A classic: EXH marrying OW

[Cherry55]

Just discovered Exh is marrying OW.

Yes, it has been 4 years or so, the dust has settled although horrific divorce is only one and a half years done. They are both terrible people and he is a cheating lying cheat that cheats and lies and she was an ex friend that was biding her time to weevil in there with her mucky little mitts and bag of insecurities.

I've been treated appallingly, he caused so much grief and hurt and totally blindsided me and took pretty much all my money. It has taken a lot of therapy but I was feeling rather indifferent for quite a while...then BOOM.

Why does it feel so rubbish?

Thankfully my exH's ow turned out to be a controlling nightmare with a prescription drug habit so he cheated on her and moved on, so I was spared the spectacle of two cheaters making vows they clearly don't believe in.

You usually find there's a lot of show though, my ex isn't happy with his latest relationship, such a shame.

Yep, I’ve got to agree with the consensus that they’re terrible people, better off with one another than let loose on more innocent partners, and using smoke and mirrors to hide their dysfunction.

My estranged, not yet ex husband is apparently proposing to his pregnant OW this weekend. In Paris, which is where he proposed to me. This is his second proposal to her. For his first, he used a ring he bought me to add to my engagement, wedding and eternity rings on my wedding finger, that he then stole from my house after he moved out. He’s missing holiday contact with our children to go on this holiday. We’re currently in court fighting over contact with the children because he wants more, and I disagree because his girlfriend is violent and my 7 year old recently called 999 because of the level of violence displayed by OW. Yep, he’s fighting me for more access despite not fulfilling the access he currently has, and getting engaged despite still being married (and deliberately stalling our divorce whilst he squanders all cash and assets). He is also still cheating - he put his video doorbell on our daughter’s phone, and it went off the other night at 1:26am, letting in a young woman whilst his girlfriend was in Scotland visiting her mother. It’s an utter shitshow, but if you look at her Instagram, you’d think they’re the most lived up, wholesome couple there ever was.

They have to get married. They need the world to validate their relationship. They need people to come to their wedding, give them gifts and play happy to justify their shitty behaviour.
We were awful people but it's alright because we're getting married so it must be real.
Everyone and I mean everyone at that wedding will be thinking it's a farce. What's the point of making vows when everyone knows you made and broke the same vows before. It becomes meaningless.

My brother is about to marry his OW and nobody going thinks it's a good idea.

Op, I’ve been there. I’m very happily married now (more so than my marriage to exdh) and when I heard they’d got married I didn’t feel a much but a little bit of anger because they don’t seem to have any consequences. They are the same (we call them the Teflon 2) nothing ever sticks! It does get easier and other pp’s are right - it’s never as shiny as it looks. Allow yourself to feel whatever is coming and maybe start a journal? Write down all the dark/ugly thoughts and all the things you know you can’t say to other people or them and then cut it up or burn it. Sometimes just getting it out of your head and into the world helps and stops the thoughts going round and round.

In Paris, which is where he proposed to me. This is his second proposal to her. For his first, he used a ring he bought me to add to my engagement, wedding and eternity rings on my wedding finger, that he then stole from my house after he moved out.

Yes, my ex did a lot of things with the OW which were exact replicas of what he did with me in terms of courtship, engagement and marriage from going to the exact same restaurants to repeating details of proposal to be identical to his proposal to me.

It is so weird - it really does feel like some kind of crisis - like they only know one way of doing these things and the person in question is weirdly irrelevant - or basically it is all about them and the OW is part of their crisis experience. So weird!

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP, happened to me last year but I didn’t actually give a shit. Hope the hurt stops soon

@bubblesbubbles11

In Paris, which is where he proposed to me. This is his second proposal to her. For his first, he used a ring he bought me to add to my engagement, wedding and eternity rings on my wedding finger, that he then stole from my house after he moved out.

Yes, my ex did a lot of things with the OW which were exact replicas of what he did with me in terms of courtship, engagement and marriage from going to the exact same restaurants to repeating details of proposal to be identical to his proposal to me.

It is so weird - it really does feel like some kind of crisis - like they only know one way of doing these things and the person in question is weirdly irrelevant - or basically it is all about them and the OW is part of their crisis experience. So weird!

They can never escape the previous life. When my exhusband and new wife had a baby daughter the doctors were worried about the baby's blood sugar. Our youngest son has type 1 so my ex knew all about what the scores they were giving meant and how bad it was. The type 1 gene is from my family. We have someone in every generation who has it. My brother has it. It all kicked off because he told them about his son and they thought this baby was from the same gene pool and had it too. He had to stand in the delivery room , in front of wife 2 and explain all about his first family. I would imagine that slightly took the sheen off the experience.

Of course it would make you feel some emotion as you are human after all. Just think you had a lucky escape now and not later in life. They will not be happy in the long run as there will be no trust at all in that relationship. Some people are just cruel and seems they are both the same nasty. Get some treats in and put your feet up and think of all the good things ahead in your life that makes you happy. Get yourself a dog if you do not already have one as they are great company and would prefer my dog snuggled to me than any man. 52 and staying single as had enough of men and their emotional abuse and crap. Used to believe in love and always thought needed a man as that is how we were conditioned growing up, now prefer the drama free life. Take up something new and exciting just for you. You will be ok as you sound lovely and normal emotions you are feeling. Wishing you well.

His baby didn't have diabetes.

Angelina

He had to stand in the delivery room , in front of wife 2 and explain all about his first family. I would imagine that slightly took the sheen off the experience.

except if he is anything like my ex, they are bizarrely shameless about everything. For me the hurt and anger has definitely reduced substantially, it only really rears its ugly head when his behaviour affects the young children who I had with him and who live with me.
But the absolute shameless blank faced thick skinned nature of his day to day behaviour has always totally and genuinely confused me. The fact that a human can literally "rinse and repeat" their life (and often very very quickly) just "because".

Maybe he and I were always polar opposite people in that respect (and therefore his bu*gering off was and is a good thing!)

I'm waiting for this with my ex husband and ex friend he left me for

From what I've been told their relationship is a pretty dodgy one so time will tell

Op it will hurt as you are still grieving for what you thought you had

BOOTS52 talks a lot of sense.

I'm really sorry @Cherry55. It must be very difficult for you.

I am put in mind of a sentence at the end of Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park" - 'it may be reasonably supposed that their tempers became their mutual punishment.' I daresay they will end up hating each other. Not that that's much comfort but it seems quite likely.

I wish you all the best for happy times ahead of you. x

Thank you Bubblesbubbles 11....long time since someone said I talked sense !! xx am older and wiser and wish had listened to my mum...

[quote Cherry55]@Maze76 yes, two dodgy specimens off the market. They just keep landing on their feet seemingly.[/quote]
Your last comment explains why you feel as you do tbh. You want (quite naturally) for some revenge, for them to suffer some. Its natural to want ppl who have caused you pain to have some kind of consequences to their actions and when they seem to get off 'scot free' it's infuriating.

BUT they will never be able to fully trust each other due to their past behaviour. Every time there's a situation where they might need trust one another it'll be in the back of their minds because of how they started out. That's their punishment for hurting others. Imagine having to have that in your head from day one and for the rest of your marriage. Be satisfied that they've earned each other

@Cherry55
My ex husband married OW the minute divorce came through .
My solicitor showed me husband’s diary where “ Fertility clinic” was mentioned
OW was ghastly, much older than me by 12 yrs and an utter cow
However
They divorced within 2 yrs
No kids ( luckily)
I felt schadenfreude ( spelling?)
It may well not work out.

It's all perspective, isn't it?

I lso discovered today that exh is marrying the OW later on this year. He messaged to give advance warning that our daughter will be receiving an invite through the post. As a courtesy, not because he thought I'd be upset.

I replied congratulations and that I was really pleased for him.

I genuinely am.

We all deserve to he happy and he is clearly happy with her.

I'd rather he was marrying her than realise that all the shit had been for nothing! Life is short.

My ex got someone pregnant while I was 7months pregnant, three weeks after I kicked him out. I was mortified to be associated to this OW as that was her 4th kid to a 4th dad and had a reputation. Then they went on to have another all while I'm a young, single parent and he didn't bother with either of our kids yet here he was playing happy families. Or so I thought. Apparently baby #4 for her actually turned out to be my ex's cousins baby (he was also in a relationship elsewhere)... Even though I kicked him out because I didn't want to be with the lazy, lying waste of space, it still hurt because you imagined a life together and its frustrating and confusing when it goes to shit. When my baby was 3 months old, he posted a three page begging letter through my door through night... THAT gave me so much closure. That instantly gave me some power back and the feeling of weird rejection went away. I imagined them to be so happy together... But they weren't. At all. They kept the charade up as she wanted to spite me so I was told. Eventually she got a restraining order against him and he's now onto baby #god knows with another woman.

Basically, imo you never got closure. But just because they're getting married, doesn't mean it's a bed of roses. Most people who cheat, in my experience, do their best to keep the 'happy us' charade up once the initial excitement and gossip stops, to try to prove they're meant for each other and it was all worth it.

You've gone through so much, it's human to feel hurt from old wounds, even when you think they're healed. But one day you won't care. Maybe even next week, next month, once the shock of them getting married sinks in. Keep your head up and make them both irrelevant. They're not your business anymore and I hope you find peace.

my ex h got together with OW with whom he had clearly been with before leaving me (although I did not realise it till after he had gone).
Once our divorce was finalised (took 3 years) and our family home sold, after about a year after that he got OW pregnant.
I am guessing it was his idea as much as anything because at that stage he was late 40s and she is 13 yrs younger than him and he realised he did not want to be a geriatric dad.

They then got married when she was 6 months pregnant.
It all seemed a bit like a hole he started digging and just kept on digging......

OP - I imagine it will always hurt. I was in the same situation but ex and ow are not married but I expect it is only a matter of time. They don't live together after 2 years but she has the fun life I had. He has a massive brand new house while I have our ex marital home that need work doing on it and no matter how hard I try to see the positives, it is annoying. He gets free time away from our DD's and they have all the child free time and holidays and nights our and sleep - she left her kids and husband.

But then I realise I've got these 2 beautiful girls who rely on me and it might not be perfect but it's my house. And I've got a nice new DP who makes me happy and I'm on the moral high ground. I win. But I still hope they're miserable as sin and live a miserable life forever

@user1471530109

OP, my xh and OW are marrying next week. I find it quite ridiculous that two people that cheated on their spouses are marrying again to be honest. Having the big wedding etc. And guess what? They are getting married in MY FUCKING VILLAGE! Who does that? Messed up bastards. I can see the venue from my house

I honestly don't find it hurts. The idea if them.marrying I mean. Which I'm taking as a good sign for me. It stings that he's moved on so quickly when the DC have struggled so much. I just hope one of them cheats again to be honest so the other party can feel that pain.

This is just itching for someone to put a nice big banner on your house in view of the venue. Preferably with a reference to the DH's micropenis...

@willweevergetthere

They have to get married. They need the world to validate their relationship. They need people to come to their wedding, give them gifts and play happy to justify their shitty behaviour. We were awful people but it's alright because we're getting married so it must be real. Everyone and I mean everyone at that wedding will be thinking it's a farce. What's the point of making vows when everyone knows you made and broke the same vows before. It becomes meaningless.

My brother is about to marry his OW and nobody going thinks it's a good idea.

This!!

To love and cherish forsaking all others 🤥

It's just a temporary punch to the stomach, eventually it won't hurt as much, and you can one day look forward to her turbulent divorce... 😊

@Casper001

It's awful because there is no justice. People act terribly, rewrite history and will often blame the other side (that's men and women). The wronged party is then sometimes ostracised as well.

You just have to hope karma catches up with them and you have to live your own life. Far easier to say than do but you have my every sympathy OP

Exactly this

It’s a shock when you first hear about it. Take time to process and accept it and keep your mind busy with other things. I’ve been there, and it really hurt, but in the end I realised that his remarriage represented the absolute end of our marriage and made me feel completely free of him.