How to get over infatuation

[FallenFigs]

I know I get attached too easily. I’ve become horribly infatuated with a colleague. We’re both married. I risk making a massive fool of myself.

So whilst I know all the logical reasons why I’ve become attached (flat marriage etc) what I need first is to know how to kill this infatuation. It’s intoxicating and distracting and taking way too much energy.

In my head I know the logic and also believe I can rise above it. But in practise the horribly needy part of me is indulging it and fuelling it. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Is there a psychological trick I can use to snap myself out of this swiftly?

What is it about this person that makes you like them so much?

Generally it means whatever it is you are craving with your infatuation is missing from your relationship. Can you address this in your marriage in some way? If your needs are being met there then the infatuation should go. At least that’s what my therapist says to me.

Hmm. Interesting question. Isn’t the point that it isn’t about them and that it’s about what I’m missing?

But since you asked. Tall, blue-eyed boy. Extrovert. Intelligent. Quirky. Flirty. Similar interests and values. I could go on

Yes really easy....he loves his partner, he doesn't love you, he's not available. No future in wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Like me likeing Sheryl Crowe...it ain't going to happen! Don't embarrass yourself and keep your dignity.

Revealing that the first thing you mention is the physical appearance. Flirty doesn't sound great - he'd be flirting with OW if you two got together.

Imagine your H and family finding out about it and vice versa.

Guys this is the point. I’m not going to act on it but I want to get it out of my head. But being objective and logical about it isn’t working.

@fenellastripe revealing how?

Try reframe your thinking to focus on his bad points.

Try to imagine him on the toilet every time you start thinking about him or interacting with him.

Focus on his flaws as much as possible.

Limit contact with him as much as humanly possible (be disciplined about this).

Work on your marriage.

I remember reading a trick to help you get over an ex, so it might help here.
You visualise the pair of you together/ them in colour. Then make the image black & white, then push the image further away in your minds eye, until it's small enough to disappear. You do this as much as you need to.
Also avoid contact further with the person (perhaps tricky with a colleague).

Flaws.

Ok.

Small feet. Strange hands.

Or do we mean personality flaws?

Thinking of any flaws feels a bit unkind in truth.

Imagine the fallout if it was to develop into an emotional / physical affair.

I don't mean that in a glib way.

Literally imagine it. Your husband finding out. His wife. Any kids involved.

Being called in to HR for a meeting.

Finding out he has told his partner you're obsessed with him and he was just being nice to you because he felt sorry for you etc.

Him having a quiet word with HR saying he thought he was just being friendly but you read more into it, painting you as a desperate figure to be pitied (so many of them do this) behind your back while you feel you've lost out on something real that never actually existed.

Hopefully the real world consequences will snap you out of it.

At best he's someone who flirts with colleagues despite being in a committed relationship. As are you at the moment. Don't be that person.

Also you think you know him but what you know is the best of him. His 'on' self. Blue eyed boy, fun, loads in common etc. You've no idea what he's like as a partner.

This really, really isn't worth it.

So imagine those real world consequences, including the impact on your professional reputation at work, and does that help at all? Really sit with and picture those consequences.

Being infatuated with another man while married seems slightly more unkind, in truth.

@FallenFigs

Flaws.

Ok.

Small feet. Strange hands.

Or do we mean personality flaws?

Thinking of any flaws feels a bit unkind in truth.

Don't focus on his flaws. Pointless, you'll just say they're outweighed by the positives as you see them because you're infatuated.

Focus on the very real consequences to your marriage and professional reputation not just caused by actual affairs but by obvious and (sorry but just being honest) cringey (to bystanders aka other colleagues) crushes.

Ok.

So everytime he gains a conquest he tells his mates about you.
Gossip will follow.

He's too attractive, more handsome than your husband and he knows this, just wants to add you too his ego list and get one over on your man.

The rest of your workplace knows you are making a fool of yourself and are laughing behind your back.

Your husband whilst you have been fawning over this om has been chatting up a gorgeous younger model, whilst you took your eye of fthe ball. You didn't see that one coming !

If you kiss him, you may catch anything from gingervitus, periodentitus other oral diseases and your teeth could fall out.

Not to mention the various contagious diseases that never leave your system like herpes, Epstein Barr virus, glandular fever and many more that could create terrible health problems for the rest of your life.

You could in turn pass these onto your children," give mom a kiss" Urgh

The sexually transmitted diseses, take your pick amoungst baterial, viral, fungal and paracitic ones.

Thats your starter for 10.
Still feel romantic?
Yuk

Keep him away from you, you don't literally know where he's been.
Just imagine him as a filthy disease ridden man.

Good Luck

@MizzFizz I know it’s crap, that’s why I’m trying to snap myself out of it. I’m not proud of it. But it’s in my head, a figment of imagination really. It’s not an action I have taken or a mistake I have made.

@youvegottenminuteslynn don’t apologise, I know it’s ridiculous. See above.

@Onthedunes you don’t hold back. Not very relatable tho, sorry.

@LittleOverWhelmed yes he does. In fairness, we do those things. He’s fairly sure I’d like his wife more than I like him and he’s probably right. Which is all the more reason to knock these thoughts out of my head - the reality is I’ll probably meet her sooner or later and would rather be able to look the women in the eye.

@FallenFigs sorry, wasn't trying to shame you, I've been in a similar situation. What I was trying to point out is that the alternative (staying infatuated) is worse than privately focusing on someone's flaws, especially when you know it's not meant to be unkind, it's meant to help you get over the strong feelings which are disrupting your life. I wish you all the luck, it's a difficult and frustrating situation to be in. Limiting/avoiding all contact and trying not to think about him at all are most effective in my experience... but it can take a long time...

@MizzFizz fair enough. It is disruptive. How long is a long time?

@Onthedunes you don’t hold back. Not very relatable tho, sorry

All pychological tips for keeping him at arms length.

Some people who have affairs have no empathy so no point in pointing out the disadvantages of the poor wife at home.

For people lacking in empathy the direct disadvantages to themselves are better being pointed out.

Health reasons are relatable to everyone, everyone of us is basically a walking eco system of bateria ready to transmit onto others.

Just imagine him walking towards you waiting to pass on some horrible disease.

Or imagine everytime you speak to him your husband is sat at the side of you. Cringe

Ugh I hope I don’t lack empathy. I suppose I don’t think about his wife as I’m not going to do anything, no point hand-wringing over a non-issue on that one.

The issue at the moment is disruption to my own life, in my own head. Although have I just proved your point about empathy?!

But you’re already doing something bad to his wife because subconsciously you’ll be giving out an ‘I fancy you’ vibe which at best he will brush off at worst you could either destabilise his whole relationship if he feels the same, or come across as someone he needs to contact HR about.

If you’re obsessing this much there probably is something missing in your life / relationship. Try to find out what it is and avoid contact with this man as much as possible. Cut out any possible element of flirty banter / needless conversation and focus on your work.

What you’re doing is incredibly unkind to everybody involved including yourself.

@Applepineapple20 I think this is my point. I’m not ‘doing’ anything, it’s kind of got me, I haven’t made an active choice.

I feel uncomfortable about it, I’m not actively seeking it out. But the thoughts are there and difficult to shift.