How to get over infatuation

[FallenFigs]

I know I get attached too easily. I’ve become horribly infatuated with a colleague. We’re both married. I risk making a massive fool of myself.

So whilst I know all the logical reasons why I’ve become attached (flat marriage etc) what I need first is to know how to kill this infatuation. It’s intoxicating and distracting and taking way too much energy.

In my head I know the logic and also believe I can rise above it. But in practise the horribly needy part of me is indulging it and fuelling it. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Is there a psychological trick I can use to snap myself out of this swiftly?

Every time one of these thoughts pops into your head make an active choice to think of something else immediately.

Don’t oxygenate them by posting about ideas on how to stop on mumsnet and spending an evening focussed on these thoughts.

There’s no magic bullet. Stop posting about this man, interrupt thoughts about him, focus on your own marriage, cut out anything other than mandatory work discussions sure keep it friendly but that’s it.

I know it won’t be easy, but it’s the only way and I’m sure that on some level you realise this.

The question is whether you actually want to stop….

Also are others really ‘involved’? It’s just thoughts in my head, which I am trying to diminish.

When you want to stop you will, by doing all those things.

Yes they are involved because you will be giving off that vibe and all these thoughts about the other man will be creating even more distance between you and your husband.

Also are others really ‘involved’? It’s just thoughts in my head, which I am trying to diminish

I don't think so. As nothing has actually happened between you that's wrong.
You are not going to act on how you're feeling. And want to stop ... so I don't see how you're doing anything wrong.

I find it impossible to ignore this sort of infatuation but can take my mind off it for short periods by loosing myself in something else. Reading, listening to music etc. In fact I had a flirty thing with someone at work once and started listening to my iPod (shows how long ago) while at work for all the available time I could so we wouldn't be able to chat much. Kind of worked tbh.

@FallenFigs

Also are others really ‘involved’? It’s just thoughts in my head, which I am trying to diminish.

Yes because the grass is greenest where you water it etc.

Your infatuation is a distraction from the real issue - that you're not entirely happy in your marriage.

And for as long as you have the escapism of this infatuation, there won't be a huge impetus for you to change that.

You'll have your home life that you feel is a bit stale, with just enough excitement from your crush to sleepwalk into more and more time in limbo.

Stopping the infatuation will force you to address the real issue at play... your actual marriage.

Is your marriage strong enough / wanted enough by you for it to be your priority? If yes, stop this crush and focus on ways to get it back on track. If no, end it and focus on building a new life for yourself as a single person.

I think you need to grow up a bit, and recognise that we all have feelings we don't want sometimes. Children get upset about them, adults shepherd the feelings to prevent damage.

We don't get rid of feelings. If we could choose how to feel, we'd all feel blissfully happy all the time. If we could control our sexual feelings, everybody would choose someone to fancy/fall in love with who was a really good idea. You can't choose not to fancy this guy any more than you can choose not to like eating chocolate. You can only control your behaviours in response to these feelings.

”Or do we mean personality flaws?”

Yes, personality flaws.

”Thinking of any flaws feels a bit unkind in truth.”

Unkind to who? And why?

Because you’re in the grip of infatuation, crush, enthrallment, obsession, addiction, you’re not thinking straight.

I don’t mean that to come across as unkind, btw, nor am I criticising. I’ve been there, done that. The only way I got over it was going COMPLETELY cold turkey and blocking him from my life totally and forcing myself (yes forcing, initially) to concentrate on and improve other areas of my life.

Did you recoil in horror at the thought of doing that? Are you now sat thinking of validations as to why this isn’t possible?

It’s quite common to become obsessed/fixated on something (not necessarily another person, but the same principle applies) when “something” is lacking in your life and the subject of the obsession/fixation represents/highlights all that is lacking.

@FallenFigs I too would love to know how to send an infatuation.
Unfortunately ours crossed over into an affair, now over but I can't think about anything else still.
It is driving me crazy and I've been so down.

Some of these tips are really good though.
PS for me it's definitely what is lacking in my marriage 😞

End not send

@donesomethingterrible

I am going to have to go through that soon :(

[quote chillcumcarne]@donesomethingterrible

I am going to have to go through that soon :([/quote]
I feel for you, it has tore me apart. I stupidly ignored my better instincts and fell head first into something so amazingly passionate and exciting.

Now I have to quietly accept that it's gone whilst thinking about him night and day.

Why do we put ourselves in this position 😞

@FallenFigs agree with PPs, you will need to stop letting yourself indulge in thinking about him and stop as much contact as you can.

In my case the guy was objectively very attractive, I could tell many women at my work fancied him, but I worked very closely with him. I ended up quitting and it still took years (with maybe yearly "catch up" emails/calls, as he was a work reference) to completely let go. Sometimes the feelings would just randomly come back for no reason. It was so frustrating as I'm happily married but I realized I needed to force him out of my brain and my life. Now I can think of him/could probably see him and be fine, but I don't. We no longer have contact except if I need a reference, no hard feelings just lost touch and that's a good thing!

@donesomethingterrible

I am going to be heartbroken. How I am going to move on without him in my life I have no idea :(

Think about how you would feel if your other half were fantasising about copping off with the stunning curvy 21 year old who works at his local pub.

Now go home and appreciate your other half.

I think I know what you're saying OP. It reminds me of people saying they get infatuated with their therapist. They don't intend to go and jump into bed with a therapist but they do get infatuated in so far as thinking about them morning, noon, and night. People report feeling like life is on hold between each interaction and it kind of takes over every thought: you see a beautiful view and imagine they'd like it, you see the car they drive and think of them, you hear something funny and know they'd laugh.

The only way to deal with this is to look at you. Is this transference of some sort? Fulfilling some unmet meet probably from your childhood. You see, the thing is, even the best of us are smelly and cranky and downright horrible to live with sometimes, and this man will be no different. That's why your therapist or consultant or vicar's wife will not worship their spouse but treat them as another human, which is what they are.

If you build yourself up to feel so strong within yourself that you don't need whatever this man gives you, that is the only way to be truly free of the constant chatter on your head. And until you've built yourself up to that place, distraction is your best friend. I remember hearing so many marathon runners say they can't think whilst running, which is why they run: to be forced to switch off. I'm not suggesting you become a marathon runner but just saying if we busy our minds elsewhere then it helps.

Good luck to you.

@FallenFigs I can see that you are in The Fog - you love talking about him because it gives you that buzz all the while telling us that you are doing nothing wrong. Spend your energy fixing your flat marriage.

[quote chillcumcarne]@donesomethingterrible

I am going to be heartbroken. How I am going to move on without him in my life I have no idea :([/quote]
It has been almost 3 weeks for me and I have to admit I am still incredibly infatuated with him. I cried for a week, then got angry (with myself and him).
I woke up yesterday and told myself it's a new week, that I mustn't let him enter my thoughts. I've put a lot of energy into running and it is helping a tiny bit.
He contacted yesterday and oddly enough I don't feel back to square one, I think I'm ok. And you will be too @chillcumcarne - good luck x

But you’re already doing something bad to his wife because subconsciously you’ll be giving out an ‘I fancy you’ vibe which at best he will brush off at worst you could either destabilise his whole relationship if he feels the same, or come across as someone he needs to contact HR about

OP is a human being with her own sexuality and she’s developed a crush on a guy - god forbid 🙄
It happens OP, we’re not robots and it sounds like you’ve created a distraction for yourself from your own mundane marriage. You’ve not acted on it, you’ve not done anything wrong,
Maybe some therapy could help you work out what to do about your marriage and help you find other ways to fill the gaps in your life?

Think of it as rewiring a circuit so as pp said change your thoughts when you start to indulge in thoughts about him. It will take some practice. Realise crushes are totally normal and they fade.

Realise that he has a wife that loves him and has shared her tears, her laughs, her life with him and loves her partner.

Also worth mentioning try to build up some hobbies for your spare time.

Speaking from experience not judgement.

@ColdToTheBones great post.

“I don’t think about his wife as I’m not going to do anything”.

Show her this thread OP and let her be the judge of what you are doing? You are by your own admission ‘fuelling’ this in your head, if he has already said you’d like his wife more than you like him you’re having conversations that are straying into territory that his wife would find questionable. Affairs start in people’s heads, OP. Hopefully the thought that you are married and how much it would hurt your husband and his wife to know you fancy him will knock it on the head for you. Putting yourself in their shoes is the empathy being referred to.
Try putting the energy you spend fantasising about this man into your husband. I’ve said before ‘the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence, it’s greenest where you water it.’ You’re currently watering the wrong grass. Infatuations aren’t the end of the world and are normal. What happens next if you’re married is what everything now hinges on. Please make the right choice.

I am absolutely not going to make a poor choice and act on this. Hence the title - I do want this to fuck the fuck off! As it’s not fun.

But I do accept the comments about the fact it’s highlighting issues in my marriage. Although, others do say that even in ‘normal’ or happy marriages that crushes do happen and aren’t always a sign that things are terrible.

I have seen a therapist before, I know I have issues with attachment and can get very attached. But knowing something about yourself does not mean you can always control it. Same as the PP who made a comparison to chocolate.

Thank you for the comments that are from experience - there is comfort in knowing I’m not alone in feeling a bit hostage to all this.

@Onthedunes

Ok.

So everytime he gains a conquest he tells his mates about you.
Gossip will follow.

He's too attractive, more handsome than your husband and he knows this, just wants to add you too his ego list and get one over on your man.

The rest of your workplace knows you are making a fool of yourself and are laughing behind your back.

Your husband whilst you have been fawning over this om has been chatting up a gorgeous younger model, whilst you took your eye of fthe ball. You didn't see that one coming !

If you kiss him, you may catch anything from gingervitus, periodentitus other oral diseases and your teeth could fall out.

Not to mention the various contagious diseases that never leave your system like herpes, Epstein Barr virus, glandular fever and many more that could create terrible health problems for the rest of your life.

You could in turn pass these onto your children," give mom a kiss" Urgh

The sexually transmitted diseses, take your pick amoungst baterial, viral, fungal and paracitic ones.

Thats your starter for 10.
Still feel romantic?
Yuk

Keep him away from you, you don't literally know where he's been.
Just imagine him as a filthy disease ridden man.

Good Luck

Crikey, you’ve just put me off all men full stop! 😂😂

Feel for you OP. This is awful.

There is NO magic trick, switch or method that works apart from complete no contact. Including social media stalking Trust me, I was in limerance for 18 long hard months and I tried everything. Nothing worked apart from removing him from my life, completely. It took 3 attempts spanning that 18 months. I am now a few months into solid no contact and its fading. The infatuation remains, but not anywhere NEAR as intense

Seems like that's not an option for you though?