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Once and for all, help me tell MIL that my toddler's name is not to be changed.

97 replies

BroccoliSpears · 29/12/2007 19:56

DPs family hate hate hate hate hate our DD's name. They had big tantrums when she was born and insisted we change it. Of course, we didn't. Then they made a special trip when she was 2 weeks old to see DP, and try to reason with DP, and convince him to talk to me about changing it . Of course, he didn't and we didn't. I assumed they'd just shut up when they realised that it was her name and we weren't changing it. They haven't. She's now 19 months old and we still get comments about her name.

Examples:

"It's okay, she'll change it as soon as she's old enough." [smug, knowing smile]

"She's very [insert personality trait] isn't she? Definitely not a [Name] - it doesn't suit her at all."

"You know, you can still use her middle name? It's not too late."

So, more niggly than downright offensive, but still rather unkind of them.

So, last time we saw them, MIL was trotting out something along the lines of the above and I said quite pleasantly but firmly that I thought that was quite enough speculation about her name as she would very very soon be able to understand what MIL was saying and it was not a very nice thing for a little girl to learn that half her family dislikes her name. I agreed that perhaps she would change it one day, but if she did it would be her decision and no one elses.

MIL is not the easiest of people. She is stubborn and outspoken. She is French, so sometimes we have misunderstanding due to language barriers and cultural clashes. My 'pleasant but firm' speech was not enough and she's still not dropped the subject.

What do I say next? How do I say it?

I am not confrontational, and am rather intimidated by MIL. She can be sneaky and sly. When we do argue she runs rings around me.

I won't let my little girl be bullied by her as she has bullied me over the years.

(Suggestions containing four letter words and shouting will be tempting but ultimately unusable )

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 29/12/2007 19:59

Good lord! Your MIL is extraordinarily tenacious, isn't she? Couldn't you ask your DH to tell her that none of you want to hear any more about it?

DoesntTheFestiveSeasonDragOn · 29/12/2007 19:59

Call your MIL by a different name and keep saying how her real name is sh*te and you hate it and that it doesn't suit her.

lizandlulu · 29/12/2007 20:00

i have no advice or anything to say of use to you, but i love love love your name!!
made me laugh out loud

CarmenerryChristmas · 29/12/2007 20:00

Take her aside and very firmly and definitely tell her that she is offending you by her constant criticising of your dd's name. Tell her that you know that she may not understand how offensive it is, blame cultural differences, but that you are beginning to feel like you don't want to see her as she is being so rude.

Smile all the time you are talking of course.

franke · 29/12/2007 20:00

Hate to say it, but maybe she needs to hear it in no uncertain terms from her darling son, rather than you. Sounds ghastly - v. for you.

DoesntTheFestiveSeasonDragOn · 29/12/2007 20:00

Unless your DD is called Poncytina in which case I'm siding with your inlaws.

Twiglett · 29/12/2007 20:01

I'd tell her to fuck off .. I really would .. I would then apologise but sometimes they need to know they've pushed you too far

please tell me the name btw .. I do like to judge

brusselbeansprouts · 29/12/2007 20:01

OMG, she sounds vile. Poor you.

franke · 29/12/2007 20:02

Actually I prefer Soupy's idea

catinthehat · 29/12/2007 20:03

It's Poncytina isn't it

lizandlulu · 29/12/2007 20:04

if broccoli isnt confrontational, and hates arguing with mother in law maybe the fuck off would just make her feel worse.
i cant argue as i get my words mixed up and tounge-tied, and as much as my in law annoys me i wouldnt imagine ever telling her to fuck off!
i just dont think you can ever have a posotive relationship after that

JudgeNutmeg · 29/12/2007 20:04

Try the broken record technique...

'Please do stop going on. You have absolutely no say in the matter.'

'Please do stop going on. You have absolutely no say in the matter'

'Please do stop going on. You have absolutely no say in the matter'

If you and dh respond to every single different argument with this sentence, she will look a complete muppet if she does persist in going on.

JudgeNutmeg · 29/12/2007 20:05

If that fails, shut her head in a kitchen cupboard repeatedly.

Bluestocking · 29/12/2007 20:06

Or put your fingers in your ears and go "la, la, la, I can't heeeear you!"

glitterkitty · 29/12/2007 20:07

I know a little girl called Bambi. And one called Lolabelle. But I'd never comment on them not being to my taste.

Your MIL is just being rude.Maybe she cant bear not to have got her own way. Like carmens idea. Be firm!

Your dds not called Bambi is she?!

RubySlippedonastraymincepie · 29/12/2007 20:07

she is still harping on about it at after 19 months

Your DH needs to tell her to drop it, and sharpish

hatrick · 29/12/2007 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BroccoliSpears · 29/12/2007 20:09

It is Poncytina, yes, but we used a slightly more unusual spelling so that she'd stand out in school.

As an aside - they're all having kittens about what we're going to call the next one, due in the spring. DP has told them it's 'Digger' if it's a boy

Thank you Liz&Lulu - see? I'm good at names? Stupid MIL.

I like the broken record suggestion. Also Carmen is right, perhaps I need to be very very clear.

Will also ask DP to perhaps say something. It's his step mother rather than his real mother and he tends to ignore all her nonsese.

OP posts:
BibiThree · 29/12/2007 20:09

Really it is just plain rude of her. Tell her so. A simple, "you're being quite rude now" should do the trick. If she questions you further tell her how she is making you feel - she can't argue that your feelings are wrong...can she

Good luck, I can totally sympathise, MIL hates the names we chose for our potential boys - they were all girls though

JudgeNutmeg · 29/12/2007 20:11

You could always tell them that you have reconsidered and that Eglantine is a little used Royal British name that you quite like......

(I actually like the name Eglantine but alas, had sons not daughters.)

BibiThree · 29/12/2007 20:12

Will you tell us the name...?

LoveMyGirls · 29/12/2007 20:14

I wanted to call my dd Angel but everyone said it was rubbish and i agree now it would look "chavy" but dd says she is gutted i didnt call her Angel as she thinks its a lovely name.

ValnBen · 29/12/2007 20:16

hmm DP?s step mother ? does she have any children of her own?
If so, she has had her chance at giving children names and stuck by them ? now it?s her turn to stand back and give someone else a go.
If, on the on the other hand, she has no children of her own so therefore not had the pleasure of naming a child, then what right does she have to condemn anyone else?s decision?

kindersurprise · 29/12/2007 20:18

You really need DP to have a word, I think.

My MIL was not happy with DD's name. She said that she would never be able to pronounce it and would just call her the German version of the name. My BIL was great and told his Mum that since I had given up my fab Scottish name to take on their boring German one, the least she could do is learn to pronounce our DD's name.

So our DD has an unusual name (well, not really but very unusual here) and she told me recently that she likes having an unusual name. She said that there are 2 Tims and 2 Tills in her kindergarten group. She also said that her best friend Sophie would love to have a name that noone else has.

ProjectIcarus · 29/12/2007 20:20

Was there not a Borrower called something like Eglantine?

I am sure it will stop when you name the next one..... . Seriously though your DH needs to tell her to put a lid on it.

Or possibly an endless stream of "Silly Granny doesn't like your name."

"Silly Granny, must be getting senile because she is still going on about your name"

teach dd to call her Silly Granny as her name as opposed to Granny.

Or if all else fails suggest she drops it before her access to dd drops like a stone.