Cannot communicate with DH , I’m so unhappy

[MRS54321]

I’ve been with DH for around 15 years. 6 married, one DC

I’ve often found him to be a “difficult “ man , owing to the fact that he suffers greatly from anxiety , and for years I “let him off “ or normalised his behaviours/quirks/ticks/obsessions ..
Since having DC ,my eyes are wide open to his issues and how deeply they have affected my life.

Amongst the many issues we have, a huge one is communication.
I cannot talk to or ask him about anything without a show down
So I realised for years, I would not even ask him if he knew where my keys where because it just was not worth the effort
But since having DC I now HAVE to rely on him and discuss things: and I just cannot be bothered with him and his “issues” anymore ..

• recently I’m failing to see anything I like about him , but I’m trying at least whist the DC is young.

I cannot ask him anything when he arrives in form work as “ he’s just in from work!”
if he’s doing another job , he cracks up when he’s disturbed and cannot take any direction
If I ask him to do something which he wasn’t planning , he is unhappy and lists the things that he DOES do..

Tonight, ( after informing me that I’m in a bad mood as soon as he walks in the door-a guaranteed way to actually PUT me in a bad mood) I asked him to fix a messy item in the home ,which he had broken. And I had to establish how much cleaning and where to clean up,after he’s finished. This has lead to an argument : he thinks I’m nit picking or trying to catch him out ( a common reply) when actually, I’m just trying o establish where in my house do I need to defrost because a: the job was gross b: we have small DC and c: he had clearly not thought to do so
I didn’t say any of the reasons ( which I think are quite reasonable ) as he kept cutting me off so I gave up.

He doesn’t like when I ask sweetly/nicely ( I’m condescending) He doesn’t like it when I ask flatly ( I’m not being nice about it)

Often , I have to text him lists of anything that needs done or I need to ask him.
This isn’t a practical way to spend our lives.
Me: tiptoeing around asking something as simple as “ have you seen that letter that was on the ta so yesterday?” or just not asking at all

• he refuses marriage therapy and also ADHD diagnosis

I’m so deeply unhappy every single day. He is unhappy too, but thinks he’s trying. But it feels like small tokens , so he can carry on and not have to change anything about himself

Any practical advice? Not just “ he’s rubbish leave him” as ever

Sorry but leave him. Life's too short, he will never change and you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
i tried everything to keep my marriage together for 20 years but when I'd finally had enough it was a blessing from heaven - such a relief.
I simply cannot imagine why I stuck it for so long.

@girafferafferaffe that’s great you were able to deal with it
It’s such an ongoing issue now I’m afraid he’ll do it all and I simply couldn’t be bothered to deal with it a minute longer.
I’ve tried lists. And notebooks. And texts reminding.
I can pretty much deal with all of it, it’s just the arguing back with me even when he knows he’s over reacting or wrong I can’t deal with
How did your DP get a diagnosis? Did you have to march him to Gp? Did he recognise his behaviour was abnormal?

It’s not ADHD or anxiety, it’s being an arsehole. I mean, he might very well have ADHD and anxiety — but he’s also got being an arsehole on top.

DP has ADHD, only diagnosed as an adult. Anxiety too, and depression. He’s also very lovely and kind and does all the gruesome household jobs like clearing the gunky sink trap and the dishwasher filter, and does 50/50 nursery runs, and keeps us stocked up on Migraleve because I get migraines. He is kind. And he doggedly goes to his medication reviews and has therapy and puts reminders in his phone, and sometimes has arsehole moments because he’s human, but on the whole I, he and we are happy.

It’s not the ADHD or other issue that’s the issue.

Divorce

How old is your child? Living in a household where one parent is tiptoeing around the other doesn't make for a nice, happy childhood.
If your husband really refuses to change, you have two options. Continue to live this unhappy, frustrating life, your child picking up on this stuff, or leave and bring up your son in a happy home where he can thrive and learn from good behaviour examples.

Tonight, ( after informing me that I’m in a bad mood as soon as he walks in the door-a guaranteed way to actually PUT me in a bad mood)

I think that's projection. He was in a bad mood but he doesn't want to own those feelings.

I can understand you want a solution but he has to want it. I also know that you need to know you have done everything. Can I suggest you read books on emotional abuse, Why does he do that or Patricia Evsns, the verbally abusive relationship.

Keep a journal, write down all the incidents, note how often there are bad days. It may help you see that you are doing everything if you can but the direction is downward.

There is a physical cost to your health as stress and unhappiness well inpact you.

Sorry, but what do you expect?

I can see why you would want to make it work, but he's so extreme that I don't think you actually can.

He sounds neurotic. I totally understand when he gets in the house that he might need a quiet 30mins to decompress in quiet, but it's so much more than that.

With people like this, it's not the way you're asking, it's the fact that you're asking at all. What he actually wants is for you to be quiet as a mouse and not place any demands on him. It either comes from a place or neuroticism (where they clearly can't cope with any disruptions, mishaps, unpredictability or stress without having a meltdown or a sulk. Or, it comes from sexism, chauvinism and arrogance where he doesn't want plebs disturbing his Lordship with anything.

I think he’d rather say he’s just a prick rather than ''I have a disorder that makes life and instructions a bit difficult

Or you could be both. There are plenty of people that are this way that don't have disorders, or who have this personality along with a disorder...what would do then?

I think diagnosis is actually more for you, than for him isn't it? It makes the fact that someone has shitty personality traits more digestible as you then can say that's he's sort of ill rather than just bog standard rubbish. It allows you to forgive that person more maybe for the way they are and not deal with the fact that all this time they took you for granted.

Agree with posters - on top of it all, he can be very unpleasant yes
But I suppose I’m not Pollyanna at this point, either

I suppose I am looking for reason for all of this , rather than he’s just a bastard and I’m just noticing.
I told him the other day ‘ you’d better be bloody on the spectrum or similar as if I see that you are acting like this on purpose- I’ll be out the door’

Sounds like my twat of a DH.

I basically just use him. To fund the house. Do the jobs I don’t want to do and look after the cat when I’m away.

@DesdemonaDryEyes yes I could deal with all that but I expect he would want some sex occasionally , being my main issue ha!
Otherwise I’d just ignore him until absolutely necessary

Oh lord. Definitely no sex.

Separate bedrooms.

Does his own washing.

I cook if I feel like it.

I actually almost feel sorry for him sometimes but then I remember.

@DesdemonaDryEyes I am laughing and horrified with sympathy at the same time

@MRS54321

I think about leaving so much *@stuntbubbles* but my little DC may see his DF less and MIL would be broken hearted. I just don’t know how to convince him? But I suppose you are right: he just doesn’t want to change. I keep making escuses for him his anxiety/adhd but sometimes I just think he’s a nasty bastard ans I’m an idiot for not seeing it ,for so long

Could you reach out to your MIL? X

Get some therapy. You already know that you're worth so much more than a man who gives absolutely nothing to your relationship.
But I think if you have a few good therapy sessions it'll also help you to find genuine clarity and not suffer from misplaced guilt by ending the marriage.

You're having sex with this bully?

You only get one life. This is it. Looking back over the last few years WITHOUT making excuses for him, do you really want to give more precious years to this person who isn't even trying to meet you part way by doing a wee bit more where they can?

The lack of basic respect and courtesy is shocking. You're raising a child up and this dysfunction and unhappiness is the example of a relationship they will learn from.

You don't have to. Free yourself.

Unreasonable behaviour is one of the grounds for divorce, whether or not the person has a mental disorder. You might need to focus on your husband's behaviour and the effect it is having on you and your children, rather than why he is behaving in this way.

[quote MRS54321]@Creamfirst22 yes in theory , but again that just me, finding new ways to accommodate him rather than him actually help himself ( or me)[/quote]
But he doesn’t want to change. Aside from you go out, or have the house to yourself and you tell him all this or write him a letter. Perhaps issue an ultimatum… I think you have to suck it up. Maybe don’t ask him to do anything, problem solved. (If you don’t want to split, I don’t see what choice you have).
Do you think he loves you? You say he would be dating within a month?

I think seeing a counsellor could help you decide, if you ltb your life may be harder but you might be happier in the long run. I know it’s not easy….

ADHD is becoming a VERY trendy way (especially on forums) to use as an excuse for abusive behavior.

ADHD isn’t a personality disorder. Often, those who have it want to be better and work at it. Individuals with ADHD don’t like letting people down, or being singled out.

It has to be said. ADHD DOESN'T MEAN ABUSIVE!

Why do I say this?

Because what he is doing is abusive. You don’t feel like you’re being listened to. You try to communicate yet it ALL falls on you.

That’s not normal.

Stop making excuses for his adhd/anxiety for the love of everything good and start taking ownership of what is in front of you. His actions tell you everything.

While I can’t say leave or stay… I will say his actions are also fishy. You’d do well to keep your own mental health up and maybe take some distance from this man.

Oh! Goes for depression as well. I don’t care how depressed someone is. It doesn’t allow them to mistreat you.

Abusers use this as a way to get sympathy.

Please read “why does he do that”

Lastly many women such as myself have ADHD and allowing misinformation and abusive people to use it as an excuse hurts us. It stigmatizes something that should be talked about an open because ADHD can be managed.

Honestly your husband may be difficult but I don’t think asking someone to fix things literally as soon as they walk in the door from work is reasonable or a good thing for a marriage.
Are you both working or mostly/solely him? If it’s him yes he should fix things around the house if need be, but the second he comes home? Cmon now I can totally understand his annoyance.

The fact that your annoyed at not being able to ask him to do things when he’s just come home from work isn’t reasonable - and does show a lack of respect for boundaries on your part.

I'm struggling to see why you think any of his behaviour is down to ADHD?
My partner actually has ADHD and he's a lovely man who wouldn't dream of behaving the way your knob of a husband does.
Stop scrabbling for reasons why he's a shit and you're miserable. It's a waste of time.

It doesn’t matter whether he has any diagnosis or not; he’s acting like a knob. He isn’t going to change so how long are you going to be unhappy? You’re the only one who can improve your life

I would speak to a solicitor and find out what would happen if you split eg how much money would you have, how would childcare be shared, where would you live or hope to live etc
Once that is straight in your head and an option, however good or bad, you can speak about the future with DH with the aim of fixing the relationship - depending on what he says/does you move forward with the best option for you and DS.

Op you are married and “deeply unhappy every single day”

I am divorced and a single parent and I am “deeply HAPPY almost every single day”!