A classic: EXH marrying OW

[Cherry55]

Just discovered Exh is marrying OW.

Yes, it has been 4 years or so, the dust has settled although horrific divorce is only one and a half years done. They are both terrible people and he is a cheating lying cheat that cheats and lies and she was an ex friend that was biding her time to weevil in there with her mucky little mitts and bag of insecurities.

I've been treated appallingly, he caused so much grief and hurt and totally blindsided me and took pretty much all my money. It has taken a lot of therapy but I was feeling rather indifferent for quite a while...then BOOM.

Why does it feel so rubbish?

A lot of behaviour has come from his own father. Interesting. Probably true that with some people there is always something a bit broken

@willweevergetthere

They have to get married. They need the world to validate their relationship. They need people to come to their wedding, give them gifts and play happy to justify their shitty behaviour. We were awful people but it's alright because we're getting married so it must be real. Everyone and I mean everyone at that wedding will be thinking it's a farce. What's the point of making vows when everyone knows you made and broke the same vows before. It becomes meaningless.

My brother is about to marry his OW and nobody going thinks it's a good idea.

I often wonder what his and her family think. I know she's spun a line to hers...although I know some of her family know the truth...the issue of cheating where you have previous contacts.

But I bet a lot of families go along with it all because its the done thing.

Just remember that when they make their vowels a lot of people in the congregation will be giggling quietly that he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants the first time so why will he the second time.

I went away for the weekend with girlfriends as I was child free (no way was I staying around to get our kids ready for his wedding so he had them the day and night before). My girlfriends and I drunk wine and had the most fantastic weekend laughing and eating.

Thanks everyone. You're making me feel so much better.

"They have to get married. They need the world to validate their relationship. They need people to come to their wedding, give them gifts and play happy to justify their shitty behaviour."

This bit. Both are almost obsessive about how they appear outwardly. I guess making it "official" is somehow proof to the world it was meant to be, legitimises their behaviour. He's a shape-shifting twat that believes the world owes him becaude of his humble upbringing and she's just a very emotionally weak and selfish woman.

I'd love to know what the few friends left in his side think of this. Maybe doesn't matter.

But You're all right. They are building a mansion on mud foundations.

I wish there were no children involved as it kills hearing about their jolly time over at theirs, but at least they are with me mostly. Life is generally OK now, harder but not terrible and I have my dignity and morals intact.

I just hope the cake collapses or something

Selfish people do selfish things. Getting married in your village is not about you, it's about what they want and they won't have even thought it's a shitty thing to do. Because it's what they want.

My ex did this. We got married in St Lucia, him and ow got married in Antigua, we wanted a certain type of dog and was going to call it max, they got that dog and called it Max. I did hear from a friend a few years ago and apparently he treats her just as badly as he treated me.

They deserve each other. They get to live on eggshells, knowing that they or the other is quite capable of deception and adultery. Fuck em!!!!

Have you ever watched Dr Foster? It's very good and nuanced about an affair and may feel a little cathartic

He will cheat on her. It's just a matter of time.

When my ExH cheated on me, I can remember thinking, that if he could cheat on his wife and the mother of his children (me), that he would definitely cheat on whatever woman came after me.

I left him due to the cheating. The first serious partner he had after me (they lived together for 4 years), he cheated on. That went South, and he is now living with another woman who is lovely. They've been together about 6 years, and he has cheated on her too. Might still be doing so, for all I know. I met her for the 1st time recently, and I know this sounds weird, but she looked so fucking sad. I suspect I know why.

ExH left 8 years ago. We have two DCs. He subsequently married the OW and they have two more (despite him saying no more initially!), one born only a few months ago. Mine are now 12 and 14. Next week, I’m going on a romantic break for two to the Canary Islands with my boyfriend to celebrate his 50th. DCs will be with ExH and wife. Even my younger one said, ‘Dad’s going to have 4 kids!’ when we found out he was having his 4th. The first two years blindsided me. But I know whose life I rather have now! Freedom beckons…

Another for the post by @BOOTS52 tbh.

I’m in my 40’s. One divorce down. Then I met someone who I fell head over heels with and he was a nasty piece of work. He had his next lady lined up before I binned him (whom I didn’t know about when I binned him).

I predict marriage and babies (he’s late 40’s). He’s aging, losing his looks and will do what it takes to secure her.

I’ve been single for 6 months now. Feel peace I haven’t felt in years. All my time is spent with my (teen) children, my girlfriends and my hobbies. I have no intention to bring another man into my life and a dog to snuggle up to is on the list. I’m utterly content with my lot in life.

I’d far prefer my life. 😬

I don't think I have! Need a new binge

@TwoBoysTooMany76 sound lovely. Have a fab time.

I'm afraid ive been left with the kids, and my parter who is lovely has kids. We have our child free weekends and thoroughly enjoy them, but my ex is the one with absolutely no true responsibility and freedom. However I'd still prefer having the kids!

@Cherry55 I think you have the best of both worlds! I certainly do. And your kids will get older.

My two were only 5 and 3 when he left and I could not see at all how I could have a relationship without them meeting my boyfriend/partner and I made the mistake of introducing them to my first serious boyfriend out of my marriage. My current boyfriend is only the second man they have met (dated lots in between!) but I keep them very separate.

Now, I can leave them easily with friends or they are happy to stay home for a couple of hours or go and meet friends while I go and meet my boyfriend (he lives only a couple of miles away). It’s lovely 🥰.

Your time will come! And the relationship you have with your children will be priceless.

It does hurt - but the hurt doesn't last.

Especially if as in my case they make each other completely and utterly miserable then it's quite amusing

It is grief for the life you thought you had/would have, sadness at feeling betrayed/duped.

But honestly it does get easier

Oh and he did and continues to cheat on her too.

It’s all smoke and mirrors. We see the portrayal of a perfect life, loves young dream etc.. and it’s very rarely the case.

So true I was just discussing with my mum the other day how at the time I was crying on her shoulder and she was telling me "don't believe the marketing hype!" And she was absolutely right! I didn't find out for a few years but boy it all came out eventually!

As for the village wedding, they will be bricking it you will stand up in church when they ask that question of the congregation

My ex propositioned ME the night before their wedding. He knew I'd read the message and not responded. I heard some months later he was SHITTING himself the whole of their wedding day in case I dropped him in it!

And yes even with this I failed to see all was not rosey!

but if you look at her Instagram, you’d think they’re the most lived up, wholesome couple there ever was.

Ohhh yes I had that, their Facebook relationship bore no resemblance to the actual one except they have a joint profile (because she couldn't trust him with his own!). They've blocked me years ago. Not because of anything I did but because I caught him out announcing his work promotion that he hadn't declared and I contacted Csa about it!

This is just itching for someone to put a nice big banner on your house in view of the venue. Preferably with a reference to the DH's micropenis...

Or even just a pass agg "congratulations from the ex"

I often wonder what his and her family think

I found this out initially from HER mother! (We're about the same age!) and then later also my now ex mil (ex had REALLY cocked up on something relating to dd and i got told a LOT that day as did she - ex had made out the situation was my fault, ex Mil called to give me an earful and then I corrected her and a lot of other stuff came out! It was a most illuminating conversation for both of us!)

Ex and ow had tried to make out both families were totally fine about everything...they absolutely definitely weren't! His brother still isn't speaking to him it's been nearly 20 years (not just cos of our split but how he behaved with everyone in the aftermath)

This bit. Both are almost obsessive about how they appear outwardly.

My ex is the same but always has been. He always wants to look the good guy and hates if people know anything negative about him. Ow getting pregnant while we were still very much married put paid to that!

Your time will come! And the relationship you have with your children will be priceless.

Op my dd is now 21, we have the most amazing close relationship, she barely tolerates her dad when she has to. That saddens me for her sake but it's all his doing I did all I could to keep him in her life he cba!

He and ow now have 6 kids together but from what I hear each one represents an affair. The 1st one theirs the next 5 him cheating on her apparently.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 sounds like you've figured it out!

I'm I guess super traditional so my marriage was for always (to me!). He obliterated that. I've been privileged with stability my whole life so this hit me hard and now even having a boyfriend at 40 odd feels ridiculous!! There is no way I can see myself living with him anytime soon. Whereas my ex has walked out of one house to another and is setting himself up nicely. It's true it's probably half fake but I suppose I begrudge him of how easy it has been for him to create a life where I have been left with the unknown.

@Cherry55 you are allowed to grieve for your marriage and what it represented. But not for him. No one can predict the future. The traditional marriage doesn’t equal happiness. You should see enough evidence of that around you! My boyfriend is not the marrying sort and I much rather enjoy our relationship than worry about what other people think or obsess about getting married again… Enjoy the present, that’s all we have and totally true.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 oh crikey, no not for him. He doesn't deserve a single slot of headspace, the rat. But I'm insulted at the discard of our marriage, and insulted at the thought of him marrying again with such a loose attitude to commitment.

@Cherry55 good! You are allowed to feel that. I remember being upset when I found out his wife was pregnant with their first. Because I felt angry my babies were literally being replaced. And he didn’t enjoy the drudgery of the baby stage in the first place. And he gets to do it all over again! With a new, improved wife. How dare he? It’s very natural all those feelings.

I worked through all those feelings. And we now all rubbed along nicely. What’s most important are my DCs are thriving and never felt they had to choose between us. And I re-built my career, bought my house which has given me an immense sense of stability and have a lovely relationship now. But it took many years (and quite a lot of therapy!) to get here.

You dodged a bullet. Hold onto that❤❤❤

Sorry OP. It's not what we dream of when we get married is it. I would be hurting too.

@user1471530109

OP, my xh and OW are marrying next week. I find it quite ridiculous that two people that cheated on their spouses are marrying again to be honest. Having the big wedding etc. And guess what? They are getting married in MY FUCKING VILLAGE! Who does that? Messed up bastards. I can see the venue from my house

I honestly don't find it hurts. The idea if them.marrying I mean. Which I'm taking as a good sign for me. It stings that he's moved on so quickly when the DC have struggled so much. I just hope one of them cheats again to be honest so the other party can feel that pain.

Oh how tempting would it be to hire someone to go there, wait until she is entering the venue and throw red paint all over her? Just some random person, not associated with you, make sure they are a fast runner...

Gives you a giggle.

Echo what PP have said in that you dodged a bullet there. I changed jobs last year and on a work night out, somehow talk got round to how people had met their partners. One of the people there started her story by explaining it was "tainted" because they had met while married (to other people, obviously!) The whole thing was very awkward to listen to and I felt sorry for this person as she surely couldn't have missed the deathly hush that descended over the table as she explained it all.

They may well have found happiness but there'll always be a little cloud there, surely?

Yes everyone will always judge how they met.
There is no escaping that.
Their 'happiness' is at other people's expense.

Being dumped is never nice; being dumped for someone else is even less nice, that's just the way it goes sometimes. Unfortunately some people marry too young or marry the wrong person - not a terrible person but someone who is just 'ok' because there is so much emphasis on progressing from dating to marriage, so too many people get married because, well, this person will do - then they meet someone else who is a better fit for them.
Don't fret about it OP. Focus on what you want for yourself and your DC out of the rest of your lives.

Wreath21

I think your reference to "then they meet someone else who is a better fit for them." is part of the problem in society and the prevalence of that type of thought is one of the reasons why certain people leave their spouse for someone else.

No doubt there is some degree of "compatibility" about the success or otherwise of long term relationships. But there is an equal and opposite very damaging type of thought process that some people are "meant" to be together and some just are not.
I don't believe that. I am more of the school of thought of "the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, the grass is greenest where you water it" i.e. factors in whether a relationship works or not is much more to do with how much effort each partner puts into the relationship than how much of a "fit" they are to each other.