Can a relationship work if you're ENTIRELY seperate?

[Kimexela]

Can a relationship work if two people are entirely separate, as in separate finances, separate houses, no blending of families, no moving in together on the cards?
I've met someone and I really like him, he's just recently bought a place and I like my own space with my daughter and I don't want a man to ever move in with me.
Can a relationship ever progress if two parties are to stay entirely separate? my big thing is that I don't want to share finances or actually live with anyone. I'm content with them coming over a couple of times week and spending the odd weekend together when kids are at alternate parents.
Is this a relationship model that can never progress or does it work for others?

Sounds utterly bliss!!

Another happy LAT-er of 3 yrs here. Took me a while to distinguish what I really wanted from what society expects, and I did struggle with the lack of normal milestones.

But our lives are enmeshed. We support each other emotionally, we work on house projects together, we have couple holidays and some family time. But we also get our own space for the majority of the week. I wouldn't swap it.

I think l hanker after more.

DP and I lived together for a while but split for a couple of months due to life stresses. We’re back together but decided to live apart for the foreseeable future, I’m really happy with this set up it suits us much better. This may change in the future when the kids are grown up and gone but for now I love this set up.

I’m in a LAT scenario.

Which I’ve posted about many times on the step parent thread.

Selfishly, having brought my kids up single-handedly in less-than-straightforward circumstances (both my dc are ok but have had struggles), I just don’t want to blend.

My DP’s relationship with his dd has not been great. It has fostered a climate of avoidance and manipulation and infantile behaviour between them.

I’m better off out of that. I need peace. I don’t want a potentially permanently-dependent stepdaughter who may continue to manipulate, living in my home. For us that has created ongoing struggles. DP being a bit inept and helpless.

I am probably not the right woman for my DP, who really wants to merge finances and live together. I can see lots of benefits but the risk around his dd I wont do it.

It’s complicated and I don’t know where it’ll go….

I’m actually happy now with my LAT setup. Peaceful home for me and my dd. Been 6 years now.

DP doesn’t like spending time alone in his home. Which creates another layer of inequity as he is often at mine to avoid loneliness. But then complains he feels homeless. The more I type the more I wonder whether we will make it long term. Shame as our relationship minis the complications of parenting, is great. But life has complications…

@LatentPhase I’ve followed your story via our respective threads on the step parenting board.

FWIW, I think your approach is spot on. You’re pragmatic and your eyes are wide open to the very real day to day challenges that ‘blending’ brings with it. Only you can continue to hold your boundaries knowing what your partner wants and continue to make the decision you’re making knowing full well it may eventually end your relationship.

My stance ended mine. My exDP could not do ‘alone’ nor could he fathom my idea of his dysfunction being ringfenced from my world.

I’m very content with the choices I made. My home with my DC is heaven. So peaceful. Zero drama and no arguments.

There is strength in protecting your world.

Thanks @sassbott

When I speak about it to friends, I always feel like I’m coming across massively defended and blatant-force-9-intimacy-avoiding.

But said friends have not spent days in the company of DP’s daughter. Who (sadly) has barely interacted with the world in the last 6 years. DP struggles massively with her.

Im still the sole parent to my two dd’s (who are equally mystified by the behaviour) and won’t be taking this on. So it’s LAT out of necessity for me. There was a time when I strived for blending. But now I feel very appreciative of the peaceful life I have. Following a monumental 2year-old-style temper tantrum from her (aged 19, which my teens witnessed and were aghast at) his dd no longer comes here. Not because of her behaviour per se, more the ineptitude of the (lack of) response from DP. I just won’t subject my kids to that.

I’ve figured the only way to a peaceful life is to focus on the things I can control - me and my girls.

I’m in a LDR for the last 3 years. I don’t want to live together (we both have 1 adult child not at home) but I would like to live nearer to him so I could see him more often.

We were both single parents ( he had 50/50 and I had full care no contact). That suited me. Now I am in my 50’s I do sometimes feel a bit tired of doing everything alone.

We have separate finances and he is struggling with money right now. It’s difficult, I don’t really want to bail him out. I feel 100% committed but I worry my actions don’t say that to him.

@LatentPhase I hear you re the friends. My SIL once asked about whether my ex and I were planning to move in together. When I said a firm no, she was quite taken aback and once we chatted about it some more she understood my concerns. For my family a part of them (and it comes from such a good place), don’t like the thought of my being alone once my DC fly the nest. What I explained to my SIL was that until you’ve lived it and experienced the dysfunction, it’s very hard to understand the very real impact it has on every part of your life - your children's life, your home and your mental health. Not to mention the financial implications of cohabiting which is more complicated when both parties have pre existing children.

When there is this level of dysfunction between children/ parents/ ex it (quite frankly) can threaten the safety of the other people in the house. I see so many threads where a SC is verbally/ physically abusing a younger step sibling/ pet or the step parent. Or even making false allegations against a step parent etc.

Your children would absolutely lose out if your DP was to move in and they are then further exposed to his DD’s behaviour. Tbh I thank my lucky stars I had my children and my protective instinct for them kicked in and stopped any thoughts I had of cohabiting. They gave me the resolve to say ‘no’ and remain a firm ‘no’.

My sad and personal experience is that my relationship then began to hugely deteriorate. My ex became nastier and nastier. At the time I thought it was because his core needs weren’t being met, now I know it’s because his mask started to slip.

Dysfunction, in any relationship, is never down to one party. It takes two to create it. My exp was just as complicit in the dysfunction with his children and EXW. I’m so grateful i protected my family from it, and ultimately myself.

@Thighdentitycrisis my only advice re the money is that if you do bail him out, please get a loan agreement formalised and documented.
Please protect yourself financially - there are again too many stories of posters loaning money to a partner.

My exp asked for a loan (for a considerable amount). When I replied with a ‘yes’ but only if accompanied by a formal agreement stating term, amount, repayment terms and the assets he had to secure the loan - he hit the roof and called me a variety of unkind names. He wanted the money was was not prepared to disclose the state of his finances.

Had I loaned him the money without that agreement I would now be facing an uphill battle to get those monies repaid. That’s my retirement fund and/ or my childrens inheritance.

Your relationship commitment is not linked to helping him financially. The two are entirely separate conversations. If you loan him money this time, what will you do in a years time if money is tight again?

@sassbott

Yes, I wouldn’t want to without it being a loan, but then the security on that would be his property, and I would never try and force him to sell to pay me back, so it’s a non starter

I can’t help feeling he would like me to offer - but that could be my insecurities and being a people pleaser. I feel like he is struggling to live and clinging onto a dream to keep his house and I can’t loan him money just to live on, he has to realise on his own that something has to change

@Thighdentitycrisis yes in that case it is a non starter. I’m almost certain that that would have been the case for my exp also, the asset to secure would have been his house and in the event I wanted the monies back (which I absolutely did as I was clear it was only a loan), it would have forced a house sale. And I would have done it in a heartbeat.

My core issue was that in his eyes I had the money and as such why wouldn’t I help him as ‘that’s what partners do.’ It felt very hard to say no tbh (as I have been taught to be a people pleaser / provide), but what allowed me to hold strong was that if I had taken the step to loan him money, I was taking away from my own financial security, my children's financial security and my childrens inheritance. Non starter for me, no one is there to prop me up financially should something happen to me. My priority has to be myself.

He swore blind that if the situations were reversed, he would have never said no to me. I faced a full emotional onslaught about it and it was quite upsetting. I held firm in the knowledge that if I was ever to ask for a loan from anyone, I would absolutely insist on a loan agreement.

It was a tough time tbh.

Re the him clinging on to keep his home? Well then that tells me this loan is not a one off as it’s his lifestyle that is unsustainable. As you say, he needs to make the adjustments/ compromises so that he can support himself.

Call me cynical but I’ve gotten to the stage now where all I see is divorced/ older men who’s finances have taken a hit via divorce. Or potentially didn’t prioritise their retirement planning now looking for women who have financial security. The women become their retirement plan. I sound so cold and financially motivated but my recent experience has left me very bruised and used.

@sassbott I’m equally jaded really and feel men often by stealth/socialisation still want women to ‘make it all better’ in so many ways. Take on their messy kid situations in a blink of an eye, gain a social life, provide them with social capital that makes them feel they are ‘solid’ (or, to use DP’s parents term ‘sorted’!).

Well, if I ever live with a man it will be because me and (insert fictitious male) is ALREADY ‘sorted’!! Not 50/50 but 100/100.

Cohabitation (like marriage) is a minefield where men so often stand to gain much more than women. Women need to proceed with caution!

@LatentPhase I know. I feel sad in some ways about how I feel. But then I know that had it been me in my exp’s shoes, I would have unhesitatingly signed a loan agreement and been intensely grateful that my partner was willing to loan me the money. His reaction (sadly) showed me what he was after, my money.

Equally there is no part of me who would expect anyone to offer me money to help me out financially, especially if the situation was essentially a wider problem that one cash injection wouldn’t solve.

All of the above makes talk of long term relationships tricky. How much support Is right? If you’re in a long term relationship, is it par for the territory to support a partner? Financially? Emotionally with things like challenging children/ dysfunctional exes? What happens if one of you falls ill? Does that trigger a cohabiting relationship? Should you become a carer?

My ex and I would discuss these things as in one breath he said he wanted a ‘partner’, but when it came to his EXW / their court conflict over their children/ or indeed their children themselves, there was no partnership. It was his law that was laid down as they were his children, and he would do what it took re his children. To which my response was ‘ok, fine, but then this isn’t a partnership. It’s you doing what you want with your time and money and then expecting to have the same remit with my time and money. Why would I allow that?’

He asked me, ‘what would happen if I fell ill?’. And I responded honestly. I asked if he had critical illness insurance in place to bring in an income. He replied no. So I asked Why? Why had he not taken out insurance so could ensure he could keep a roof over his head? His answer? That’s why I have a partner.

And I told him that I would most likely look after him - but I would make no provision to cover his child maintenance / spousal maintenance. Nor would I facilitate contact - logistically due to distance of his children/ my career. When he asked what that meant re him seeing his children, I bluntly replied that wasn’t my issue. My priority would remain my very real pressures of my children/ my job. Again he was incandescent that effectively I was saying that if he fell ill, I would not make it a priority to ensure he retained access to his children.

He had done zero financial planning. No wills. No POA. No insurance policies. He took zero responsibility that as a grown man, the onus was on him to ensure these policies were in place so that he could keep a roof over his head and have funds to ensure he could keep seeing his children.

His honest answer to all of the above is ‘this is what partners do for one another’. Followed by ‘if I needed to look after you I would.’ All of that work? Pushed onto the fortunate person who he decided to ‘partner’ with.

I told him at that point we were fundamentally incompatible, because we were. There was no way I was working as hard as I was, saving as I am, to then fund a grown man and his lifestyle into retirement.

Lots of talk about cocklodgers on Mnet. The above to me is the ultimate in cocklodger. And I don’t think he’s a rarity. I think he’s more common than we realise and their game is to find financially stable women who are kind and empathetic. Ideally with a nice dose of low self esteem thrown in. So they can take on the burden in more ways than one. It’s a minefield. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I split with my EXDP and father of my 2DC last year. I'm about to buy a family home on my own for me and my DC. I'm a high earner, and have built up a large pension pot, so I'm completely self sufficient.

Having read the majority of the posts on the step-parenting board over the past 6 years (when I joined MN), I would say a LAT relationship is the only kind I would entertain when I meet a new man, at least until my DC have left home to start their adult lives. A lot of men don't seem to understand how to be an NRP without putting their DC on a pedestal, and their partner at the bottom of the priority list; I just read about one today, in fact. That situation can cause a lot of stress where a stepmother can feel pushed out of her own home.

Again, judging by the posts I read about this on MN, the potential number of available men who would be up for a LAT arrangement seems to be vanishingly small, so it may never happen for me. As PP have said, both parties need to be really open and honest and upfront about their needs, wants and desires, as well as long-terms goals for the relationship to have any chance of succeeding. That, and you both need to be on the same page, otherwise, no it won't work.

Works for me

Only if you both want this (for long term) if one actually wants to live together it will cause resentment

I have a friend who enjoys this kind of relationship. She is very happy with the arrangement, and the envy of a lot of friends. Even the ones who insist they are with their “soul mates”

Watching with interest.

I'm currently in a newish 'relationship' dynamic with someone (known each other outside this dynamic over a year previously).

I have a young child (single mother by choice with a sperm donor) so nod to have to factor in an 'ex partner' when it comes to the child.

I would really like to maintain the current set up of us living separately (inc separate finances, homes etc.). I think he likes the idea 'of waking up next to someone every day'. I don't know whether going forward/future planning he can invisage LAT set up...We are currently discussing him buying a house closer to my city...

I really admire the posters who have stood their ground though and either ended the relationships because they were no longer working, or found partners who felt similar.

Only now aged 40 am I starting to appreciate this model. In my younger years (feeling hormonal/wanting to 'nest') I was all for living together ! Now that I am secure within myself mentally and practically I can't see the overarching benefits.

Sounds perfect to me !

*No need rather!

I can’t imagine ever living with someone again. I’ve worked hard to buy a small house, I love my own space too much to share it all the time and I don’t want to compromise my taste. I’ve got a little bit put by for a rainy day and am ok month to month although living as a couple would definitely be cheaper!

I’m in the early stages of a new relationship and he seems to feel the same - we speak every day, meet at least once a week and are just planning our first trip away. I love spending time with him and waking up together but I need the time alone too and luckily he gets that. It’s exciting and fun and doesn’t get spoilt by arguments about who put the bins out 😂

Anyone else living separately from a partner they have young children with? I am and it works well. Everyone posting here with kids seems to be doing the living apart with a subsequent partner once the kids are a bit older.
I was living with my partner until our first child was 2 then we separated and he moved out. We remained very close and carried on acting like a family, spending lots of time together, and decided to have another child. We would not be happy living together but living separately it works really well.

It’s been really interesting and as others have said, refreshing, to read these posts. I’m in early 40’s and had a horrific breakup a few years ago with my long term partner. For a while I have been seeing someone who lives a 60 minute drive from me. He has a child (who has autism) 50% of the time and I have wondered if I am getting myself into an impossible situation. After my break up, I really value my home, security and independence and don’t want to risk losing them. What makes it tricky is that I don’t have a child of my own and that is something I am working through at the moment - If I’m happy to give up on the idea of being a mum. However what I have read here has given me bit of hope that this could possibly still work in this type of situation. I do get a bit lonely sometimes and can miss having someone there, but I think I just need to motivate myself, get off my arse and keep busy. I know I’m lucky in a way to have so much time to spend as I would like…..also nice not cleaning up after someone else!