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Original poster

He sold me the dream… again

106 replies

Bush321 · 04/02/2022 14:17

Sorry I’m advance this is going to be long…

2016 I met a man he was amazing! We started seeing each other it was lovely. Spent most weekends with him, lovely holidays etc but he couldn’t fully commit. He put it down to the break up of his marriage 12 years prior. We tried to make it work but ultimately wot he has to offer me wasn’t enough.

I moved on met someone else, he remained single (as he had been in the time between his wife and I) we kept in contact purely as friends if u could even call it that. Just the odd message here and there. He often expressed how he regretted losing me and how he would do things different but i was with someone and well that was that.

I split up with my partner a while back. And my ex was keen to give it another go. I was reluctant as I had just came out of a relationship. But he played the long game, he was patient, supportive (I had a horrendous year last year) and basically said all the right things. Telling me if we were together he would be better, telling me he realised wot he lost and he wouldn’t do it again. He would tell me he wanted us to be together, to support me through the hard times, to make me happy, to commit fully.

After about a year I let my guard down… I let him in, at first it was amazing. I could see him anytime I wanted. After work, on the weekends, even for a coffee in the middle of the day. He was so loving at attentive, exactly wot I wished he was all those years ago.

But u guessed it. He’s reverting back to his old ways… I’ve asked to see him midweek after work 4 weeks in a row and there’s always an excuse. As it stands I see him 1 day a week, always a Saturday. We go out have a lovely time, I stay at his. He drops me at home the Sunday and that’s it! His messages have changed… he’s no longer loving and supportive it’s very general how’s ur day been stuff?

I feel like I’ve been sold the dream, and now he has me he’s fully backing off. I know him inside out, I see it happening all over again. Last Valentine’s Day wen I wasn’t invested in us he sent me flowers, bought me a book I had spoke of wanting for a while, I brought this up to him wen I seen him last Saturday. He laughed and said don’t be expecting the same again.

I really don’t know wot his issue is… or maybe it’s my issue. Was I expecting to read the same book and for the ending to be different? I think I may need to speak to him, I’m finding myself increasingly anxious about the situation and where it’s headed. Any advise would be much appreciated. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Fluffymule · 04/02/2022 16:15

Why waste any more time on this manipulative loser?

Hiding his awful and pathetic mind games behind a marriage that failed in 2004? Nearly twenty years on and he's still punishing willing women for his problems.

Seriously, you're younger, you've many better options just waiting out there for you. Choose something much better than giving this idiot any more headspace. Who cares why or how or whether he might change or start treating you withs some respect.

Take back your power and walk away. Be happy.

Awakened22 · 04/02/2022 16:19

If you’re not ready to cut and run (which it sounds like you should), try making yourself unavailable for a few Saturdays and see what his response is. If he can’t make time for you in the week, why should you always make time for him at the weekend…

ikeepseeingit · 04/02/2022 16:31

Agree with the suggestion of doing your own thing on Saturdays for a bit. Even just to let yourself know that you don't need his attention. I think it's VERY telling that everything is on his terms, even with his own mother. What a horrible thing to do, cutting a regular visit on her birthday because he can't be bothered. This is how he will treat you if you stay with him OP. You don't deserve that! You deserve a man who will give you flowers when he is with you on valentines day. A man that actually bothers to turn up.

Original poster
Bush321 · 04/02/2022 16:35

Yeah so this is wot I’m going to do. I’m going to write everything down tonite… leave it with him Sunday. And let him kno I won’t be available the next Saturday tell him I need to work. And if he wants to see me to discuss it we can arrange something next week.

Won’t hold my breathe tho

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 04/02/2022 16:50

Just walk away this evening OP, "sorry, this isn't working for me". No point in going to his tomorrow, waiting for him to change his mind. You're wasting your time and you're only hurting yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2022 16:52

@Bush321

Yeah so this is wot I’m going to do. I’m going to write everything down tonite… leave it with him Sunday. And let him kno I won’t be available the next Saturday tell him I need to work. And if he wants to see me to discuss it we can arrange something next week.

Won’t hold my breathe tho

This is such an absurd waste of your time. Stop these stupid games and just end it.
Original poster
Bush321 · 04/02/2022 16:53

Just spoke to him there. Again very how was ur day type chat. Told him my daughter and her boyfriend (who live in my home) were out for the nite and asked if he had plans as I was free?

He has no plans… may go for a swim… may go for a pint… but defo doesn’t want to see me till tomoro

OP posts:
Itsnotdeep · 04/02/2022 16:55

He sounds awful. He reeled you back in with empty promises.

I also can't stand it when they punish you for perceived misdemeanours. It's about control to get you to stay in line.

Anyway, you're not happy with him, you don't have to justify it. There are better men out there (or no men at all, which is better than being anxious and unhappy with a man).

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 16:56

He's training you nicely to look after his mum though, isn't he? Honestly every time you post something a little nastier slips out... This isn't just a commitment phobe, it's a really unpleasant person.

WheresTheJustice2 · 04/02/2022 17:02

Men like this never change OP.

In his own way he probably does care about you but it’s all about you fitting in with HIS life, rather than you sharing a life together.

Unless you don’t mind being an add on to his set up, leave before you become even more involved.

stripeyflowers · 04/02/2022 17:03

He loves the drama and thrill of the chase. He's not worth your time, OP.
He will never change.

MadMadMadamMim · 04/02/2022 17:09

@Bush321

Just spoke to him there. Again very how was ur day type chat. Told him my daughter and her boyfriend (who live in my home) were out for the nite and asked if he had plans as I was free?

He has no plans… may go for a swim… may go for a pint… but defo doesn’t want to see me till tomoro

Ah, just dump him!

Why's it all about what he wants? I'd be done with this tiptoeing round a selfish git like this.

Tell him politely (or rudely if you prefer) that you have lost interest in pursuing the relationship with him and that it's not going anywhere. Wish him all the best and then block him.

You can do better. And you'll never find 'better' whilst your wasting your time on this one. Raise your standards.

stripeyflowers · 04/02/2022 17:19

@Bush321

Just spoke to him there. Again very how was ur day type chat. Told him my daughter and her boyfriend (who live in my home) were out for the nite and asked if he had plans as I was free?

He has no plans… may go for a swim… may go for a pint… but defo doesn’t want to see me till tomoro

I'd be making plans of my own tomorrow. Plans that don't include him. And repeat!
Crucible · 04/02/2022 17:19

Ultimately people just don't change. Fundamentally selfish people remain so. He just wants a weekend only easy relationship, like having someone nice on a retainer.

When it's out of reach it's more attractive. Same old same old. Good luck OP, just dump him once and for all. There's no room for anyone nicer while you're waiting for him to change. Don't text or call when it's done.

Natty13 · 04/02/2022 17:29

[quote Bush321]@MMmomDD how do I broach this? I’ve tried to speak to him in a calm and happy way before, telling him what I didn’t like and he called me passive aggressive. Would he rather I lost my sht and bawled like a banshee?[/quote]
Oh, I have a good tactic for this. You need to act bored. Sounds weird but actually the opposite of aggression/passion/hate is apathy and total boredom.

I would not see him tomorrow, just turn him down (either tell him you're not up to it or just don't contact him/don't turn up) and give yourself another week to think how you want to do this.

Karenina40 · 04/02/2022 17:44

Ahhh ladies, pls, suggesting any mind games, "being busy" and "being unavailable" etc isnot going to work at all, ever. Just stop this before you totally lose your dignity, before you get hurt and make a total fool of yourself. He will not change, ever..... good women deserve much more, and there are so many good, decent men out there. Why waste time?

Elnetthairnet · 04/02/2022 17:49

Don’t waste your breathe trying to reason with him. He’s already shown you who he is - believe him. Walk away, he’s not a keeper. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

WildPoinsettia · 04/02/2022 17:49

[quote Bush321]@MMmomDD how do I broach this? I’ve tried to speak to him in a calm and happy way before, telling him what I didn’t like and he called me passive aggressive. Would he rather I lost my sht and bawled like a banshee?[/quote]
Yes because then when you're yelling he can say you're being unreasonable and refuse to have the conversation and make out all your problems in the relationship are due to your unreasonable wants. Basically, whatever you do, he'll make it so you can't win, so you're the one in the wrong, supposedly. You'll never get what you want from this man because all he wants is a casual relationship with sex once a week and he's already got that so why would he change? He'll only change if he's not getting what he wants, when you break up with him he'll persue you again. This cycle of getting your hopes up and letting you down will continue until you put a permanent end to it.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/02/2022 17:52

@Karenina40

Ahhh ladies, pls, suggesting any mind games, "being busy" and "being unavailable" etc isnot going to work at all, ever. Just stop this before you totally lose your dignity, before you get hurt and make a total fool of yourself. He will not change, ever..... good women deserve much more, and there are so many good, decent men out there. Why waste time?

Exactly!

Just tell him it's over and you don't want to see him any more

Buildingthefuture · 04/02/2022 18:18

I believe people can and do change, all the time. Unfortunately in this case, he hasn’t changed at all. Because he doesn’t really want to. He enjoys the chase, the thrill and then, once he has “caught” you, he enjoys the control and manipulation. He’s an insecure, selfish, entitled wanker. Cast him off op, like an unsuitable outfit, he’s worth nothing more….

TragicMuse · 04/02/2022 18:23

The first bit that stood out for me was that he wasn't able to commit after his previous relationship ended 12 years before. TWELVE YEARS? That's a ridiculously long time.

But what it did was lead you into thinking that he might be able to commit to you if you were 'better'. So he primed you from the off into this way of behaving.

But your other posts have shown that really he just uses you for a weekly shag and nothing more. He puts in NO effort to you or the relationship. Because he doesn't need to.

You're saying you'll tell him on Sunday. But why not now? Why not get your day back and do something that isn't dependant on you 'behaving'?

Honestly, you deserve more. Because he gives you nothing.

Karenina40 · 04/02/2022 18:23
Maybe worth watching, would you recognise some of the traits?
2Gen · 04/02/2022 18:31

@Bush321- I suspect he knows very well how much seeing his mother means to you and is using this to keep you dependent on his sparse attentions. The fact you've lost both parents (and I imagine you were young when they passed OP?) has made you vulnerable and he's playing on that, which is very manipulative. I find it disturbing.
I'm not sure it would be a good idea to keep seeing her or even if you could if you finished with her son. So, if you get rid of him you probably have to loose her too and he's relying on this to keep you hooked in. I still think you'd be best finishing with him , he sounds quite Machiavellian, which is the most dangerous of what is called "The Dark Triad" of personality traits. Please read up on it and on Cluster B personality disorders. I'm not saying he has a PD, but knowledge is power and it's always a good idea to know these things to help you avoid being sucked in by these sorts of people. "KNOW THY ENEMY" as Tsun Tzu ( The Art of War) said! He is not your friend, I think he sounds psychologically dangerous, so in reality, what else could he be only an enemy, only in disguise? Please put your own welfare first and dump him! I'm sorry!

Sunnyday321 · 04/02/2022 18:31

Don't be available tomorrow .

phizog · 04/02/2022 19:27

@MaChienEstUnDick

He's training you nicely to look after his mum though, isn't he? Honestly every time you post something a little nastier slips out... This isn't just a commitment phobe, it's a really unpleasant person.
This.

As much as you miss your parents, putting your own needs aside while focusing on his mum's is unhealthy. You're upset he chose to not see his mum for one week, yet ignore that you only spend half a day a week with your 'bf'???

You can date someone who actually wants to see you. Doesn't just use you to entertain their mum, honestly it really seems like he just needs company for his mum, not himself.

Please dump. He sounds nuts. Anyone who spends over a year waiting for you like this is a bit nuts. He is not bf material, you'd even see mates more than you see him.