My adult son despises me

[Angelswithflirtyfaces]

I blocked my adult son on messenger today after yet another day of vile messages, threats and false accusations.
I feel so low but its been going on for years and I am so weary of trying to keep the peace with him.
I have tried tough love, then empathy, no contact, low contact, wait and see aporoach, every strategy to have a decent relationship.
But today I snapped. After being accused of stuff that isnt true, I feel done. The abuse and manipulation from him over the years has been immense. Financial, physical and emotional.
Has anyone been in this situation and recovered?
I just feel like a failure. I am doing agency supply work at minute and got very upset at work. There are permanent jobs coming up, and I do not want to be seen as the person who is crying at work. But today I just broke down.
I have a younger son who I have a fab relationship with and is even buying a house a few doors down from me, so I know it cant all be me?
I just want to know how to cope with the sadness. He has a 14 month old ( no longer with mother) and has been resentful that I still see him. My heart is broken by his cruelty and spite.

The way your son has turned out is not your fault. His behaviour is not your fault. He is an adult and has to take responsibility for his own words and actions.

I hope you can access some help for yourself to come to terms with who your son is, and find a way forward to have a more peaceful life.

You can't be his punch bag for ever. You have to look after yourself.

Try and put it out of your mind and see how you feel in a few months.

Have you ever had any counselling? If not, try it. It might really help you. Look for a BPAS counsellor.

Sorry op this must be incredibly hard for you.
This is not your fault, and it's great you maintain a relationship with you DGS.
Go for the job if it's what you want. Don't let him hold you back or influence your life in any way.

Explain to him briefly, you are done and not to contact you again. Then block him on everything and take no messages etc. He sounds like an abusive husband. Break the bonds and leave him to his nastiness

Thank you all for your responses. Its helpful to not feel as alone. How sad that he hates me so very much.
My mum thinks he is getting worse, she was always sticking up for him but even she told him enough for the lies he has been telling about ne. Its like he is rewriting the past? God knows I was not a perfect parent but this is just insane. Telling me my friends spat at him when he was a toddler? That I pushed him out of pushchair and broke his teeth?? He actually believes these events took place.
I abhor violence to children, the recent cases in the news of the toddlers made me sob for days.
He was diagnosed with BDP last Autumn. He refuses help says its all my fault and his neglectful abusive childhood. He now threatening to name and shame me on social media as a prolific child abuser.
I actually felt like dying today. Such a cruel person. I am so ashamed people must think its me.

This has to be heartbreaking for you, hoping, wishing for better. The relationship you have with this son sounds as if it’s been dogged with pain for a long time. You don’t reward bad behaviour, cutting contact stalls his vileness, well done you.

That sounds so difficult. How old is he? There's a difference between 18 and 35, could it be a case of maturity (or lack of)?

How is his relationship with your other son?

My mum has a brother like this. Very very abusive and cruel. Makes things up and calls her horrible names. I think he definitely has a disorder and my mum will try and defend him saying that he can’t help it. But there is only so much you can blame on mental health and the rest is just cruelty. My uncle is also horrible to my nana (his mum) and causes so much grief. You don’t want to be like my nana, 80 years old and still brought to tears by cruel comments from her son. Cut contact as much as you can is my advice

Did he have a stressful childhood? Because posters saying it's not OP's fault and she's blameless don't actually know how he grew up.

There are often trauma-related factors in PDs.

Does he take drugs?

I'm sorry to hear this. I have brothers who are similar. One is furious that we're in touch with the mother of his child. The other accused me of all sorts. Both have physically attacked other siblings. It is definitely a mental health problem but that doesn't mean I want to be a punch bag so I keep my distance. You should do the same, it's not your fault

Did he have a stressful childhood? Because posters saying it's not OP's fault and she's blameless don't actually know how he grew up.

There are often trauma-related factors in PDs.

This

Your loved and nurtured children do not always turn out like you hoped they would. Your son sounds very bitter with a victim mentality. As long as he can blame you and everyone else for his problems then he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for them. He never has to look at his own behaviour or his own life choices.
Look after yourself, block him for now and think about what would help you to feel stronger and less broken. You can’t change the past, you did your best and it wasn’t enough. You were probably a good enough parent but he has BPD, you didn’t know that, he didn’t know that, it’s not all your fault. Drop the rope and take a breather.
I dropped the rope five years ago. I feel sad that my son doesn’t speak to me but relieved that I don’t have his vitriol in my life. Sending you hugs and 💐

Borderline personality disorder is such a tricky condition. people living with the condition can be notoriously difficult to treat.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

Borderline personality disorder is such a tricky condition. people living with the condition can be notoriously difficult to treat.

That says a lot about the treatment to be fair.

Also it’s not something people are always stuck with, lots of people get better but you don’t often hear about the success stories.

It sounds like your son is going through a rough time op. I hope if isn’t always like this.

That says a lot about the treatment to be fair.

It says a lot about the disorder. PDs used to be considered 'untreatable' by many. DBP has changed that but it's still incredibly challenging. And extremely hard work for the person accessing treatment.

I'd echo that those with BPD frequently have experienced trauma in their childhoods. That might be something explicit, such as physical abuse, or something more subtle such as emotional abuse or neglect.

Perhaps there are issues you both need to think about?

It does strike me that your posts focus mostly on how you may not get your job because you’re crying at work and also you worry about what other people on social media may think of you. You skim over how you feel (or felt) about the actual relationship between you and your son. You mention you weren’t a perfect parent but that’s all we know.
I don’t blame you for feeling awful about things now - but have you asked yourself or anyone who knows you how things could have come to this? I’m not saying it was your fault - it could have been anything - but exploring it may give you an idea of how he perceives things.

You may have been a different mother to your older son than you were to your younger son. And they are two different people too, there's no room for comparison.

I love that phrase 'I wasn't a perfect parent', my father uses it and he was an utter dick as a parent and as a husband, too. He likes to brush over inconvenient topics this way.

IME there's no smoke without fire. And it may very well be the case that he's like this with you for a very good reason, or multiple reasons, of which we do not know. I agree with pps saying you focus more on yourself and your job than on understanding your own child. A lot of deflection in your posts, and asking for sympathy without giving a full picture.

Is it worth exploring Family Counselling ? He would less likely to be abusive and you may be able to build some bridges by talking through issues.

It does rely on him agreeing to go though.

I think many mothers in your position would comment on how much they had loved him when he was small and wonder how things could have changed so much between you. You haven’t said anything like that. What was your relationship when he was a child?

@MrsTerryPratchett

That says a lot about the treatment to be fair.

It says a lot about the disorder. PDs used to be considered 'untreatable' by many. DBP has changed that but it's still incredibly challenging. And extremely hard work for the person accessing treatment.

When I worked in mental health many of the staff were prejudiced against people with PDs, it was difficult for people to access treatment to begin with and once they did access it, it was so cut back due to resources it was embarrassing explaining it to people. If made me wonder what’s the point in giving such a stigmatising diagnosis when the resources for helping people are so lacking. I met a lot of people who deserved better from the service

So yes I agree most people who get a pd diagnosis have a challenge ahead of them but it’s not entirely because of the actual pd, it’s the difficulty getting someone to help.

Sorry for derailing you op

The person accessing treatment need to be onboard and some insight into their own personality. Some do have excellent results but they are many who don't. I agree these can start in early childhood and doesn't necessarily have to be in an abusive situation. The parent may have had other issues such as pnd, another sibling with high needs etc etc

Similar op. Adult ds announced he had bpd. Sadly we filled it in the bs file with his testicular cancer announcement... Been 2 years now. The physical assault of his small sibling was the final straw. Sadly haven't seen his dc since then either.. But I always knew he would use his dc as a further weapon against me.
Learning to compartmentalise saved my mh op..
Sorry you are also in this boat.

We only have one side of the story here.

It is clear regardless that you should have as little contact as possible with your son while he is abusive/threatening and refusing treatment.

But, if someone has this condition and is not receiving any psychological and medical support/treatment of course their behaviour is going to be erratic and unpleasant. It does not excuse the behaviour, but it goes towards explaining it.

Also if you read about most people with BPD will have experienced some kind of trauma or neglect as children. Something to think about as it might have happened to him without your knowledge.

Also you keep referring to your son as being cruel. But someone who is not completely in control of their behaviour because of a condition might not be purposely cruel and spiteful.

Unless your son receives treatment then this is not going to get any better but I think there are also a few bits and pieces in your posts that are making people wonder whether you are also not accepting that your son might have had some real difficulties and is struggling with something that he simply cannot just easily switch off to become like his brother for example, the perfect son.