I am thinking of ending my 8 year marriage

[Adifferentperson]

I don't think I love my DH anymore and over the last 6 months or so I can't bear him touching me. The thing is, he can't just 'cudldle' me without wanting more, i.e.sex & that irritates me.

DH is a chauvanist pig at times, in that he refuses to do any household chores, although he is good at entertaining the kids, so I suppose I can't complain.

Little things are starting to irritate me & I just find it hard to be even a tiny bit affectionate to him. The other side of the coin is I do feel sorry for him in that I suffer with depression and the last few months it has got really bad. I am not on AD's (had to come off them for other health reasons) so feel even worse. I suffer raging PMT & I am a complete bitch at times.

If I leave my DH I will have nowhere to go which is obviously a worry as we have two young DC's. He is the breadwinner.

Sorry for the rant. I don't really know what I am askign you here, I just needed to get this off my chest I feel so so low.

Another thing that is very worrying is I have started to drink more wine at night. It started with 2 small glasses a night now it is nearly a bottle most nights . I just find the alcohol makes me forgot stuff and makes me happy for a short time.

there are several problems here and i believe they are all linked:

• pmt
• unhelpful, insensitive, unsupportive husband
• drinking
• possible depression
• wanting independence: getting a job so worrying about whether the above will jeopardize this

i think you need to talk through these with someone, work out what the root cause is and try to deal with that. don't try to tackle everything at once - it's too overwhelming.

i agree with lulumama - fix yourself and then think about the outside world.

I think your chauvanistic husband is making you depressed. Either get him to change his behaviour or get rid and you will probably start to feel better.

Having a depressed wife doesn't suddenly make a man unable to do his fair share of the household chores, but being treated as a skivvy is a classic reason for women in relationships to be depressed.

i don;t ever , ever think the dynamics of a relationship or the root causes of depression are that simple, elizabetth.. but i agree being treated badly is not nice

but then he is feeling treated badly too due to the PMT, so they are both needing to address things, aren;t they, about their behaviour?

ADP - am glad you're going to see the doc, sometimes a listening ear is a start. From your dh point of view it must be so hard to live with someone who isnt happy - I know that from my homelife, walking on egg shells becomes very wearing and even though I havent - yet- called anyone a hormonal bitch, if i did i hope nobody would jump on me as being "verbally abusive". That's - to me-unhelpful and fanning the flames.

Well done though for talking to him. It's a brave thing to do and shows you still have feelings for the marriage. Let us know how things work tomorrow

It is trivcy when they are breatwinner. If I could look after DS i.e. get a decent job with flexible hours I wouldn;t be with DP now. I am on a long time strategy to become finacially independent and then see where I can go from there.

You need to think hard if it is worth bringing your kids up in poverty, as that is the only option really, or if you can think longer term about things

No- anyone who disagrees with me is NOT a bitch!

What is bitchy is to say "I wouldn't want you asmy counsellor". That is personal- and uncalled for.

It's a bit like me replying to "My husband called me a hormonal bitch" - by saying "Yes, he is obviously right from your catty replies to me".

I didn't say that, and I don't believe it- but the point is, that I didn't make personal remarks, did I?

It wasn't clear that the OP was on ADs because she had PMT- it read that she was on them because she was unhappy with her OH. My remark was that ADs don't usually help depression that is caused by circumstances (read the lates research), and that her best course of action was to seek counselling or similar.

Anyway, enough of all of this. I've said my bit, and if my OP offended anyone, then I am sorry- but don't all start having another go at me- I can't be bothered and won't reply.

by warthog "there are several problems here and i believe they are all linked:

• pmt
• unhelpful, insensitive, unsupportive husband
• drinking
• possible depression
• wanting independence: getting a job so worrying about whether the above will jeopardize this

You hit the nail on the head warthog.

Oh, and Elizabetth, its not so easy just to walk away, he is the breadwinner, and I can be a right cow when I am pre-menstrual. Granted he can be abusive & knock my self-esteem but its not all his fault.

AD's are not only suitable for "very serious depression".

I thought AD's were prescribed for anxiety, panic disorder, Pmt, OCD, mild, moderate and severe depression.

I am beginning to wonder how knowledgable pixie is considering she is a counsellor.

Well today is the first day of the year ADP. If you can stomach it, I think the best thing you can do (for you and your kids) is think long term (maybe a year?) - and try do take some steps towards gaining some independence because the worst thing you can do with dependent kids is just up and leave with no plans or resourses to count on - and you really don't want to hope another bloke will provide them - that generally is a frying pan/fire situaltion.

And try to be friend with your DH becasue whatever happens, even though the love is gone and might never come back, he is still the father of your children and it's in their interest if you can sort out a 'no fault' divorce some time in the future.

I'll be on this journey with you!

Pixie is a side issue here. What are your plans?

A bottle of wine most nights is nigh on 70 units a week. The recommened units for women are 14 aren't they?

I'd say try to do it gradually. You should talk to a doctor before going cold turkey. It might eb a rough ride.

Last post until someomne else posts, sorry but just wanted to say congrats on getting a job. I think this is the best thing that you can do, if it's what you want, so you shouldn;t let any other possible issues stop you!

Sorry if it came across that I thought it was easy ADP, I know that's far from the truth. I really suggest taking a look at that website I linked to, if he does abuse and undermine you, it may help you develop some tactics to deal with it.

Sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment.

Thanks MT. My rational head says to stick it out but that's because I am on my period. 2weeks before my period I am a different person, moody, depressed, drink more, irritable.

DH is a bit of a perfectionist though & I sometimes think I am not good enough for him - or that is certainly how he makes me feel. He is also a very unaffectionate person (except when he fancies a bit) cuddles = sex .

This is why I need this job. I need some independence and freedom.

I am worried about the medical though. Although I have not been diagnosed with depression, I did suffer anxiety after DD's birth, and also the PMT so wonder if this will go against me job wise. Its care work I intend doing - I have had several jobs but this is the type of work I have enjoyed the most.

Thanks Elizabetth. I will take a look at the website you suggested, thanks.

You know always found PMT to be a bit of a litmus test for the general health of my life/relationship. If I am generally unhappy with things, my PMT was terrible. If I am happy, it can be non existent. When things are bad, no doubt it can make things much worse. Same with depression ? makes you feel so sorry for yourself, but that doesn?t make anyone very likable! Living with someone who is depressed is V hard! So maybe give your DH a bit of slack there. You are partners, not carers!

If you and DH have just gotten into a cycle of abusing each other, then a bit of time out is maybe what you need as no amount of talking will help if both of you have stopped listening. Just walk away from the argument ? especially of it?s the same one you keep having again and again

Some really bad PMT is treated with AD?s though and they really work, so maybe you should talk to your doc about them. It sounds like you need to be able to see the wood for the trees, and AD?s (SSRI?s) will defo help you do that!

MT - I am sure there is something in your theory. Apparently PMT is linked with levels of seratonin, and how easily they are used up in the body, and lots of other stuff involving tryptophan.

Depression is also linked to the same. Being run down/stressed also interferes with seratonin levels so it seems all could be connected.

It is just my theory as I haven;t read anything about it - but it would be interetsing. You have any recommendations?

No, I dont I'm afraid. I've only done some cursary research on the net because I have/had PND, I suffer PMT, insomnia (despite being on AD's), weight issues/food cravings etc.

I was looking into the insomnia when I noted the mention of seratonin, and on researching stuff about seratonin (I knew it was key in my PND and the AD's I was on), it turns out that it is linked with the other problems/conditions I mentioned.

One website also noted diabetes/gestational diabetes as being linked AND pre-eclampsia (which I had when pg with DS) to seratonin as well. And that studies have shown that women who took half an aspirin and/or AD's (of the SSRI variety) were less likely to develop pre-eclampsia. Seratonin doesnt move around the body well if blood is too thick.

According to stuff I found - everyone should be really happy this Christmas - turkey is full of tryptophan which is good for making use of seratonin. Or something....

Sorry for hijack, op.....

eating rice is very good

I think it?s hugely unhelpful to suggest that someone is being abused based on one comment ?you?re a hormonal bitch??. It sounds like there are issues on both sides here and that it simply isn?t just about about having an unsupportive partner, but that the op also has issues with herself.

It can be extremely difficult living with someone with depression. Depression is an extremely selfish illness, and I don?t mean that nastily, just that sufferers of depression find it very difficult to look past their own feelings and to consider the feelings of those that have to live with them, and there can come times when even the most tolerant partner will find it difficult to live like that any longer.

With regard to the job, there are many reasons why state of mind/health would be taken into account when working with vulnerable people, and it?s not all about what they think you will do to a patient, it equally has to do with how you feel/react to certain situations. For example, if you are going to work in a nursing home how will you feel if a patient dies? Losiing a patient must be hard on the toughest of people, but for someone who is already very low it may have a far more profound effect. It?s as much about you as about them, and yes, the guidelines are there for a reason. Not admitting to having depression would probably never affect the people you are going to be working with, but it could certainly affect you, so I would think hard about whether that is really the field you want to be working in, where your emotions might be put to the test even more than they are already.

Only you know whether you really want to make your marriage work, you are taking the first step by going to your gp, once you are feeling better in yourself you can start to look to the future with regards to your marriage, and at that point I would consider discussing counselling with your dh.

VVV - the turkey theory defo isn't true I have ate sooooo much turkey.

I vaguely remember my Gp saying she will prescribe Prozac if PMT doesn't improve (that was months ago), looks like I need to see her tomorrow ..

WannaBe I do agree with your post 100%, but I need to find out if its 'me' thats the problem or is it DH's cold manner and often chauvanistic manner thats the problem (prob both), I also have issues from the past which I really do not want to discuss right now.