Found out DH talks to ex GF after 27 years being married to him

[EchosMum2007]

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit.
It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes
I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out)
This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story.
So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to!
The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time.
They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name.
God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!!
For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!)
To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool.
I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!!
Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

Don’t read too much into others in the creative industry saying your partner is talented and going places. They all say this about each other. I’m not saying he isn’t but people saying it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is.

You clearly love him very much, even now you’re praising his talent when he’s just sone 65 year old bloke who never made it and he’s now flirting with his ex for sone excitement and a bit of a thrill. Did it never occur to you he isn’t that talented that he was never going to make it?

What’s done is done. He’s used you for years and now he’s looking for something else.

You're only 48, OP. Lots of life still to come. How do you see your future? Do you think he will enrich it or not?

Forget about the money issues….

Are you happy with him calling his ex multiple times without telling you he’s been back in touch with her? And moving to be nearer her?

And on a purely pedestrian note - we are no longer in the EU so unless you have some other nationality you can't just up sticks and go and live in Spain.

@Coyoacan

I'm not certain how relevant the ex is. You sound very resentful of all the sacrifices you have made, so maybe it time to cut your losses

I think it's a 'cherry on the cake' situation here

@MsDogLady totally summed this up.

I’m not the ‘cool’ wife (I was so ‘cool’ at one point, wish I hadn’t been). He doesn’t get to have secret chats with his ex. It’s not ‘controlling’ to think this is not ok. This is emotional affair territory.

@EchosMum2007 - you've had a lot of great advice. All I can add/empasise:

put your own needs and wants first

Really think about that.

But, whatever you do, don't agree to a move to Italy..... . Or France.

And perhaps get some legal advice re. (potential) division of assets...

(NB: why is he/you paying for expensive phone calls when WhatsApp is free?)

I would begin to try to look at things with an objective head and see how you feel.
It's very very easy to become almost institutionalised ( probably the wrong word) in a long relationship and forget to take into account that you are an individual not a 'we'.
Try it, and see what is right for you.

@Flickflak

Plenty of women pursue lower paying careers or not working at all, and society sees this as reasonable. I’m the higher earner in my family and we have shared phone bills and never, ever would I question DH’s expenditure! You sound very controlling and very resentful.

I don't think it's the expenditure she has a problem with, it's the constant calls with an old flame!

I wish posters would stop with all the "if the sexes were reversed" bullshit. The sexes aren't reversed and OP has clearly outlined that she has been in the 'support role' as well as the main earner role.

The expectations of and upbringing of men and women are very different, you can't assume that the DH has behaved exactly how a DW would in the same situation, far from it.

There are several points that spring to mind:

1. You weren't snooping. Anyone would notice phone calls to other countries when looking at a bill.
2. Your husband is making regular calls to an ex girlfriend, without mentioning it to you. And also wants to move to her country. Very very suspicious behaviour.
3. When you mention it he calls you controlling! Gas lighting and deflection. How would he feel if you'd done this to him?
4. Aside from all of that, are you really happy with him? It sounds like you work harder outside and inside the home. You have to look after him. He can't sort out his own phone contract. In his 60s he's never paid his way. He was happy to watch you being stressed and overworked while he pursued his hobby. (And I don't mean hobby in a derogatyory way, but if he's not made money from it then it is essentially his hobby - I bet you'd have loved the chance to pursue your hobby for the last few decades?)

Please don't let him avoid the real issues here. He's trying to distract you with the snooping / controlling thing. Which you weren't doing, and even if you were, he still should be answering why he's having regular conversations with his ex, while trying to move to her country.

Honestly, I think you could be happier without him.

I'd get rid of him because hes a leech, let alone the emotio al infidelity (and as ppl said interesting he wants to move to her country).

Maybe she and her well off (?) family can take over the baton on carrying this no doubt charming parasite. You sound like you've been sucked dry. You should never have put up with it.

Controlling is a word thrown up easily by some cheaters when they're caught and their ability to communicate with their intetests/affair partners is being interfered with.

It's not controlling the notice your partner of decades is regularly malkmg expensive international phone calls to an old flame without mentioning it to you.

What an asshole.

And has he never heard of WhatsApp.

perhaps get some legal advice re. (potential) division of assets...

You need to get a shit hot lawyer to advise you on how the minimise how much this piece if work takes off you ongoing.

Bear in mind that if things go his way, and old frame is foolish enough to take him kn; you won't have a choice in the matter, you'll be dealing with his solicitor and their demands/trying to get the most for their client.

(Though it sounds like he doesn't feel it's feasible to escalate the emotional affair without moving to her home country; all subsidised by you of course.

I’m sorry to say but the history is largely irrelevant. You’ve done what you’ve done (supported him) from a good place and it cannot be undone. You may however benefit from reading Givers / Takers by Adam Grant.

You describing how he looks is interesting. Is there a part of you who enjoys being with someone whom comes across as charismatic / good looking? As in you can’t quite believe someone who looks this good is with you? (Sorry if I’ve misread that but I just think you describing that is quite telling in itself).

Finally. What do you want?
Is this marriage making you happy? At 49 you are still very young. I appreciate you may not feel that way, but you are. Your children are adult so you have that freedom lifted now. What do you want?

Either way? Consult a lawyer. He’ll be entitled to half the assets. I’ve no idea whether a judge would also award spousal in this situation? I do know of some recent cases within my social circle where the non earning spouses have lifetime spousal awards in place. Due to their older age and the fact that the courts recognise they will unlikely ever be able to support themselves (even with adult children who have flown the nest).

In your shoes I’d get my ducks in a row, understand the ramifications to me / the children, and act from there. Is it possible (as an example) to give money to the adult children (house deposits) before making any bigger moves. It’s very common for people to put money into accounts for the children and those accounts not be privy to divvying of assets. It’s more common when the children are younger.

Sorry my post leans towards financials. But you’re nearly 50, and his behaviour / next steps could have huge ramifications for your financial security.

You describing how he looks is interesting. Is there a part of you who enjoys being with someone whom comes across as charismatic / good looking? As in you can’t quite believe someone who looks this good is with you? (Sorry if I’ve misread that but I just think you describing that is quite telling in itself).

I thought op mentioned his looks because she's explaining one of the reasons he's capable of schmoozing the glamourous European ex.

Anyway no wonder he look young for his age when you've been the bread winner for decades and he's lived such a relatively relaxed, low (no?) responsibility lifestyle.

There are elements here that are similar to my situation. Good earner who supported a creative DP who has never earned a penny from his art, older than me, same age as the man in question. Recently he started getting in touch with old GFs and also enjoying the advances of someone very young. I think it is mortality, the wondering about what might have been, the regrets and curiousity. I don't think it is a sacking offence. The way through it is talking, trying to understand your own relationship, talking through honestly any resentments. We are human. We fantasise. It is not a crime. When we worked hard while they created, we accepted that. Maybe it made us feel strong or important. It isn't fair to retrospectively decide it was all shit, if it wasn't. If it was though, and if this was a calculated long term exploitation, that is another matter.

Sounds like you do everything, work, provide and the mental load and help him with his work too.
Who did the lions share of housework and childcare? Was that also you?
If so, I’m not clear what he’s contributing here. And I wouldn’t care about the ex gf I’d just be so turned off by my husband that she’d be welcome to him. That said after 27 years it’s not so easy. Do you think he’s looking for money from her? Or is he looking for a way to feel masculine. He’s so emasculated, he’s older, can’t provide, children have left, confused about technology etc. Is he trying to be young and virile again

Leave aside the financial issue for now and focus on the emotional.

Ask him what he gets from this contact, and why he doesn’t chat to you about it. In a normal friendship he would pass on snippets of news or interest, surely? Anyone with a friend in another country has spent the last 2 years comparing C19 notes, for example.

Ask him how he really feels about a retirement future with you.

And what about you? Do you love him? Are you looking forward to a life with more time together in which you can think ‘this was worth soldiering for’’

Just talk to him…. But look into yourself too and ask how much you have felt supported by him, how much you resent him, etc. How far did you actually ask for things to be different and ultimately what you want.

Are you still working? You are talking about your career in the past tense.

65? he's not going to 'make it' he's deluded, tbf youve indulged his sheer laziness.
I'd leave if I was you, you're young and do you really want to be his carer?

Forget the financials? This is why women time and again find themselves royally screwed over.
A lot of men, in the OP’s situation have visited lawyers / know their exposures years ahead of triggering a divorce and move assets accordingly to attempt to minimise how the 50% chunk impacts them. Whilst women focus on the emotional. There’s no saying that the OP’s DH hasn’t done the same to understand where he stands. If a partner has emotionally checked out, they can move to practicalities very quickly and are miles ahead of the shocked party If the shit hits the fan.

Emotions are all well and good. They don’t provide money in retirement. Nor to they salve the sting when it comes time to write cheques. This man has taken for 27 years, and will continue to do so.

I think you might be asking the wrong question and selling yourself short. This is not about your rights because you paid for something. You stumbled across something because you paid for something - it’s not about the money. Yes it’s normal if you are paying for a bill to work out why it’s increased so much. But the real question do you have a right to ask your partner why he is suddenly calling a woman he has an emotional connection to so much. Yes of course you do. Lots of people post about concerns about their partners having emotional affairs. Advice is to ask them. You have just asked your’s. The fact he is defensive about it speaks volumes I am sorry.

He is taking you for granted here!Quite honestly you have been paying his way for far too long. If hes approaching 65 then hes trying to recapture his youth at your expense! Tell him in no uncertain terms you are not moving abroad. HE is really taking the piss here!