as a "they dont care". If DF said he was going to see them she would immediately ask when he would be back. She would then hold him to that time. Or work out for him "so it will take you 30 minutes to get there, a cup of tea and a chat then 30 minutes back, so you will be back by 8pm? The evening will be gone then. And when will we eat". Repeated over and over. So she was not saying he couldnt, she was helping him time manage. But then would also be icy to him before and after the trip.

You are being unreasonable because you think that your opinion and solution to the issue is how your h should think and act in this issue. If you were a man you'd be called abusive.

If your h wants to maintain his relationship with them then you need to accept that. You can cut BIL off but you need to treat you h like the grown up he is and respect that decision. If it's a dealbreaker then you know what to do.

FWIW I don't think MM manipulated Harry into cutting off his family. I think he was unhappy already and knew that his time would be limited because his dad has spoken of shrinking the RF for years. MM provided somebody to leave with thanks to the fact that she's American so he could live there as her spouse.

Wow OP!! Quite frankly it's absolutely none of your business and you are coming across as a control freak!

What turn them into a puppet for the American media ?

MM kind of Markled her own family too though didn't she? And it doesn't seem like PH seems very happy. Far from it he looks fucking miserable and angry all the time. So not a great example.

It's up to your DH to cut his family out if he wants to. If you do it for him he will only resent you in the end.

MM is not the person I’d look to for relationship advice.

If my DD or my DSs were influenced and controlled by their partners to the extent they cut ties with DH, their siblings and me I’d be absolutely heartbroken and so worried for them.

These things are pretty subjective, though. My SIL possibly thinks she rescued her husband (DH’s brother) from his family, but from my POV, she enabled his myth of himself as the clan maverick, clever, misunderstood by the sheeple, above the law, yadda yadda, whereas in fact he’s a workshy smartarse who did time for armed robbery and is now combining careers in benefit fraud and compo claims.

Depends how you look at this.

Maybe your husband is being supportive and wants to offer his listening skills to his brother -who may not be totally comfortable with what happened himself..
You sound extremely judgemental, and I think as adults, it is better to sit back and be supportive- you don't have to approve if you don't want to, but to expect everyone else to abandon the man ??
Until you've walked his shoes don't judge.
Life has a way of throwing curve balls when you least expect it and we all make mistakes.

If I was you I'd be there quietly and let your husbands family deal with it.

Also the child wasn't 'abandoned' if it still had its mother and extended family. Just saying.

You could let your husband make his own decisions, as he’s your equal and a competent adult.

I don’t know Megan Markle so couldn’t comment on her.

Why on earth would you want a fucked up ‘actress’ like Meghan Markle to be your role model in this??
Don’t you recognise the damage and upset she has caused.
Grow up.