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Original poster

My partner doesn't want children.

85 replies

Miller203 · 07/02/2022 20:23

I really need some advice, im so confused and feel lost as ever.

So me and my partner have been together for a year now, we have our home and ive never felt safer and settled. We discussed having children at the beginning of our relationship, he said he wasn't sure but he'd think about it.

We've spoken about this three times since, the second time he said he's tried his hardest but still doesn't want children, he then mentioned adoption

The third time he said no to adoption and still doesn't want children, or wanting to be a father.. I asked him why and he said he didn't have a reason, then he'd have a good think about it and say.. the world is getting worse, the world is too over populated and he doesn't want to have to worry all time incase something bad happens.

A few weeks back he ended our relationship because he said he couldn't give me what I want in the future.
I then broke down and chose him over having a child. Now I feel more confused and lost as ever because I've finally found someone who i want to marry and spend the rest of my life with but he can't give me what I want.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 07/02/2022 22:07

@Miller203

Hes been telling me that he'd think about it and kept saying things like " id be a great father" etc.
He's saying this to appease you because right now, he wants you in his life.
DatingDinosaur · 07/02/2022 22:09

@Miller203

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me.
And he's saying this because he really REALLY doesn't want children but wants you in his life.
RelentlessForwardProgress · 07/02/2022 22:09

If you were 21 that would be one thing, but at 28 I think you really need to leave and give yourself time to find someone else who is a keeper AND wants children.

Like three previous posters I know of several men who have decided very late in life they wanted to be fathers and started relationships with younger women having first been in very long term relationships where they have denied their partner a family until it is too late for the woman.

It would be heartbreaking (but necessary) to leave the perfect man for this reason, but to be honest OP some of your later responses don't make him sound brilliant, it makes him sounds like he has been stringing you along because it suits him. So maybe not quite mr perfect after all. Hopefully in time this might make it easier to look back on.

Good luck Flowers

Comedycook · 07/02/2022 22:09

Just end it. You want different things. You're still young enough to meet someone who does want children. Don't wait till it's too late

TracyMosby · 07/02/2022 22:11

@Miller203

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me.
Wow. What a gent he is Hmm

Move on op. While youre still young.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 07/02/2022 22:12

Leave OP. Find someone who wants what you want. There isn’t a fair compromise to be had here.

CPL593H · 07/02/2022 22:15

I never, ever wanted children but I completely get that most people do and this is normal and natural (it just wasn't for me) I was very careful to be with people who didn't want children/more children, because otherwise it really isn't fair.

Please don't waste your life hoping that he'll change his mind. He is telling you clearly how he feels and yes, if in 10 years time he is with someone else and has a baby, it will be gutting, but you've got the chance to use that time to pursue what is important to you. If you do that, his decisions won't matter.

CPL593H · 07/02/2022 22:18

Having now read your later posts, I think you can do better generally. He is not kind. Flowers

EezyOozy · 07/02/2022 22:20

You've got plenty of time to meet somebody else if you leave him now, children are worth much more than any man.

Onelifeonly · 07/02/2022 22:20

Don't sacrifice yourself for him, you'll never be happy. I always knew I wanted children from being a young child myself. I went through infertility in my 30s and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, at the time. Your desires won't go away.

But you are very likely to find a man who does want children. Keep looking before you get too old or you reach the stage where you're desperate.

Be glad this man has been honest with you and tried to set you free to live the life you want.

Opentooffers · 07/02/2022 22:21

He'd rather leave you than have a child, so he'd choose not having you if he had to? Nice to know that his love for you has such limitations. Find someone who would love you enough to stand by you at least. But really, you know what you want so go for someone wanting the same. I think you'd pick the child over satisfying his wants of an abortion, should it happen anyway, and if you don't have them it will eat at your relationship over time.
He's not super nice though is he, as he has had phases of giving you hope and basically lieing, then backtracking, just to keep you around and yet he'd seemingly dump you, no question, if you became pregnant - not nice at all, it's a bad attitude that shows your bar is too low.
Stop trying to build a life together, neither of you should of bought a house together really, but it's not too late to get out of.

GettingItOutThere · 07/02/2022 22:22

leave him. He is telling you he does not want kids - listen.

you are 28? plenty of time to find mr right, He is mr right now. End this and find someone who wants what you want.

DramaAlpaca · 07/02/2022 22:23

From what you've said, I don't think he's the wonderful man you think he is. He's playing games with your emotions. You can do better.

Raindancer411 · 07/02/2022 22:24

I wasted all of my 20s with a guy who didn't want kids, then he wanted them, then he didn't as he got an opportunity to travel the world in various ways, and still I held on, in our house alone whilst he did those things.

Then I just got to my 30th and decided that was it... meet someone else and now have two lovely kids and don't regret it...

I would never have been happy just waiting and hoping... move on OP... There maybe more happiness around the corner for you!!

GreenClock · 07/02/2022 22:25

At 28 I’d have prioritised a real-life man over hypothetical children I think, despite the possibility of regretting it at age 35+ (especially if the relationship had failed).

But …..I don’t know in your case. The relationship seems rushed, unless you were already friends. He’s wavered, but that’s allowed I suppose. The abortion comment is his way of warning you not to become pregnant “by accident” which isn’t too pleasant of him.

I think that you should probably end it.

Sunnyday321 · 07/02/2022 22:30

When you meet a great man , and have a good relationship and he seems to tick all your boxes , life is a rosy glow . With the greatest respect a year of a relationship is still fairly young days. He has every right to decide that being a father is not for him , as you do for your wish to become a mum.
In the cold light of day you both want different things out of life , so he is not the perfect man for you after all.

thenewduchessoflapland · 07/02/2022 22:33

@IheartJKRowling

My friend gave up the chance to have children because her partner didn't want them. At 43 she found out he was having an affair and within two months of him leaving the other woman was pregnant. If you want children don't give up your chance, he literally has 40+ years to change his mind but you don't.
This 100% ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Don't end up like her friend;you have the chance to still find a wonderful who wants to be a father one day.

WonderfulYou · 07/02/2022 22:36

You need to decide what’s more important - having a child or your relationship.

If having children is something you really want then you have no choice but to end the relationship.

He has told you he doesn’t want children and he’s not going to change his mind. Don’t think by waiting or getting pregnant he’s going to change it as you’ll just be wasting time.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 07/02/2022 22:36

@Miller203
If you want kids and he doesn't then surely the answer is obvious

Either stay with him and don't have kids or leave him and have kids with someone else

theremustonlybeone · 07/02/2022 22:39

Do not give up on having kids based on this relationship- has he shown any form of commitment to you? Engagement etc! He is the kind of bloke that will drag this out and run off with someone else and suddenly he has kids. Your 28 and want children. He doesn’t so cut your losses and move on and find someone else who wants the same things - I met the one at age 30

Unsure33 · 07/02/2022 22:42

I would say one thing. Don’t stay thinking you might change his mind. You won’t .

AgathaAllAlong · 07/02/2022 22:44

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me

Quite aside from the rest, this is awful. He knows that it takes two to get pregnant? Coercing someone into an abortion is very awful.

BeardyButton · 07/02/2022 22:47

@Miller203

He also said if I ever get pregnant then I have to have an abortion or he'd leave me.
I’d leave him based on this.
Lampan · 07/02/2022 22:52

He doesn’t have to have a reason for not wanting children. If you ask him why he probably doesn’t even know, even if he gave you an answer. He has made his position quite clear, unfortunately you are not compatible. Don’t expect him to change his mind if you stay together.

NotebookAddict · 07/02/2022 22:59

I would also leave him - but, whatever you decide, get some of your eggs frozen as soon as possible.