Husband in rehab, am I being lied to? Suspicious

[Newhere1394]

Hi all. You may know a bit of info if you saw a previous thread. Since splitting with my husband 6 weeks ago due to his addiction, he has stayed clean & entered rehab day 3 today. He previously tried hypnotherapy which didn’t work and relapsed so now he’s in inpatient treatment in rehab for 14 days. Monday was his first day, come Tuesday he was telling me he hates it there and wants to leave and could handle it himself and it’s a waste of money, they gave him a medicine which is generally used before surgery for people who are fearful it’s calming. Today he is totally fine with staying there, however he chose today to tell me on his arrival, they checked all his belongings which he knew they would, yet in a pair of his ‘old’ jeans… he wore there on this day on checking, they found a bag of it in his buttoned up jeans pocket on arrival. He said today he told me because he wants to be honest, he wasn’t sure how I would react… he says it was old and shows how bad the problem got. I find it hard to believe he just happened to be wearing jeans with that in the pocket from the past… he had a clear out at his own place before leaving for rehab and I feel it’s more likely he found an old bag and put it in his pocket… they took it anyway, however that makes me wonder if that’s why he wanted to leave. I question if he is manipulating me or testing me/reactions. I feel maybe it’s a half truth. What would you guys think of this situation? He was/is CLEAN for 6 weeks going in, we separated 6 weeks ago so he would take things seriously. Just don’t know what to believe. He cleaned out his place before going and feel maybe he found the bag then. I mean what’s the chances of this happening!?

I've posted on your other threads.

I'm so sorry you are still beating yourself up over this man. Have you sought help yet so that you can detach emotionally and start your own recovery from the impact of his addiction on you?

Because that is the only thing worth thinking about here. Everything else is codependency. He is an addict. He will lie, he will manipulate, he will sneak, he will hide. 6 weeks clean is nothing and you have been told that so many times. Please focus on helping and supporting yourself and removing this man from your headspace.

You need to try to disengage for a few weeks at least. He has an addiction and he is going to behave like an addict. Three days in rehab doesn’t change that.

What you care about is what happens at the end of rehab. Who is he as the program is ending and how does he handle the transition back to the real world.

Pointythings talks much sense.

And for what it's worth, I have NEVER known a drug user to forget/lose/misplace their stash, or have "spare".

Yes I got a life coach & started art and dancing classes & im trying so hard to detach im so attached and invested in rehab working for him that it’s really got a hold on my emotions. Thanks for replying x

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, sounds really hard. Honestly, if someone is a drug user they are not going to lose their drugs. They are going to know where they are. "It just happened to be there and I'd forgotten" is probably one of the oldest, least thought out excuses ever.

Please reassess what you want from your life without being dragged down by him. I speak from experience when I say people with addiction rarely change (the person in my family never did).

After 9 years & 2 of addiction together I just thought this was the breakthrough. Considering he was 6 weeks clean going in it makes me doubt his true intentions if with a sober determined mind he went in there to change his life for himself, by his own account. It seems strange to me.

I think you're still much too enmeshed with him, is what I think.

You've split. He's in rehab. He shouldn't be texting you or calling you or trying his bullshit excuses on you.

Don't speak to him again at all until his rehab is completed, and then keep it to brief, occasional contact about practicalities. You need to have way, way less contact and focus on remaking your own, individual life. Block him if you have to.

10000% because I did want to support him should he prove he puts in the hard work. However I don’t even know what I want because I don’t even know what’s going to happen which is also a problem I guess.

I luuurve my chocolate - there is no way to that there is a spare bar I forgot about in a jacket pocket.

You should not be invested in his rehab because he is still tapping into your energy around it and it is inadvertently fuelling this system. He is testing you - he is seeing how far his lies and delusions stretch - which are his safety net.

You can’t support someone who is clearly still using and therefore lying to you as well as himself
As @TheQueenSnortsAvocados writes no addict has a stash somewhere they’ve forgotten about sorry

You’ve left him
Stay away
As long as you’re around he will manipulate you and fuck with your head in an attempt to engineer a scenario where his obviously enduring addiction is eclipsed by your love for him. That’s abuse

Addicts NEVER misplace or forget about the substance they’re addicted to. Particularly coke which is expensive. It’s a lot more likely he wasn’t clean for six weeks, he was taking less and he was taking it in to tide him over because he’s an addict and he’s scared to be without it.

He’s in active addiction which means he’s a liar (speaking as an addict and someone who works in the field). He was likely terrified of bring without it and brought a bag in with the thought ‘it’ll get me through the first few days till they make me better’

A life coach may not know about addiction or have proper family therapy or therapy skills but it’s better than nothing if you can’t access good psychological support.

Please check out Al-Anon and codependency, if you can’t get to meetings there’s podcasts in which people talk about their stories that you may relate to.

You are both locked in to habits of years which place you as the parent policing his life and him as the kid trying to trick you, that will take a lot longer and a lot more therapy and rehab to break out of.

If you’re not with him anymore and don’t plan to get back to him none of it matters, detach with love, be non commital - it’s very hard after years of your life, feelings, emotions, personality being dependant on his actions.

A good book is ‘you’re not crazy you’re codependent’

Good luck x

Find a proper, qualified therapist, not a life coach.

It sounds like you haven’t actually split up. You sound ‘codependent’ as PPs say.

Even if he gets and stays sober for some time - which most addicts sadly don’t - it’ll probably be a good while before he can be an even ‘barely OK’ partner.

Suggest minimising contact and getting help for yourself from someone well qualified.

@Newhere1394

After 9 years & 2 of addiction together I just thought this was the breakthrough. Considering he was 6 weeks clean going in it makes me doubt his true intentions if with a sober determined mind he went in there to change his life for himself, by his own account. It seems strange to me.

And 9+ years of him being a drug dealer too, which you knew about and still then had a baby with him and got married.

You really, really need to stop contact with him and focus on your little boy who is the innocent party in all of this because until now his safety and security hasn't been prioritised.

It's about time it was.

I just want to smash my head against a wall.

For the love of god run as far and as fast as you can from this addict who brings nothing but bad things into your life.
This thread is no different from all of your others.

I've read your other threads too and I agree that if you are still even having these conversations with him you are too involved and it's hindering BOTH of you. This sounds very difficult but continuing like this is not giving either of you the best chance to move forward.
I agree that a life coach is not going to be anywhere near as useful as an actual qualified therapist experienced in the psychology of addiction. If you can afford this life coach, I would recommend exploring therapy with someone reputable. Life coaches can have extensive coaching qualifications but are unlikely to have the expertise you need here.
The BACP are a good starting point to look for a therapist.
www.bacp.co.uk/

He was/is CLEAN for 6 weeks going in, we separated 6 weeks ago so he would take things seriously

So separate. Stop talking. There's no need to be in touch with him while he's in rehab.

It's giving him the chance to avoid fully committing to the work he needs to do in rehab as it's a distraction for him.

It's also giving you no headspace to extract yourself from what is a toxic as fuck relationship underpinned by your codependency with a drug dealer and drug addict.

And you say he was clean, taking tests to prove it etc. But he was also getting a mate to take them for him if I recall correctly. So hardly a reliable source over that six week period eh?

Put your son first and stop contact with this man while he's in rehab.

He's a drug dealer. He's scum. He has told you previously that if you split up he won't 'help' you out, by which I assume he means he won't financially or emotionally contribute to his son's life as a way to punish you for not wanting to be with such an arsehole.

You really, really, really need to stop this madness and prioritise your son who is innocent in all this.

And as a PP said, a life coach and art / dance lessons are not going to help you do what needs to be done in the immediate term which is to cut contact with this man and develop coping skills to stop yourself being drawn back into a relationship dynamic with him.

You need therapy and if you can afford a life coach / lessons etc then you can afford to start therapy. Cancel some subscriptions, sell some stuff (you must have had some pricey presents over the years from your drug dealing husband presumably)... do what you need to do to pay for therapy you desperately need.

Life coaches and hobbies can come later but you're in a crisis situation right now that will determine the next few years of your life at least.

Him being in rehab is a chance for you to reset your boundaries and clear your head. But you can't do that while you're speaking to him in any way.

And as a reminder of how recently he's continued to bullshit you, these posts of yours are from 3.5 weeks ago...

He blocked me since he left 2 weeks ago & I’ve had to arrange contact with our son for a few hours through his parents. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t stand by him & support him, he was so desperate to be with us as a family during his recovery from cocaine. He is also getting on with his life having fun with friends & I am a bit of a depressed hermit.

After ending a 9 year relationship with my ex partner due to his cocaine addiction. I have found out the tests he would do to see our son he has been very sneakily using his friends urine. His friend told me out of concern due to my sons dad severe overdose symptoms as of recent.

That you are even considering believing stuff he says, in fact that you're in touch with him at all, shows such a worrying lack of ability to safeguard yourself and your son that as I say you really do need to get some professional help (therapy, not a life coach as this crisis situation is not what they're for) immediately.

People have given the same advice over and over but you won't stop talking to him. That's the absolute best action you could take.

His addiction is his Other Woman.
End it once and for all.

He's so fucked up he's in rehab and he 'found' a bag in some old jeans that accidentally ended up in there with him in his packing and you are wondering if he is maybe telling the truth? Jesus, no. He's lying. Clean for 6 weeks but can't cope by day 2, also no, he's lying. Addicts don't lose drugs in the house like when you ind monr in an old bag. Also seen your other threads. Back off, you aren't helping him and he's destroying you. Such a waste of your life.

Do you know he was clean? Or did he tell you?
Addicts are the biggest liars around

You sound addicted to him, OP.

I agree with all @DileenODoubts says and I would say that a Life Coach may be able to help you on a surface level but that’s not what you need - a psychotherapist who has specific training in addiction would be a far better bet for you and should be a priority (I second looking at BACP for an accredited therapist with specific training). I haven’t read your other threads but coming to this cold the first thing that strikes me is that you need to stop contact, stop being pulled into the “is he/isn’t he” ruminations. He IS still lying to you.

Many people take gear into rehab then act shocked/angry/etc when it is found. He knew what he was doing - it was not an accident. I also very much doubt he was clean for 6 weeks. The only reason people are able to get clean is if they want it, not because someone has given them an ultimatum. The only good way for you to proceed is the remove yourself from this and cut contact.