Cannot communicate with DH , I’m so unhappy

[MRS54321]

I’ve been with DH for around 15 years. 6 married, one DC

I’ve often found him to be a “difficult “ man , owing to the fact that he suffers greatly from anxiety , and for years I “let him off “ or normalised his behaviours/quirks/ticks/obsessions ..
Since having DC ,my eyes are wide open to his issues and how deeply they have affected my life.

Amongst the many issues we have, a huge one is communication.
I cannot talk to or ask him about anything without a show down
So I realised for years, I would not even ask him if he knew where my keys where because it just was not worth the effort
But since having DC I now HAVE to rely on him and discuss things: and I just cannot be bothered with him and his “issues” anymore ..

• recently I’m failing to see anything I like about him , but I’m trying at least whist the DC is young.

I cannot ask him anything when he arrives in form work as “ he’s just in from work!”
if he’s doing another job , he cracks up when he’s disturbed and cannot take any direction
If I ask him to do something which he wasn’t planning , he is unhappy and lists the things that he DOES do..

Tonight, ( after informing me that I’m in a bad mood as soon as he walks in the door-a guaranteed way to actually PUT me in a bad mood) I asked him to fix a messy item in the home ,which he had broken. And I had to establish how much cleaning and where to clean up,after he’s finished. This has lead to an argument : he thinks I’m nit picking or trying to catch him out ( a common reply) when actually, I’m just trying o establish where in my house do I need to defrost because a: the job was gross b: we have small DC and c: he had clearly not thought to do so
I didn’t say any of the reasons ( which I think are quite reasonable ) as he kept cutting me off so I gave up.

He doesn’t like when I ask sweetly/nicely ( I’m condescending) He doesn’t like it when I ask flatly ( I’m not being nice about it)

Often , I have to text him lists of anything that needs done or I need to ask him.
This isn’t a practical way to spend our lives.
Me: tiptoeing around asking something as simple as “ have you seen that letter that was on the ta so yesterday?” or just not asking at all

• he refuses marriage therapy and also ADHD diagnosis

I’m so deeply unhappy every single day. He is unhappy too, but thinks he’s trying. But it feels like small tokens , so he can carry on and not have to change anything about himself

Any practical advice? Not just “ he’s rubbish leave him” as ever

• clean, not defrost

This sounds a nightmare and quite familiar. My husband has made himself into such an awkward arse it is easier not to ask him for help at all, even with basic things. He also (like yours) has repainted himself as so on the back foot and 'got at' that every request or question is me getting at him.

He acts a very wounded man but as far as I can see it is me doing everything still.

Oh yeah sorry, practical advice: make a chart which labels clearly what are his jobs when and stick it up. Also portion out free/down time on it.

@orangechurchbells on no what do you do? Do you just give up? I don’t understand the wounded part they act? But I know exactly what you mean

He has a whiteboard, but he checks it for about a week then never again..

I’m so deeply unhappy every single day.
You’ve said you don’t want the advice to leave him, but… how long do you want to be so deeply unhappy every single day? Another year? Five years? 10? How long are you willing to be bone-deep miserable?

@stuntbubbles I just thought it was worth trying for DC to see if DH would attempt to change at all

@MRS54321 reading this it sounds like you are feeling exactly how my soon to be ex-DP says they have felt for a couple of years. I recognise myself in your descriptions of you DH. Highly stressed, highly anxious, already thinking I was doing enough when in reality I was a nightmare (was also (not) coping with recent death of parent).
Ex-DP left it until they were at breaking point to tell me we were done. Enough to make me go to counselling/therapy (am now 7 months into weekly sessions),sit up & take notice. Make changes. Get some medication for anxiety and make lifestyle changes advised by dr. I feel a new person!!! Unfortunately for me DP now says they had already "checked out" & has since had an affair.
Please please do not leave it until you get to this point.

He refuses marriage counselling, refuses to pursue a diagnosis, presumably refuses therapy, refuses to be kind to you, refuses to bend or compromise in any way… he’s not going to change. He doesn’t want to. You’ll wear yourself out pummelling yourself against this intractability, or walking on eggshells around it. Leave and be free and happy.

@Creamfirst22 I would love for him to make changes but he’s afraid and prideful of hearing that HE is the problem …

I think about leaving so much @stuntbubbles but my little DC may see his DF less and MIL would be broken hearted.
I just don’t know how to convince him? But I suppose you are right: he just doesn’t want to change.
I keep making escuses for him his anxiety/adhd but sometimes I just think he’s a nasty bastard ans I’m an idiot for not seeing it ,for so long

[quote MRS54321]@Creamfirst22 I would love for him to make changes but he’s afraid and prideful of hearing that HE is the problem …[/quote]
Could you go to counselling alone? It might give you the space, time and someone not emotionally involved to explore how you feel and whether you can go on this way? If you decide not it might be that it could help to find ways of communicating this and helping to unlock some of his behaviours?

@MRS54321 I could have written your post word for word! Unfortunately I haven’t got any useful advice, I am recently separated.

I persevered for years, exh just couldn’t see past himself and put our children behind his needs. He doesn’t believe he is in the wrong, doesn’t notice anything going on around him. It’s really tough for you, I tried and tried and nothing changed

I think if you initiate splitting he may then be prepared to do some therapy etc but until then he won't because as you say he refuses to accept he is part of the problem.

@Creamfirst22 yes in theory , but again that just me, finding new ways to accommodate him rather than him actually help himself ( or me)

Any practical advice? Not just “ he’s rubbish leave him” as ever

What do you expect people to advise? You're miserable. Your marriage is a nightmare, and you're married to a sullen, useless man child who will never, ever change. Of course the proper advice is to leave him. Why on earth would you stay? To be miserable for the rest of your life? It really, truly, doesn't have to be this way, you can make the choice to refuse to live this way.

@Funkychicken54321 I’m sorry to hear that. Are you happy(ier) now ?

I think they do know what they're doing. My ex was like this for years until I got so fed up I almost completely withdrew from him. At which point he couldn't have been nicer. In other words he chose to be like that because it got him out of having to help me practically and support me emotionally. It also meant I tiptoed round him and jollied him along.

[quote MRS54321]@stuntbubbles I just thought it was worth trying for DC to see if DH would attempt to change at all[/quote]
Why would he?

What's in it for him?

I know it's easy for all of us to say LTB but really, you must.

What are your circumstances? Can you afford to separate?

Absolutely, I wish I had done it sooner. I feel really angry at his behaviour but I am learning to accept he won’t change. If he was prepared to change or put our children first we would t be in this situation now

@Pinkyantelope I’ve completed withdrew from him. I’ve told him several times that I have.
But he just sees us as “happy” if we’re not arguing right that second
He also told me he knew he wasn’t pulling his weight , at times - whereas as I was giving him to benefit of the doubt , but I actually front know what to believe now - as I think he’d rather say he’s just a prick rather than “ I have a disorder that makes life and instructions a bit difficult “

If your husband isn't interested enough to see his child then that's on him. Not nice to see but not your responsibility.

As far as MiL is concerned, if you have a good relationship with her she can still see your DC. That's not an unusual situation

Oh god, get out of that prison…. He is gaslighting you.

I don't think there is any advice to change him if he won't seek any kind of help, accept any way of being asked for things or notice your feelings, I'm afraid.

@Nanny0gg I’d need to move away and probably give up my job
I do have savings

I feel like MY life would be harder ( for different reasons) but he’d be back, dating and living a feckless life within about a month 🙄

Op.. my husband has adhd. We do struggle with communication (on Both sides - I was brought up never to make a fuss, he was brought up to keep everything in) but he has put so much effort in to making things better for us and our family. There was a point I would have just dropped it all and left and he was almost unbearable to live with. But he got his diagnosis. He found ways around it. He sets alarms, writes lists, double checks things, has a calendar with everything in it, does things when he has energy (ie does washing during the day) instead of procrastinating and then not doing it, makes himself little routines to follow every day. He really has to try hard but he does it because he knows what his behaviour/adhd is like, and he tries to mitigate the effects of it for me and dd.

It's possible to change if he wants to. It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to. I'm not sure I could live like this.