Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My partner doesn't want children.

85 replies

Miller203 · 07/02/2022 20:23

I really need some advice, im so confused and feel lost as ever.

So me and my partner have been together for a year now, we have our home and ive never felt safer and settled. We discussed having children at the beginning of our relationship, he said he wasn't sure but he'd think about it.

We've spoken about this three times since, the second time he said he's tried his hardest but still doesn't want children, he then mentioned adoption

The third time he said no to adoption and still doesn't want children, or wanting to be a father.. I asked him why and he said he didn't have a reason, then he'd have a good think about it and say.. the world is getting worse, the world is too over populated and he doesn't want to have to worry all time incase something bad happens.

A few weeks back he ended our relationship because he said he couldn't give me what I want in the future.
I then broke down and chose him over having a child. Now I feel more confused and lost as ever because I've finally found someone who i want to marry and spend the rest of my life with but he can't give me what I want.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Stressedout1009 · 07/02/2022 23:04

He's telling you loud and clear, repeatedly as well that he does not want children. I'm not sure why you are refusing to accept that. He's even told you where you stand should you fall pregnant. Not sure how much clearer you want him to put it. You need to face up to the reality that you both want very different things. Sorry op, He's doing the right thing letting you know right up front how he feels.

Aaaabbbcccc · 07/02/2022 23:12

Controversial but I think if people are giving stock answers like him there is something more going on. Did he have issues in childhood. Would he be willing to look into this. I don’t believe people who talk about overpopulation.

Aaaabbbcccc · 07/02/2022 23:13

If you are 28 what’s the rush? Just see what happens?

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2022 23:15

Omg leave. That's him telling you exactly who he is. As well as being toxic and manipulative he is essentially saying he would abandon his child.

Sorry op but how on earth do you think this asshole is the love of your life. He sucks.

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2022 23:16

*sorry I meant to quote what he said about forcing you to abort.

Crowdfundingforcake · 07/02/2022 23:18

If you want children and he doesn't then you leave. Both scenarios are totally valid. Neither of you is wrong (or right). You just have different priorities.

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2022 23:20

@Aaaabbbcccc

Quite often people feel they aren't allowed to just say they don't want children. So they give hundreds of excuses. I've said the overpopulation thing. Usually after people have nagged me about saying I don't want them.

There doesn't have to be any deep seated emotional trauma lol. And look, you just came out with that suggestion out of the blue, where op has given no indication that this could be the case. Perfect example of how people jump to 'there must be something up' when someone says they don't want kids.

MMmomDD · 07/02/2022 23:30

No man, no matter how perfect he seems to you is worth giving up having kids for.

And especially, not the gem that tells you he’ll leave you if you got pregnant. I presume he is similar age to you - many men that age are stupid, and not thinking long term, really.
When I was about the same age, a bf told me he’ll kill himself if I got pregnant. I told him - while I didn’t want kids then yet - if it happened I’d not be able to have an abortion.
We aren’t together. He did have a kid in his late 40s. He had the time to wait. I didn’t.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else who wants the same things as you.
He doesn’t. And he’ll string you along for as long as it works for him.
Don’t waste your life.

Aaaabbbcccc · 07/02/2022 23:43

@Pinkbonbon I do think many people don’t want children because of their own unresolved issues. I know a number of people who worked this out quite late and managed to have children and were so glad they did. It is not impossible that OPs has something that is holding him back. She loves him, why not try everything?

Flickeringgreenlight · 07/02/2022 23:45

You are both equally entitled to live a life of your choosing. You need to decide what YOU want for YOURSELF.

This does come up quite often and it genuinely does make me wonder and I often think to myself that if I didn't / couldn't have children with my husband, I don't think I'd want it with anybody else. Or the other side to it is if your partner doesn't want children and you desperately do, he is not the right man for you and your other half is still out there, waiting to meet you and have a family with. But it's such a personal matter that no one would be any more equipped than you to answer it.

There's no right or wrong answer here. I certainly don't believe that children trump any man as a universal rule. Only if your greatest and biggest desire is to be a mother which isn't true for everybody and that is ok.

MintJulia · 08/02/2022 00:01

You aren't suited. He was right to end the relationship. He doesn't love you enough to care what you want or whether you are happy.

You need to separate.

Flickeringgreenlight · 08/02/2022 00:19

@MintJulia

You aren't suited. He was right to end the relationship. He doesn't love you enough to care what you want or whether you are happy.

You need to separate.

Your first sentence is bang on but I'm sorry, the rest is quite off! To say he doesn't love her enough to care about what she wants? So you think he should have children because SHE wants them and not because he actually desires to have children. You could argue she doesn't love him enough to give up her needs and wants for children then? This really isn't on. I think he was right by calling it quits because he cared about what she wanted. And he knew he wouldn't be able to give it to her so it was the decent thing to do. Am not because he didn't love her. That's awfully presumptuous and quite mean.

Thewindwhispers · 08/02/2022 00:37

OP the truth is, children are awesome. So fun, so full of love. Please don’t give that up for a man whose heart is too small to want them, and please don’t think that the moaning on Mumsnet at all represents the reality of parenthood.

Worst case (and most likely) scenario is you spend the next 5 yrs with this man trying to convince yourself that you don’t need children, then one day burst into tears at the sight of a baby and the relationship disintegrates anyway. But by then you won’t have time to meet someone else, date for a while, and conceive (yes I know some women can conceive late blah blah most of us can’t).

Please end this relationship it will only make you very sad.

noirchatsdeux · 08/02/2022 02:25

@Aaaabbbcccc My father didn't want children. My mother 'oopsed' him (after telling him when they met - he was only 18 - that she couldn't have children - obviously a lie). This was late 60s, she was Roman Catholic so no question of abortion. They had two more before he could get a vasectomy.

He hated being a father, and gave family life up completely to work abroad when I was 10. So no, not everyone who doesn't want children, but ends up with them is 'glad they did'.

coraka · 08/02/2022 02:38

@Miller203

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me.

This is a huge red flag! Leave him on the basis of this statement, let alone anything else.

coraka · 08/02/2022 02:46

If he feels that strongly about not having DC then he needs to have a vasectomy. Contraception isn't 100% so it's always a risk when a fertile couple have sex.

Unfortunately, there are loads of threads on here from women whose partners "didn't want children", they made their peace with that and then when their fertile years have been wasted and its too late, the man dumps them. He then gets a new younger woman who is married and pregnant to him within a year.

IncompleteSenten · 08/02/2022 02:47

He's not wrong for not wanting children.
You're not wrong for wanting them.

(He's a fucking twat for the abortion comment!)

You can't have both, he's been very clear on that. So it's him or the chance of a child.

Another thing to remember is you often find these I don't want a baby types use up your years then fuck off with a younger woman and have a baby with her!

sjpkgp1 · 08/02/2022 03:27

@Aaaabbbcccc

If you are 28 what’s the rush? Just see what happens?

Agree with this. Not sure how old the OP's partner is (and maybe it isn't relevant) but 28 is not 'that old' to be having kids or to be making comments about not having them. Whatever the relationship is, one party is always going to be more ready than the other, and as time moves on, it will become a shared goal, or the maybe the opposite. If everything else is good, shared house, dreams etc, why not just leave it a bit longer and see how it goes. Clearly you cannot leave it forever, and at some point you will need to make a choice. I would personally ignore the comment about abortion, it is designed to inflame, and to make his point. Ultimately, it is your body, and your choice, and as long as you do not set out to 'catch him out' then all is fair.

tillytown · 08/02/2022 03:37

If you are 28 what’s the rush? Just see what happens
Completely disagree with this and the comment above. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.
He isn't going to change his mind so why drag out the inevitable?

camperqueen54 · 08/02/2022 04:25

The same thing happened to me years ago but he strung me along. Luckily I was 28 when I left him and found a lovely bloke that wanted kids and married him.

They don't change and it will only make you unhappy longer term.

sammylady37 · 08/02/2022 06:28

He'd rather leave you than have a child, so he'd choose not having you if he had to? Nice to know that his love for you has such limitations. Find someone who would love you enough to stand by you at least. But really, you know what you want so go for someone wanting the same. I think you'd pick the child over satisfying his wants of an abortion, should it happen anyway, and if you don't have them it will eat at your relationship over time

Hilarious. Post after post telling the op to leave him and have children with someone else, yet you don’t berate her or those suggesting that saying that her live clearly has such limitations and that she should love him enough to at least stand by her.
And then, to compound the hypocrisy, you advise her to fo exactly what you’re criticising him for, go for someone wanting the same and endorse pick the child over satisfying his wants.

Never change mumsnet, never change.

sammylady37 · 08/02/2022 06:30

@Aaaabbbcccc

And this is the sanctimonious bullshit that those of us who are childfree are so fed up of hearing. People just cannot seem to accept that others have different wants, desires and drives in life. They must have issues. They’re lying when they explain themselves. No, actually we just want something different to what you wanted. Broaden your mind and world view a little.

Stopsnowing · 08/02/2022 06:34

He has been upfront with you. If having children is important to you you should part.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 08/02/2022 06:35

Leave him. You're 28 - plenty of time for you to meet sometime else who is on the same page as you. He is not the right one for you.

Ladybugzrock · 08/02/2022 06:36

When I was a similar age I had a partner who didn’t want children or marriage. I knew I’m my heart I wanted both but I stayed, I loved him blah blah.

He then went back to an ex girlfriend from his teens, they were married and had a baby within a year.

I will NEVER advise women to stay under those sorts of conditions again. Life is too short to stay shackled to someone who doesn’t share your hopes and dreams.

I’m sorry @Miller203 but I really would get out and find someone you can be excited about the future with… together.

Flip

1 2 3 4