Page 3 | Has anyone Meghan Markle’d their husband?

MrsTophamHat · 14/02/2022 15:43

I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t care if their siblings did this!

It's not that I wouldn't care; I would be shocked and appalled and I might not want to spend much time with them for a while, but what you are suggesting sounds a lot more permanent. You also say that your husband is not reacting in a way that you find acceptable, so you are looking for strategies to manipulating him into your way of thinking.

Considering the situation, maybe your BIL decides that he will try to make amends, and in time wants to build a relationship and introduce the child to the family. Is that more or less likely to happen with the support of the family, or without?

PlanetNormal · 14/02/2022 15:44

Tread carefully here, OP. You obviously know the family dynamic in this case better than we do, but in my experience, in many families blood really is thicker than water.

FebruaryFest · 14/02/2022 15:45

I'd care terribly tbh. And I'd be encouraging contact.

ZoeCM · 14/02/2022 15:45

OP, you really need to back off.

BlingLoving · 14/02/2022 15:45

Oh blimey, I thought you were talking about toxic behaviour towards you/your DH. I think you're being way OTT. Of course it's perfectly fine to think his behaviour is not okay and I'd agree that pressuring him to do the right thing now is probably part of what family is about.

But to get your DH to cut him off for this is ridiculous.

We have limited contact with BIL because quite honestly, it's not a particularly nice person. But that doesn't mean we refuse to have anything to do with him ever.

wordler · 14/02/2022 15:47

I feel for your kids if you always equate a poor or bad action with someone's entire character.

Telling someone THEY are bad because they have done a bad thing - especially if it's out of character leads to a lot of shame, guilt and poor mental health.

The question to ask yourself is how useful is it to label people with global, all-encompassing labels?

I'm not suggesting that you ignore the bad behavior or that you pretend it doesn’t exist. The bad behavior still has consequences but we don’t need to entirely define a person by a single behavior or a collection of similar behaviors in order to facilitate behavior change.

Original poster

manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 15:48

@BlingLoving

Oh blimey, I thought you were talking about toxic behaviour towards you/your DH. I think you're being way OTT. Of course it's perfectly fine to think his behaviour is not okay and I'd agree that pressuring him to do the right thing now is probably part of what family is about.

But to get your DH to cut him off for this is ridiculous.

We have limited contact with BIL because quite honestly, it's not a particularly nice person. But that doesn't mean we refuse to have anything to do with him ever.

Limited contact is literally all I am suggesting. Never said I expect him to fully cut contact. I wouldn’t.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 14/02/2022 15:49

It’s making me worry my husband is a bad man as well and that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m concerned about his impact on our kids. I don’t want to raise them with those or around those (non-existent) morals to be honest
Do you have any other reason to think your dh has a wonky moral compass? Do you think he approves of his brother's behaviour, or thinks it is in some way excusable?

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 14/02/2022 15:51

“I need him to stop being friends with his brother”

I’d be very careful that one day DH doesn’t resent you for driving him away form his family.

It sounds like you’ve already got the MM attitude down to a T. Not sure that’s something to be so proud of.

MrsTophamHat · 14/02/2022 15:53

Limited contact is literally all I am suggesting.

And what do you think this looks like? Because you do realise that even the limited contact would be awkward and frosty until it dwindled to nothing? That family gatherings would reduce because people won't want to host one without the other.

Of course you know that, because that's your plan. Hey, it'll be so uncomfortable for your DH that he won't see any of them, and he'll only have you. That'll be nice, won't it.

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 14/02/2022 15:55

Oh Christ alive I’ve just read the rest of the thread and seen it’s over something that is absolutely not your business, nor your husbands and has has no effect on your or his family. Let sleeping dogs lie. Your husband will definitely resent you if you drive him away for a reason that isn’t remotely relative to you both.

The biggest mistake made here was his business making its way around the chatty-train to you.

DiddyHeck · 14/02/2022 15:59

A couple of things have happened recently in my husband’s family that have made me feel it might be time to put some distance between us all, as I’m not sure some of them are people I want to have much influence over our children. My husband is sort of in agreement but I think feels in a difficult situation as blood is blood etc.

Short of an Oprah interview, does anyone have any advice?

Yes, stop interfering.

EssexLioness · 14/02/2022 16:04

Wow, I also thought this was about toxic behaviour towards you/ DH. Now I’ve read your update I think you’re completely unreasonable here. If my DB did this I would be disgusted and let my feelings be known. But he would still be my brother and I wouldn’t dream of cutting/ reducing contact. I think you are being very controlling here and cutting family off for 5 years because they had an affair is bonkers (and I am very strongly anti-affairs so again this isn’t a case of approving of the person’s behaviour). I

WildPoinsettia · 14/02/2022 16:07

@manningtreeladies

I’m also not asking him to cut contact completely, but rather I can’t see how he could want to continue his social, friendly relationship with him at the moment. Going for visits and hanging out/playing video games together online etc. I couldn’t be friends with someone when they’d behaved so badly, I don’t really understand how he can.

I understand OP. I have a similar mindset. I don't want to hear news about someone's friend or family member of I believe that person to be illegal or immoral, I don't want them in my life in any way not even to hear about them. So I understand the difficulty you find yourself in. There's not really a solution because your DH has the right to make his own decisions and shouldn't be pressured on them. If it's too much for you all you can do is divorce, though that doesn't solve the problems of your DC spending time with these people when your DH has them.

I solved the problem for myself by getting together with someone who has almost no relationship with the toxic members of his family, so the job was already done. I live a very independent life, not socialising with any friends of his who I don't like (though I'm polite when we meet and they'd never know). In the past I've had situations where I've had to agree to disagree with friends on something that their friend has done and we've had to agree they won't talk to me about that person. If they couldn't do this, I wouldn't be able to have a friendship with them. But then I'm very much of the opinion that I'd rather be alone than surrounded by the wrong people. For those who feel a greater need for friendship/romance I imagine they'll be more willing to tolerate awful people who are related to or friends with their partner/friend.

This isn't so much about your DH/BIL/MIL but about you and how you're going to choose to live your life.

EmmaH2022 · 14/02/2022 16:09

@EssexLioness

Wow, I also thought this was about toxic behaviour towards you/ DH. Now I’ve read your update I think you’re completely unreasonable here. If my DB did this I would be disgusted and let my feelings be known. But he would still be my brother and I wouldn’t dream of cutting/ reducing contact. I think you are being very controlling here and cutting family off for 5 years because they had an affair is bonkers (and I am very strongly anti-affairs so again this isn’t a case of approving of the person’s behaviour). I

This.

ravenmum · 14/02/2022 16:09

The brother has not had an affair. He's abandoned a child.

Justcallmebebes · 14/02/2022 16:10

I'd back right off if I were you. No good will come of you trying to manipulate his relationship with his family.

In my experience, blood is usually always thicker than water so be careful what you wish for OP or you could find that you are the one cut off

Original poster

manningtreeladies · 14/02/2022 16:16

@WildPoinsettia thank you for your post - you sound like you have an amazing grasp of your own boundaries. I find that so impressive, I’m going to re-read your post as I found it so helpful.

What I’m struggling with is that I thought DH was someone who had no relationship with toxic family members - he cut off his abusive bio father when he was 15, and always has spoken very morally absolutely about things like this. That’s why this has been such a shock.

OP posts:

Justkeeppedaling · 14/02/2022 16:17

Write a book about your DH's family, and get it published?

Chilledchablis1 · 14/02/2022 16:17

I think you need to back off and let your DH set his own boundaries with his DB .
My own DB did something similar many years ago but it never entered my head to cut him out of my life . I gave him my views but didn’t ( and still don’t) feel it was any of my business .

Chilledchablis1 · 14/02/2022 16:18

Also not sure about the MM analogy ??

wordler · 14/02/2022 16:22

[quote manningtreeladies]@WildPoinsettia thank you for your post - you sound like you have an amazing grasp of your own boundaries. I find that so impressive, I’m going to re-read your post as I found it so helpful.

What I’m struggling with is that I thought DH was someone who had no relationship with toxic family members - he cut off his abusive bio father when he was 15, and always has spoken very morally absolutely about things like this. That’s why this has been such a shock.[/quote]
Well, maybe he doesn't think what his brother has done makes him a toxic person. Perhaps he believes that his brother could be supported to make a change and take a different path with his new nephew/niece.

EssexLioness · 14/02/2022 16:24

I think cutting off his abusive dad is completely different. As I said upthread I cut off my own mum and much of that was self preservation. She destroyed my mental health,confidence etc so I wasn’t functioning properly due to the damage she did. By cutting her off, I was able to breath, to live my life. It’s not quite the same thing as cutting off someone who you are close to and love but behaved like an absolute dick to someone else. They’re two entirely different scenarios.

Greentrees2021 · 14/02/2022 16:32

Assuming your DH and BIL had the same father then it could go some way to explain why your BIL bailed on Fatherhood (not having a good example to follow). How about some compassion and understanding rather than cutting someone off.

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 14/02/2022 16:39

@EssexLioness

I think cutting off his abusive dad is completely different. As I said upthread I cut off my own mum and much of that was self preservation. She destroyed my mental health,confidence etc so I wasn’t functioning properly due to the damage she did. By cutting her off, I was able to breath, to live my life. It’s not quite the same thing as cutting off someone who you are close to and love but behaved like an absolute dick to someone else. They’re two entirely different scenarios.

100% agree with this.