Can a relationship work if you're ENTIRELY seperate?

[Kimexela]

Can a relationship work if two people are entirely separate, as in separate finances, separate houses, no blending of families, no moving in together on the cards?
I've met someone and I really like him, he's just recently bought a place and I like my own space with my daughter and I don't want a man to ever move in with me.
Can a relationship ever progress if two parties are to stay entirely separate? my big thing is that I don't want to share finances or actually live with anyone. I'm content with them coming over a couple of times week and spending the odd weekend together when kids are at alternate parents.
Is this a relationship model that can never progress or does it work for others?

Works for me!

I'm interested to know your definition of "progress" - does it mean greater intimacy, connection, depth? or that your lives are more intertwined? There's no reason you can't live separately and still have the former, while it seems that the latter is (for now) what you want to avoid.
Where you might be challenged is if circumstances change for the worse for either of you - e.g. one gets sick, job loss, financial difficulty, etc etc. The kinds of life events where a more 'all in' partnership would ideally provide emotional/practical support; the classic 'marriage vow' stuff.
In the kind of arrangement you're in, it might be good to talk about how much obligation you actually have to each other, how willing are either of you to change the circumstances as time goes by- or is it non negotiable; . There's no right or wrong answers to those questions but it might be good for you to have a shared understanding.
FWIW I love the sound of that arrangement and it's what I would want if I ever got divorced and met someone else!

It sounds ideal to me.

Get the good parts without being saddled with all the donkey work.

I totally agree this is the way to go. Getting divorced after a long marriage, have been seeing someone gorgeous for 6months but just bought my own house and hope with the new man it is a keeper, but don’t want a live-in relationship again.

Yes me also. Been with DH 5 years married for two. Everything separate - house, money etc. I relocated with my DC last year and we now live near each other but moving in together is not on the cards in the near future even though both my DC a will leave home over the next 18 months. Works perfectly for us but you have to both want it.

Also to add second marriage for us both he's mid 50s and me mid 40s. We get all the best bits of each other and none of the mundane stuff. Would always always be there for each other if needed though illness etc.

There is a Facebook page called Apartners (Living Apart Together) which has lots of likeminded people.

I'm LAT with my partner of 2.5years and this is how we plan to stay. (He thinks we might live together at 70 which is 30 yrs away).
I had a horrendous marriage and am not prepared to live with anyone again, I like my own space and to do what I want to do, when we see each other its really great and we make the effort.

I have adult children who still live at home (one at Uni) , his son is leaving primary school this year so quite an age difference. I have no interest in being a stepmum although I have met his son a few times as a friend. He has his son 5 times a week so our time can be limited but at the moment I feel its worth it.

I've been doing this for the last 8 years and it works well for us.
We have a large age gap in children as mine are adult and working and his still at school.
We spend every weekend together as mine can look after themselves and when the kids leave home then we will spend more time together but I have no intention of giving up my independence totally and neither does he.

Yes of course. You can still love and be committed to each other without your whole lives being intertwined. That's the kind of relationship I really want to be honest. Own homes, own finances but knowing it's only a few days until you see each other, knowing you've got nice holidays to book together and knowing someone loves you!

Yes. Absolutely it can, if both parties are genuinely happy with it and honest as to whether it works for them.

I am mid forties, divorced and have absolutely zero intention of living with anyone/ blending/ mixing financials. Like many PP on here I’m finally stable and have absolutely no intention of compromising that stability in anyway whatsoever.
I also love my home with just my kids and I. I have no need to live with a man fulltime.

However it is really important that both parties are honest about what they really want. I ended a 5 year relationship last year and one of the main contributing factors to the demise was pretty much The fact that my exp wanted to live with someone. And also the financial discrepancy that @RoyKentsChestHair outlines. However on the surface he told me he was ok with what I wanted, inside the resentment / frustration at not getting his needs met ate away at him.

His finances had been ripped apart by divorce (settlement and very costly and lengthy court litigation), mine in comparison were ok. Because both my exh and I worked, we each walked away with assets and I also didn’t incur high legal costs.
The resulting output was that my disposable income was much higher and (tbh) it was ringfenced from my partner. That absolutely didn’t work for him and his behaviour in the relationship then nosedived dramatically. The resentment / frustration really resulted in some awful behaviour. Where I was made to feel like I was the one in the wrong for not being more open with my home/ my money.

I think it takes two people who are secure, who genuinely enjoy their independence (financial and in their home). Who are strong communicators and who can absolutely see that the non conventional LAT is is no way less than a 24/7 fully meshed relationship.

For me? I was 100% loyal and committed in my last relationship. I was happy with the boundaries I put in.

@LadyGagagagaga123

Yes of course. You can still love and be committed to each other without your whole lives being intertwined. That's the kind of relationship I really want to be honest. Own homes, own finances but knowing it's only a few days until you see each other, knowing you've got nice holidays to book together and knowing someone loves you!

@LadyGagagagaga123

Do you think this is more likely to be a set up be a set up for those who are divorced and with children from previous relationships rather than never married and no children people?

This is such a refreshing thread :) I'm fairly certain he wants the same as me, we haven't had that discussion yet but I think I need to put it out there that I'd like to be with him and progress in that way, but all of the external factors such as finances, blending of kids and living together I'm keen to keep separate, least it's laid out on the table.

@Nomorepastry

Been in a completely separate relationship for 6 years. We share absolutely nothing and it's only the last couple of months it's started to eat at me that he's not interested in any commitment or living together. I wish I left years ago to be honest but on the good days it works well for me. On my bad days, not so much

I’m a bit like this. It was fun at the start, and I don’t want to move in with someone just now, but the separateness is now a bit lonely.

Yes I do and I was mainly referring to my own situation sorry should have clarified - own house don't have or ever want children. If two people have a child together then obviously that is a level of commitment that will bind them together and they can't then expect to keep finances separate or have as much of their own space / freedom etc.

Sorry that was to @MustTryHarder2021 x

The resulting output was that my disposable income was much higher and (tbh) it was ringfenced from my partner. That absolutely didn’t work for him and his behaviour in the relationship then nosedived dramatically. The resentment / frustration really resulted in some awful behaviour. Where I was made to feel like I was the one in the wrong for not being more open with my home/ my money.

To be fair, I would try not to talk about money with XDP because his instinct was to bail me out, which of course I appreciated but then he would say in arguments that I was a burden. One day he was looking at his crypto investments and getting excited about how many thousands he was earning from his investments while I had less than £50 left in the bank and I just had to ask him to stop it. He was quite insensitive to the fact that I was on tax credits while he had a 6 figure income sometimes. Although he always paid for holidays and most meals out etc in the later years. Early on I tried to pay my way more but ended up in debt so I had to pull back and swallow my pride a bit.

One of the things that made me realise he wasn’t in it for a partner was talking about pensions. Bear in mind he was the one who wanted to live together in future while I was more erring on the side of staying in two homes. But he would say that we could both put in equity (had about the same) and ring fence it, and that he’d pay the mortgage on a shared house for us, apparently not realising that this would mean he was the one making gains from my deposit. He said he was pleasantly surprised seeing how much his pension would be, and asked what mine looked like (he knows I’ve been self employed for 20 years working around the DCs on a low income, so I haven’t had a penny spare to put into a pension!). He then said “oh well I guess it’s on your children to take care of you into your old age”. Which summed it up for me. He wanted to use my equity and for me to no doubt provide all wifely services, but he felt no responsibility for taking care of me.

I should add that in my case, after 15 years living apart, we're now having a baby so we are considering getting a house together. If the right house, with enough space to breathe for us both, comes up - we might actually be living together at some point in the near future. Time will tell...

Everybody needs their own space. I would do this next time. Domesticity and money issues ruin relationships. I will never live with a man again. Just need to get rid of this one first....,,

@RiverSkater yes, space really is the key to happiness (in my case at least). Wishing you the best of luck!

Having divorced a man-child who rehired more parenting than our lovely child, I can honestly say I am loving my space and time with my DS, and can’t imagine joining lives with a man. My dream scenario would be as you described at least until DS moves out. I imagine it would require a huge amount of trust and understanding.

@RoyKentsChestHair I think conversations around money are really fraught and they are not remotely easy topics to navigate.

I don’t think it’s remotely fair that he would on one hand help you financially and in the next breath call you a burden. To me that’s a dick move. As is constantly talking about pensions/ crypto when you know someone is financially in a very different place.

The wider ‘partnership’/ equity convos are really tricky territory. It’s why I think LAT relationships require a lot of honest and robust conversations along with expectation setting. It’s clear my exp view of partnership was that I support him financially, especially when older. Mine was categorically not.

I think you dodged a bullet tbh. The house equity (but you not contributing to the mortgage) convo is a huge red flag. That’s completely not partnership. I’m with you, if that’s a set up that is wanted then don’t combine properties.

I think I’m getting to the stage where it’s clear he will never want out relationship to move on, and I’m musing on whether I really want to have my old age effectively alone.

Society has dictated that people should live together because it supposedly is a sign of progression, but I think each couple should determine what progression is.

This. You routinely say people on here saying a relationship hasn't progressed because the couple don't live together but its complete bollocks and based on absolutely nothing more than what the majority of people do. Living together works in very specific circumstances a) when you have shared children and b) for financial reasons.

Living separately is the dream for me. I have a DD and a boyfriend, they get on pretty well but neither are ready to live together. I like my own space, like organising my life to suit my needs and not having to work to someone else's agenda. My bf stays over on average 2-3 days a week and that works beautifully for everyone. There would have to be a really good reason for me to want to live with him.

Been doing it for nearly 13 years...I've posted about it on here before, to get told I don't have a partner, or even a relationship...

It's something we have both agreed to, it suits us both and we spend as much time together as we want. I'm bipolar and have found living with someone else very hard - I like my own space and my space to stay as I want it to.

@noirchatsdeux

Been doing it for nearly 13 years...I've posted about it on here before, to get told I don't have a partner, or even a relationship...

It's something we have both agreed to, it suits us both and we spend as much time together as we want. I'm bipolar and have found living with someone else very hard - I like my own space and my space to stay as I want it to.

Same here, been in a relationship for 6 years and it's just as much of a relationship than those who live with each other. I don't think some people know that not everyone can afford a place together, and some need their space. I have ASD and am very hard to live with, I like having all my animals and plants here. Where as if I lived with my partner I wouldn't be able to have that. I do think if we lived together we wouldn't have lasted long, but on my bad days I get sad and wish I did live with him so I didn't have to keep driving back and forth