My adult son despises me

[Angelswithflirtyfaces]

I blocked my adult son on messenger today after yet another day of vile messages, threats and false accusations.
I feel so low but its been going on for years and I am so weary of trying to keep the peace with him.
I have tried tough love, then empathy, no contact, low contact, wait and see aporoach, every strategy to have a decent relationship.
But today I snapped. After being accused of stuff that isnt true, I feel done. The abuse and manipulation from him over the years has been immense. Financial, physical and emotional.
Has anyone been in this situation and recovered?
I just feel like a failure. I am doing agency supply work at minute and got very upset at work. There are permanent jobs coming up, and I do not want to be seen as the person who is crying at work. But today I just broke down.
I have a younger son who I have a fab relationship with and is even buying a house a few doors down from me, so I know it cant all be me?
I just want to know how to cope with the sadness. He has a 14 month old ( no longer with mother) and has been resentful that I still see him. My heart is broken by his cruelty and spite.

I'm really surprised he's managed to stay out of prison, OP. Has he ever been involved with crime? He seems so angry that it's a wonder he's not hit someone.

Your son sounds very much like my brother OP. He has put my mum through exactly the same. She has cried herself to sleep numerous times because of it. He gets very jealous at any attention she gives my children and is a very angry and unhappy person. I hardly ever speak to him these days. I’ve honestly never done anything horrible to him and neither has my mum. It’s caused no end of upset. I think he’s got deeper issues he’s dealing with and we are his excuse. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone

This sounds frighteningly familiar to one of my siblings behaviour. Fictitious allegations, alcohol problems, mental health problems, potential drug taking. I thought it was just me being targeted but it later transpired that others were being targeted as well

@Momijin he refuses to have anything with his dad. We divorced when he was 14 and after his dad had a very hard line aporoach to drugs and smoking. They had a falling out which sadly has never repaired despite several effort from my exh. Of course the divorce would have impacted on him, but lots of families have divorced and single parents and do not turn out drug addicts. If that were the case 40 percent or higher of people would be addicts etc. I have spoken to him about that many years ago and he never expressed any real feelings about that. By that age he was desperate for independence and always wanted to be out with his friends or have them stay over.
I was a teacher specialing in teaching ASD and ADHD and he has never displayed any traits typical of neurodivergance. He walked at 9 months and was always very forward/ inquisitive, just very bright. Teaching him to read was a way to stimulate him so that may fit but otherwise no.

@trimtops I am so sad to hear this. It is very hard I hope you find some peace with your situation too. Its hard on all the family.
He has never been in trouble legally, he would be too lazy or unorganised to commit a crime as such. The anger only comes out to me, my mum and his ex ( who has now threatened him with police if he continues to stalk her.

@Angelswithflirtyfaces, the drug use is not every day, or every week now, it's tramadol or Xanax now, purchased off the dark web, but god it was, still is vile. We don't live in the same house, it was me that had to leave for my own sanity, but visits every day to get his anger at the whole world out. The shit he comes out with is unbelievable.
He curses and jeers at the present news, but then will shed tears at Supervet or Paul O'Grady animal programmes.
Laughable if it wasn't so sad.

As PP have said, a very bright early learner.

A few months ago, DS2 was having a party, (they live next door to each other) it got a bit noisy and DS1 went out and smashed DS2's car, with a lump hammer, as DS2 was not adhering to the RULES.
There are RULES for everything.
You may say 'call the police.'
The biggest joke of all... DS2 is the police

No you are completely right to cut him off.

This does resonate with me as my partners sister was disgustingly vile to their mother, like yourself financially and mentally abused, my partner worshiped the ground she walked on. She was the most lovely person, his sister was just deluded.
Anyway, my MIL was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and passed away a year after the diagnosis. I know the reason she had this illness was due to the stress his sister caused her. I won't go in to what she did but she was draining, there was no escape as like you she wanted access to her grandchild and she used the grandchild as a bartering tool.

Get yourself out of the toxic relationship please. Just because he is your son does not mean he can treat you like this.

I think I'd consider a restraining order. Keep him away from you, your mum and his ex partner. Maybe discuss that with them?

Otherwise, you blocking him will be ineffective as he has other channels he can use to get to you all. The three of you probably need to unite now and go down a legal path to keep him away.

If he was to receive help and gain some insight into his behaviour then you could reconsider in the future. But for now, if you really want to break this cycle and close the chapter, stop his access to all of you

Why are people blaming the OP?

Even those with the nicest parents can grow up into an abusive narcissistic adult.

If he is going to treat you like that then you will be better off without him. He hasn't a clue how to treat his mother. Spend time with those who do live and respect you and enjoy your life.

The similarities on here are heartbreaking, its tragic that it is more common.
I would get why some posters would look to blame me, and I really am ok with that, as I have asked myself many times what could possibly go wrong in a persons life that they are so hateful, raging and bitter. But then I think of three very close friendships I have where the friends have had actual abuse growing up ( two are in therapy, one is doing well) despite this they are on fair to good terms with parent (s) in question. The main thing I notice about these friends are its a more depressed/ lack of self esteem boundaries that has been the effects. None of them are pathological liars with psychotic tendencies? Of course we are all different but 2 are male and been this way consistently.
With my son its more a narcissist rage/ entitlement/ superiority.
If I am honest I do not like him. I love him of course, but no I do not like his values, beliefs or ethics. I think more needs to be done regarding awareness of weed in young men in particular.
I am definitely steering clear of him for the immediate future. I am seeing my DGC this weekend since November. Its made me sad, what if he ends up hating me? Its made me very distrustful of people in general. If your own son can turn on you, how easy it is for a stranger or anyone? Years of love and care for nothing?

OP, I also have questioned my every action, every word I said when he was growing up to try and find out why my son would turn on me so much, lie about his childhood (he alters the past to suit his own narrative) when as you say, other people who have experienced awful childhood traumas, have grown into relatively stable adults with none of the rage and hate towards their parents.
All I can come up with is that my words and actions were not interpreted by him as I intended, that he was an extremely sensitive individual, that there is something in his genetic makeup that I did not/do not understand that is at play here, however, this doesn't change the exhausting, relentlessly abusive circumstances that now define our relationships.
I might add that despite all the hatred directed at me he is still happy to take my money, rely on me for providing things he needs and transport etc, it's an entitlement to him.
His behaviour affects the whole family, my elderly parents get very upset about it, my DH (not his Dad) has tried his best to help for years, talking to him, trying to act as an arbitrator, helping him with all manner of things, but has effectively thrown the towel in as it's pointless. It always ends up with some kind of confrontation, a trauma, a disaster. I might also add that my son has also been very divisive, saying some awful things to my DH about me that could have caused real problems for us if he hadn't been able to see them for what they are. (Lies)
In a sense it's a comfort to know that I am not alone in this, although I am also truly sorry that other people are suffering in the same way.
My involvement with my son is currently minimal, any conversations between us deteriorate quickly into nasty accusations on his part, I try and remain calm and don't retaliate but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't because either way it never ends well.

Yes, it's incredible how they rewrite the past. I have just blocked my adult son on my phone as I'm sick of feeling his contempt and discomfort when I'm at his house. I know he just tolerates me because I'm his mother. I get one word response when I try chatting. He never maintains eye contact.. He sister stopped talking to me.
So the realisation hit me the other day, that this guy cannot stand me.
I go there to visit for Christmas, with all the Christmas food, I turn up cold and tired from lugging a big food shop and he barely says hello and just goes into his bedroom. No offer if tea or anything so instead of staying for a couple of days as planned, I tell him I'm going home. And he looks relieved.
So when I get home I block his number, something I have never done before but I refuse to put up with this any longer and something inside me snapped. I'm also going to change my number so him and his sister can never contact me again.
It's so sad to be despised by your own two children but I've accepted that is the reality now.