Found out DH talks to ex GF after 27 years being married to him

[EchosMum2007]

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit.
It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes
I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out)
This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story.
So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to!
The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time.
They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name.
God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!!
For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!)
To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool.
I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!!
Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

I agree with a PP who thought there were two different issues, the financial aspects of the marriage and the communication with the ex-gf.

I wonder why he was so defensive about talking to her? You obviously weren’t controlling in terms of asking him about the bills and he’s obviously responded quite suspiciously. I mean, say she’s ill and he’s supporting her with that, then surely he could tell you and you wouldn’t feel too bad about this? So his reaction is off and I’m not surprised it’s sent you into a spin.

Your spin has pulled up all of the resentment you might have been carrying for years, and maybe now the kids have left home it’s exacerbated. As you say, you thought you were partners and he’s potentially let you down. Ideally, you can talk this through and sort it out, unless you already feel it’s too late for that. If he can’t do that, then you do have some heartfelt thinking to do about your future. Good luck 🤞

@EchosMum2007

This is a stream of thought, so my apologies for random weird bits n bobs… I just need to feel connected to some female wisdom tonight as things are somewhat shit. It is really a slog rant, so forgive me, my dear Mumsnet’erettes I’ve been married to DH for 27 years, we met in the mid 90s (oh, the best best best long gone era!) not a perfect marriage but we’ve soldiered through (I guess “soldiered-through” is the keyword) I am more of a “soldier” and basically provided for the past 27 years financially, whilst my DH played at being a “creative” type. For the most part I’ve always had faith in him and his endeavours and his creative talents. This was not just my biased illusion, many people in the industry consistently said that his work is extremely talented and he’s “going places”. However he’s never ever once delivered financially, it’s always been me taking care of all the bills, whilst working in a high pressured long hours job environment since we met. Now I almost feel like he “groomed” me for those high end jobs that paid a lot of money and provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. I felt depressed and miserable throughout my “career” although to be fair I enjoyed the work colleagues’ comradery aspect. I was the girl that worked in central London in a high pressured job which provided a safe comfortable lifestyle for my family (by the way, children have recently moved out) This is something I must explain, because for two decades I believed in my DH talent I felt very comfortable to be his “benefactor/sponsor/supporter/helper/backer/PARTNER”. There is a 16 years gap between us, him being older than me, not ever an issue at all btw, but I think now that I am 48 and he’s 65 it makes a difference to the story. So…. I’m the one who’s paying DH’s phone bill, I’ve got this app for his phone provider that enables me to pay his phone bill. To explain any “you are invading his privacy” criticism, he’s just not good with technology and it would take him ages to figure out how to pay certain bills ( I know, I over indulged him!), so I have to take care of all bills, not that I want to! The other month I noticed his usual standard monthly mobile bill doubled, and I also immediately noticed through the app that he’s been calling this particular phone number in Europe (we are in Uk) on a regular basis. I figured out immediately who he was calling because of the location of the calls. Back in the 80s he used to have a long term GF in southern Europe where he lived at the time. They are both in their 60s now but extremely young for their age, if you met my DH you’d probably think he’s in his mid 50s at the most. I feel that him talking to her all of a sadden might be to do with her reaching out to him about 12 months ago via Facebook, which again I accidentally found out about but never mentioned to him (he doesn’t hide his FB from me and quite often asks me to do his PR from his account as he can’t cope.) From my recollections at our early relationship stages I recall him mentioning that woman and him saying that she was totally “crazy” which was the “reason” for the break up. Having never met her, but seen a few social media “bits”, I really don’t think she’s crazy at all, just an extremely intelligent, creative and (somewhat) privileged person as far as her country’s “glitterati – arty – farty” scene goes. Think, major movie industry family name. God, this is too long already, and I haven’t’ even stated my point!! For some time we’ve been talking about moving to Europe, with my DH strongly rooting for the country of his former GF, and me rooting for the country next to it (FRANCE!!!) To be honest I don’t even know where I’m going with this…. I just feel shit and a fool. I approached my DH point blank today about him calling his ex GF and he admitted that he did, but immediately added that I am “controlling” him, to which I replied that I SIMPLY SAW THE PHONE BILL FIGURES AND NUMBERS and wondered what was going on, since I was the one paying for the extra phone bill charges of his phone conversations with his EX!! Am I being unreasonable to question him about those calls?

Considering we are in a supposed “partnership/marriage” thing, does he have the right for privacy as far as his phone calls abroad go THAT I AM PAYING FOR?!?
I am just starting to feel for the first time in 27 years that he’s plotting things behind my back.

Do you always remind him that you are the one paying for things?

If I were in his shoes, I’d resent my husband if he always reminded me he was the one paying the bills.

Meant to say, with the financial side, as he is reaching retirement age, and the kids have left home, you are probably reflecting in everything, and the ex has heightened this.

@dottydodah

He is taking you for granted here!Quite honestly you have been paying his way for far too long. If hes approaching 65 then hes trying to recapture his youth at your expense! Tell him in no uncertain terms you are not moving abroad. HE is really taking the piss here!

If he was a woman and the OP a man, would you say the same thing?

@madisonbridges

If the sexes were reversed and your husband had worked in a high powered job and brought in all the money while supporting you follow your dream, would you think that gave him the right to dictate who you were allowed to speak to because they were paying the phonebills? I'm pretty sure most posters on here would say that's controlling.

You don't seem to have any respect for him, you're clearly in a poor relationship (soldiering on), and you have a lot of resentment. Now you don't trust him to speak to an ex of at 27 years. What exactly is there in this relationship that's keeping you hanging around?

This^

You were happy to support his artistic endeavours, industry experts told you BOTH he’d get a big break that never materialised, so can’t exactly blame him for his career being a failure, lots of people fail at careers. It’s not always the rags to riches myth for artists.

I think you need to decide do YOU want him any more? Then go from there to either saying hum striking up a friendship with an Ex is a boundary you cannot let him cross or just letting him go and moving on with your life solo.

You were happy to support his artistic endeavours

Most of us at some point in our lives think 'hmm, I shouldn't really have done that.' There's nothing wrong with looking at a decision and realizing it was maybe a mistake.

For example, I was with a wrong'un and reconsidered being with him. 'You let him use you for 2 years so suck it up, what he did was clearly fine' would've been nonsense.

Leaving aside the fact his big pay day never came— if you are married it is not remotely controlling to want to know why your H is constantly calling an ex girlfriend and hiding the fact— and especially that he now seems very keen on moving to that country and as I said before, probably you paying to do so— call me a cynic but I would bet money that mysteriously a few months in if you did move that it suddenly ‘isnt working’ and he knows you will want to go back and he will seek maintenance from you to the amount needed to stay in Spain (I’m presuming it’s Spain — I may be wrong) which at the moment is about£20k if you are single. If it’s all innocent then the fact it bothers you a lot should totally curtail it from his end , so keep an eye , although he may well go to WhatsApp to keep it off the bills.

If the sexes were reversed and your husband had worked in a high powered job and brought in all the money while supporting you follow your dream, would you think that gave him the right to dictate who you were allowed to speak to because they were paying the phonebills? I'm pretty sure most posters on here would say that's controlling

I would have agreed with this statement if he's had a chat with her one evening for an hour or two and left it at that. But his phone bill has doubled as a result of numerous calls (unless he was on the phone for days). This luxury also comes out of family money. Regardless of who earns it, would you be happy to find your husband spending family money on, what is likely, hours and hours and numerous calls to an ex gf?

If the sexes were reversed and your husband had worked in a high powered job and brought in all the money while supporting you follow your dream, would you think that gave him the right to dictate who you were allowed to speak to because they were paying the phonebills? I'm pretty sure most posters on here would say that's controlling

Really?

I'd think she was shaping up to make a cuckold of him.

I'd think it was probably an emotional affair.

I'd think the level of contact, and the suggestion of moving to the ex flame country was very suspicious.

The behaviour is disrespectful, inappropriate, and doesn't bode well; regardless of who earns what.

The fact that they appear to be having an EA while the other pays for their communication is just extra galling.

(Oh and it sounds like op found put about the communication because she had to manage everything household related; because he'd such a baby/does fk all).