I am thinking of ending my 8 year marriage

[Adifferentperson]

I don't think I love my DH anymore and over the last 6 months or so I can't bear him touching me. The thing is, he can't just 'cudldle' me without wanting more, i.e.sex & that irritates me.

DH is a chauvanist pig at times, in that he refuses to do any household chores, although he is good at entertaining the kids, so I suppose I can't complain.

Little things are starting to irritate me & I just find it hard to be even a tiny bit affectionate to him. The other side of the coin is I do feel sorry for him in that I suffer with depression and the last few months it has got really bad. I am not on AD's (had to come off them for other health reasons) so feel even worse. I suffer raging PMT & I am a complete bitch at times.

If I leave my DH I will have nowhere to go which is obviously a worry as we have two young DC's. He is the breadwinner.

Sorry for the rant. I don't really know what I am askign you here, I just needed to get this off my chest I feel so so low.

Another thing that is very worrying is I have started to drink more wine at night. It started with 2 small glasses a night now it is nearly a bottle most nights . I just find the alcohol makes me forgot stuff and makes me happy for a short time.

Have you been back to the doc to try other ADs? You have to try every avenue before the ultimate otherwise you will always regret not giving your all.
Nothing you have said is shocking. Most of us feel that way at points in our lives. Sometimes we need more help than other times

Have you told your dh how you feeling?

Echoing UC regarding going back to the doctors. Do consider Relate too. They are fantastic at listening, not judging, and will help you to sort our where these feelings are coming from and what you relly want. They will see you on your own or as a couple.

It may be that you are seeing the end of your marriage, but it is good to be sure, before you take such a big step. Having two small children puts a huge strain on any relationship. It may be that if you both want to save this marriage, then you can devise a strategy in Relate to get you through to better times.

I will go back to the GP soon but there is another reason I haven't gone back to the GP for ADS. I have applied for a job which involves working with vulnerable people and I have to have a medical and crb (not worried about the crb). i don't want them knowing I am on AD's so I am waiting for the medical, then I will go to the doctors. I might not get the job if they think I am depressed & on AD's.

Going onto Ads should be the last resort- I don't think you are depressed, you are in a muddle over your life. The latest thinking on ADs is that counselling or CBT should be offered first as Ads are only really for very severe depression, that is not related to any life issues. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I work as a counsellor and see people who come via their drs.

If you can manage without Ads- which you are- then you don't need them. What you do need is to sort out how you feel about your partner.

TBH you should re-consider working with vulnerable people if you are really depressed- those guidleines are there for good reasons!

Have you thought about going to AA- your drinking sounds like it has become an issue and a bottle a night is WAY over the limit- you need to take this seriously and get some help.

pixie - what exactly do you think I am going to do (the job is in a nursing home)? I have never been violent or agressive to anyone in my life (I assume this is what you mean)- One minute you say I don't sound depressed then you say I should reconsider working in the home if I am depressed . I found your post quite offensive tbh.

Are you saying that all people with depression that being teachers, Nurses, and all people that work with vulnerable people should hand their notices in tomorrow .

Glad your not my counsellor .

am wondering if the relationship is the target because it's the biggest one rather than the actual one - there might be smaller changes you can make that help you feel happier without doing something so drastic

have you felt like this before in the past 8 years?

Vacua - no only lately.

adifferentperson...

If the guidelines are there about work & ADs, then it's not me that's made them, is it? Why bring it up as if I made the rules!

What I am saying is that I don't know why you have been diagnosed with depression- but all the recent research says that too many people are given ADs as a short term measure, when they don't need them.

On the other hand, if you ARE depressed, then you are going to have to find a way round job applications that ask about this.

You need to consider going to see a counsellor - we all feel fed up with our partners and that's normal! But to want to end your marriage when you have 2 young kids and no means of supporting them is a very big step and maybe you need to get to the bottom of why you feel like that.

I haven't been diagnosed with depression I was on them for PMT.

Do you know why employers (well some) have a problem with people on AD's? Its discrimination isn't it? What exactly do they think a depressed person that is being treated with AD's is likely to do?

Oh, I agree about a bottle of wine most nights is too much as from today I am going to stop drinking full stop. New year new start.

Agree with pixiepip. Counselling can help you in this situation and the solution to your unhappiness might not need to be so all or nothing. Talking to a counsellor will release some of the tension you are feeling inside and allow you the mental space to view your situation from a different perspective. Leaving your marriage while you are in such emotional turmoil, might have catastrophic consequences for all concerned.

Clear a space in your head first, where you can think about things - talk to a counsellor, there are plenty of organisations that provide counselling for very little money. Ask to see a psychodynamic counsellor or a person-centred counsellor rather than a cognitive behavioural one, because the former two will address the root causes of how you cope with problems, and how you view your life in the way you do and look at issues in your past, whereas the latter will simply try and change your thought processes in the here and now. And yes, I am a counsellor myself! Good luck.

Would be interested to know what sort of counselling background you have pixiepip

I don't know why the rules are there re. ADs, but I doubt if if it discrimination- there are plenty of cases where similar rules apply. I don't think for a moment that violence etc is the issue- more errors of judgement perhaps. On a very simple level, anyone with a mental health issue could be putting the client at risk- and that is NOT my personal opinion- it is how it might be viewed.

Have you tried some of the alternative remedies for PMT? If not, it might be worth a go- there's a lot you can do with diet and supplements that can help.

Tartwithaheart- I tend to work more inthe CBT way, so I think it's a case of seeing what works best for each client- some people need that approach - so maybe keep an open mind?

While I am not an expert in employment law I think some employers might be wary of employing people who have been diagnosed with depression in stressful jobs that might make them worse. It's not dissimilar to a a ballet trouple not being as keen to employ someone who has a degenerative disease like arthritis: the work may make the condition worse.

WIth regard to your other problems, a partner who pesters for sex all the time but won't help with the household chores is a prize recipe for depression: relationship counselling may help but he will only change his behaviour if he wants to.

catinthehat -

why?

Qualifications?
Background?
Training?

Sorry pixiepip. But you know that old thing between psychodynamic and CBT that still rages on...especially now with the Layard thing - I didn't mean to be derogatory of your method of practicing.

Just interested in your ability to diagnose depression!
Do you just touch your computer screen and go woo-ee-woo-ee-woo-yes its NOT depression its "muddle over life"!!
Just reminds me of a stage medium for some reason.

adifferentperson, i can sympathise with you. regarding the wanting more all the time, my dh is exactly the same and it really pisses me off. it make you want to hold back the affection when you really want a cuddle or just to be nice really.
i ma feeling very down too at the mo as my dh is behaving like a right tw*t. he is depressed too but doesnt want to help himself. he is on ad's and saw a councellor once, who then went on maternity leave and has not been back since. i feel this would really help him, and i am getting more and more fed up with his attitude.

catinthehat-

I thought the basis of posts here were that they should not be personal?

I might have said things that the OP took issue with, and maybe I should have worded it differently- butI never made it personal.

I am not prepared to be interrogated about what I have/haven't got etc.

Sorry.....{smile}

Sorry I have just read all the threads properly and would like to say that I whilst I agree with pixiepip that the OP might benefit from counselling, I do not necessarily agree with her other sentiments. That is the difference that I was referring to between psychodynamic counsellors and CBT - that tendancy to rely so much on statistical "evidence" and not look at the person in front of you. What we are talking about here is relationships and not statistics.

I am sorry to hijack this thread like this, because I feel very strongly that the OP needs some empathy here, rather than to be judged.

Sorry you've got so upset, was only asking a few questions. Just that in one of your other posts, there you were offering slimming advice on local radio. Just surprised that you have so many areas of expertise!!

I'm sure you're very talented, professionally qualified and experienced.

Adifferent person I hope you can find a meaningful solution to your current situation. Bye and good luck. Tart xx

"although he is good at entertaining the kids, so I suppose I can't complain."

Of course you can complain - if he did his fair share then you'd have time and energy to entertain your kids too. Being a drudge is extremely depressing, it seems understandable you are unhappy. It's not nice to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they are superior to you.

Does he know how unhappy you are?

Adifferent person, seconded Tart's post just now, also as others have said I wouldn't leave it too long to get to a doc if you are self medicating with alcohol to the extent you describe.

Adifferentperson - (just my opinion - I would try and stick with the marriage, at least for the moment. It is a really tough time having little kids and you and DH are doing really different things so life has changed alot. Re the wine, try and cut it down gradually - when there's alot of stuff going on, it's generally best to tackle one thing at a time/do it gradually in achievable steps.