Found out DH talks to ex GF after 27 years being married to him

[EchosMum2007]

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit.
It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes
I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out)
This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story.
So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to!
The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time.
They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name.
God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!!
For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!)
To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool.
I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!!
Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

@sassbott “for now”. Like the half day it takes to talk about the currency of these phone calls and for the OP to decide what SHE wants, overall.

We don’t know what role he has played in parenting and the household. We don’t know if he has made some financial contribution or none. We don’t know if the OP loves him.,,

Oh yes, the financial aspects are crucial to the reality of the OP’s future if they split, crucial to the way they have lived their life until now, crucial to their future (s) but is the cost of the phone call the most important thing right now?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He's a freeloading self indulgent wanker. And probably a talentless prick.

Get legal advice. Ffs don't move countries to facilitate his bunk up.

Agree with this.

isnt he arty?
can't he sell his art?
age should not stop that

and yes, you have every right to question his phone bill let alone excessive calls

would you be happy with him in a different country?

I am not sure it is right to snoop on who he is calling. I pay the broadband bill in our house, it doesn't give me the right to know my husband's internet use.

I would not be moving abroad with this man though. You are getting very little out of the relationship, I would be thinking of getting out.

I see the cool police are out in force— would love to know how the cool brigade would personally feel if your long term H/partner was busy calling his attractive arty fatty ex when you have been supporting them fully for 20 odd years. And yes I would think the same if it was the other way round— and yes I would feel resentful — not so much the money aspect but certainly the frequent contact with exes and wanting to move closer(presumably on your dollar) — if it’s spain by the way and you are British — their are quite stringent conditions now post Brexit which include earning passive income of at least £28k a year and not working for at least a year. It’s easy to say controlling when it’s not you— I would feel exactly like you OP

Oh and unless you still love him madly I would end it— but it’s going to cost you I’m afraid as the high earner unless he’s also a nice guy — I wonder if this is what he has in mind anyway—

Oh and yeah, he can pay his own phone bill from how on.

@Tamworth123

I'd get rid of him because hes a leech, let alone the emotio al infidelity (and as ppl said interesting he wants to move to her country).

Maybe she and her well off (?) family can take over the baton on carrying this no doubt charming parasite. You sound like you've been sucked dry. You should never have put up with it.

No, the OP can't just "get rid of him" - they've been married nearly 30 years ffs!

Getting rid of him equates to a significant payoff from the OPs hard earned capital that she's spent all those years slaving over while he's had his head up his backside being arty..

@daisychain01. Yep— I wonder if this lazy arse has had this in mind 100% in recent times— payoff and F off to Spain— although as I said above unless he’s got reasonable ongoing income he won’t be able to get legal residency

No, the OP can't just "get rid of him" - they've been married nearly 30 years ffs!

Getting rid of him equates to a significant payoff from the OPs hard earned capital that she's spent all those years slaving over while he's had his head up his backside being arty..

As I pointed out innanother post (and as I've implied in this post) this decision could be taken out of ops hands if he escalates his relationship with the old flame and of she is likewise foolish enough to rake him on. That's why I said op should see a shit hot solicitor and maybe accountant and see how to damage limit for herself.

As other posters have pointed out, many men in similar circumstances are prepping well ahead and minimising their "loss" with stone cold, shrewdness

Moving assets eg to kids, now before divorce is on the table and it will be considered intentional/avoidant might be an idea.

Speaking to a solicitor to find out what he will get Inc whether spousal support would be v useful in planning too.

*whether he'll get spousal support

This all seems a bit Gilmore Girls.

Anyway, the issue isn't who pays for the calls (you are resenting having taken on the financial role but that seems to be a decision you made and you need to take responsibility for 'supporting' him - that doesn't mean that you need to continue to do so). The issue is that you feel he kept his contact with his ex secret.

Decide if you want to keep financially supporting him. Decide if you want to move to another country. Decide if it's a deal-breaker for you that he had a secret friendship with his ex. They're all decisions in your control.

Is the issue his 'relationship' with his ex or is the issue your resentment over supporting him all these years? Which is the bigger issue? Because I kind of feel that that are two different things.

Blimey this man was onto a winner with you wasn't he. I'd fully be getting some legal advice.

Thank you, lovely ladies, for all the amazing wonderful profound advice, I am still reading through all the comments, so many intelligent compassionate, helpful eye-opening responses! I guess when I posted this stream of thought night (after nearly a bottle of white wine on my own sat in my kitchen!) I was in one of those "moments" and needed to get this out of myself. It's incredible how certain things become clearer when you read them in black and white, certain things that perhaps I was already aware of but was turning a blind eye to. Will post of few thoughts /responses later tonight..

I believe that lots of people are evaluating their lives due to covid & are making changes.

Secondly, he doesn't work, so he has all the time in the world to flirt with anyone & everyone (be charming & charismatic)

Thirdly, he will soon be at state retirement age, while you will probably still be working

I agree that you need to take time to decide what you want for your future. The future does not have to include your DH. Perhaps you should buy him a one way ticket to his ex !

My dh has been the major breadwinner for our 25 year marriage.

It would NOT be controlling of him to ask why i keep phoning my ex boyfriend!!!

@Tamworth123

Speaking to a solicitor to find out what he will get Inc whether spousal support would be v useful in planning too.

All your points are very well made re: the preemptive protections that @EchosMum2007, can put in place - sorry, it's such a detailed thread, I hadn't seen your previous post

Your driven career choices do not mean he is a freeloader

@Thirtytimesround Well yeah, it does really. What would be your definition of a freeloader, if it isn't someone who freeloads?

You can't deny him calling who he likes

@BobbieT1999 I think it's that he's kept quiet about it that makes it worse. It seems shifty. Plus that he's been angling to try to move to this woman's country, which seems like it might be at least partly in order to be nearer to her.

There seems to Ben two issues in your post, one financial and two ex.

The financial side is that you have willingly supported him, in his creative pursuits, both financially and emotionally.For whatever reason, it has never turned to anything big, despite a promising future. Whether he has been stringing you alone (and been an artistic cocklodger), or genuinely believed in his career, we’ll never know.

The second aspect is the reconnection with his ex. We’ve all Google searched ex’s and even sent ‘how are you’ messages. That can be totally innocent and platonic.

However, the ramping up of phonebills, and him wanting to move to the same country are red flags. Do you know when they’ve been talking? How long for? Any dodgy texts? Emotional affair?