Husband in rehab, am I being lied to? Suspicious

[Newhere1394]

Hi all. You may know a bit of info if you saw a previous thread. Since splitting with my husband 6 weeks ago due to his addiction, he has stayed clean & entered rehab day 3 today. He previously tried hypnotherapy which didn’t work and relapsed so now he’s in inpatient treatment in rehab for 14 days. Monday was his first day, come Tuesday he was telling me he hates it there and wants to leave and could handle it himself and it’s a waste of money, they gave him a medicine which is generally used before surgery for people who are fearful it’s calming. Today he is totally fine with staying there, however he chose today to tell me on his arrival, they checked all his belongings which he knew they would, yet in a pair of his ‘old’ jeans… he wore there on this day on checking, they found a bag of it in his buttoned up jeans pocket on arrival. He said today he told me because he wants to be honest, he wasn’t sure how I would react… he says it was old and shows how bad the problem got. I find it hard to believe he just happened to be wearing jeans with that in the pocket from the past… he had a clear out at his own place before leaving for rehab and I feel it’s more likely he found an old bag and put it in his pocket… they took it anyway, however that makes me wonder if that’s why he wanted to leave. I question if he is manipulating me or testing me/reactions. I feel maybe it’s a half truth. What would you guys think of this situation? He was/is CLEAN for 6 weeks going in, we separated 6 weeks ago so he would take things seriously. Just don’t know what to believe. He cleaned out his place before going and feel maybe he found the bag then. I mean what’s the chances of this happening!?

@Newhere1394

My phone spell checked it because I misspelled it that’s all. I did mean a physiotherapist. Perhaps they can help me get to the bottom of why I have a shred of worry for if he ends up dead or not because that is my main concern ultimately.

Psychotherapy**

Maybe they can help you get to the bottom of why you haven't kept your child safe.

@SantaHat

I’m really sorry OP, but I think you need to hear this. You are not putting your son first. You aren’t even safeguarding him. You are choosing instead to keep jumping through these BS hoops with his drug addict, drug selling father. Just look at the number of threads you’ve posted about this in 4 weeks. And that’s with half of them getting deleted! We’ve all told you the same thing. Over and over again. But you’re not ready to listen. Just like he probably isn’t actually ready to truly get clean or change his life.

Agree.

You need to stop feeling bad about what your ex is going through and start feeling bad about the position your son has been put in.

And you also need to stop focusing on him being an addict and start focusing on the fact he was a dealer for a decade and only (apparently) stopped when his addiction came to light.

Dealers are dangerous. They care so little for others that they knowingly put their loved ones in danger of reprisals, they knowingly put users at risk of addiction / death and the industry they support contributes to other criminal activities such as prostitution and human trafficking.

Dealers are the lowest of the low. That's who he is. He fundamentally is someone that lacking in morals.

You should be relieved in some senses that he's far more likely to fuck off back to his kingpin lifestyle than he is to get an entry level job for minimum wage. Because that'll mean he's out of your lives.

Not a chance this bloke will get clean, get out of rehab and earn an honest living starting from say £18k a year for a full time role as he's no experience in anything other than dealing. He'll miss the money and the lifestyle and he'll try to guilt / persuade / bribe you into getting back with him.

This is why therapy is vital. You say you wouldn't ever get back with him but you also found out he was faking his drug tests by using a mate's wee and actively chose to not confront him, but to instead continue allowing him to have access to your son, as you're afraid of his explosive reactions. So your boundaries and ability to safeguard are way off.

Therapy for you and some parenting courses for you (which can be genuinely invaluable in these sort of situations) would hugely benefit you and your son.

OP I don’t know if it matters whether he was clean or not when he arrived.
He may have lied - he probably did, because addicts will lie over and over again.

I suppose for him what matters is that he commits to getting clean and making permanent changes. And you will only know if he is capable of that in the future when he has proved it consistently. You’re talking years - not months and certainly not weeks.

Must be really hard for you OP

@Suzanne999

If you don’t want a future relationship with this man why are you still contacting & visiting him? You could well be hindering any recovery by constantly throwing yourself into the mix. He has professional help and it is best to let that take effect. Why would you want to bring your child up with a drug addict? Do you not see the messages this gives your child? 20 years from now what do you want your son to be—- a confident, happy young adult with a job or at Uni? Or repeating his father’s patterns of behaviour. ?

This is really important.

Your DS has a very high risk of ending up as an addict as a teenager just from where he is in his life today.

The odds are stacked against your DC.

Your job is to try to reverse the impact to date - that’s a huge job and it involves been 1000000% focused on your DC and keeping your DC well away from this character and his manipulation.

Let him go love.

Like he needs to go through an amount of time without any of his addictive substance -
You need to go without HIM for an amount of time. Go cold turkey with him. Block his number, say you will message him in 6 weeks to see how he is.

It will be hard at first, You will get SO much of your headspace back , you will wonder why you stuck with him so long.

I know you are making an appointment with a psychotherapist, which is a great step.

You could also try Nar-Anon, which is like Narcotics Anonymous, but for people affected by someone else's substance use. Also, "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie would be a good read/ audiobook

Focus on yourself, your boundaries, and lovingly detaching from this man. He is in rehab, and should be concentrating on his recovery, not calling you to keep manipulating you with what his addict brain is trying to tell him he can get away with.

You deserve better.

Good luck

I wouldn't say I used to be a coke addict but I used it a lot in my younger years. I knew where every single bag was all the time.......I NEVER unexpectedly came across one randomly one day while tidying up!

Is this the same one who drug drove with your son in the car? Get rid of this waste of space out of your life op

He's not clean, he has no intention of it. And you are not listening. Why are you even giving this headspace??

Go look after your son, for Christ's sake!

I’d be surprised if he’s even in rehab, I’ve known two people who entered rehab and their phones were taken from them, they were not allowed outside contact for a certain period of time while they worked on their issues.
It doesn’t matter what did or didn’t happen, you need to let go of this man, look after yourself and your child, your child needs to be protected, cut contact.

I do not want that life anymore I have chosen to walk away

You haven't though? You're still acting like you are still in a relationship - you even let slip in the op that you haven't really ended the relationship, you have just pretended to separate in the delusion of him changing this time.

I say that from a place of familiarity with your previous threads. Do you ever go back to them to reflect on whether you are taking the steps you resolved to follow?

You are as addicted to him as he is to his drugs.

You say that you have separated. No, you haven't. You are as emotionally with him as you've ever been. Him being in rehab should mean that you have no contact whatsoever. This is your 14 days. Yet still you are taking calls/texting/whatever.

Block his number. Switch off from him. Concentrate on your child.

Your not going to though, are you. You're not even trying. You need rehab from him.

Oh FFS, get away from this man.
Block his calls.
Do not see him.

Undertake a commitment to change.
Make safeguarding your child your priority - that means getting this man out of your life & your child’s life.

His going into rehab has offered you a fresh start, an opportunity to do things differently. Don’t throw this away by indulging yourself.

@Newhere1394

Thank you for in good faith again taking the time out of your day to put effort into trying to advise me again. Sometimes I do so well for weeks at a time and on such a good path but the moment I still allowing any communication i can see I make it harder for myself. I’m going to book in with somebody more relevant like a physiotherapist as others have suggested. I do not want that life anymore I have chosen to walk away, I have not changed my mind on anything. Rehab is a big step for anyone and I felt that when he spoke to me from there that I was interested to hear how it was going but I can see how the communication got me caught up in hopes & I can see what you’re saying is true. I am in a process and I am doing much MUCH better than 4 weeks ago. I suppose that I have effectively put this emotions on myself by accepting the calls. That I need to be responsible and leave things be. It’s horrible as part of me feels like he needs me to some extent for his darkest moments, he makes me feel he has nobody then I feel guilty. Yes I can see exactly what that is doing and what that is. I am not stupid but it’s very very easy in that moment to not see it for what it is. Ultimately everyone’s helpful words ARE helpful. I do appreciate it and do not want to frustrate or annoy anyone. Posting on here originally has helped me to make progress which I can’t really prove or show to anyone but there is progress I’m feeling so much better about my life than I did at the start when all this first happened. I feel relaxed calm and safe in my home & I would never put that into his hands again.

Are you sure he is even in rehab? You say he is on day three but you have spoken to him. I have been in rehab myself and my experience and understanding is that all contact with the outside world is forbidden (and impossible, they take your phone, laptop, iPad etc) for the first seven days. And yes I think he tried to sneak the stash in but was caught and he is an idiot to think he wouldn’t be caught, they search, they test throughout the stay.

Anyway, maybe you bring sure he is in rehab is not the issue as you should be getting away from this life.

@Newhere1394

10000% because I did want to support him should he prove he puts in the hard work. However I don’t even know what I want because I don’t even know what’s going to happen which is also a problem I guess.

Block move on get happy

part of me feels like he needs me

@newhwre1394
This is the problem you have to talk about with the therapist you hire.

Your need to be needed comes from a view of yourself as someone whose love can turn someone completely unavailable to you into Prince Charming.

You have to unlearn this and rebuild your entire personality, your idea of what it is to be loved. Can you see how dancing lessons are not going to cut it here?

You are clinging to your idea of this man in order to avoid finding true intimacy and true mutual love with a man who is the human equivalent of a used car that has been in several serious accidents.

He is a vanity project. You have to find out why you seek someone who will never be equal to you, and why you think he is so essential to your life.

Please don't be involved with addicts. Speaking from experience, they will destroy your mental and physical health with the stress.

He lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.

That's what they do.
He's a liar and an addict.

You're horribly codependent, aren't you?
Please get some professional help so that you can bin this absolute loser of a man.

Op please visit Sober Recover friends and family of substance abusers.

It's an invaluable resource if people who have felt your feelings and walked your path but come out the other side.
These people will help you process and understand what's happening in a truthful non judgmental way.

I have been where you are and there is no happy ending.
There is NO happy ending.
You must learn to love yourself and let go of the idea of this man.
All he wants his is addiction. He is not now and never will be present or available for you or your son.

Nothing YOU can do will ever change this. It is not within your power.
You must only mind your side of the street which is taking care of you and your son.

There is no future here with this man. The quicker you rip the plaster off and accept this the quicker you will heal and move on

Hi OP, I can see you are having a very hard time in your life right now. The posters on this thread and on your previous threads have offered great advice. I just wanted to add please read through your own posts,carefully. I think you will see that most of them are about him. You hardly ever write about your child or yourself. Everything is about him. This is why so many posters gently keep saying that you are still involved with him. I hope you can let him go. Your life with your child could be wonderful, without this horrible energy and life sucking man draining you.

Why would he go to rehab if he was clean for 6 weeks? Makes no sense.

Just put your child first and dump this man.

Addict = liar. Nothing he says will be true.

Beyond him being an addict - looks like that’s the least of your worries - he is a dangerous criminal who continues to you and your son at risk and a nasty, manipulative abusive man.

Take away the addiction and you still have the nasty, abusive, manipulative criminal.

Like PPs had said, phones aren't allowed in rehab or other inpatient mental care facilities.

Have you blocked him?