He sold me the dream… again

[Bush321]

Sorry I’m advance this is going to be long…

2016 I met a man he was amazing! We started seeing each other it was lovely. Spent most weekends with him, lovely holidays etc but he couldn’t fully commit. He put it down to the break up of his marriage 12 years prior. We tried to make it work but ultimately wot he has to offer me wasn’t enough.

I moved on met someone else, he remained single (as he had been in the time between his wife and I) we kept in contact purely as friends if u could even call it that. Just the odd message here and there. He often expressed how he regretted losing me and how he would do things different but i was with someone and well that was that.

I split up with my partner a while back. And my ex was keen to give it another go. I was reluctant as I had just came out of a relationship. But he played the long game, he was patient, supportive (I had a horrendous year last year) and basically said all the right things. Telling me if we were together he would be better, telling me he realised wot he lost and he wouldn’t do it again. He would tell me he wanted us to be together, to support me through the hard times, to make me happy, to commit fully.

After about a year I let my guard down… I let him in, at first it was amazing. I could see him anytime I wanted. After work, on the weekends, even for a coffee in the middle of the day. He was so loving at attentive, exactly wot I wished he was all those years ago.

But u guessed it. He’s reverting back to his old ways… I’ve asked to see him midweek after work 4 weeks in a row and there’s always an excuse. As it stands I see him 1 day a week, always a Saturday. We go out have a lovely time, I stay at his. He drops me at home the Sunday and that’s it! His messages have changed… he’s no longer loving and supportive it’s very general how’s ur day been stuff?

I feel like I’ve been sold the dream, and now he has me he’s fully backing off. I know him inside out, I see it happening all over again. Last Valentine’s Day wen I wasn’t invested in us he sent me flowers, bought me a book I had spoke of wanting for a while, I brought this up to him wen I seen him last Saturday. He laughed and said don’t be expecting the same again.

I really don’t know wot his issue is… or maybe it’s my issue. Was I expecting to read the same book and for the ending to be different? I think I may need to speak to him, I’m finding myself increasingly anxious about the situation and where it’s headed. Any advise would be much appreciated. Thank you

Sounds like you have been where I was.

Did you both agree what caused the initial split and work on that together?

The honeymoon of getting back together will fade and unless you dealt with the initial problems, they will resurface.

Also, the doubts will always come back regardless of what you done. You have to be strong and let them ride out. There is a lot researched and written about doubts kicking in.

You’ll get lots of negativity on this board so be mindful of that. You have to work at relationships and those that claim they are easy are living on a cloud.

Be kind to each other. Talk a lot. If you aren’t getting what you want, be the proactive one and say something rather than coming on here asking this lot of spinsters for advice.

Yeah we both agreed it was his lack of commitment/being able to show affection that ruined it first time round.

We spoke openly about this and he seemed to have changed… at least until I let my guard down to let him back in trusting he wouldn’t hurt me again. I was terribly hurt the first time. @TheSpecialist

I brought this up to him wen I seen him last Saturday. He laughed and said don’t be expecting the same again

He is telling you who he is, right here. He will make an effort in order to get you, once he thinks he’s got you, the effort will go. Once a week is plenty for him and so it will stay. If that’s not enough for you then end it now, he will not suddenly start wanting to see you more.

Don’t ‘speak’ to him. Tell him exactly what is not working for you. And tell him that it’s you aren’t happy and close to leaving.
If then there is no change, leave.
Or, if you are ready to walk now - walk.

Thanks @minipie that’s my thinking. Wen he was “chasing” me so to speak he used to talk about us doing things like working together during the week (the work we are in allows us both to work remotely) we both work from out separate houses.

He used to speak of us walking my dog together during the week… I am out every single nite and he’s always refused to join.

Just silly things… I feel stupid he told me wot I wanted to hear and never followed through with any of it.

He always says “he wants to miss me” he doesn’t want to be one of those couples who just see each other for the sake of seeing each other. This was never mentioned before we because official. I’m so confused

Go by his actions not his words.

@MMmomDD how do I broach this? I’ve tried to speak to him in a calm and happy way before, telling him what I didn’t like and he called me passive aggressive. Would he rather I lost my sht and bawled like a banshee?

He's messing you about, and he is a very, very selfish person. Get rid, and this time don't go back again.

@Aquamarine1029 I’m starting to agree. He told me he couldn’t believe he lost me once and he would never allow me to feel unloved or give me less than I deserved this time round.

Seems it was all lip service

This is a deliberate head fuck on his part. Remove yourself from this awful situation.

He’s lost interest OP
He’s not sold you a dream
He’s just lost interest

Happens all the time. You split with your previous partner.

@MadForBurpees u think so? I’m hoping he wouldn’t intentionally do this to me again. U think it’s deliberate?

@Toanewstart22 I wouldn’t agree he’s lost interest.

* I’ve asked to see him midweek after work 4 weeks in a row and there’s always an excuse. As it stands I see him 1 day a week, always a Saturday. We go out have a lovely time, I stay at his. He drops me at home the Sunday and that’s it! His messages have changed… he’s no longer loving and supportive it’s very general how’s ur day been stuff? *

Literally textbook lost interest

@Toanewstart22 maybe ur right

He's a chaser. He's a commitment phobe. He hasn't changed, not one bit, this is who he is. It's worse this time around because you thought he'd changed, but he hasn't. He can't.

If this - this now, this level of commitment - isn't what you want then you have to leave. This time, do yourself a favour and block him though because he'll chase you again and again, and you'll end up here again and again...

Sorry but he sounds like a right bellend

I guess the main question - are you prepared to walk if things don’t change? If yes, then you have nothing to lose.
If you don’t do well with telling him what you think/need/feel - then write it down.
Tell him what it is that is not working for you

• from your posts it seems that:

… you and him want different sort of relationships …. you don’t want a part time partner you see once a week, he is ok with seeing you once/week …. you want connection that is deeper and more engaged …. you also want to be able to have conversations about the relationship without being accused of being passive aggressive …. (Guessing here) you want something that feels like you are building a ‘one day’ life together

Generally - what is it that you actually want? Something that goes in the direction of moving in together?
What does it mean for you?
If you know - write it down

But I do think you need to prepare for you to walk. As he is very likely to shoot you down and try to talk you into status quo all over again

[quote Bush321]@MMmomDD how do I broach this? I’ve tried to speak to him in a calm and happy way before, telling him what I didn’t like and he called me passive aggressive. Would he rather I lost my sht and bawled like a banshee?[/quote]
Oooh, he's making you feel bad for expressing perfectly normal feelings and asking questions. That's manipulative! Accusing you of being "passive-aggressive" if your speaking calmly and respectfully to him smells of gaslighting too!
It sounds to me as if he was happy with the minimal effort and contact ye had before and once he lost it and had no woman at all, then found out you were single again, he played a clever game to reel you back in- "lovebombing" it's called- and now he's got you back and you're emotionally attached again, he's reverted to to his old behaviour and I suspect that's what he had planned all along. He just doesn't want to invest any more into his relationship with you than he did before , and what he's doing now. You can't force other people to change, OP! He likes it this way and doesn't want to change. I reckon if you want more from a relationship than this, you're going to have to finish this one and wait for a man who wants the same as you. Sorry!

Surely you know about the first flush of a romance. The honeymoon period.
As it lessens, there’s a fork in the road… either you want to pursue it regardless of the lack of first flush OR you’re not bothered and want it to wrap up.

You want the former
He wants the latter

Neither party has done anything wrong

It’s not enough. But he’s more than aware if I go this time I’m gone… no more chasing, I won’t be back @MaChienEstUnDick

Shame tho cos I thought he had changed. More fool me

[quote Bush321]@MMmomDD how do I broach this? I’ve tried to speak to him in a calm and happy way before, telling him what I didn’t like and he called me passive aggressive. Would he rather I lost my sht and bawled like a banshee?[/quote]
you don't speak, you don't discuss you end it.

@Bush321

It’s not enough. But he’s more than aware if I go this time I’m gone… no more chasing, I won’t be back *@MaChienEstUnDick*

Shame tho cos I thought he had changed. More fool me

So if he knows that And yet still he’s making excuses not to see you And sending you perfunctory messages Then… well he’s signing out

He's a dickhead.

surely it shouldn't be "if you go"? I mean why do you stay?