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Original poster

My partner doesn't want children.

85 replies

Miller203 · 07/02/2022 20:23

I really need some advice, im so confused and feel lost as ever.

So me and my partner have been together for a year now, we have our home and ive never felt safer and settled. We discussed having children at the beginning of our relationship, he said he wasn't sure but he'd think about it.

We've spoken about this three times since, the second time he said he's tried his hardest but still doesn't want children, he then mentioned adoption

The third time he said no to adoption and still doesn't want children, or wanting to be a father.. I asked him why and he said he didn't have a reason, then he'd have a good think about it and say.. the world is getting worse, the world is too over populated and he doesn't want to have to worry all time incase something bad happens.

A few weeks back he ended our relationship because he said he couldn't give me what I want in the future.
I then broke down and chose him over having a child. Now I feel more confused and lost as ever because I've finally found someone who i want to marry and spend the rest of my life with but he can't give me what I want.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Cheekypeach · 07/02/2022 20:24

You need to leave. A desire to have children comes before any romantic interest - after all, what if you gave up your dream to have kids and then be left you at 45?

Cheekypeach · 07/02/2022 20:24

*he left you when you were 45 I mean.

Original poster
Miller203 · 07/02/2022 20:27

I know what your saying.
I think its because I've never been treat properly before in a relationship and I've never been happier. Im scared I won't find anyone else like him.

OP posts:
Cheekypeach · 07/02/2022 20:29

It’s a real shame OP and I feel for you. But honestly, children trump any man.

noirchatsdeux · 07/02/2022 20:30

I've never wanted children. If you asked me why, I could give you the stock answers - which would all be true - but the fact is I just plain don't, and never have. I'm now 53 and have had two terminations, including one when I was happily married, to make sure I didn't. I married someone who also didn't want children...if he had even hinted that he did, I wouldn't have dated, let alone married him. He's never changed his mind, either.

You said it yourself, he can't give you what you want. End the relationship for good and find someone who can.

PermanentTemporary · 07/02/2022 20:30

I think the fact that he takes your needs seriously shows that he's a good person, but he also takes his own needs seriously and that's important too. It is no fun feeling that you can't give your partner what they need to be happy.

MondeoFan · 07/02/2022 20:32

I couldn't be with him. If children are what you really want and he doesn't then you have to find your happiness elsewhere. That's what I'd do.
I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids if I did.

ScrumptiousBears · 07/02/2022 20:34

I ended a relationship as he didn't want anymore children. He already had 2 from a previous relationship. I did try to ignore it for a while but I think it'll eat you up. I think he's done you a favour tbh.

MizzFizz · 07/02/2022 20:37

I think you're best to move on from the relationship... I have always wanted kids and no matter what direction my life took me (and it has gone in many different directions), it always led me back to the fact that I wanted kids... and the feeling got stronger the older I became (now expecting my second child and I wouldn't have it any other way). Move on so you can find someone to share a family with.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 07/02/2022 20:49

If you can't stop wanting children then you will have to leave him.

But the reasons he gave are exactly my reasons and so I agree with everything he said.

I always thought I would have children until I was 30 and then I realised I really didn't want the worry of having them and it was such a relief.

But if you have read all the issues people on Mumsnet have with their children and with their relationships after having children and you still want children then you have to leave him.

I can't blame him for not wanting children at all.

chilli1212 · 07/02/2022 20:51

I've never wanted children. Some people just don't.

If you're positive you want children then I think you should leave him.

TedMullins · 07/02/2022 20:57

That intrinsic, visceral desire you have about wanting children is the same intrinsic, visceral desire NOT to have any that those who don’t want children have. I don’t want them, and it isn’t something I thought about and actively decided against, it’s just a deep part of me that I know, the same as I know I don’t want to chop my arm off. You can’t explain why you don’t want them any more than you can explain why you do.

He did tell you he wasn’t sure right at the start - you shouldn’t have banked on him changing his mind. It’s not like he led you on. He shouldn’t have children he doesn’t want, but you also shouldn’t deny yourself the chance to have children if you want them. You really do need to leave him if it’s important to you to have children as there’s no compromise here.

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 20:58

I think you need to make your mind up. He ended the relationship, he did the right thing by you and you presumably told him that you would give you the idea of having children in order to stay with him. You can’t now try and persuade him around, you need it make your choice and stick to it.

I know all the responses so far are that you should of course choose having children, but some people can’t have children and their partners don’t automatically leave them, so some people do choose partner over having a child.

Georgeskitchen · 07/02/2022 21:01

Don't give up your dreams of motherhood for a man. I've known 2 people who went along with this, husbands both left after years of marriage then had a child with another woman.
Beyond cruel imo

RelentlessForwardProgress · 07/02/2022 21:01

How old are you OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2022 21:07

You found him and he’s been lovely, you’ll hopefully find someone just as great who also shares your hopes. Stay with him and you’ll regret it. It’s always very sad when people are incompatible like this but he was right to end it and you really need to look at where you want to be in the future. With him and no children. Without him and potentially with someone different but just as amazing and with children.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2022 21:12

He's not th man for you, but he has shown you what a healthy relationship looks like. End it now and move on to someone who wants what you want.

IheartJKRowling · 07/02/2022 21:21

My friend gave up the chance to have children because her partner didn't want them. At 43 she found out he was having an affair and within two months of him leaving the other woman was pregnant. If you want children don't give up your chance, he literally has 40+ years to change his mind but you don't.

DuckDuckNo · 07/02/2022 21:26

@IheartJKRowling

My friend gave up the chance to have children because her partner didn't want them. At 43 she found out he was having an affair and within two months of him leaving the other woman was pregnant. If you want children don't give up your chance, he literally has 40+ years to change his mind but you don't.
I know 3 men who did this. Got married relatively young, postponed having kids or said no, then left their wives after 40 and married someone young and had children right away. See, men can have their cake and eat it too.
Original poster
Miller203 · 07/02/2022 21:59

Hes been telling me that he'd think about it and kept saying things like " id be a great father" etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miller203 · 07/02/2022 22:00

Im 28

OP posts:
Original poster
Miller203 · 07/02/2022 22:01

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me.

OP posts:
Moancup · 07/02/2022 22:03

You’re 28?! Dear god, leave him. He’s faffed around for a year but this does sound like his final answer. He doesn’t want children, you do, you have bags and bags of time on your side. Honestly, to the rest of us it’s blindingly obvious what you need to do.

Redwinestillfine · 07/02/2022 22:05

So supportive too then? Sorry op, ou deserve better and I think you know what you need to do Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2022 22:05

He doesn't want kids. It's a valid life choice.

Personally I'd pick a real life man who loved me over some hypothetical baby any day. Because he actually exists. But then, I'm not much interested in kids. If you really want kids then this is not the relationship for you (but feel free to send him my way!)

You say you've moved in with him already and discussed kids several times at just a year in though... I mean I'm not saying it's not important to check you are on the same page...but it all sounds a bit rushed...maybe he feels pressured. I'd probably bolt too if my partner kept bringing up children when i had only known them a year.