My adult son despises me

[Angelswithflirtyfaces]

I blocked my adult son on messenger today after yet another day of vile messages, threats and false accusations.
I feel so low but its been going on for years and I am so weary of trying to keep the peace with him.
I have tried tough love, then empathy, no contact, low contact, wait and see aporoach, every strategy to have a decent relationship.
But today I snapped. After being accused of stuff that isnt true, I feel done. The abuse and manipulation from him over the years has been immense. Financial, physical and emotional.
Has anyone been in this situation and recovered?
I just feel like a failure. I am doing agency supply work at minute and got very upset at work. There are permanent jobs coming up, and I do not want to be seen as the person who is crying at work. But today I just broke down.
I have a younger son who I have a fab relationship with and is even buying a house a few doors down from me, so I know it cant all be me?
I just want to know how to cope with the sadness. He has a 14 month old ( no longer with mother) and has been resentful that I still see him. My heart is broken by his cruelty and spite.

I'm sorry OP - BIL is the same. MIL eventually had to get a restraining order against him.

As other PPs have said, childhood trauma is a significant factor in BPD a lot of the time. However, in the case of BIL, there was nothing his mum could do to atone for the things she admittedly did wrong: no apology, no trying to make up for it, no stable support and love, no financial or emotional help. He made her life hell. His only mission was to punish her, repeatedly - she tried not contacting him, thinking he would prefer it as he was so angry about his childhood, but he didn't want no contact, he wanted her to suffer. If she admitted her faults (and she did, honestly and repeatedly) he would invent new wrongs that were completely made up. He was determined to ruin her life, and he did. She died terrified of his next move (which was often violent or very dangerous) and heartbroken, so he got his wish. He's just moved onto other family members now.

What I mean, OP (and apologies as that's very depressing) is - if anything in your son's childhood might explain his mental illness, you should apologise sincerely and offer support where it's appropriate, if you can, but it may not necessarily fix things. In which case, you'd be better trying to protect yourself wherever possible and making peace with not having him in your life, because unless he gets real treatment, it's unlikely to get better.

Op
Regardless of what's happened in the past. Having contact with your son will do nothing for you or your son.
I agree you should tell him you wish him well in everything he does but it's best if ye cut contact and then block him.

Thank you once again for your insightful and helpful comments.
I have a fantastic relationship with my youngest Son and his partner, also a wonderful relationship with my challenging son's ex partner and child.
Of course over the years ( He is 32) I have reflected a great deal on all aspects of his complex nature and how to heal the relationship. But to no avail. To the poster who commented on the phrase not a great parent - what would be preferable?
Many years of trying has been fruitless. I am at the point where I can not do right for wrong. Everything I do or say is dissected or twisted into a lie. Instead I went a bit passive and neutral only to be screamed at, I do not try hard enough. Every exchange is a test, every conversation an attack on my character. I am pro vaccine, so am lectured and told I am stupid, have no critical thinking or true perspective. I am mocked for everthing from my accent, quiet lifestyle, belief systems.
He had a normal upbringing, we were not well off but had a modest holiday each year. I actively encouraged hobbies/ football/ music etc if his choosing. At 14 he made new friends and was smoking weed. Thats when it changed really. He never has geld down a job. My mum then supported him in a flat. This caused a lot of rows, but then he started truangulating between us. My mum had enough now too. Sorry for those going through this too.

Interesting that the victim blaming begins as soon as the OP mentions BPD. The attitude towards certain PDs is very different from the attitude towards narcissistic PD, which is diagnosed on here at the drop of a hat, and totally condemned.

Whether your son has BPD or not, OP, and whatever his upbringing was like, he sounds like an unpleasant, dangerous, aggressive arsehole, and you don't have to tolerate his behaviour. Block him on social media, and don't let him back in your house.

@PonyPatter44

Interesting that the victim blaming begins as soon as the OP mentions BPD. The attitude towards certain PDs is very different from the attitude towards narcissistic PD, which is diagnosed on here at the drop of a hat, and totally condemned.

Whether your son has BPD or not, OP, and whatever his upbringing was like, he sounds like an unpleasant, dangerous, aggressive arsehole, and you don't have to tolerate his behaviour. Block him on social media, and don't let him back in your house.

Well it was the sixth post so...

Wanted to add that of course all of this is hugely upsetting to lose a child in this way. I am deeply sad that he chooses to be hateful. The job comnent was to demonstrate the effect it is now having on my functioning. I have not worked for over a year due to long covid and desperately need financially to stay in work. I am middle aged and past caring about social media, but again damaging unfair stuff about me could cost me my finances?
I guess I am done defending myself really. He could read by aged 2 was a bright and much loved child. I have always told him I am proud of him. When he had his child I stayed for 3 weeks as his partner lost her DF in the second wave. He threw me out in the rain one night in December because I did not agree that Donald Trumps election was rigged. I was chucked out like chip paper. I once again apologised that I angered him.
His partner finished with him when baby was 6 months due to controlling behaviour and drug taking.
I have asked my other son if they were treated differently he honestly thinks I did a great job, that he is selfish and entitled. His fear is to end up like his brother.

There's a very good phrase that applies here: "Detach with love". It's ok to do that if you have reached the point where you cannot go on with him. I'm sure that if he sincerely engages with treatment, you would be there for him. It's ok to back off unless/until he reaches that point.

I am sorry for your loss though, the loss of the boy you loved as he was and the unpleasant man he is now. It must be heartbreaking.

Fwiw trauma causes BPD but sometimes it's not the parental responsibility. Unfortunately, and I've seen this, circumstances outside the parent's awareness can cause great damage. Many people blame the parents but it's sometimes it just doesn't have anything to do with them.

Gosh, that sounds truly difficult to deal with. I think you have done all you can really. What more can you do if he constantly changes the goal posts to suit himself?

I think I would give up now and think about yourself. Who knows he might wake up and smell the coffee one day. I doubt it though if he is on drugs. It’s obviously taken it’s toll.

Good luck 🌺

Yes thank you I can only love him from afar. I wish I could take his pain and suffering from him. But he prefers victim mode. He blamed every teacher why he failed school. Then college ' he knew more than the tutor' then uni lasted a term after not going to lectures as a mature learner. He has squandered every opportunity then blamed us. He has financially abused my parents for years with threats of suicide. I have to detach now with kindness. I am at a loss how to make him take responsibility. Thank you all for taking time to reply.

I have bpd and my trauma occurred a few months after I met my first husband. The horrific abuse began. I have discussed this with a therapist, my cpn, three psychiatrists and they all said that it's not just childhood trauma that can cause bpd but that in early adulthood too.

@fantasmasgoria1 so sorry about your trauma, I hope you have ongoing support to manage your condition. Thank you for adding this perspective too. A lot of blame gets attached to parents when a child gets diagnosed with a mental health condition.
I hope more research is done to find better treatments in the future.

One of my sons despises me also . None of it makes sense, only to him. He has his right to feel this way and nothing I can or have tried to do makes it different. Please try to accept or this will destroy you. Perhaps this is what he wants?

It's not your fault that your son is so obnoxious! Some people just are unpleasant (obviously not on MN, where there is a MH reason for everything under the sun, but real life is very different). I have a friend whose son has cast aside most of his family because his wife had an argument with his father, no-one else was involved.
Hard though it is I think you just have to step back from him, and hope that he will change his views given time, but you are only going to give yourself more heartache if you try to keep contacting him. Concentrate on your other son for now.

I'm not saying this is the case here op. But I am no contact with my mum. She made my childhood hell and now tells people I am horrible and I made her life difficult and thats why we aren't talking. I was emotionally abused. Had 2 step dad's and was a child carer for my 2 half siblings. I left home at 18 and she wasn't happy I chose my husband and kids over her yearly visit....

Just saying for those posters saying it's not her fault. You don't know the full story.

As I said I'm sure it's jot the case here op. But for anyone else in a similar situation

Just read your update op. Sorry my comment wasn't too helpful. I hope he gets any help he needs. Can a referral be made for mental health?

IME there's no smoke without fire.

Bollocks. Where there are mental health issues and drug taking, there doesn't to be anything else behind the behaviour.

Obviously no one can know the full story from a few posts on mumsnet but I don’t think it’s fair to say because OP mentioned being upset at work and didn’t go into details about how she adored son in the past about son it suggests she is self centred or anything like that. A self centred person surely wouldn’t be overwhelmed at work with issues about son.

Sorry OP no advice. It sounds tough. It’s good you maintain a relationship with your grandchild and other son.

I bet it’s the weed. A very similar thing happened to my brother. He completely changed as soon as he started using it. He became paranoid, had psychotic episodes, announced he was schizophrenic, attacked my dad etc. He spent many years blaming my parents for his issues but he was fine growing up, he changed when he started using. He’s not so bad now, he’s been clean for a few years (he’s in his 50s) but I’d definitely say he has some kind of personality disorder.

It’s not your fault OP. I would go NC to be honest. Easier said than done I know.

Tell your other son he has nothing to fear. I am completely different from my brother.

@Lalliella

I bet it’s the weed. A very similar thing happened to my brother. He completely changed as soon as he started using it. He became paranoid, had psychotic episodes, announced he was schizophrenic, attacked my dad etc. He spent many years blaming my parents for his issues but he was fine growing up, he changed when he started using. He’s not so bad now, he’s been clean for a few years (he’s in his 50s) but I’d definitely say he has some kind of personality disorder.

It’s not your fault OP. I would go NC to be honest. Easier said than done I know.

Tell your other son he has nothing to fear. I am completely different from my brother.

Agree 100%. Combine it with booze and it's double trouble. Family member going through the same with her adult son. He is being advised by all the expert people down at their local pub...

He does not hold onto work, has no long-term partners, and even rarely a short-term one, no longer speaks to his brother, feels his Mother owes him a regular payment from the sale of the family home. Resents paying rent, yet was supposed to take off and start his own life but hasn't yet ''gone'' from his room at Mum's rental.

I don't know what is needed for him to change. But his poor Mum has certainly aged in recent times.

OP you need to look out for yourself now.

My brother is like this & mum had to do the same. I'm one of four & three of us arent this way

We did notice my brothers behaviour like this escalated when he started smoking weed. It seemed to trigger all kinds of mental health issues.

We just lost my sister on Thursday & he still won't back down his behaviour

Oh no such sad stories and outcomes, I am so sorry @Nidan2Sandan about the loss of your sister
Regarding childhoods - Who can really say their childhood was perfect? I myself and my sibling had a hellish childhood from my alcoholic abusive ( both physical and emotionally abusive) with a mother that turned a blind eye but was over critical ( we had to be the skinniest, best grades at school etc) after a savage beating my sister left home at 17 to live in a squat to escape the violence.
She has never had a long term relationship or had children as it really affected her.
When I had children I swore I would never treat them this way.
Now I know on MN I will also be labelled as a sufferer myself, but I broke this cycle. My mum realised this too and if anything, my eldest was put on a pedastal. I wonder if we went too far and almost made him narcissistic?
I had a poor relationship with my parents for years but we have all worked through this over many years.
At what point do you blame others?
Despite my own childhood, I got a degree, learned to drive, have never had problems with drink or drugs always had a fairly decent job apart from recent health issues.
I have led a pretty ok life despite everything.
In the early 90's it was hard with interest rates at 14 percent. We just about kept our home. But my son even threw that at me as to why he wore second hand clothes at that time.
But you are all right, nothing will change until he is ready.
He is now punishing his ex saying if she sees us and my oarents with the GC he will get a lawyer. I am switching off my phone today.

He is on the list for DBT but Covid has slowed this up.

Op there are also genetic factors at play so if you do some further research you will find there are many factors to consider. Its not always childhood trauma.

The weed wouldn’t have helped, for sure.
Though you have so many people saying weed is harmless and should be sold legally. I don’t think it’s harmless at all.

Agreed that weed can affect a minority of users really badly ..

OP, in the end whatever hardships or easiness people had growing up, or whatever happens to us as an adult - when you let the victim-mentality flourish within, there comes a point.

You decide to feel sorry for yourself and it's everyone else's fault, or you start to take the hard path of taking responsibility for yourself, no matter how hard a time you had. I don't say this lightly. Only the person themselves can do that. No one else. Sometimes with people who've had terrible lives, all you can say objectively is "it's not fair". But fair or not, the person has to decide whether to take it and to try to cope and take responsibility/self-power for themselves - or go down the self-pity/blame-everyone/resentment route.

It's in your son's hands now. But I'm so sorry for your mother's pain.