Found out DH talks to ex GF after 27 years being married to him

[EchosMum2007]

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit.
It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes
I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out)
This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story.
So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to!
The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time.
They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name.
God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!!
For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!)
To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool.
I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!!
Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

If the situation were reversed and the man had 'supported the family' the universal call in hear would be that he was being unreasonable as you are married and all money is 'family money' ... and as such surely he doesn't need to ask your permission to buy things/services . ? However to add a caveat .. did he do the traditional home maker role when you were working hard. ? Look after the kids ? Cook ?

Just because a woman earns the money and the husband does the support role - doesn't make him anymore beholden to you than if the roles were reversed . BUT .. if he simply sat around for 27 years 'fannying around being 'creative' and neither supported the household physically or financially - then you are not being unreasonable .. and should have a conversation with him about cutting his costs according to his income and stop freeloading.

What do you want? Everything seems focused about him. I have to say you sound amazing, Him not so much. You are still a whipper snapper at 48 lovely. You can choose where you want to be. You need to loose the ideal of supporting a genius and focus on you. They do tend to make bad life partners as they are not great givers.

I don't care what people say about 'if this were the other way round people here would say..' etc, none of this is what any woman looks for in a man.

It sounds like he's pretty crap but gets away with it with you because he's charismatic.

But the emotional affair or whatever is the icing on the cake.

Honestly you sound lovely, He is pension age now and in the next ten years will age incredibly, no matter how well he looks now. You are only 48 with a lot of life ahead of you.

I don't agree with the previous poster at all: He IS beholden to you - you worked and earned the money to keep the family, bore the children and gave him your youth and you are still paying for him because his "big break" never materialised. Honestly I would feel taken for granted. Fuck "family money". YOU are are making the money! What would he do without you? Latch on to another much younger woman?

As for calling you controlling, no you are not. He shouldn't be doing that.

He needs to earn some money or you are going to start resenting him and falling out of love with him. A 75 year old Peter Pan skint man child is going to be a very unpleasant prospect for you in a decade when menopause has come and gone and you start to feel a bit older - what will life be like for you then. I would start thinking about yourself for the first time since you were 20 years old and think where you want to be going. When is it ever going to be your time?

Sorry if I sound like a depressing bastard. I don't mean to.

Errrrr. There’s obviously a lot of resentment on your side re the money, but I guess it’s too late for him to get a job now. But the fact that you pay the bills is irrelevant to who he gets to call on the phone. You don’t seem to respect him very much? Your driven career choices do not mean he is a freeloader, you’ve both made your own choices.

The real point is that your husband is secretly in touch with his ex and trying to move to her home county, and that it’s upsetting you. Tell him you’re not comfortable with him renewing his friendship with his ex as it feels more romantic than platonic and feels like potentially an emotional affair and this is upsetting you. Ask him if he is willing to cut ties with her and if not why not.

Your H feels entitled to pursue illicit ego validation with his Ex, and is quick to manipulate you with the ‘controlling’ card so you will back off.

What are you going to do in response to his emotional infidelity and disloyalty?

I honestly don’t see why one person should fund another just because they are in a relationship. It’s rubbish. If anything he is controlling you, expecting all your work to be for his benefit. He doesn’t exactly sound a charmer.

If the sexes were reversed and your husband had worked in a high powered job and brought in all the money while supporting you follow your dream, would you think that gave him the right to dictate who you were allowed to speak to because they were paying the phonebills? I'm pretty sure most posters on here would say that's controlling.

You don't seem to have any respect for him, you're clearly in a poor relationship (soldiering on), and you have a lot of resentment. Now you don't trust him to speak to an ex of at 27 years. What exactly is there in this relationship that's keeping you hanging around?

You definitely need to talk to him about this. It might all be nothing but his imagination, wondering what might have been, which isn’t fair on you and needs to be nipped in the bud.

If he really wants to see if the grass is greener then he can’t expect you to facilitate that. And then you have to decide your way forward, together or apart.

I think his current behaviour is making you look back over your life together and question things that you were willing to accept before. Despite him not earning significantly, you were happy with the status quo and kudos he gave you. But I think you see the sacrifices you made as tarnished by his emotional dalliance with his exGF.

I'm not certain how relevant the ex is. You sound very resentful of all the sacrifices you have made, so maybe it time to cut your losses

I can understand your resentment. This wasn’t an agreement where OP would be the main bread winner and her DH was the SAHD; his artistic success has never materialised but he has been able to stay in the field he loves because OP has funded it. I agree that this latest move sounds like fragile ego validation on his part. OP you need to decide what you want and put your own needs first.

I don't think you being the main earner through your marriage unless you harbour resentment about the roles you've each played (and tbh it sounds as if you do).

He is perfectly entitled to talk to whoever he wishes and that includes an ex.

It feels like there's a lot to unpick in your post.

Some might say his reaction to your confronting him sounds guilty (and it may be) but I'm not sure we have enough to go on. Has he ever voiced concerns of feeling emasculated in your marriage?

NOT that I'm suggesting it would be your fault if he does of course! Just that I still encounter men who feel this way when they're not the main earners.

It occurs to me he could be wary of his approaching OAP status and you still being young and feeling insecure, seeking validation elsewhere. How has your marriage been otherwise, especially lately?
If you think he might be unhappy in it then you need to sit down and have some open discussions and listen to each other.

You can't deny him calling who he likes just because you're the breadwinner, however much it might grate. I wonder if there are issues surrounding the power balance in your marriage because it sounds like you could both harbour some resentment towards the other?

I think you both need to calm down and have a chat, take care to actively listen to each other and be prepared to hear the others point of view.

I can see this from both perspectives but really what I'm wondering is why you've allowed this to drag on for such a long time? What do you want to happen?

@EchosMum2007

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit. It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out) This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story. So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to! The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time. They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name. God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!! For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!) To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool. I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!! Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

First holy spirit, then it certainly raises some red flags, especially him wanting to choose the place where the ex is, then the numbers. All the best op

You may have been starting to feel ready to re-evaluate your life, hence you were thinking about moving to France, and this period of re-evaluation has coincided with the discovery of the phone call. You were already looking at life through a new tint of glasses I think, when this happened. It is because of how you were starting to think anyway, that you don’t trust him about this.

In a way, given you have always allowed him freedom and supported his life as a free, creative spirit, perhaps you could just go on allowing him unquestioning freedom to be in touch with whomsoever he wishes - part of the flow of his life.

I think it doesn’t sound your nature to make a point about it being your money he is using for the calls. Don’t let his behaviour drag you down to being someone you don’t want to be.

You sound to me a woman who should be extremely proud of all you have done in your own right; proud of your generous nature; proud of the life you have built up. You don’t need to ‘own’ him or anyone, or hold anything over him.

If you love him and enjoy living with him, do this with a sense of your own individuality and freedom.

On those terms, what would you like for yourself? Do you have strong reasons for going to France? Might you like to try living in Spain to see what you think?

I suspect he would not want to lose you - no, not one little bit - and most likely sees this woman as a just special friend.

Would you like to go on with him? Is it fun, do you like what his way of life brings you?

Or might you have been quietly having enough before this ever happened?

Honestly, start asking him the hard questions. Does he see himself as YOUR partner? Would he give up his creative work and take a job he didn’t love of he had to suddenly support you due to illness or disability? Ask him why he isn’t contacting this woman while in your presence? He’s not being open about it at all. He’s obviously hiding his relationship with her and the contents of their conversations for a reason. If he wants to go, let him. Let her look after him.

He's 65. He's not going to take up any job! Why would he start now?

OP, do you love him? You could have a great future ahead of you but not if you stick with this pretentious wannabe.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful after so many years of soldiering on and him having the luxury of being a dreamer.

If you were to walk away now, after so many years unfortunately he could well stitch you up in terms of getting a shit hot lawyer to divide up any assets you've spent years slaving to amass so he gets a chunk of cash off you for having sat on his arse all those years doing not very much.

It's unfortunately a case of "the ship has sailed", you ought to have considered this unequal situation a lot sooner. The fact he's now twatting about contacting some ex via Facebook and wanting you to up-sticks and move to her country is heaping even more woes onto this situation.

I guess an escape route would be to go along with the idea that you sell your shared house in this country and then cut and run with your 50% and let him bugger off into the sunset with this ex, so at least you can carry on your life without the millstone round your neck.

It’s fair enough funding him being a SAHD BUT he’s taking the piss making European expensive phone calls to an Ex GF!!! Would it be ok if he was phoning chat lines? No. You’ve been used. He’s disrespectful. Time to cut him off? He’s having an emotional affair right? Then he wants you to move to her country??!! NO!! Don’t move at all. Stay put in your career while you figure out what to do. How about looking for a less high powered but more fulfilling job?

It honest sounds that he's taking you for a mug - pursuing his "artistic dream" whilst you fund it! Then to top it off he plots to move to the same country as an ex and is chatting to her at your expense!

Have you considered stepping back and reconsidering your options? Do you think talking to someone like a counsellor would help you? I think you need to decided whether you want to continue to carry his weight, or whether you would rather go it alone. You certainly have the means to, and time is on your side. My advice would be stop thinking about him and concentrate on what you want.

He's a freeloading self indulgent wanker. And probably a talentless prick.

Get legal advice. Ffs don't move countries to facilitate his bunk up.

I know of three marriages where the wife was the high earner and the husband an 'arty' low earner, no age differences.

The first ended after about 10 years as she could see he was getting nowhere and was also very lazy regarding childcare and his side of the house-husband agreement.

The second are still together as far as I know after about 20 years, and he had an affair with her secretary. He still doesn't earn anything from his art endeavours.

The third, 30 year marriage, 2 lovely kids, he hardly worked a day. She sold her successful business to a larger competitor for a lot of money then she died of cancer not long after. Within weeks he bought a sports car and was having pool parties, and never looked back.

Your husband is not going to change and you're only 48.

Focusing on pragmatic things, what do you want for this next part of your life? Where do you want to live? What work do you want to do? What else do you want in your life?

Do you even want to be in this relationship? It sounds as if it's long over, and the age gap will only become more challenging to bridge. Make your own plans to move on.

Forget about this potential other woman. He may well be lining up his next benefactor - but that's to your advantage. He'll be less likely to drain the assets you've worked so hard to provide.

So he's sponged off you for 27 years? Fuck. You're screwed. It's going to cost you £££ to divorce him and £££ to support him for the rest of his life.

Sorry.