How to get over infatuation

[FallenFigs]

I know I get attached too easily. I’ve become horribly infatuated with a colleague. We’re both married. I risk making a massive fool of myself.

So whilst I know all the logical reasons why I’ve become attached (flat marriage etc) what I need first is to know how to kill this infatuation. It’s intoxicating and distracting and taking way too much energy.

In my head I know the logic and also believe I can rise above it. But in practise the horribly needy part of me is indulging it and fuelling it. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Is there a psychological trick I can use to snap myself out of this swiftly?

This op...

@WhenwillIlearntoadult

Job done then

How is limerence any different from infatuation? I am sceptical about it as a ‘thing’ and if anything it seems to reinforce the idea that it’s something that we are completely powerless to overcome, and ‘condition’ or an illness almost.

Ultimately I do accept that this infatuation is a symptom of problems elsewhere. It’s not the cause and I’m certainly not prepared to accept it as some kind of chronic long-term problem. To look at it another way, he’s just a person I have a connection with. There are lots more of those in my life. To assign it a label with phases and required strategies somehow makes the whole thing into a much bigger deal than it should be.

lol at the above

You have mentionitis, you are contradicting yourself, asking for help and then denying you need it and it is 'just a connection".

This is no normal friendship connection, this is a connection you are trying to deny is anything but your own ego needing massaging, you are bored.

You DO have the ability to stop it, you just don't want to, you are an excuse maker as all gigly self absorbed people who want the validation of someone who makes them feel attractive want.

You are basically saying, you are not enough and your partner is not enough to quell your need for compliments.

Selfish behaviour wrapped up in excuses, denial and lack of empathy for other parties.

Everthing about this screams ego.
It could easily turn into a big thing, depends how strong you are at keping in it's rightful place. Some people are strong and create distance, some people are weak and go for the thrill.

You are not as strong as you think, if you were you wouldn't be posting, you would be feeling sympathy for your husband and thoughts of if the roles were reversed you would be upset or heartbroken at him being infatuated with another woman.

That's what love is.

Think of him on the toilet

Think of him on the toilet

lol

@Sonaftersonafterson

Feel for you OP. This is awful.

There is NO magic trick, switch or method that works apart from complete no contact. Including social media stalking Trust me, I was in limerance for 18 long hard months and I tried everything. Nothing worked apart from removing him from my life, completely. It took 3 attempts spanning that 18 months. I am now a few months into solid no contact and its fading. The infatuation remains, but not anywhere NEAR as intense

Seems like that's not an option for you though?

what if you cant remove them from your life completely.

Well I would say let yourself indulge in it, it’s just fantasy, but that’s not a good idea at all in hindsight for me, just keep thinking of all his horrible points.

His probably really really horrible in bed too 😂

It’s called Limerance, go and look it up. You need to completely cut contact/go cold turkey with your limerant object (him).

@FallenFigs

How is limerence any different from infatuation? I am sceptical about it as a ‘thing’ and if anything it seems to reinforce the idea that it’s something that we are completely powerless to overcome, and ‘condition’ or an illness almost.

Ultimately I do accept that this infatuation is a symptom of problems elsewhere. It’s not the cause and I’m certainly not prepared to accept it as some kind of chronic long-term problem. To look at it another way, he’s just a person I have a connection with. There are lots more of those in my life. To assign it a label with phases and required strategies somehow makes the whole thing into a much bigger deal than it should be.

You say there are lots of people you have a connection in your life with - but they're not taking over your brain space like he is are they? You're not obsessing and having intrusive thoughts about them? I thought it sounded exactly like limerence too - the difference from infatuation is that it lasts longer unfortunately for you. Infatuation also tends to happen when you are young and immature.

I felt this way about a colleague and we've been seeing one another since November.

Sorry, not helpful.

Week 4 for me and I feel worse than last week 😞. Thinking of him every waking moment again and I know it's because we ended up messaging last week.
I just can't resist him which sounds ridiculous. I've looked up limerance and I do think I'm suffering from it 😬.
The thought of not having any contact with him is so awful but ultimately I know it's the only sensible way forward.

You don’t ‘end up messaging’, you choose to. As long as you make choices which make what you allegedly want to stop or fade worse, it will do exactly that. Get worse.
You are in an obsess, contact, more obsessing, feeling bad about it, stopping, giving in, more obsessing (but now worse) more contact..... and on it goes.
No, of course it isn’t easy, yes, you do have to put your big girl pants on and stick to choices you clearly don’t want to make, and yes, the more you do it the worse it will get.
What you allow continues, what continues escalates. And whilst I’m recycling sayings, Einstein’s definition of insanity was to do the same thing and expect different results.
OP you asked for advice and you got plenty. If you don’t choose to take it, stop expecting things to improve. Sorry to sound harsh, limerance is the pits and before I met my husband I went through this as an older teenager at Uni. The only way to stop it was to stop it. He lived in the room above me so avoidance was impossible and he didn’t want to avoid me, but I went full grey rock and chose to look elsewhere and do as many things as possible to fill my life. Hard days with loads of crying myself to sleep. Best thing I ever did, however. I learned a lot and started to like myself a whole lot better.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you, I know you are right.
I don't know how to find the strength not to reply when he's asking how I am, checking in on me etc. I feel it would be too rude to block him as there's no bad feeling at all.
I have stupidly wondered if he may message today on Valentine's Day, but of course he won't.
Honestly, I really feel that I want to have sex with him so that it's "out of my system" so to speak.
Maybe my infatuation would then be done.
I do wonder if that would help me to move on.....has this ever helped anyone else or am I being completely delusional here?

@fenellastripe

Revealing that the first thing you mention is the physical appearance. Flirty doesn't sound great - he'd be flirting with OW if you two got together.

This is the biggest turn off ever. Flirty my arse!!! Not a positive trait.

I had exactly this happen out of nowhere, This man was not at all my type in any way. I didn't like him as a person. but for some reason, one day, my animal brain was telling me to "mate with this one".

I changed my working hours to be there when he wasn't. It didn't work as he would pop in to the office. Sometimes I thought I would have a heart attack when I looked up and saw him. It was 100% physical. He would pop into the office to say "Hi" or drive by off-shift and wave at me through the window. He did try to flirt - heavily. He was a staff driver and often he would step up and offer to drive me home at night. An hour-long journey and I would be sitting there with steam rising off me,

After 6 months I decided I had to leave that job as it still wasn't stopping. I knew I wouldn't bump into him as he lived way the other side of town. Best decision I made but I should have made it much earlier. This had never happened to me before as a married person so I didn't know what was going on as I adore my husband (who is gorgeous as well as a lovely person).

The only way to stop this is to remove any chance of seeing this man again which means leaving your job. Hormones and chemicals raging that you cannot control, but your can control being in the lion's den.

You think that definitely you would not act upon this infatuation - but believe me, if it lasts long enough you will definitely want to.

Funny what you’re brain does, isn’t it.

Literally this started when we went out night and I caught him looking at me across a group of people. Something just clicked. I’d known him for a couple of months by that time and there was no interest at all prior. What is that about? Like, why did that click happen? It was literally like flicking a switch. So I guess I am intrigued as to why my response was ‘mmmm’ not ‘creep’ which it would have been if it was any of the other 6 guys there at the time. But that’s by the by.

Anyway. Yes you are all right that limiting contact would be the best. We work together so not easy but possible.

I’m not the other poster who has acted on hers, btw.

And I’m still not clear on how limerence is different from infatuation. Is it not just a fancy new word?

*your

I had several infatuations when my relationship hit the skids. They lasted approximately 8 weeks. Now I'm single and have none. Go figure 🤔. How long has it been?.
I very much enjoyed them and the dreams that went with them but I never flirted or made contact. I'd just say ride it out (figuratively speaking ) it'll pass. Mine did and as attractive as they were I thought 'what was I thinking' ?

@FallenFigs

Funny what you’re brain does, isn’t it.

Literally this started when we went out night and I caught him looking at me across a group of people. Something just clicked. I’d known him for a couple of months by that time and there was no interest at all prior. What is that about? Like, why did that click happen? It was literally like flicking a switch. So I guess I am intrigued as to why my response was ‘mmmm’ not ‘creep’ which it would have been if it was any of the other 6 guys there at the time. But that’s by the by.

Anyway. Yes you are all right that limiting contact would be the best. We work together so not easy but possible.

I’m not the other poster who has acted on hers, btw.

And I’m still not clear on how limerence is different from infatuation. Is it not just a fancy new word?

@FallenFigs mine first began over 20 years ago with that look across a bar we were all at. It's impossible to explain isn't it. I had no interest in him whatsoever up until that point. After about 3 months it all ended as I met my now H. But here I am again and we both still talk of "that look" where it all began. Crazy.

@donesomethingterrible the same guy 20 years ago and now?! Oh don’t tell me it’ll last that long. I’ll be retired

[quote donesomethingterrible]@Thewookiemustgo thank you, I know you are right.
I don't know how to find the strength not to reply when he's asking how I am, checking in on me etc. I feel it would be too rude to block him as there's no bad feeling at all.
I have stupidly wondered if he may message today on Valentine's Day, but of course he won't.
Honestly, I really feel that I want to have sex with him so that it's "out of my system" so to speak.
Maybe my infatuation would then be done.
I do wonder if that would help me to move on.....has this ever helped anyone else or am I being completely delusional here?[/quote]
Be honest with yourself. You say you've only kissed (I think?) and you're spending 'every waking moment thinking about him'.

How likely do you think it is that shagging him will make you get over it rather than reinforcing your existing feelings? You're kidding yourself. You'll be even more obsessed with him if you have sex too.

Take ownership. You're a grown up. You don't 'end up messaging'. It wasn't an accident. You aren't a passive bystander. You simply haven't blocked someone, haven't deleted their details but have proactively messaged them.

This is not a sustainable situation for you when it comes to your mental health. Let alone that of any other innocent parties involved like partners / kids. The only way to solve it is to cut contact.

@donesomethingterrible

I feel it would be too rude to block him as there's no bad feeling at all.

Again, be honest with yourself here.

It's not the fear of being rude that is stopping you, it's the fear of not having contact with him.

And there IS bad feeling! I get not in the 'falling out with someone' sense that you mean, but in the literal sense - because, well... you. feel. bad.

And it's entirely in your power to change it. Make a sensible decision.

The only time over had crushes have been when I've been unhappy in my relationship. Once was almost an exit affair (ended relationship before anything happened but started whilst in the relationship) and once very soon after the end of a relationship.

In both cases it was a mistake because I wasn't in a healthy mental place to make objective relationship decisions.

So as everyone says. Find out what's missing in your relationship and try and fix that.