Page 4 | How to get over infatuation

FallenFigs · 2022-02-07T20:11:41+00:00

I know I get attached too easily. I’ve become horribly infatuated with a colleague. We’re both married. I risk making a massive fool of myself. So whilst I know all the logical reasons why I’ve become attached (flat marriage etc) what I need first is to know how to kill this infatuation. It’s intoxicating and distracting and taking way too much energy. In my head I know the logic and also believe I can rise above it. But in practise the horribly needy part of me is indulging it and fuelling it. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is there a psychological trick I can use to snap myself out of this swiftly?

donesomethingterrible · 14/02/2022 22:34

[quote FallenFigs]@donesomethingterrible the same guy 20 years ago and now?! Oh don’t tell me it’ll last that long. I’ll be retired [/quote]
Yep...same guy. Same feelings (maybe even more than then). Still unavailable and still stuck in my head.
I haven't felt like this for 20 years though....literally forgot all about him when I met H. Until recent months when I was about to separate and he messaged out of the blue.
Wish he never had. Seriously.

donesomethingterrible · 14/02/2022 22:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn we did a little more than kiss but yes I can see that maybe I am totally kidding myself.
I guess he's given me joy and excitement throughout a bloody horrible past few months and the thought of no contact is just awful.
I have tried to block the thoughts that come into my head but I can't stop them. I know deep down that going cold turkey is the only solution 😞

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/02/2022 22:45

[quote donesomethingterrible]@youvegottenminuteslynn we did a little more than kiss but yes I can see that maybe I am totally kidding myself.
I guess he's given me joy and excitement throughout a bloody horrible past few months and the thought of no contact is just awful.
I have tried to block the thoughts that come into my head but I can't stop them. I know deep down that going cold turkey is the only solution 😞[/quote]
Could you have some counselling to break the spell a bit? It would be worth it's weight in gold if it gets you out of your unhappy situation and also stops you fixating on something external but not actually real. It's escapism. You're doing enough that you think it's real but not so much that you think you'll actually have to make a choice immediately. You can live in this limbo for years and years. And it'll be bloody miserable.

Onthedunes · 14/02/2022 22:57

@donesomethingterrible

Hi, could I ask are you still with your husband and is your old flame still with his wife ?

Do you think part of this could be trying to recapture your youth?
Or is it a convienience thing that you knew him (who contacted who first?) and your marriage is in difficulty.

I must admit I was lucky during my marriage that I never experienced limerance, must be awful to be constantly pining for someone and be in the company of another. My marriage ended and it would have been easier to contact previous boyfriends to overcome my marriage woes than actively find a new partner but they are in the past for a reason.

Think hard about progressing this affair, you are not young anymore and there are real life grown up people and families that may get hurt by your actions.
Maybe you need to end your marriage and be single, but don't go backwards, it very rarely works out and is fuelled by past memories of youth and no responsibilities.

Sorry if I've got the facts wrong.

spotcheck · 14/02/2022 22:59

@Thegiftthatkeepsongiving

Generally it means whatever it is you are craving with your infatuation is missing from your relationship. Can you address this in your marriage in some way? If your needs are being met there then the infatuation should go. At least that’s what my therapist says to me.

Hmmm

I disagree. You can't fill a void within yourself with other people. What is your self esteem like? Start there.

Why do we do this to ourselves?
Not everyone does. Again, self esteem....

donesomethingterrible · 14/02/2022 23:23

@youvegottenminuteslynn I am in the process of trying to speak to a counsellor through college. I'm desperate for any help I can get as this is all too exhausting and I can't focus.

@Onthedunes
Hi. Yes I am still with my H and he still with his gf. Whereas my marriage is on very rocky ground his relationship would appear "perfect". He tells me everything is in fact, all good.
Makes it even more bizarre that he contacted me first completely out of nowhere asking how I was. Quickly followed by "we should meet for a catch up drink".
When we reminisce yes I think we are trying to relive our youth and the memories we have of amazing times when we were 20. There is 100% an element of unfinished business and I think that's the problem.

I know I need this all to stop so I can work out whether to separate or not with a clear head. I just can't bear to lose that spark that he's given me, how can somebody change you so much in such a short space of time? 😞

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/02/2022 23:39

@donesomethingterrible

Whereas my marriage is on very rocky ground his relationship would appear "perfect". He tells me everything is in fact, all good. Makes it even more bizarre that he contacted me first completely out of nowhere asking how I was. Quickly followed by "we should meet for a catch up drink".

It's not bizarre at all, it's entirely in keeping with a wanker who wants to have his cake and eat it too... and have enough plausible deniability to call you a mental woman who is obsessed with him if someone finds your messages "I told her our relationship is all good!"

He's playing you like a fiddle. Push for that counselling. You'll eventually see him for what he is. A dickhead who you're pandering to. And it'll give you the ick and the cringe. Then you can focus on deciding what to do about your reality instead of sort of hiding in escapism and daydreaming.

You need to open your eyes to how shit his behaviour is, to you and to his partner. You're an ego stroke to him.

Onthedunes · 14/02/2022 23:43

@donesomethingterrible

Whereas my marriage is on very rocky ground his relationship would appear "perfect

He knows your marriage is on the rocks, could he be the reason why your marriage is suffering?

I know you feel as though you can trust him as he is from your past but he is taking advantage. He's already said he will not end his marriage, please stop feeding his ego, this is not a fair exchange, you will get hurt by this man.

Did you ever sleep with him in the past?
This sounds like a conquest to me.

Are you jealous of his life, or his wife, what they have, their relationship because going further with him will make you feel worse in the end.
Honestly don't do it to yourself.

donesomethingterrible · 14/02/2022 23:53

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@donesomethingterrible

Whereas my marriage is on very rocky ground his relationship would appear "perfect". He tells me everything is in fact, all good. Makes it even more bizarre that he contacted me first completely out of nowhere asking how I was. Quickly followed by "we should meet for a catch up drink".

It's not bizarre at all, it's entirely in keeping with a wanker who wants to have his cake and eat it too... and have enough plausible deniability to call you a mental woman who is obsessed with him if someone finds your messages "I told her our relationship is all good!"

He's playing you like a fiddle. Push for that counselling. You'll eventually see him for what he is. A dickhead who you're pandering to. And it'll give you the ick and the cringe. Then you can focus on deciding what to do about your reality instead of sort of hiding in escapism and daydreaming.

You need to open your eyes to how shit his behaviour is, to you and to his partner. You're an ego stroke to him. [/quote]
I will definitely push for the counselling thank you. I have never had anything like that but I do hope it will help me.
It sounds pathetic but I cannot break the pattern I am I at the moment.
If I don't speak to him I feel really depressed. Then we speak, I'm elated for a day or so then back to fed up and waiting for the next contact.

donesomethingterrible · 15/02/2022 00:00

@Onthedunes
We had already decided to separate just a few days before this man contacted me. Various reasons but he was absolutely not one of them, the last time I'd spoken to him was 2018!
I find the timing really strange and there is no way he could have known. Part of me feels it's the universe testing me. If so I have failed miserably.

No, we have never slept together. He does talk quite often about missed opportunities so you're probably right - it'll be a conquest for him.
I have no idea why though, he has a stunning gf who is at least 15 years younger than him and I.

Reflecting on what you said, he was not the cause of our initial decision to separate. However he could well be the cause of things not going well now that we're trying to give our marriage a go.
That sounds ridiculous - I suppose it's pretty obvious isn't it.
I have very little sexual attraction to my H but this guy gives me feelings I haven't had in well over a decade, if not longer tbh.

user1481840227 · 15/02/2022 00:05

Such wonderful advice given on this thread
It's like telling someone who's depressed to just be happy.
Or someone with anxiety to just relax.

As for the "already doing something bad to his wife because you're giving out subconscious vibes"
That's just thought police territory.

OP I think therapy could benefit you, something focused on stopping intrusive thoughts. You're likely to be getting a dopamine hit when you allow yourself to daydream about him...and while some people think it's as easy as just stopping, for most people it's really not that simple.

You should check out the Huberman labs podcasts on dopamine etc. and see if you can learn some tricks from those!