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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kick him out or keep trying?

78 replies

cyclingmum21 · 13/02/2022 23:09

Been married for 13 years, together for 20. Have 2 kids, 15 & 16. Husband has been very grumpy and angry for no reason for last couple of years. Yesterday he told me to "F off and die." I asked him if he meant it and he said his life would be easier if I was dead. He has said he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He said we can just carry on living in the same house but separately for the sake of the kids.
Do I kick him out? What if he doesn't leave?

OP posts:

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/02/2022 16:52

What do you do?

File for divorce.

Sorry but there's no way back from this, and if he refuses to go then the house will need to be sold. I'd do it sooner rather than later, why waste any more time on this abusive twat?

Prettynails · 26/02/2022 16:54

@cyclingmum21

He's saying he has nowhere to go. He's spoken to his step mum but didn't ask if he could stay there. He says she would have offered if it was an option. He's saying I could go instead of him renting somewhere as it will cost a lot of money. I can't bear the thought of leaving the kids even if it is only temporary. What do I do??

Why should you go?

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 17:07

He's the one who's acted like a twat. He can find somewhere to go. Or stick it out while you put the house on the market for a quick sale.

Do not leave.

RandomMess · 26/02/2022 17:19

Ha tell him you renting somewhere 2 bed for you and the DC will cost more than him going somewhere on his own.

TBH I would nothing and start divorce proceedings.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 26/02/2022 17:36

Both of us staying in the house is upsetting DD. It feels like he's more worried about money.
Neither of us can afford to buy the other out but I think with the equity from the house after mortgage is paid off, we will both be able to buy somewhere else. Need to double check this.

Thanks for Airbnb idea FOR HIM. I hadn't thought about that.

OP posts:

me4real · 26/02/2022 17:42

He's abusive and controlling @cyclingmum21 xx

RantyAunty · 26/02/2022 18:42

There are plenty of places for him to go: a relative, friend, a room in a share house.

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 18:51

So it will cost a lot of money if he goes somewhere, but it's magically free for you?

Yeah he can get to fvck

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 26/02/2022 20:08

We just told the kids that we needed some time apart so one of us might be going to live somewhere else for a while. He tried to get the kids to choose but I told him he can't do that. My son said do whatever you think is right but just don't split up. Now I feel like I have to stay no matter what or I break my kids hearts. I feel like the worst parent in the world.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/02/2022 20:49

Don't put the burden or responsibility on your DC.

Staying together will not make it all ok.

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 21:43

Your DC have no idea what they are being asked about. They can't understand the implications of a years long relationship, or the power play involved, or the finances. It's the equivalent of us being asked to make decisions about the war in Ukraine. We have a vague idea what's going on, but none of the resource issues, the geo political implications etc.

formalineadeline · 26/02/2022 21:48

He is abusing your children now too.

You are the adult, you are the parent. You make the decision. Of course he was going to say that - he doesn't want the responsibility on his shoulders and the prospect of change is worrying.

It's not going to break their hearts. It is change and worrying but perfectly survivable. They will adjust.

Don't use them as your excuse to stay in an abusive situation.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/02/2022 12:49

You don't have to stay 'no matter what'

Stop involving the children in decisions
File for divorce
Put the house on the market
Houses are selling quickly so hopefully you will only have to endure each other for a couple of months if he refuses to leave in the meantime

Crumbleburntbits · 27/02/2022 13:19

You need to file for divorce and tell the DC before he tries to manipulate everyone even more. Stop doing any cooking or laundry for him (if you still are) and sleep in a separate room. Tell people you are divorcing him. I guarantee several of your family or friends will tell you they’ve recognised that your marriage is miserable, even if you think you’ve hidden it well.

Be prepared for a charm offensive from him and promises to change. When that doesn’t work, he’ll start being nasty about finances etc. Your response to everything should be to ignore him and continue with planning your future.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 27/02/2022 23:11

OMG! He is proper messing with my head now. Some friends came round to help us talk. He said he does love me and wants us to stay together! How the hell am I meant to know which one is the truth? Feeling very manipulated. Going to try and get some financial advice this week so I know where I stand.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 23:18

Don't less to what he says to you in these discussions, you need to observe his actions and behaviours. Love isn't words alone.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 28/02/2022 00:33

He was definitely on his best behaviour when our friends were round. I agree easy to say the words but not so easy to change behaviour.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 28/02/2022 06:55

Instead of keep saying he is messing with you head, change the language to he is manipulating you. I think it really matters. Dont minimise by using teen language.

Dont let your son’s words pressure you. He doesnt understand. His opinion shouldnt count.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/02/2022 07:49

Why are you involving friends in your discussions?

Crumbleburntbits · 28/02/2022 09:41

This isn’t anything to do with your friends as you’re the one that has to live with the manipulative bastard. Who had the idea to involve them?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 13:52

I do still love him and don't want my kids to be without a dad.

But they won't be without a Dad, you'll just be without an arsehole who has no respect for you! Please see this.

Him wanting to continue to live in the same house just means he wants you continue to cook and clean and wash his pants. Wake up!

Kick up him out.

If he wants out; he's out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 13:54

Do I talk to the kids first and ask their opinion?

Why on earth would you do this? What a fantastic way to mess them up forever and give them the guilt of what should be a decision between two adults.

Original poster

cyclingmum21 · 21/03/2022 18:57

He's finally agreed to go! He's moving into a rented flat at beginning of April. I'm anxious already about the process of him moving out and how upsetting it will be for me and the kids. Any tips / advice on how to make it as easy as possible? Once he's gone, I know the atmosphere in the house will be so much better.

OP posts:

Richtea2 · 27/03/2022 20:06

@cyclingmum21

From the first post he seemed like he felt trapped because of the kids. It's obvious he doesn't love you no more but doesn't want to be the one to leave..I am glad he got himself a flat. I want you to show him you can do it alone. I just don't want you to think you can't be on your own because you can.

2catsandhappy · 26/04/2022 03:05

@cyclingmum21 how are you? I hope he moved out like he said.

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