A classic: EXH marrying OW

[Cherry55]

Just discovered Exh is marrying OW.

Yes, it has been 4 years or so, the dust has settled although horrific divorce is only one and a half years done. They are both terrible people and he is a cheating lying cheat that cheats and lies and she was an ex friend that was biding her time to weevil in there with her mucky little mitts and bag of insecurities.

I've been treated appallingly, he caused so much grief and hurt and totally blindsided me and took pretty much all my money. It has taken a lot of therapy but I was feeling rather indifferent for quite a while...then BOOM.

Why does it feel so rubbish?

@Wreath21 those are valid reasons for leaving a marriage NOT for leaving for someone else! Which is the point we are making

Wreath21, why do I get the distinct impression that you yourself have been the "OW" or "OM" in the past at least once if not more than once............

Oh good spot

but that would be there problem, not mine.

No it's yours too if you're sleeping with people you don't know their relationship status!

but the majority of those who do it when the official partner is a basically OK human being, do it because something's wrong in the relationship.

Still NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT

And I'm not fixated on monogamy either I know people in non monogamous relationships and have seriously considered it myself no problem with that at all as long as everyone knows where they stand and there's total transparency

and it is invariably the case that it is the "meeting a potential new partner" which means the "realisation" tha the current relationship is awful is a realisation they come to entirely on their own with no communication or effort to improve the current relationship

Or it's bullshit and they're rewriting history

Sometimes there is no point in trying to improve the current relationship

To not even attempt to is unacceptable

A relationship itself shouldn't be 'work'.

Is your thinking that based on never having had a committed relationship?!

Of course there's work involved!

Just as there is in other relationships that last longer than a year or so - friendships, colleagues, parent and child...

They don't happen by magic!

Ask ANYONE who's been in a committed relationship more than 5 years and they'll tell you that there ARE times when things are tough and effort is required

‘It's not great to do that by actually taking up with someone else, but nor is it inherently terrible.’

No… the excuses might not be ‘terrible’ in some cases… but the act of infidelity always is, it is a form of abuse (mental, physical, emotional and sexual) and is not acceptable.

@Cherry55 hope you’re feeling better. Neither if those two won a prize, they’ll soon come to see that, just give it time!

"but the majority of those who do it when the official partner is a basically OK human being, do it because something's wrong in the relationship"

so so naieve.
the "something wrong in the relationship" is always the subjective personal conclusion by the cheating spouse.

‘It's not great to do that by actually taking up with someone else, but nor is it inherently terrible.’

OMG where do I even start?

What Ladybugzrock said.

"Sometimes there is no point in trying to improve the current relationship"

"To not even attempt to is unacceptable"

And to not maybe even mention how dramatically unhappy you are whilst behaving completely normal is an insult to a long relationship and marriage with children. Honestly, this sudden something wrong with the relationship is absolutely subject to the cheating spouses very very convenient conclusion.

You have the right to be told if there is an issue, ideally a chance to work on it, but not led on a merry dance of our of nowhere after 15 or so years you are suddenly not compatible. Balls, someone took your fancy, gave you more attention than the tired mother of your very young children and you threw caution to the wind.

Mumsnet rolled me through THE SCRIPT at the time which was an absolute eye-opener and explained so much of what was happening.

To hell with "what the heart wants the heart wants" nonsense. What about decency and honour? And if you want to leave a relationship do it without lying, cheating, deceiving...anyone behaving above board wouldn't.

"You have the right to be told if there is an issue, ideally a chance to work on it, but not led on a merry dance of our of nowhere after 15 or so years you are suddenly not compatible. Balls, someone took your fancy, gave you more attention than the tired mother of your very young children and you threw caution to the wind."

could have written it myself almost verbatim.

Cherry55 I have not read your previous mumsnet threads so I do not know your full background although your posts on this thread do sound v familiar to what I went through. I hope you are ok.

My ex married his (then 6 months pregnant) girlfriend (whom he had cheated on me with, i only realised later). Their wedding was massive in a big stately home, they had their two bulldogs as "bridesmaids" along with my own son and daughter (aged 5 and 6 at the time). They had a massive firework "gender reveal" of my ex husband's new baby at the wedding reception. They paid for all the guests to stay in local accommodation where all of the rooms had adjacent hot tubs so the guests could speak to each other whilst in the hot tubs.
They went to a v flashy destination for their honeymoon.

Why do i tell you all this? Mainly because it is the exact polar opposite of what my ex h and i had when we got married - it is like he has become a TOTALLY different person - and mr flashy is an understatement.
So weird!!

I guess for me the most galling thing was his new wife sending me a card before their marriage with her own painting on the front and the words "only love can break your heart" inscribed on the front and a "thank you" for our children looking so cute as her bridesmaids/paige boy.......

you couldn't make it up!!!

Anyway I hope you are ok, it does get better, and inspite of all the above I still think their wedding likely means diddly squat when it comes to the real state of their day to day relationship...............

@bubblesbubbles11 hi yes think it's very similar!! This wedding will be more of a need to legitimise their relationship to the outside world. People aren't daft and there will be sniggers in the wedding party during the vows. no doubt.

I'm generally OK though, just irritating seeing anything going to plan for them as they deserve nothing.

Sorry about that card you got, how utterly awful and tactless. Some people eh!