A classic: EXH marrying OW

[Cherry55]

Just discovered Exh is marrying OW.

Yes, it has been 4 years or so, the dust has settled although horrific divorce is only one and a half years done. They are both terrible people and he is a cheating lying cheat that cheats and lies and she was an ex friend that was biding her time to weevil in there with her mucky little mitts and bag of insecurities.

I've been treated appallingly, he caused so much grief and hurt and totally blindsided me and took pretty much all my money. It has taken a lot of therapy but I was feeling rather indifferent for quite a while...then BOOM.

Why does it feel so rubbish?

@Wreath21 that may be the case on occasion, but I think a lot of the time people who cheat simply can't be arsed to make the effort with their current relationship.

It's the "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - no the grass is greener where it's more cared for" thing

My ex had his nose out of joint that after having dd he was no longer my no 1 priority. He was no 2 but that wasn't good enough. And instead of talking to me, or dealing with it like a fucking adult he sought ego stroking and attention elsewhere. When did I learn this?

When he complained to me about her being pregnant! That he hated losing her attention etc. this was almost 3 years after dd was born. And as my earlier post instead of dealing with it like an adult, he cheated again...and again...and again...

I think your reference to "then they meet someone else who is a better fit for them." is part of the problem in society and the prevalence of that type of thought is one of the reasons why certain people leave their spouse for someone else

I agree with this too. There's a certain type of chest who is constantly seeking the "honeymoon period" and can't cope with the reality of an adult relationship that mellows and changes with time.

A friend of my brothers is like this, has never had a relationship lasting more than 2 years. My sister can be like this too to a degree but to the best of my knowledge she hasn't cheated on anyone, she just gives up on relationships of all sorts really quickly.

There are all types of reasons for dumping one partner in favour of another: some are valid, some are not. If people marry young and then one or both discovers that they have some huge incompatibility when it comes to future goals (one wants kids and the other doesn't, for instance) then it's best for that 'starter marriage' to come to an end. If people marry, as far too many do, because they have been dating the same basically-OK person for around two years and all their mates are marrying and having kids... if they have reached the point of 'get married or split up and start again' a lot get married... and then find out that the 'will do' partner actually won't do as a forever option, then it's best to move on if possible.

(I have been lucky and avoided any and all such problems by never marrying or moving in with partners, but I appreciate it's a bit late for some people to pick that option.)

@Wreath21 maybe but not in my case. We were very active with the spark. As @Graphista says after 10 years we had kids and during therapy it seemed obvious that he was the type of person that needed constant praise and adoration, which gets cut off when you have children as a new priority. Absolute man child.

He wanted his carefree life, pitching divorce as a positive where we could each enjoy our hobbies easier (lolllllzzz). And this new bint was childless and career and social obsessed as he is.

Sering me as a mother rather than the career woman I was cramped his style I guess.

Does that mean he found "someone more suitable"?!?!

some are valid

Please do tell me the valid reasons for dumping a spouse for another person?

Whether to have dc or not and how many should be decided before committing to a relationship.

There are valid reasons to end a relationship well before starting or even considering starting another.

There are imo no valid reasons for cheating, for throwing away a committed relationship for novelty.

It's childish and selfish.

But then you admit you've never BEEN in a truly committed relationship so your experience isn't really the same is it?

Wreath21 Sat 12-Feb-22 16:21:11

With respect I totally disagree with your above referred to post.
Yes I know "starter marriages" are a thing etc.

But none of the "categories" of marriages you quote are justification in themselves for dumping a spouse in favour of another person.

That has to be correct because your logic does not add up - all the categories you cite contain an assumption that there was an element of "unknown" or a quasi immaturity inside the people who start off in their failed marriage.
They are "too young" when they marry, or they are impatient and are comparing themselves with others and so are coming at it from a faulty perspective.

Not true.

If the above WAS true then why do you basically NEVER get people in these categories leaving their marriage to be ALONE. i.e. they acknowledge they had not grown up enough when they entered their first marriage and now need to spend their time doing that growing up alone.

No - of course not. It is always a case of running off with someone else - and that makes it all very transactional, inhuman and totally ignoring the other human beings in the equation who are affected by their partner swapping.

[quote Cherry55]**@Wreath21* maybe but not in my case. We were very active with the spark. As @Graphista* says after 10 years we had kids and during therapy it seemed obvious that he was the type of person that needed constant praise and adoration, which gets cut off when you have children as a new priority. Absolute man child.

He wanted his carefree life, pitching divorce as a positive where we could each enjoy our hobbies easier (lolllllzzz). And this new bint was childless and career and social obsessed as he is.

Sering me as a mother rather than the career woman I was cramped his style I guess.

Does that mean he found "someone more suitable"?!?![/quote]
It sounds like he found 'someone more suitable; for him. That doesn't mean you are/were at fault and it doesn't mean that he or his new partner are better people than you. It sounds like you're well rid of him TBH.

" 'someone more suitable; for him"

This is wonderful. It is like a totally blank cheque get out of jail card for all men and women in marriages the world over!

And Wreath21 certainly makes marriage sound like a jail........

@Graphista

some are valid

Please do tell me the valid reasons for dumping a spouse for another person?

Whether to have dc or not and how many should be decided before committing to a relationship.

There are valid reasons to end a relationship well before starting or even considering starting another.

There are imo no valid reasons for cheating, for throwing away a committed relationship for novelty.

It's childish and selfish.

But then you admit you've never BEEN in a truly committed relationship so your experience isn't really the same is it?

Really? How long have you got?

Valid reasons for dumping a partner include:
Abuse. Abusers often take quite a while to show their true colours, and abuse often escalates very gradually. It's not that uncommon for an abuser's victim only to realise that their circumstances are not normal and that they need to get away when they meet someone who doesn't treat them like shit.
Addiction. You can't cure or control someone else's substance abuse by 'loving them better', especially if they won't acknowledge it's a problem or seek help
Sexual incompatiblity. If one person wants sex twice a week and the other is only even vaguely interested about once a year, both are going to be miserable and resentful.
Radical change in worldview. This can include either losing or gaining a strong religious faith; becoming involved in some form of political activism the other partner disagrees with; wanting to move a considerable distance away from the current family home (for a job or indeed to return to one's original home country/town); serious disagreement over either having children or the raising of any children you already have...

(I am in no way suggesting that any of these apply to OP's situation - I have no idea whether any of them do or not and it is none of my business).

Overall, though, sometimes it's only meeting a potential new partner which makes people realise that the current relationship is awful and that it cannot be fixed.

[quote Cherry55]@Maze76 yes, two dodgy specimens off the market. They just keep landing on their feet seemingly.[/quote]
...for now! Let's see what the situation is in say 5 years time. I expect you'll be happy in your life either by yourself or with a nice new partner, but not so sure about them!

leaving a partner for abuse, addiction, sexual incompatibility or "radical change in worldview" (I love that one and will recommend it to everyone i meet who is thinking of leaving their spouse!!) - can all be done without overlapping, cheating and hopping out of your marriage into the bed of someone else.................

"Overall, though, sometimes it's only meeting a potential new partner which makes people realise that the current relationship is awful and that it cannot be fixed"

Completely naieve and simplistic view of relationships.

To think that you need someone else to "benchmark" your marriage against and prove that your marriage has irretrievably broken down by comparing your spouse and the other person is fallacious.

The reason why it is such a prevalent belief tho, is because the cheating spouse is not strong enough a person to be alone after the marriage has broken down.

Wreath21, why do I get the distinct impression that you yourself have been the "OW" or "OM" in the past at least once if not more than once............

@bubblesbubbles11

"Overall, though, sometimes it's only meeting a potential new partner which makes people realise that the current relationship is awful and that it cannot be fixed"

Completely naieve and simplistic view of relationships.

To think that you need someone else to "benchmark" your marriage against and prove that your marriage has irretrievably broken down by comparing your spouse and the other person is fallacious.

The reason why it is such a prevalent belief tho, is because the cheating spouse is not strong enough a person to be alone after the marriage has broken down.

Wreath21, why do I get the distinct impression that you yourself have been the "OW" or "OM" in the past at least once if not more than once............

To the best of my knowledge I have never been anyone's side partner (not impossible that I may have had one-night stands with people who had 'official' partners that they did not mention, but that would be there problem, not mine.)

But it really isn't that unusual for people in bad relationships (not just dull ones) not to realise how bad things are until they meet someone else. Sadly sometimes these 'escape' relationships are as bad, if not worse; sometimes they are brief because they have served their purpose.

And yes, some people start affairs because they are manipulative or self-obsessed or because they actually get a kick out of deceit, but the majority of those who do it when the official partner is a basically OK human being, do it because something's wrong in the relationship. The 'something wrong' may just be that monogamy isn't great for a lot of people and of course it is much kinder and more ethical to end one relationship before starting another but not everyone gets that right.

Mind you, sometimes it's the monogamy-fetishists who are the worst betrayers. In their worldview, True Love is all important; they can't accept the fact that there are lots of attractive people out there and monogamy is a conscious choice... every time they slightly fancy someone other than the current partner then that person must really be The One and the previous partner was not The One and must be discarded.

"it's the monogamy-fetishists who are the worst betrayers. In their worldview, True Love is all important; they can't accept the fact that there are lots of attractive people out there and monogamy is a conscious choice."

long term committed relationships (often marriages but not always) usually where ther are children involved, do not have as their foundation what you call "True Love" which I take to mean the infatuation/limerence stage of a relationship.

The point is that it does not have to be a serial behaviour for it to be wrong.
The wrong-ness is the cheating person totally blanking out the people (because it is not just the other spouse, 9 times out of 10 there are multiple people affected) who will suffer serious negative consequences as a result of the cheater leaving for someone else.

Of course there will be negative consequences if the departing spouse leaves to be alone too, but when it is a ""Overall, though, sometimes it's only meeting a potential new partner which makes people realise that the current relationship is awful and that it cannot be fixed" situation the collateral damage is so much worse.

and it is invariably the case that it is the "meeting a potential new partner" which means the "realisation" tha the current relationship is awful is a realisation they come to entirely on their own with no communication or effort to improve the current relationship

Why would they bother trying to work on their marriage once they have decided all on their own that their eyes have been opened to all their spouse's faults by the other person?

I went to a third wedding of DP’s friend. Massive overlap between second and third brides. It was a huge white two day wedding, the groom looked visibly embarrassed and confessed to DP that he’d decided it was just easier to let his bride have what she’d always dreamed of. Some of the groom’s mates had been to all three weddings and there were choice comments made, the bride’s father made a brilliant dig at his new son in law in his speech and the bride did a gushing speech about how they fell in love working abroad and we were all thinking yeah while his wife and kids were back home.

@bubblesbubbles11

and it is invariably the case that it is the "meeting a potential new partner" which means the "realisation" tha the current relationship is awful is a realisation they come to entirely on their own with no communication or effort to improve the current relationship

Why would they bother trying to work on their marriage once they have decided all on their own that their eyes have been opened to all their spouse's faults by the other person?

Sometimes there is no point in trying to improve the current relationship because, however horrible it is to the person wanting to leave, it's entirely satisfactory to the partner. There are loads of threads on here and loads of stories elsewhere of relationships where one partner thinks it's just fine that their married life consists of drudgery and conformity (very often it's men who think that housework is done by invisible pixies, sure...) - or, indeed, constant running around and adventuring that the other partner is becoming exhausted by. A relationship itself shouldn't be 'work'. If it's not making you happy, put an end to it as kindly and fairly as you can. It's not great to do that by actually taking up with someone else, but nor is it inherently terrible.

@bubblesbubbles11 "If the above WAS true then why do you basically NEVER get people in these categories leaving their marriage to be ALONE."

Exactly this. This you could stomach. But so rare. Especially where the person makes no mention of their apparent unhappiness, leaves abruptly because they can't possibly go on anymore (hang on we were laughing our heads off on date night last week)...only to suddenly Shack up with an overlap relationship.

Totally immature, selfish and lust led.

It hardly happens because it takes so much courage to go from ‘this is bearable’ to let me throw everything away and be alone. Ripping your life in half to potentially downsize, lose your family, your home, to sit in a flat night in night out, on your own takes courage.

When there is another branch to swing to (another ready made home, warm bed), it makes letting the last branch go very very very easy. But it is deeply cruel.

About 5 years ago I met a lovely couple (I’m still friends with them). About a year ago they confirmed that they met via work, had an affair on/ off for a few years. Eventually leaving their spouses for one another. I have zero judgement of them and that’s easy for me as I only know the two people in front of me and as their friends I can see their happiness. But I can only imagine the trail of devastation they left in their wake with their ex spouses.

On the one hand I look at how they are together and they give me hope that I too can find love when older. But then knowing that they found each other the way they did makes me think I will end up alone. Because there is no way, on gods green earth, that I would ever get involved with a married/ coupled up/ non available man.

But very few people leave existing marriages without having that branch to swing to. So as much as I hate the morality behind it, I can see why it ends up happening.

I feel for you OP. My ex sneaked off and got married to my ex BF and only told our children after . Even though if was a few years after we split up it hurt like hell. I suppose until then I must have been harbouring a hope he might come back. She stole my lovely easy life while I struggled financially and he bought her all the things I had wanted and visited places I had wanted to go.It was like they were deliberately out to wind me up. They are still together years later but I believe he is a very grumpy old man so at least I was spared that!

@BOOTS52

Thank you Bubblesbubbles 11....long time since someone said I talked sense !! xx am older and wiser and wish had listened to my mum...

I'm the same, my last bf was actually lovely but I went off him physically and now I know i'm just done. Never again will I push water uphill looking for the impossible, a decent attractive man who is good company! at 51? please! the needle in the haystack is not going to be found and I'm not going to waste my life looking. I have felt so much more content since I stopped looking. Looking / hoping is a curse.

Cherry55 Sun 13-Feb-22 08:44:21 I could have written that myself. Especially the "hang on we were laughing our heads off on date night last week" bit.

My ex was grumpy before he left but it always seemed to be around issues at work which I listened to him about endlessly, we were spending lots of time together and building a next step up home (££) in the weeks/months before he left.
He left for the single 13 years younger colleague at his work (no kids, there followed global jet set holidays with her for several years after).
sandgrown - in my case we had only ever been on holiday to cheap places because we were building something - so your Sun 13-Feb-22 09:28:03 resonates.

I think if Wreath21 were looking at my ex husband she would conclude he had "changed his World View" and was therefore justfied in leaving me and our two kids (age 4 and 5 at the time) for this single fun seeking lady!

Some years on they are now married and have a 2 year old toddler. Apparently they fight frequently because she does not want to look after the child and frequently leaves it with my ex husband so she can go out to the pub......................

a decent attractive man who is good company! at 51? please! the needle in the haystack is not going to be found and I'm not going to waste my life looking. I have felt so much more content since I stopped looking

See the above resonates with me. Yes it can be lonely and yes it has pissed me off at times that I have been left with all the childcare/bills/stress of moving house out of the family home all on my own etc - BUT some evenings (like last night) after the kids are in bed and the house is the way i want it - to slip into a bath which goes on for as long as I want and watch what I want on the TV for as long as i want and then go to sleep in a bed all to myself knowing that Sunday will be exactly as I want it......................
there are defo some upsides :) :)

@bubblesbubbles11 yup. I don't miss his endless soliloquy after each working day!

Good. I think once the honeymoon is over, they are left with the mundane. However, this time it's the mundane with the additional complications they have left behind. No relationship can be an endless trail of butterflies and so many miss good on the pursuit of unsustainable amazing.