Husband in rehab, am I being lied to? Suspicious

[Newhere1394]

Hi all. You may know a bit of info if you saw a previous thread. Since splitting with my husband 6 weeks ago due to his addiction, he has stayed clean & entered rehab day 3 today. He previously tried hypnotherapy which didn’t work and relapsed so now he’s in inpatient treatment in rehab for 14 days. Monday was his first day, come Tuesday he was telling me he hates it there and wants to leave and could handle it himself and it’s a waste of money, they gave him a medicine which is generally used before surgery for people who are fearful it’s calming. Today he is totally fine with staying there, however he chose today to tell me on his arrival, they checked all his belongings which he knew they would, yet in a pair of his ‘old’ jeans… he wore there on this day on checking, they found a bag of it in his buttoned up jeans pocket on arrival. He said today he told me because he wants to be honest, he wasn’t sure how I would react… he says it was old and shows how bad the problem got. I find it hard to believe he just happened to be wearing jeans with that in the pocket from the past… he had a clear out at his own place before leaving for rehab and I feel it’s more likely he found an old bag and put it in his pocket… they took it anyway, however that makes me wonder if that’s why he wanted to leave. I question if he is manipulating me or testing me/reactions. I feel maybe it’s a half truth. What would you guys think of this situation? He was/is CLEAN for 6 weeks going in, we separated 6 weeks ago so he would take things seriously. Just don’t know what to believe. He cleaned out his place before going and feel maybe he found the bag then. I mean what’s the chances of this happening!?

I would say leave him but apparently you have already, although it doesn’t appear like you have as you are thinking about him and trying to think the best of him etc. as though he’s still your DH and he’s in rehab rather than an ex you don’t need to think about at all…

Just stop. Take a step back and let him do his thing. If he makes it great. In the distant future you can consider dating him again IF he proves himself. After like six months of drug tests.

But I think we all know it’s unlikely that he will stay clean for any length of time.

You need to make a life for yourself and dc away from him. You are stronger than you think. Please try. You could be so happy away from him and his drama. You don’t need him in your life.

Think of it this way OP. A smoker will never go home without a packet of cigaretts. It is an addiction just like the drugs your DH is addicted to. Hes clearly trying to manipulate you. He tryed to get drugs in and was caught probably afraid you would be told anyway. Either way spending your life with this kind of waster he pointless. Your lives will always be overshadowed by his addiction.

FFS he is a drug dealing scumbag. You need a hell of a lot more than dance lessons to sort out your co-dependency with this pathetic man. Perhaps try putting your child first for once in their poor life.

Thanks for all replies! Agreed that a physiotherapist would be better suited to me. My son has came first and does come first. My time is also invested to my relationship with my son & his activities & he is in therapy himself also which I hope helps him with his emotions as a child. I do want rehab to work for him. I cared a lot about him, I’ve almost watched him die… I care a lot that he doesn’t die & I care that he does get better. I don’t want a relationship, I didn’t ask for him to tell me about anything he chose to but I did say if he could contact me if needed during the hours he has his phone in rehab if he was desperately needing supportive encouragement to stick it out & to speak to our son over the phone. I am aware that when I met this man I was naive and very young. I do have a vision for my future and it doesn’t include him as a partner. It’s very hard to let go of caring to all extents when it involves someone’s life is all I can say.

My son has came first and does come first

Sorry OP but you chose to have a baby with someone you knew was a drug dealer. Then married the drug dealer. Then stayed with the drug dealer when he turned out to be a drug addict too. Then continued to offer the supposedly ex dealer and supposedly ex addict emotional support during his supposed attempts to get clean...

None of that was putting your son first.

It sounds as though the growth of your emotional maturity perhaps ended when you met this guy, so while you're now late 20s (I'm guessing), you're making the kinds of decisions that someone in their late teens with limited life experience and lots of naivety would make.

And that would be fine I guess, it would be your prerogative to take that risk, if you didn't have a child who needs to come first.

If he can't get through rehab without contact then he isn't in the right headspace to get through rehab and he will fall at the first hurdle.

Because this current arrangement, where you aren't 'together' but he is leaning on your emotionally, is setting up a dynamic where he has made you partially responsible for his wellbeing and potential sobriety.

You know what that means? It means years of "if you don't let me come and see you and (son) I'll just go out and get coked up because I'll be so sad" / "if you loved me you'd let me have (son) this weekend but clearly you want me to fail so fine I'll go out and get wasted, happy now?!" / "you clearly don't care if we can't spend (xmas, birthday, whatever) as a family so I may as well just kill myself" etc.

Emotional manipulation. You're being manipulated right now and set up to be manipulated in future too.

When you said he needed to get clean what did he do? He got his mate to do the urine tests so you wouldn't know he took drugs and he went out and saw friends, had a laugh. All your words, not mine. Hardly the actions of a devastated man desperate to save his family.

Some things aren't fixable. Having a baby with a drug dealer is something that cannot be fixed and needs to now be managed. The way to manage for now it is to have no contact with him while he's in rehab and to spend that time yourself having therapy. Your therapist can talk you through what your next options are but right now, contact with this man is not in your son's best interests as it's taking up his mum's time and energy while also maintaining his mums bond with a figure who has put him at risk since the day he was born.

It's time to grow up I'm afraid. You aren't that young girl anymore. You need to take responsibility for the situation you and your son are in and put your son first from today on.

I didn’t ask for him to tell me about anything he chose to

You asked him to take drug tests to prove he wasn't using and he chose to pretend to do this whilst in fact using his mate's wee.

You then actively chose not to confront him about this as you said he is explosive when challenged.

None of this is anywhere close to safeguarding your son.

@Newhere1394

Thanks for all replies! Agreed that a physiotherapist would be better suited to me. My son has came first and does come first. My time is also invested to my relationship with my son & his activities & he is in therapy himself also which I hope helps him with his emotions as a child. I do want rehab to work for him. I cared a lot about him, I’ve almost watched him die… I care a lot that he doesn’t die & I care that he does get better. I don’t want a relationship, I didn’t ask for him to tell me about anything he chose to but I did say if he could contact me if needed during the hours he has his phone in rehab if he was desperately needing supportive encouragement to stick it out & to speak to our son over the phone. I am aware that when I met this man I was naive and very young. I do have a vision for my future and it doesn’t include him as a partner. It’s very hard to let go of caring to all extents when it involves someone’s life is all I can say.

Many of his here have suffered due to toxic or abusive relationships or relationships involving addiction. So our advice is experience. You don’t need to tell u how hard it is we’ve walked that walk. Not just talked the talk and said leave him for our shits any giggles

He’s not your life partner
He is a lying cheating drug addict
Look at the values and boundaries you claim to have and are keen to put in place for your child that this man their father is absolutely trashing

Get rid and get real before your playing at happy ever after costs you your child which it might well do

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I didn’t ask for him to tell me about anything he chose to

You asked him to take drug tests to prove he wasn't using and he chose to pretend to do this whilst in fact using his mate's wee.

You then actively chose not to confront him about this as you said he is explosive when challenged.

None of this is anywhere close to safeguarding your son.

Spot on

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I didn’t ask for him to tell me about anything he chose to

You asked him to take drug tests to prove he wasn't using and he chose to pretend to do this whilst in fact using his mate's wee.

You then actively chose not to confront him about this as you said he is explosive when challenged.

None of this is anywhere close to safeguarding your son.

To be clear on this, you said the following:

I haven’t told my ex that I know. I’d rather hold that card close to my chest due to how manipulative he is and how he explodes any situation that exposes truths

Wow. Baffling that you're so keen to support this bloke rather than prioritising your son. Whose dad hasn't been clean for six weeks, by the way.

If you don’t want a future relationship with this man why are you still contacting & visiting him? You could well be hindering any recovery by constantly throwing yourself into the mix. He has professional help and it is best to let that take effect.
Why would you want to bring your child up with a drug addict? Do you not see the messages this gives your child? 20 years from now what do you want your son to be—- a confident, happy young adult with a job or at Uni? Or repeating his father’s patterns of behaviour. ?

@Suzanne999

If you don’t want a future relationship with this man why are you still contacting & visiting him? You could well be hindering any recovery by constantly throwing yourself into the mix. He has professional help and it is best to let that take effect. Why would you want to bring your child up with a drug addict? Do you not see the messages this gives your child? 20 years from now what do you want your son to be—- a confident, happy young adult with a job or at Uni? Or repeating his father’s patterns of behaviour. ?

This.

And he's not just a drug addict (apparently for only two years) but a drug DEALER for the last decade. Dealing (especially on a large scale as OP said he was a kingpin apparently) is such a sign of terrifyingly poor moral fibre and character shaped by ego and greed.

OP he's been a dealer. For a decade. You knew this going in and decided to have a child with him. That was a very wrong and selfish thing to do. As was marrying him to further link yourself and your child to him - a criminal.

Now it's time to do whatever you can to put. Your. Son. First.

I’m really sorry OP, but I think you need to hear this. You are not putting your son first. You aren’t even safeguarding him. You are choosing instead to keep jumping through these BS hoops with his drug addict, drug selling father. Just look at the number of threads you’ve posted about this in 4 weeks. And that’s with half of them getting deleted!
We’ve all told you the same thing. Over and over again. But you’re not ready to listen. Just like he probably isn’t actually ready to truly get clean or change his life.

He’s definitely lying.

He thought he’d get found out so got in there first and tried to act like it was his choice.

As PPs have said disengage and concentrate on yourself.

Just to update all, I do appreciate the advice & this is also a life changing time for me, which I’m trying to do my best in and to recover from. I understand why contact needs to be cut & can see a lot of you are talking from personal experience. Also to add I have not visited him. Contact arrangements are still in place as they were and nothing about that has changed, for our son. Our son is not visiting him in rehab neither am I. Yes it is time I grow up and leave the situation alone. It’s out of my control & I struggle with knowing there’s nothing I can do to stop him from one day potentially almost dying again… it breaks my heart in many ways that fact alone. Thanks for the advice & will take on board the most important things people have reiterated kindly. & I apologise to those who may literally think I’m absolutely stupid posting on here again.

Op you are addicted to this man.
I also replied in good faith to some of your previous posts, in good faith, with my own very personal experiences. Experiences I have spoken to very few people about. You replied in such a way I felt I’d been able to offer my own painful traumatic memories, and that ultimately you appeared to have at least taken on board both mine and several other pps words and advice.
It appears now you are set in your ways and determined to go down a destructive path, continuing to involve yourself with this vile man. I absolutely resonate with the guilt and the “what ifs” and the clinging to hope for a different future. It won’t happen. He is an addict at best. At worst a nasty, controlling, abusive, manipulative, bullying waste of oxygen.
Consider your future op if you continue even the minimum contact with this waster. There will (if not already happened) come a time where social services will be involved due to your perceived inability to safeguard your son. This man again if not already, will become known to police. Again this will trigger authorities becoming involved to ensure your son is not affected by this mans delinquent behaviour. He is following all the steps and behaviours my ex did. Resulting in physical abuse, emotional abuse to my son and he is now awaiting sentencing for harassment to me including other offences. This was after I’d blocked all communication from him. I was told I. No uncertain terms that my ex was completely unsuitable to be around my child and if I (as many women conditioned to accept abuse do) allowed this to happen there would be serious risk of my son being taken from me. I wouldn’t have done this however, I’m just stressing to you the serious consequences you are setting yourself up for. He’s no good to you and especially not your child!
He’ll bring nothing but pain and stress to you. As an adult you can maybe live with this to a certain extent, it’s your choice I guess. The emotional scars and potential long term damage he WILL bring to your child is something you can prevent.
I have nothing else to say to you as I feel a bit frustrated tbh. I get it, I do. However your son is more important. You are shaping him as to who he will be as an adult now. Make the right choice, please

Thank you for in good faith again taking the time out of your day to put effort into trying to advise me again. Sometimes I do so well for weeks at a time and on such a good path but the moment I still allowing any communication i can see I make it harder for myself. I’m going to book in with somebody more relevant like a physiotherapist as others have suggested. I do not want that life anymore I have chosen to walk away, I have not changed my mind on anything. Rehab is a big step for anyone and I felt that when he spoke to me from there that I was interested to hear how it was going but I can see how the communication got me caught up in hopes & I can see what you’re saying is true. I am in a process and I am doing much MUCH better than 4 weeks ago. I suppose that I have effectively put this emotions on myself by accepting the calls. That I need to be responsible and leave things be. It’s horrible as part of me feels like he needs me to some extent for his darkest moments, he makes me feel he has nobody then I feel guilty. Yes I can see exactly what that is doing and what that is. I am not stupid but it’s very very easy in that moment to not see it for what it is. Ultimately everyone’s helpful words ARE helpful. I do appreciate it and do not want to frustrate or annoy anyone. Posting on here originally has helped me to make progress which I can’t really prove or show to anyone but there is progress I’m feeling so much better about my life than I did at the start when all this first happened. I feel relaxed calm and safe in my home & I would never put that into his hands again.

Why are you taking calls from someone so self centred and abusive. His rehab should mean he focuses on his own issues and makes no contact. Do you seriously believe he packed old, long unlaundered clothes and just "forgot"

No I don’t believe that…. Whatsoever. I have stopped taking calls. However I did take 2 previously… curiosity killed the cat I guess. I need to stop being okay with communicating just out of fear of how things are going the only reason i entertained the call was to hear him say how he’s doing but I can see that’s just not benefiting me to know.

He’s not going to change op. He’ll get worse if anything. It’s your choice to stay in the car crash with him or walk away and rebuild your life. I e been no contact with my ex for a few months now. I cannot tell you how much better I feel, how much brighter and happier my son is. What would be the worst that could happen of you block him completely?

@Newhere1394

Thank you for in good faith again taking the time out of your day to put effort into trying to advise me again. Sometimes I do so well for weeks at a time and on such a good path but the moment I still allowing any communication i can see I make it harder for myself. I’m going to book in with somebody more relevant like a physiotherapist as others have suggested. I do not want that life anymore I have chosen to walk away, I have not changed my mind on anything. Rehab is a big step for anyone and I felt that when he spoke to me from there that I was interested to hear how it was going but I can see how the communication got me caught up in hopes & I can see what you’re saying is true. I am in a process and I am doing much MUCH better than 4 weeks ago. I suppose that I have effectively put this emotions on myself by accepting the calls. That I need to be responsible and leave things be. It’s horrible as part of me feels like he needs me to some extent for his darkest moments, he makes me feel he has nobody then I feel guilty. Yes I can see exactly what that is doing and what that is. I am not stupid but it’s very very easy in that moment to not see it for what it is. Ultimately everyone’s helpful words ARE helpful. I do appreciate it and do not want to frustrate or annoy anyone. Posting on here originally has helped me to make progress which I can’t really prove or show to anyone but there is progress I’m feeling so much better about my life than I did at the start when all this first happened. I feel relaxed calm and safe in my home & I would never put that into his hands again.

He's a monster, I agree with the last couple.of posters completely, keep going like this OP, keep damaging your son, be prepared to lose him so that SS protect that child from both his parents, he needs keeping safe from you too.. Rehab isn't a big step, he isnt some fragile victim, he is dangerous and if you can't hear that from others or see that then so are you. You have exposed your own child to this and still you are minimising and protecting your own position and decision making, its is absolutely terrible, negligent parenting.

I’m glad to hear you’re much happier now and your son. The worst thing no contact could do long term, is…. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how he would eventually get. I know I can always take a restraining order if needed. I doubt it will be necessary I guess I honestly just don’t know. I have been no contact during some periods of time but rehab was a big step he took and we communicated about that 2 times. I can go no contact again it’s not going to be difficult for me to not speak to him as such. It’s more so the worry of what will happen to him & I suppose having a small insight on what’s going on is a sort of knowledge of where his life is at. Contact will begin at my sons grandparents with him again after rehab. For a few hours on a weekend supervised with them.

Op I think you need proper therapy. You should not be in touch with this man at all, and prioritising your son.

Since I found out the truth about everything I did kick him out, I haven’t let him back. I have filed for divorce. I am making progress & I do want a better life. Yes he isn’t a fragile man but nobody wants to end up an addict. I’m aware it’s a brain disease. I have seen him in terrible ways and that scares me of his future. I am not in regular contact by any means & I have not seen him since I kicked him out. I am trying to do the right things now. Thanks again for helping me see cutting contact entirely is needed so I can fully focus on mine and my sons life which I am trying to do to the best of my ability. I do feel safer more relaxed and calm at home in turn so much my son. I will never be giving that up. I only want to be happier and I’m sorry if having thoughts about things and sharing them & asking for opinions here annoys anyone… I am and have taken much on board.

Also you don't need physio, a physiotherapist? Oh come on! You need psychotherapy, treatment. After all these threads of yours that daft little detail makes me think this can't be real. What a wind up you are. Drip drip dripping wide eyed naive thoughts and behaviours around such a dangerous man and you supposedly responsible for a child.

My phone spell checked it because I misspelled it that’s all. I did mean a physiotherapist. Perhaps they can help me get to the bottom of why I have a shred of worry for if he ends up dead or not because that is my main concern ultimately.