Oh @MRS54321 every single thing you've said about your DH, and all the responses, I completely relate to 100%. In fact, as I've gone through the thread I've written down notes so I don't forget what I want to say to you. "Just talk to him!" is what my friends and family say to me, but he's literally impossible to talk to. I know exactly what you mean by this. Everything turns into some kind of issue or argument, so I've pretty much given up talking to him. He turns this around on me saying I'm passive aggressive. We also communicate by email. What kind of a marriage is that??!!
Practical tips. The first thing, that someone else suggested, is to keep a journal. If you're like me, so many things happen during the course of another frustrating day, you wake up the next morning and you've forgotten what he's done. You get so desensitized to his behaviour and actions and moods, that you just don't even notice sometimes. I come to work and tell my friend the latest, and she often reminds me that these things are not normal, and that I should not just be brushing it off.
Also, to convince yourself that your feelings are valid and you're not just overreacting to things he's done, please see a counsellor. I felt such a sense of relief when I went to see one for the first time. She said to me, "none of this behaviour is normal in a happy relationship and you do not need to accept it." She also said that normally she would find a couple of things to work on, but that there was nothing in my relationship worth working on or saving. It really opened my eyes. It's just nice to know that you're not going crazy.
About your MIL. Mine is lovely, and she thinks we are happy, and always comments on us being a 'loving couple' when she sends cards etc. Little does she know how much I dislike him, or how little interest he shows in me, let alone the fact we haven't had sex in 11 years. She would be devastated if we broke up, and I hate the feeling that I would be causing that. But!!! If he had kept me happy, I wouldn't have reached this point! I didn't choose to feel this way, it's in response to him and the way he's made me feel like a single mum for years and years. His family is the best aspect of our relationship. They are all great, but I can't live the rest of my life with someone I don't love, just to keep them happy. I think I could still maintain a good relationship with them if we do split. I'm sure you could too.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed but I'm going by my notes!
My dh also has a spending habit. He's forever buying records on Ebay, and parcels come almost every day. He has a credit card which I know he pays around £70 interest on every month. I've mentioned to him that he needs to transfer his balance to a 0% card, which is straightforward, but he just doesn't bother. If he ever does try to do something like this, book a train, set up an account for something, he can't do it without my help. It's so infuriating. And I've been thinking recently how much he must have saved on travel costs this past two years working from home, whereas I'm still putting diesel in the car every week as I work in an office. As well as this, there's the heating while he's in the house - and I pay that bill!!! And! I tend to pay for the expensive Christmas presents for the kids (games consoles bikes etc, whereas he'll pick up a few cheap football kits on ebay) All of the costs for the kids' everyday things I just deal with myself. I realise I only have myself to blame for letting this happen, but he conveniently keeps quiet about it if he does notice. I'm not sure what the answer is to this. Some people are just compulsive and they can only change if they want to. It's not up to you to mother him.
He also broke our toilet. But it wouldn't cross my mind to ask him to fix it, he would have no idea where to start. If anything needs fixing, I do it, or I get someone to do it. And I bloody pay them! Not that I said a word about this either. He insists on flushing and flushing before the cistern has a chance to fill up, and this eventually led to the top of the cistern cracking and breaking. He's wrecked his end of the sofa. His side of the mattress is collapsed. I could go on. Again, what do you do about that, apart from telling them to stop f*** breaking stuff!!
Sometimes I do suspect he may be on the autism spectrum, but as others have pointed out, it's no excuse for being an arse. He does take antidepressants, but tends to rely on them rather than eating healthy and getting outdoors as he should.
If I showed him this post, he would not recognise any of it in himself. Not a thing.
So please, OP, if you feel anything like me, please start making plans to find the best way to end your relationship. I've delayed and delayed, not in the hope that he'll change as I know he won't. Even though he knows how unhappy I am, he hasn't done a thing to improve it. He still only brushes his teeth once a week ffs. Like you, I tried to be nice about it, tried going down the more insistent route, left it completely, and nothing changes. You can't win. I delay because I worry how my decision to end the marriage will affect everyone else. I am so scared that it will hurt my kids, or that I have to move house and take them away from their home, and send them to stay with their dad somewhere that might not be very nice, to not be with them every day, for them to be upset not to be with me, all the catastrophes whirl around in my mind all day every day. But I am wasting my life. And I'm teaching my boys that it's normal for their mum to go and stand in the kitchen on an evening just to avoid their dad. He's away for a few days and my god the difference! We are so relaxed, having fun, not being bombarded with news and politics on telly, it's so much better.
Please don't think you're letting your dc down by choosing to be happy. You are allowed to be happy, and a happy mum is all any child wants or needs. I hope that counts as practical advice for you! You can't do much about him, it's down to you to sort out where your life goes from here.
Good luck OP xx