My adult son despises me

[Angelswithflirtyfaces]

I blocked my adult son on messenger today after yet another day of vile messages, threats and false accusations.
I feel so low but its been going on for years and I am so weary of trying to keep the peace with him.
I have tried tough love, then empathy, no contact, low contact, wait and see aporoach, every strategy to have a decent relationship.
But today I snapped. After being accused of stuff that isnt true, I feel done. The abuse and manipulation from him over the years has been immense. Financial, physical and emotional.
Has anyone been in this situation and recovered?
I just feel like a failure. I am doing agency supply work at minute and got very upset at work. There are permanent jobs coming up, and I do not want to be seen as the person who is crying at work. But today I just broke down.
I have a younger son who I have a fab relationship with and is even buying a house a few doors down from me, so I know it cant all be me?
I just want to know how to cope with the sadness. He has a 14 month old ( no longer with mother) and has been resentful that I still see him. My heart is broken by his cruelty and spite.

Trauma is certainly a risk factor for BPD but its not true that all people with BPD have experienced trauma.

The abuse I suffered as a child was horrific. My Mum’s trying to rewrite the past, trying to minimise things, and if you talk to her you will probably get a similar reply to your posts. I think it’s important to understand, BPD or not, what you might have considered minor events or lies probably felt (and probably were) a lot bigger from the perspective of a child. It’s also possible that some childhood memories are false but absolutely based on something else factual that the child can’t handle- for example I substituted my gran for my mum in a lot of abuse memories because my gran was safer. In reality it wasn’t my gran who abused me it was my mum. So it’s possible someone else pushed him off the pushchair etc.

@Ozanj I am sorry you had a difficult childhood, the pain of it does affect you throughout your life
My own mother definitely minimised the past and made excuses as to why she overlooked the abuse that has so badly affected my Sister.
You and your mum have your sides of the story too and if she has minimised your abuse that is awful.
I have sat with my son years ago on several occasions where he wanted to go through his childhood.
All but one of these experiences I could not remember. Because they never happened. He then screamed at me that I was dismissing his experiences and how could he forgive me if I did not own up?
But they were not true.
Would you admit to stuff that had genuinely not occured?
I was a teacher, part of my professionalism required me to understand safeguarding and reflection. So keeping calm I asked for details. Everytime these stories changed drastically, but upping tge ante then changed tack, saying a decent human being would admit their wrong doings. I remembered the one time, he was grounded for shoplifting. At the time he lost his temper so I made him stay in his bedroom until he explained why he did this. This was very wrong of me to challenge him in this way according to him. That supermarkets make lots of money are greedy and is it so important,?
My explanation of maybe I was too harsh, I am sorry if it made you feel too strongly punished and maybe I could have dealt with it better did not go well. He literally made me out to be Josef Fritzel.

[quote Angelswithflirtyfaces]@Ozanj I am sorry you had a difficult childhood, the pain of it does affect you throughout your life
My own mother definitely minimised the past and made excuses as to why she overlooked the abuse that has so badly affected my Sister.
You and your mum have your sides of the story too and if she has minimised your abuse that is awful.
I have sat with my son years ago on several occasions where he wanted to go through his childhood.
All but one of these experiences I could not remember. Because they never happened. He then screamed at me that I was dismissing his experiences and how could he forgive me if I did not own up?
But they were not true.
Would you admit to stuff that had genuinely not occured?
I was a teacher, part of my professionalism required me to understand safeguarding and reflection. So keeping calm I asked for details. Everytime these stories changed drastically, but upping tge ante then changed tack, saying a decent human being would admit their wrong doings. I remembered the one time, he was grounded for shoplifting. At the time he lost his temper so I made him stay in his bedroom until he explained why he did this. This was very wrong of me to challenge him in this way according to him. That supermarkets make lots of money are greedy and is it so important,?
My explanation of maybe I was too harsh, I am sorry if it made you feel too strongly punished and maybe I could have dealt with it better did not go well. He literally made me out to be Josef Fritzel.[/quote]
Tbh you’re still sounding very vague. Maybe you just don’t want to give details on a forum - understandable. But if you’re that Teflon-y when you’re talking to your son I would understand some of his frustration. Probably he should resist the urge for closure and just step away and get on with his life without contacting or harassing you.

I have given plenty of details as above. Teflony as in it wont stick on me?
As I have said I am not an abuser and not defending myself against outright lies, but it is getting very judgey for no real reason. I wanted advice from people in a similar situation, not to be judged for things that disnt happen?

Oh OP I really sympathise . We have similar with our daughter and I know how heartbreaking it is
She too has rewritten history and accused us of all sorts . Mainly to do with us not giving her material things. Her claims are just so preposterous and are outright lies that can be so easily disproved .

I think she believes them though
I think that in “rewriting history “ she went over her stories so often that they became real to her and the details became gradually more exaggerated.

Maybe this is what is happening here . Of course no parent is perfect nor is any adult child but it certainly is possible to be accused of things that are totally false .

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this - I think distancing yourself from him , as unnatural as that feels, is the best option at the moment. 💐

I also agree the weed probably has a lot to do with it

OP,

It sounds very hard but between BPD and smoking weed, he sounds like a very angry unwell man.

He is an adult and you cannot fix him.

He clearly likes emotionally abusing you.

Step away from him and live your life.

You cannot fix this or him.

I think weed does awful mental health damage to young people.

My friend is 25 years in a university and has seen through her pastoral care the catastrophic damage done to great students.
Mostly young men, but some women.
Completely derailing promising students permanently.

Thank you again for replies @LorthernNights how do you deal with lies about you? Do you confront, challenge or ignore?
When my Son told my mum I had pushed him out of a pushchair and broken his teeth, she was horrified and put him straight, saying she had contact with him every other day, and that she would definitely have remembered broken teeth on a toddler and having gaps until big teeth come through at seven years.
He got very irate that she refused to accept this story.
He also told my Mum I refused to fund his university studies and he got kicked out because of this.
When in truth he had been in a flat ( funded by my parents) since aged 18 due to his drug use. As a mature student he had evidence of living independently (albiet on Income support) for seven years, as I was part time with a dependant I would not have had to fund this anyway, but he told terrible lies that I should have paid for his course and living expenses.
In truth his drug problem was so bad he only attended 2 lectures, handed in zero assignments, so got asked to leave.
Literally everything in his life I and now my parents get the blame for.
I feel so sad today as I remember the bright sweet lad that learned about dinosaurs with me and danced on holidays.
When he split with ex he forced me by screaming and threatening suicide that if I did not call her, right then and now and tell her she had to go back or he would never see their child. I did this as I was terrified he would kill himself.
The latest is if she lets me see the GC he will get a lawyer and an injuction.
I called her and said its best we do not meet up at the moment as it making me and my mum ill.
He then called my mum and blamed me as his ex got angry at being dictated to.
I think above posters are right he us very very ill. When I called crisis team before they did not even call him back. I really despair how to deal with the constant drama.
I think its best to not discuss with my mum either anymore.
He told her to pick between us ir he will kill himself.

OP,

When it comes to lies that could be damaging to you, and threats I think you should involve the police and log all this behaviour.

Everytime he threatens to kill himself, request a welfare check so you have a log of doing so if things escalate.

It is very sad that he is ill but he is very abusive and you do not have to tolerate this.

Everyone blames the mother don't they? Where's dad in all of this. You have my utter sympathy op.

We have tried helping , confronting , challenging and ignoring the lies

Nothing worked .

In fact the more we engaged with her and tried to point out /prove what she said was untrue the more she lied and the lies got more and more outrageous..

It’s damaged our relationship permanently.

Sadly you can’t reason with unreasonable people
Normal rules do not apply here .

Like you I think back to all the lovely times we had as she was growing up . It’s very painful and I really feel for you.

@LorthernNights thank you for explaining your attempts, its such a shame. I am so sorry you have gone through this.
I have felt very peaceful the last few days so I think for now I have done the right thing in not engaging anymore.
For now I am enjoying the calm, but I couldnt help look at people with both/ all of their grown up kids to be happy functioning adults. I guess I am very grateful my other son would never make me suffer this way. But I have lost such a lot in dealing with my challenging son. It has truly exhausted me. I am very lucky I have a lot of support too but I hope the pain fades away in time X

Thank you Angels, it is really horrible but I agree the calmness that comes over you once you “drop the rope” is such a relief .
That dreadful stomach churning feeling you have waiting for the next abusive message is awful.

One other thing I did was seek counselling for myself. I was so utterly torn apart by it all and it was detrimentally affecting my other relationships .

Is that something you have tried? I think you need to find someone who understands this kind of situation and not all therapists do . Worth a try maybe ?

Like you I have a fab relationship with my other adult child and for that I will be forever grateful.

Look after yourself as this sort of upset can make you really ill .
💐

I can recommend this book, she has a great Facebook group too.

I could have written what you have written, there are many similarities. My son is 32 and we are going through more or less the same things. I think a mixture of genetics (paternal mental health problems) and me not being switched on enough to pick up on the problems when they started at the age of 8 or 9 or so, just putting it down to him being a handful. I just didn’t realise what was going on. Teachers told me he was just naughty, challenging them all the time, conversely, he could be great fun, loving, he had lots of friends, a lovely kid. I divorced from his Dad when he was about 4 so I’m sure this plays a big part, sadly it was acrimonious. I wish I’d have done many things differently.
I have a daughter who I have a great relationship with, she’s sought therapy as it was hard for her growing up around the constant raging/unpredictable behaviour/violence etc.
When he’s feeling ok, he’s fun, loving and great to be around.
I had hoped things would get better as he got older but they are worse than I could ever have imagined. I think smoking weed on and off from age 15 has contributed to it. He is under the care of a mental health team (and he is very private about this) but the root of all his problems, in his head, is me, our relationship is mutually painful at best and I go for periods when I have no contact (he doesn’t live with me) to ‘regroup’ myself as the constant criticism, demoralisation takes its toll on my mental health. He’s lost his job and has become isolated from his friends due to his illness, I want to help him and I want him to improve and start to enjoy life, it must be so hard to live with that level of anger, physiologically as well as psychologically.
Like you, I am at a loss. I feel completely broken by it all and just don’t know what to do next.

@BeefyBellington I am so sorry to hear you are struggling too. In the couple of months since this has been posted, nothing has changed sadly. In fact after 4 weeks if escalation on his part ( despite my continual calm and saying only kind and supportive things to him) he really turned on me. One incident was so awful even after witnesses who were there at the time absolutely told him its pure lies and unfair. But he stuck to his guns even though the witnesses told him so and also stuck up for me. Its been terribly devisive. I do not want people 'on my side' although grateful to correct him of the actual facts, it turned into a war I did not want. So sadly after missing work because it made me physically ill, I blocked him so he cannot abuse me further. My mum also finally told him enough too.
So now he is u turning and trying to apologise to my mum, but she is making it clear she will not tolerate it any more.
It is very sad and like you despair at what can be done. I dont think you can do anything. I only concentrate on people who respect me. If he comes to me in future having got help, that would be a different matter but the weed really has given him physchosis and there is no way I can support him in that mode.

Are you my ex-mil?

She could have written any of your posts on this thread. Down to the comfortable upbringing with 1 kid that she’s close to and 1 kid who started smoking weed young and has degenerated into a total dick.

They have maintained a relationship with my daughter since we split and my ex tried to manipulate her to stop seeing us like he did with his older kid who they haven’t in twenty years

my daughters ten now.

Hasn’t seen the deadbeat in 8yrs but sees her grandparents every month

Keep doing what you need to do to maintain the grand parent relationship with or without him. My ex ils have brought so much love into my daughters life and I deeply appreciate that they make the effort despite their sons threats and tempers

@SomePosters I think its wonderful that you have been understanding to your ex ils. Its not the childrens fault and they probably cherish your daughter and are glad that they show her love despite your ex. I canno understand how they can weaponise an innocent child?
My son also threatened my mum that he would walk away from her if she still saw her great grandson. She said "fine then, if you really loved us, you would not make us choose, so please walk away with blessing" 2 days later he was ringing her up again. Empty threats and dramas, selfish manipulating and just plain nasty. The last time I spoke to my son, he said why see Grandson because I will tell him every day what an evil bitch you are. Such is his hatred. But when my ex DIL, my mum, sister, me and DH told him fine stay away from all of us, he had to rethink it. Now he has abandoned his own son and looking for a new partner. I am so ashamed of him.

With the best will in the world, you need to detach from him. Running around beating yourself over the head with your own shame benefits no-one. It's likely that there's a complex mesh of genetic and drug interactions at play here and no, you weren't a perfect parent because nobody is. The point is he is as he is and you cannot change him.

So focus on your own wellbeing. Let him go, live your own life, keep your grandchild in your life. Your son has to walk his own path. Some counselling might help you work through the situation.

What's his dad's role in all this? Does he see him? What happened with him? Could that have been the catalyst?

I am quite surprised how many think that the OP could be at fault. My brother regaled everyone in the pub about how we were so poor growing up that we re used tea bags and put cardboard in our shoes. Total and utter bollocks.

Your son has a mental health coniditon, this with the drugs will be playing a huge part in his current behaviour. You are right to implement boundaries as currently, it appears he has little respect for you.

I work in the mental health sector and honestly, I found people with BPD the most challenging clients…they are very needy and can be manipulative. Go easy on yourself, this is not your fault.

Crikey, I thought it was just me having a son like this and I had done something terribly wrong during his childhood. Like PP I have another son who I get along with completely fine. There is only 2 years difference, so however I bought up DS1, then DS2 was the same.

DS1 also has a diagnosis of Borderline, and no, he was not abused or suffered trauma in any shape or form. That is the only thing we agree on. The rest of the time it is utter war, with his father me and DS2.
He didn't touch weed, he went straight for the iv heroin, I joined here in 2012 wailing about it!! and here we still are.

The level of anger and hatred is astounding. Some of the things he says to me would make you weep, I think the worst just recently is him prompting me to die so he can get on with his own life. I had a heart attack (there's a surprise) in 2019, and he said when it happens again, kindly do the right thing and not call an ambulance.
Every other day, he says he wants to end his own life, and sometimes, in the depth of the darkness, I think...

Because there is nothing left I can do, I am at the end of my tether from this onslaught of hatred.

OP reading at two is very, very unusual and immediately makes me think possible autism. Autism is commonly misdiagnosed as BPD in people (women particularly). There's a lot of overlap between the two and they can be comorbid. It's just the mention of all these issues and reading at 2 - I'd say ASD as hyperlexia is often part of it. Was whoever diagnosed him aware he was reading at 2?

I hate weed with such an intense passion. I hate how I still come across people who think it’s a “cool” “mild” drug. I have a close family member who started smoking very young and he has severe psychosis as an adult and it’s ruined his life (the drugs not the illness). We love and support him but it’s sometimes hard having a conversation with someone who is trying to tell you an invisible Russian spy just broke into the kitchen you are all sitting in and poisoned everyone’s food so we can’t eat it. We love him but it breaks my heart and I honestly 100% don’t think it would have happened to him if he hadn’t smoked.