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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kick him out or keep trying?

78 replies

cyclingmum21 · 13/02/2022 23:09

Been married for 13 years, together for 20. Have 2 kids, 15 & 16. Husband has been very grumpy and angry for no reason for last couple of years. Yesterday he told me to "F off and die." I asked him if he meant it and he said his life would be easier if I was dead. He has said he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He said we can just carry on living in the same house but separately for the sake of the kids.
Do I kick him out? What if he doesn't leave?

OP posts:

thisyearsuckssofar · 14/02/2022 01:38

I'm so sorry he said those awful things to you. You know you deserve more. My xh said similar things to me in a rage and (thankfully) left. If I were you, I'd want him gone. I've no idea what you should do if he doesn't leave - perhaps if you post in the morning you'll get more knowledgeable people seeing your post who can offer advice. I hope your situation improves.

Greenzone · 14/02/2022 01:49

Why would you want to continue to expose your kids to that type of relationship that they can then benchmark in their own lives as acceptable and normal? It’s a shit relationship, surely you’d want more than that for them when they are adults? They will mirror in their own adult relationships what they see as acceptable behaviour at home.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 14/02/2022 06:34

Thank you both. Part of me wants him to get some help to get back to the husband and dad he used to be but he refuses to have counselling. Apparently it's for weak people and lunatics! The other part of me thinks it's too late and what he said is unforgivable.

OP posts:

Duracellbunnywannabe · 14/02/2022 06:39

The problem with keeping trying is it takes two to make a relationship and he isn’t trying. It doesn’t matter how hard you try you can’t change anything when the problem is someone else.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2022 07:03

@Duracellbunnywannabe

The problem with keeping trying is it takes two to make a relationship and he isn’t trying. It doesn’t matter how hard you try you can’t change anything when the problem is someone else.

This.

Trying isn't something you can do on your own especially when it's his behaviour that is causing the issues.

What are you going to try amd do, exactly?

JennyForeigner · 14/02/2022 07:05

@cyclingmum21

It is unforgivable. Presumably it would be easier for you if he fucked off and died too, but you haven't said it, have you?

Cocogreen · 14/02/2022 07:08

You need to separate. He's a pig.
Get legal advice about how to proceed and then tell him you want to separate.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 07:08

Can you live with someone who's hoping you die?
I couldn't.

cloudsinmacoffee · 14/02/2022 07:13

Really sorry this has happened to you. It is often easier said then done to end a relationship but you so do deserve much more than this. Often when you are out of the relationship you realise how much better things are but in the moment it can feel very scary and unknown. I agree with others that it takes two to try to change and make an effort and you OH just doesn’t seem to be willing at all.

What if you were to get some counselling on your own, without him needing to know, in order to support you and help you make the decision? It could also be helpful for supporting you to follow through with the decision you do make. Good luck and you are stronger than you realise.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 14/02/2022 08:58

Thanks everyone. I would never say the same to him. I don't feel that way and as much as I don't like the way he is behaving, I do still love him and don't want my kids to be without a dad.
I'm just about to start counselling for some work related trauma so hopefully that will help.
Do I talk to the kids first and ask their opinion? He doesn't want me to say anything to them.

OP posts:

Booboobadoo · 14/02/2022 09:05

What an arse - he's kindly giving you the option of staying in the same house and being treated appallingly 'for the sake of the kids'. I'm guessing you pick up the majority of the housework and childcare?

Cocogreen · 14/02/2022 09:08

He's been behaving badly to you for two years.
Why would he suddenly snap out of this and become a loving husband?
With respect, you're flogging a dead horse.

CPL593H · 14/02/2022 09:26

@cyclingmum21

Thanks everyone. I would never say the same to him. I don't feel that way and as much as I don't like the way he is behaving, I do still love him and don't want my kids to be without a dad. I'm just about to start counselling for some work related trauma so hopefully that will help. Do I talk to the kids first and ask their opinion? He doesn't want me to say anything to them.

Please don't involve your children in making decisions about your marriage, although they are older it is still unfair. You need to decide what you want independently and they would not be without a dad even if you separated/divorced.

I think he's mentally got one foot out of the door anyway and this idea of maintaining the status quo will only be while it suits him. You need to seek legal advice and give a lot of thought to what is best for you.

formalineadeline · 14/02/2022 09:31

Do I talk to the kids first and ask their opinion?

Absolutely not, no. That would not be fair and is not something they should ever feel responsible for.

This is your decision that you need to make. You can't delegate it to your children.

It's really sad this is where things are and I'm very sorry you're dealing with it - but it is you who needs to deal with it.

Squeezyhug · 14/02/2022 09:44

No I wouldn’t discuss with the kids.
It has to be your decision.
I don’t think he sounds worth the effort of making a go of it.
Why would you?
Speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row by getting copies of relevant paperwork then tell him it’s over.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 09:50

Oh god no. Don't put this on your children. That would be completely wrong and quite cruel.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2022 09:52

You are the arbiter of your relationship here with your husband, not your children. It needs to be your decision and not theirs.

Staying for the sake of the children rarely if ever works out at all well for all concerned. Your children will still have a dad if he wants to be around if you and he part ways (which you absolutely should by the way. In both words and deeds this is over).

I would also think both your kids know about how things are within the home (which is not the sanctuary it should be for them) far more than either of you give them credit for. It is down to both of you to show them positive and life affirming lessons about relationships; not this crap model of one for them to go onto potentially emulate. Divorce is not failure here; living like this is.

Momijin · 14/02/2022 09:56

Fair enough to fall out of love. Not acceptable to verbally abuse you like this. End it.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 14/02/2022 10:03

Thanks everyone. Such good advice. I won't involve the kids. I will get some legal advice and go from there.

OP posts:

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 17/02/2022 22:17

So tonight he asked if we could talk. He said he wanted things to be better, like they used to be. I asked him what his plan was to make things better. He said if I am more affectionate, happier and argue less about the small things. I stopped him and asked him what he was going to do to make things better. I didn't get an answer.
No apology for what he said, no remorse, no sign that things are going to be different

OP posts:

formalineadeline · 18/02/2022 11:11

I'm sorry, it must have been hard to hear. He's starting to sound like a textbook abuser - making you responsible for his cruel behaviour towards you.

What are you going to do next? Do you need support to leave?

formalineadeline · 18/02/2022 11:12

*leave as in leave the relationship, I know he's the one who would be physically leaving!

CousinKrispy · 18/02/2022 11:28

"He said if I am more affectionate, happier and argue less about the small things. I stopped him and asked him what he was going to do to make things better. I didn't get an answer."

You were absolutely right to ask him that question, OP.

If he truly wants to improve things and keep the marriage together, that's great. Relationships can go through rough patches.

But if he's not willing to admit that he needs to make some pretty serious changes, I can't see how it can succeed.

Stick to your guns on that and good luck.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/02/2022 14:17

What's to try for? There's nothing left. He doesn't love you and he treats you with open contempt.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but there's nothing to salvage. This is clearly making both of you unhappy. Do you want to be with someone for the rest of your life who speaks to you like this and who tries to make it your fault?

Just fuck him off. Life is way too short.

pointythings · 18/02/2022 14:31

Isn't it typical that you have to make changes but he's just fiiiine?

No, sod that. Get rid.

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